grieving

I sat in the parking lot today crying and wondering why this disconnect between the joy I so strongly seek and the current grief. I had dropped off my kids at a gymnastics sleepover and was watching some of these preadolescent girls living in the moment, smiling, hugging, excited, unencumbered. I remember those moments, and how freeing it was to let loose and laugh and be crazy-silly. It has been a while. It made me sadder to know I want to be there but I am presently stepping backwards away from joy.

So I questioned why do we adults repeat the patterns we try to break out of like we are broken records? Why do I? Why do I let fear undermine my ability to enjoy the moment? Why can't we who love one another be patient enough and committed enough to simply slowly patiently work through it, whatever "it" is? Why do we bolt in a fight or flight panic? Patience has never been my strong suit. Why do I try so hard to understand people and end up grasping at air?

I am in limbo right now - so many things going well for me (new job, new house, great friends, great kids), and yet a lot of uncertainty, confusion, fear. A relationship with the love of my life - one that had everything going for it or so I thought - seems to have fallen through the cracks of my own fears and insecurity and I don't know how to let go or if I should. It all makes no sense. I don't know how to walk this in-between land of unknowing and uncertainty. I have such a incessant need to know. I told my ex that I think I am relationship-retarded! We laughed. I can have just about everything else pretty together, but when it comes to interacting with people, I can be quite clueless. I find that I put so much faith into things, I want to believe and I let myself and yet I can be an utter cynic and my skepticism and doubt undermines the faith. At least it seems to be in this situation I find myself stepping through.

I have been on an inward journey (read: beating my head against a wall trying to figure out life) and I have had many new insights. I saw that Chicken Little lives inside my brain. I mentally do gymnastics thinking the sky is falling, and react accordingly, which can definitely screw up a lot of good things. As much as I despise game-playing and want utter honesty and forthrightness, I myself can say things to get a reaction, or inadvertantly try to get attention or outcome I want by pushing the opposite of what I truly desire. These things are not pretty and I am not proud. To be aware is so much easier than to change. But where is the line between standing up for what one truly needs and letting go and letting God? To love the other in a way that brings them joy and acceptance is so much fiercer and scarier and harder than trying to squeeze drops of affection from another.

I got turned on to Debbie Ford by a friend, and was inspired to know that Alanis Morissette, my all-time favorite singer-songwriter, is also into her. I started doing The Best Year of Your Life exercises. The first exercise I randomly chose is Forgive Yourself. Apt, since I am currently beating myself up over mistakes and wondering where this beautiful thing I held in my hands went awry.

Why do I dig 5-foot deep wells and wonder why I never reach water?

So as I sat in the parking lot I thought about what I could do for a change and to make life the best it could be. I decided one easy step that I would enjoy would be
to start a web journal to share these post-divorce figuring-out-life crazy thoughts and strivings and dreams and aspirations - its been over a year since my divorce but the healing and growth will certainly continue for some time. I am trying to learn guitar (3rd time's a charm) and I may try some martial arts classes. I'll keep you posted.

Gratitude:

I am so grateful for my friends - Paige is a beacon of light who is so peaceful and hopeful and sees beauty in me and brought tears to my eyes with her wisdom; Daline my best friend who I relate to on so many level, I sometimes think we live parallel lives and who has time and again lent her ear and incredible insight to my dilemmas; Jennifer the strongest and most courageous woman I know and whose web journal inspired me to do mine - http://www.joelmagnussen.com (her husband Joel died of cancer).

PS The photo above is Daline and I recreating a photo from our college days... this was in Breckenridge, CO on my first ski trip a few weeks ago.