Monday, September 01, 2008

connecting the dots

Cosmos in the flower garden at the Green Gulch Zen Center
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

Today was another good day. Savannah and I had a "mommee-daughter day" and went to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 - which is partly filmed in Greece which makes me wnat to go there so bad (Mamma Mia of course was also filmed there!). The movie was great. I especially related to the storyline of Tibby who had a boyfriend who adored her, and then after he told her he loved her and became intimate she ended up pushing him away. There was a line where after some time apart, they are talking to one another, and he says, "Not everyone who you love is going to leave you." I started crying. It's such a powerful fear to feel that those you care about are going to leave. It's so much easier to avoid the situation before it can get too close! :) OK OK I know this is not healthy...

This book by Pia Mellody that I'm reading says we can deal with powerful adult emotions and we can deal with uncovering powerful childhood emotions in therapy under controlled conditions but when you deal with the double-whammy of an adult loss that triggers serious childhood abandonment and trauma and the related emotions, it's almost too much to handle. I know that there have been times in my life where I have cried and cried when it really seemed disproportionate to the situation. I remember once I had a huge fight with my mom during the "Christmas from hell" and it seemed like I was crying like someone had died, I mean I was in a state of total devastation. It was a situation where I stopped talking to my mom for a while, maybe a year or so - but it triggered the whole abandonment of the past. It has taken me many years to connect the dots, though I have been filling them in slowly, and to realize the connection between these things. And now I see the whole picture (well I see a picture! There may well be more). But I can not explain the relief that I feel! It's incredibly empowering.

Yet, as I said in my very first blog entry, grieving, "So I questioned why do we adults repeat the patterns we try to break out of like we are broken records? Why do I? Why do I let fear undermine my ability to enjoy the moment? Why can't we who love one another be patient enough and committed enough to simply slowly patiently work through it, whatever "it" is? Why do we bolt in a fight or flight panic? ... To be aware is so much easier than to change. But where is the line between standing up for what one truly needs and letting go and letting God? To love the other in a way that brings them joy and acceptance is so much fiercer and scarier and harder than trying to squeeze drops of affection from another."

Anyway enough heavy stuff. Now for some comic relief.... I will tell a story I found in an old journal. I was co-teaching 4-year old Sunday school with my friend Michelle. Savannah was 4 and Sam, who was 2 and a half at the time was in the class with us that day. Michelle announced to the kids that we were going to cut out ears (the kids were making some sort of paper person). Sam grabbed his ears and said, "I don't need ears. I already have ears!" Then he proceeded to take the scissors and try to cut out another kids' actual ears!

Earlier today I was getting together Sam's things for going to Matt's and I was just thinking, I love being a mom. I really absolutely love my kids so much. They may not realize that, but I love even the boring stuff like making their lunches, doing the laundry (ok they fold it and put it away but I run it), but also reading to them at night and tucking them in and praying with them, organizing their doctor appointments and such, hearing about their day, running them around to get things they need, getting to know their friends, and just being an influence in their lives. I am definitely NOT a helicopter mom, and they pretty much do their own thing in terms of homework and such, but I am always aware of what they are doing in the big picture. I love their hugs. I love when Savannah cuddles up to me in the movie. And I am really, really going to miss them when they leave the nest.

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