Two songs from my heart

God's motive toward us—not only in every moment of our lives but also in death—is love. Love is His very nature, His character, His temperament, His reason for all action. It is out of His love that He creates us and plans our lives. It is by His love that He fulfills each person's purpose and reason for being.
- Zig Ziglar, Confessions of a Grieving Christian

These two songs reflect what is on my heart right now. The first one is an old song by Watermark, one of my all-time favorite bands (Christy Nockels, lead singer). This song, Glory Baby, I heard while running the other day and I almost buckled under the weight of it. I had to turn to a different song. But now I can listen, in the comfort of my home, and cry and let it out and say goodbye. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost babies and those who have lost love before it seemed time. It helps me to personify love as a baby, and to grieve and let go. Just like the lyrics in the song, I can see the baby being held in heaven, taken care of, loved, cherished, until perfection rights all things that should have been but weren't allowed to be on this earth. Goodbye love.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

This next song is recent. It took a while for it to grow on me, but now I absolutely adore it. I think it's actually my favorite song right now. My kids and I saw the artist, LeCrae, along with Jamie Grace at the KSBJ Booming by the Bay concert series in Kemah a couple years ago. I blogged about it! This song really makes me realize how much literally every single good thing in my life is of God and is a gift from God. It's so easy to succumb to this selfish notion that we "deserve" happiness, or love or this that and the other thing. We don't. I see God as, well, undefinable, but in part He is the good in the world. He IS love. He IS the hug from my sweet daughter when she hasn't wanted to hug me for a year. He IS the tastiness of delicious food. He is life itself. He is the smile from a stranger. He is the hope that I carry even when times got the darkest. And so all of these blessings, all of the friends that are here today, or have been in my life, were a gift from God. And yet some experiences and even perhaps some people were not gifts from God, per se, but maybe were tests or lessons. In the end, even those are good things if we can learn from them. As the lyrics go, "I know the Spirit's purging me of everything that's hurting me." 

I had this insight into love on that same run, and that was that when you are loved by someone, it gives you hope and increases your faith. When you are not being truly loved, it tests and challenges your faith and even may cause a faith crisis in your life, a loss of hope, a loss of dreams. If there is a relationship that you are in that is leading you into a dark hole of despair, that is not the right place for you. Love makes you better. Love makes you have more hope. Love - the love that is from God - brings life because it IS life.  But I'll be damned if knowing that when you're in the middle of it isn't the hardest thing ever. Because there's the emotion we call love that is really just, well, emotion. And then there is agape love - the act and behavior of giving selflessly and committing to someone else's good.

With every breath I take, with every heart beat,
Sunrise and the moon lights in the dark street.
Every glance, every dance, every note of a song.
It's all a gift undeserved that I shouldn't have known.

...

If Jesus wasn't executed there's no celebration.
So in times that are good, in times that are bad
For any times that I've had it all I will be glad.
And I will boast in the cross. I'll boast in my pains.

...

Patiently you turned my heart away from selfishness.
I volunteer for your sanctifying surgery.
I know the Spirit's purging me of everything that's hurting me.

food foibles and wishbones

Bubbles in the backyard! Savannah with a couple of girls she was babysitting. I love this photo. I love the joy on Savannah's face.
Copyright (c) 2006 Wendee Holtcamp

We really did plan on paying for that food. Elise and I went on a bike ride across the bridge yesterday. We were originally going to go to Starbucks which is 4 miles from my house but Elise was using my son's bike and in her words, dude, it was hurting her a$$, and so we got over the bridge across the San Jacinto River and I said, do you want to stop here and get lunch? She said, sure, dude, let's do it. I said, I don't have my money with me, and she said, I can pay for it and you can pay me back.

We were gonna go to Raffa's, my favorite, but its no longer open for lunch - huge bummer! So we went to Como se Dice. Then we ate and talked and then the check came. And then Elise realized all she had in her wallet were 7 Starbucks cards. To give her a little credit, she did just get back from Thailand, but dude, do they even have Starbuck's there? Hmm, what to do.

We decided to sit on the back patio and get a strawberry margarita. Hoping we could figure out a way to pay for it. We didn't dare tell the waiter why we hadn't put our credit card in the bill yet, since he then might not bring us a margarita! So Elise called her room mate, and fortunately for us he was home and came and bailed us out! Meanwhile that rita was strooong. And we split it. But anyhoo, we rode home and then I attempted to get some work done before I have girls night out.

I am totally digging this song by Watermark on the Purest Place CD, Hidden in You. It makes me feel victorious!

And You alone are deserving of my life
So this is who I am
A lover of a man who was scorned for sinners...
And You, You win the war over me
So my worship will be a life that is hidden in You
Your life is setting me free

A friend asked this question on her blog One Breath at a Time: If your 18-year old self could see your life now, what would she be shocked at? Honestly it took me a couple days to think about it. I wrote that well at 18, I thought I would be a MD/PhD medical researcher but I ended up going into wildlife ecology which suits me far better. However, I never had any clue that I'd be a writer. It never even crossed my radar screen (Although technically when I was 8 I used to say I wanted to be an Author, Acrobat, or Artist). But what would shock me, I think, was all the whining I do about stupid crap in my life that really does not matter. I would say to myself, Get Over it Already!!! And I would be shocked at how much I second-guess myself. In the words of Richard from Texas in Eat, Pray, Love, "You need to get a backbone where your wishbone is." So there it is.

But to be honest my 18-year old self was still a blissfully ignorant wild child. But sometimes, you know, it would be nice to just not give a rat's a$$ what other people think! I care too much sometimes, and not enough other times! And the other day, lo and behold, I came across this on the Prolifically Raw blog of Jennifer Lauck, author of the memoirs Blackbird and Still Waters both of which I love love love and it inspired me for my own memoir writing (I read them years ago) - she calls herself a wounded healer. And my memoir is coming along. Holy cow, I'm writing my memoir!!! I can't believe it is actually happening. OK stream of consciousness there. I've got over 20,000 words (out of about 80,000) written. Holy moly mackeroli. It's happening. And yes, I have a publisher and it's coming out in 2010!!! OK back to the subject... here is what she said:

There is this concern we have with what others think of us. It's habituated, probably from the time of our ancestors, when we were dependent on one another for survival. Fitting in was primal. We are still radically interdependent (even if we don't know it) but this concern is misplaced. We cut off our life force with this habituated worry and by investing our time in it, we keep life from shining through us. That is a great loss, an unnecessary waste. I simply don't do this anymore. I am myself, period. What others think does not concern me.

Georgia, me and Amy last night at Fiesta Azteca where we went for margaritas. Melody went too but she left before I remembered to get out my camera for the handy dandy old self-portraits!

The product of Amy & my pedicures the other day. I love love love this deep blue color. I've had it on for the past couple months other than a brief interlude of red. It reminds me of the color of the sky on the inside of this Led Zeppelin album that I used to love. Amy's toes are the neon orange ones!