hope and SEJ conference reflections

I wrote this when I got home from the Society of Enviromental Journalists national conference in Austin and the issues of the day that environmental journalists, editors, writers, broadcasters face. I will update my blog more later - the conference was great and I now have to play catch-up! I got my new Canon Rebel Digital and have been playing with it a bit.
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Hope and reflections - by Wendee Holtcamp

As someone who does not have a working TV, in the opening plenary I watched for the first time the scenes of New Orleans. It moved me to tears to see the devastation and the people calling out for help. It angered me to hear the politicians congratulating themselves for doing good jobs and claiming ignorance to the severity of the situation. What a powerful and important job we have.

Time and again in the world’s history, the powerful take advantage of those without an ability to fight back. The environment has no voice of its own. The forests and the air and the water are silent. The wild creatures that depend on healthy ecosystems for their survival do not have any voice except for their ability to affect us enough to speak for them. I do believe that the environment’s only chance for a healthy future -- and that environment ultimately sustains humankind as well --is the voice that we as journalists and storytellers speak.

So many people – people I know – truly believe that everything is fine in the world, that the politicians are doing a good job, and that the environment is as healthy as ever. I try to comprehend why so many people seem so apathetic, because people react viscerally when they see injustice, but for the most part, people are not reacting to many of the world’s imminent environmental and political crises. Citizens are not being forced to not speak out. So why are people not reacting?

I can only believe that people simply do not yet believe it. And they don’t believe it because they do not yet see it clearly. There is too much propaganda from every direction and the public has little ability judge the reliability of information. They don’t know what science to trust, what media to trust and what people to trust so they make up their own minds on who to believe. We have to gain back the trust of the public. We have to show that environmental issues pervade every aspect of our lives, and we have to tell these stories in an accurate, compelling, raw, and honest way.

In Bill Moyers eloquent speech, I believe he was passing the torch to all of us. Instead of passing it to one person, we can each hold a small light with which we can bear witness to the truth through our writing, broadcasting, and storytelling. There is a huge audience out there that we are not reaching, because if they understood the gravity of many of the environmental crises in their own backyards, in their lives, in their air, their water, their food, I have no doubt that more people would not tolerate it. People wake up, eat meals, take showers, drive to work, fill their cars with gasoline, work in their offices, go shopping, and go on with their daily lives with little attention to what truly goes into each of these activities and how their small daily actions affect the planet that they will ultimately leave to their children, and my children.

It breaks my heart to know that I may leave my children a world that is darker, more soiled, and less healthy than that which I was born into. It was my father’s generation who fought to pass the Clean Air and Clean Water Act and Endangered Species Law to leave the world a better place for me when I was a child in the 1970s. I still want to enjoy pristine forests, sustainable cities, healthy food, and clean air and water. I want all the species that exist today to exist in a hundred years. We have a right to protect what our parents fought to leave us, and that is now being stolen from under us. Our weapon of choice is the written word, and the spoken voice, and it is a critically important fight we face. As Joseph Pulitzer said in a quote I keep at my desk, “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it, and above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”

People reason with their minds but ultimately make choices with their hearts. We need to engage both intellect and spirit in order to reach more people with the truth of what is happening in our nation and our world. There is so much darkness yet I refuse to feel hopeless or powerless, because I am not.

When I sit here at my computer writing, I like to burn a candle and to think of this light as symbolic of my ability to bring clarity and vision to those who can not yet clearly see.

As Thomas Merton said in No Man is an Island, “A man of sincerity is less interested in defending the truth than in stating it clearly, for he thinks that if the truth can be clearly seen it can very well take care of itself.

It was a great conference. Until next year, keep the hope alive.

[PS The photos were taken at the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center in Austin which we visited on an SEJ conference tour. The top photo is the "green roof" or ecoroof modules that will be installed on top of a strip center in Austin that includes a Starbucks.]

greasy grimy gopher guts

Heading to Austin tomorrow for the Society of Environmental Journalists conference - should be a truly great event and I'm very much looking forward to it. Here is the draft agenda for those who are interested.

I bought myself a Canon Rebel Digital camera today. I had purchased one online that was a few hundred cheaper than the standard sales price but it never came in the mail so I called and their email to me had not gotten through (EV1.net is bouncing a lot these days), and upon questioning the gentleman I discovered they were selling me a JAPANESE language camera. Nice. Nice that nowhere on the site did it actually say the camera was all in Japanese symbols and the instruction booklet in Japanese. Oh, but he insisted it was in the fine print somewhere. It didn't matter to him that the photo showed an English language camera. Isn't this kind of thing illegal? Umm, ever heard of false advertising?

If I had the time I'd follow up with something but the best I can do is to say don't order from Royal Camera! (www.royalcamera.com). The guy tried to sell me the American version, and had the gall to tell me I was wasting my money to look elsewhere because they had the best price and when I informed him that I would not do business with a company that blatantly falsely advertises he actually yelled at me in his East coast accent "Thanks for wasting your time!" Or his time or somesuch nonsense. Sheesh what is the world coming to. Or did it never crawl out of the muck of rudeness and disrespect and greasy grimy gopher guts in the first place. For crying out loud.

So I went to my local camera store and although the price was higher than I could find it online I wanted the darn thing now (there's that little impatience problem that occasionally manifests). I wanted it to take to Austin. Never mind that I have to figure out how to operate the mysterious machine since its different and more electronically inclined than my trusty print-film Canon Rebel. And I don't have time to read the instructions. But I have time to write this so maybe I need to get back to work and stop rambling. So I won't be blogging for a few days but will be back Sunday night. Carry on!

manna

I added some comments to my Kudos page from past Biology students. Its interesting that I was talking about the Morrie's living funeral concept and then all of a sudden I got a bunch of positive coments from some colleagues from a post I made to a listserv I've long been a member of in response to something I posted. I had previously gathered up comments my friends had made, and I read that when I'm feeling down, but recently decided to go through emails of my editors and just recently students (hence my newish Kudos page). I save these things because as someone said recently positive feedback is like manna. I love positive feedback when its genuine. I don't do my work for it, I work because I love what I do and I try to do my best always - whether writing, teaching, rabble-rousing or some other endeavor. But it makes me feel good to know that others appreciate what I offer the world through the gifts given to me, and that who I try to be as a human being is appreciated by those I touch in my life. On the other hand, it really bothers me to not be liked by people I think should not have a problem. Then again I should know that the problem is usually not me, because I can't work on what I don't understand. I know I worry far too much about this.

Speaking of manna I think the fact that we humans get to eat several times a day is manna. I love food. I love the tastes and variety - the sweet and the savory. I think its such a blessing that we can enjoy this simple pleasure. But I can also see how this can lead to food addiction problems - fortunately I lead a pretty balanced life but if I didn't run several times a week and work out... I dunno! It can be a "false idol" as can my other joy, clothes and fashion and shopping. The key is balance I think. (I am laughing aloud at myself reading this about food... I'm such a goober)

So I got stuck in horrendous traffic trying to flee Hurricane Rita. It was terrifying. Read this Houston Chronicle commentary for a very good explanation of how I felt, especially being annoyed at all the politicians congratulating themselves while millions of people sat in sweltering traffic, running out of gas, terrified we were going to end up in this death trap on the freeway while they congratulated themselves on how good a job they did at evacuating everyone.

It took people 70 hours to get our of town in some cases. Absolute insanity. It took us 10 hours to get 100 miles and we were leaving from the north part of Houston. We never made it to our destination of Dallas but found refuge at the home of my professor who was out of town but his wife graciously took us in - the whole caravan of us ragtag refugees - me, my kids, my exhusband and his coworker!

darn that flapping sarcasm valve

I endlessly entertain myself when I am in a humorous mood, so I thought I'd post something I posted to the SEJ (Society of Environmental Journalists) list here. I just rejoined the organization after a 10-year hiatus. OK I have to give credit to the flapping sarcasm valve comment to a new friend/colleague who I've been emailing about wetlands and such, and I found the comment irresistibly humorous.

Here's my email:
"I've been informed (very politely) offlist of the importance of not appearing biased and such is generally frowned upon... and as punishment God has just upped Hurricane Rita to Cat 5 and she's heading straight for me here in Houston. So thought I'd send a quick email in between packing up my pink lawn flamingos that I will do my best to keep that darn flapping sarcasm valve shut. (I'm heading north in a bit). Hopefully I will return to more than a pile of bricks."

At least a few people found it humorous. One guy said "Others might not like your rant but I think I'm falling in love :-)" hee hee.

Really the whole bias/media thing is interesting because I'm writing a book about the Quest for Truth and how people come to their beliefs via faith, science, and self-knowledge. It will cover science/faith issues, the dangers of letting others decide our beliefs for us (ie do not be a sheep - baa baa), evolution and why intelligent design is not science. It's coming along nicely (about 30% done) and I'm very excited about it. Its going to be a lighter read than all the ID/evolution books out there, something aimed at your average soccer moms & dads.

My original message related to off-road vehicles and TX politics. Here it is in case you're interested. Hope you don't drive a big truck or like ORVs :)

Why do the offroad vehicle people get nearly $4 MILLION in funds to build a bunch of darn ORV trails through the woods, while the Spring Creek Greenway (an incredibly forward-thinking linear riparian park in the last wilderness in Houston) gets one-quarter that for land acquisition at $1 mil? (which to be sure is fantastic! and illegal ORV use is rampant along the properties). But sheesh, you'd think the TPW commission would recognize that land acquisition is so critically important right now since they're chopping down forest as fast as their truffala-whackers can chop and greenspace and parks preservation has been called for by umpteen different organizations, particularly around urban areas, and they're always whining about not having enough $ and going to sell off their parks -- rather than sinking a whopping $4 million in building motorized vehicle trails, for crying out loud. I mean I'm sure it MIGHT help get them off some of the land illegally but most likely it will
just lead to more forest destruction (there's a proposal to build a NEW trail right through the Angelina Nat Forest). I'd really like to know how they set their funding decisions. Stick all the ORV trails in the old abandoned sand mining pits that are all over the darn place out here and never ever get reclaimed! It kills me, the bunch of testosterone-laden overgrown good old boys who drive massive trucks Hummers and ORVs because they didn't get enough satisfaction from their Tonka trucks. (whoops did I say that?) End rant.

NOTE: I like good ol boys as much as I like anyone else, I was just being funny and one is exempt from political correctness when taking stabs at humor.

humility and humor

I once read about the politicians of old who would get up on their platform and spew rants and raves at the other party as they campaigned, and then they'd go drink beer together. This is how I think we should be as humans, as leaders. We should be able to vehemently disagree with one another's position, argue our own, but at the end of the day still be able to be friends and have a beer together. It is pride when one can not take criticism of their work, their personality etc. One can even disagree with the criticism, but one should at least listen to it and be able to evaluate it and not be defensive.

Praotes is also translated as humility. And humility is seeing oneself (and others) as they are - the qualities we have are gifts from God so we "ought not think too highly of ourselves" but nor does this mean to not see and appreciate and use the strengths we have. Humility is not self-effacing but a realistic view that considers everyone as having their place and being worthy. I try - but do not always succeed - to think of in each interaction of the other person as more important than me, or at minimun to treat them as I would like to be treated. I fail miserably many times! Or forget. One thing I don't like much in others is pride. What I see as pride is the opposite of humility, it is in people who get offended easily or who aren't able to see another perspective or their own faults. It's about treating others with respect and expecting it for yourself and walking away when its not happening. I like people who can see their own flaws, because only when someone can see and love us for all our imperfections are we truly loved. And this is how God's love for us is.

On a totally separate note, I played Bratz with my daughter the other night and had her cracking up so much she could not breathe. It was hilarious. Unlike Barbies (which I did not play with as a kid, I was more into Tonka trucks and whacko-whammos), Bratz have FEET that come off not shoes. So I took on this high-pitched urban chick voice and called her doll a wussie because Savannah said she was going to the prom, I was like, "Giiiirrrrl, proms are for wussies!" Then my Bratz doll freaked out about the foot murderer on a rampage (all the extra feet were lying on the carpet). I guess you had to be there but it was truly hilarious. If I might say so myself. Today I invented the character Monchichi Frappucino. I think I need to write a fiction book. I never wanted to write fiction, but maybe it would be a good use of my overactive imagination! Mostly the overactivity results in copious and voluminous writing and I tend to obsess about problems and situations. I recently said my mind is like a dog wrestling with a chew toy and my friend Bill said I should say like a Jack Russell Terrier with a chew toy. Not that I would know what a Jack Russel Terrrier is because frankly I think dogs are stinky and they get their slobbery dog breath all over you.

fears and joys

I am feeling many emotions of late, tears are near to the surface and come often and yet I feel much excitement about some things. I am learning that I lose my motivation on projects easily when I don't get positive feedback. I wonder why that is. I suppose the whole critical mother syndrome led me to try to excel at everything to avoid the criticism and strive for the positive feedback but why do I still seek for approval from outside? To be sure, positive feedback feels great. As someone recently said to me, its manna. Yet shouldn't my feelings of success or joy at my work come from within, knowing I am contributing to the greater good? It is something I strive toward.

I am very excited about the upcoming Society of Environmental Journalists (SEJ) annual conference in Austin in a couple weeks. I am organizing a freelancer get together and a few mag editors will join us, and then we're going out for margaritas on 6th street. Woohoo! I love getting away from it all, meeting people, having fun. Its one thing my ex and I differ greatly on. Crowds take his energy away but interacting with people energizes me.

Then after the conference it looks like I'll be driving to New Orleans with a fellow freelancer. Its something I want to see, the landscape devastation and to see if I can get some article ideas from it - the importance of wetlands etc. I did not get to see anything on TV because I currently don't have one that works... so I saw photos but it will be fascinating to see in person. Hopefully Houston will evade Hurricane Rita... Ciao for now.

praotes - inward grace of the soul

I was doing my Beth Moore bible study (Living Beyond Yourself) this morning, which is on the fruits of the spirit (But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23) and the topic is gentleness. In Greek gentleness is the same as meekness and is the word praotes. She cites a description of this word (Spiros Zodhiates, et al. eds. The Complete Word Study Dictionary: New Testament, Chattanooga, TN 1992) that is so powerful to me.

"It does not denote outward expression of feeling but an inward grace of the soul. Praotes encompasses expressing wrath toward the sin of man as demonstrated by the Lord Jesus....This meekness does not blame God for the persecutions and evildoings of men. It is not the result of weakness... but the activity of the blessedness that exists in one's heart from being angry at evil....That virtue that stands between two extremes, uncontrollable and unjustified anger, and not becoming angry at all no matter what takes place around you."

I found this so powerful because its true to my own life right now. I also have often said I don't like flapping jaws. In my opinion too many people sit around and complain about things going wrong but don't take action to change the things they complain about. We can't do everything but we can do something. And those things in our path that we can do, we should do something about. Hold a candle to the darkness and it can expose some ugly truths, but its better than sitting in darkness.

In all the difficulties I have faced over the past few months as I cry before my beloved God, I often say to Him, Lord if my pain and frustration is going to help someone else see you more clearly, than I will take on this pain. I can handle it with your strength. I know that there are lessons to be learned in every painful circumstance, and I don't mind the difficulties so much as I get frustrated at not knowing what choices to make or what direction to go. And the fear of uncertainty, which I know is related to lack of faith. I often feel like the man who says "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! (Mark 9:24). In the same breath we can express deep faith and deep doubt. Recognizing it is the first step to overcoming it.

By the way I went to the video filming of this bible study weekly last year, and she is absolutely amazing - so full of the Spirit and so wise. I haven't watched the videos (since I saw it live) but I may be in the audience on the video somewhere since it was filmed over several weeks!

joie de vivre

I took the kids to Astroworld/Waterworld this past weekend to use up our "raincheck" from my birthday, and we had a blast. On the wagon wheel I watched this 20-something woman, rail thin and with a black eye, with her little 3-year old son hold her hands high in the air, close her eyes, and just so into the moment, waving her hands around with such joie de vivre. I wondered whether a boyfriend had given her the black eye. I know how it feels to seem so small that you are powerless, and so scared that you know when you are free you must use and enjoy that freedom and live in the moment. Life is so preciously short. Freedom is so integral to happiness. Give me liberty or give me death, in the infamous words of Patrick Henry.

When I was in high school hanging out with hundreds of kids on an empty street, some kid came up to my best friend and I and pointed a gun to us and started yelling at us, "Do you want to die? This gun is loaded!" - my friend laughed and walked away from the gun, and then he put the gun to my head and kept yelling at me. Kim yelled at him to knock it off and put the gun down. I was terrified. I could not move. He pulled the trigger at my temple. Then he started to laugh, and walked away.

Obviously it wasn't loaded. But this event shaped part of who I was and am. The use of power to intimidate people has affected my life. To Kim she probably thought nothing much of it, while other events shaped who she is. But to me, I saw the way people can use power to intimidate people into fear and helplessness - and it's real power - what defense did I have against that gun? And domestic violence is rampant, and hidden from view. Emotional intimidation is everywhere. When I was sixteen I wrote an essay on the abuse of authority by parents, teachers, and police. I was young but I was not naive to the way people try to push you around, lie, and pretend that it's normal.

I know that my time to die can be any moment. I have only these few moments of life to enjoy, and like the woman with the black eye swinging her hands in wild abandon on a little kids ride, I will never let any situation get the better of me. This is MY life. And I will live it, and I will enjoy my days. And I will not compromise truth, integrity, or liberty for anyone or anything.
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I was so proud of the kids, they were scared to go to the Tidal Wave because it looks like a really tall water ride that dives down into this huge pool of water, and I convinced them to and said look by the end you'll be saying "I want to go again!" and sure enough, they wanted to go OVER AND OVER and we got soaked to the core - the ride utterly drenches you. It was so much fun. We held our hands in the air and screamed "woohoooo!!!!" and I just love those little munchkins. They are such good kids. So not perfect, but so full of love and their own joie de vivre and it is my prayer and intention to not let anyone ever rob them of that.

i'm tired

people are starting to ask why i haven't written in my blog in a week so i better say something... lol. i love you guys! i am tired... it has been a long week. i feel somewhat numb. i feel like so much pain and difficulty has been heaped on me and the world i just feel so overwhelmed i can't even feel it anymore. i remember after 9/11 i was transfixed on the television, when i never watch tv at all except for big events. but for katrina it all seems so distant. of course maybe the fact that i had to disconnect my cable and now i don't have any television channels *might* be a factor... i haven't turned on the tv on my own in about 2 years except to occasionally watch dvds...but really it all seems a far-off dream, or nightmare rather.

yet i start to picture myself as one of those people and how i would feel and i start to cry for what they've had to endure. and then i think of the things i am going through in my own life, and have gone through the last month and i sometimes cry but i mostly feel numb and sometimes mad. I feel like why, what in the world have i ever done to deserve these things? and then i know that because i am always praying, and always seeking the truth, the way, the love, the light, my own sin, my own way out... there has to be a higher purpose.

i had a sort of eureka moment a few weeks ago when i realized that the answer (or a possible answer) to why God allows pain on earth to undeserving individuals (such as children, animals, and in cases where someone did not do anything "wrong") is that only through such pain does the world progress in terms of growing more just and more loving. pain and injustice can make us bitter or it can make us stronger and more dedicated to truth, justice, and the way of love. love is not just wishy washy ooey gooey, sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in and what you know is right. and its hard. and it takes risk. and you think maybe you're being foolish. but in the end i have to answer to God alone. and there ain't no excuse that is going to do the trick. i am rambling because i'm tired. i went to the Texas city prairie preserve and here are a couple photos. i'll add more later. hi celeta! i love you and you are awesome, my role model for being real and true and down to earth and seeing the good in me...thank you and i'm so glad i found you again. (or you found me...). hi gail! :) keep eating those earwax jellybeans! ;0) yummy!

of all the days when life seems so crappy i just think of the amazing network of friends i have and i love you all with all of my heart!!!!! i could not get through the days without knowing you all are there. and my beautiful kids... mystery magic and sunshine crazy... i love when my ten year old daughter who is nearly as big as me comes running to give me a hug and nearly topples me over. my life was not so good when i was her age. i see her with her 800-page novel and it cracks me up. I think she knows more then most of the adults around her. I know celeta always said that about me as a child... g'nite guys. hasta luego. (and don't get me wrong i love life and its beautiful and i just need a day outside to bring it all back in focus). thank goodness the next 2 days are field days to katy prairie preserve and to the little thicket the most amazing place!...i will post photos.

the meaning of words

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel Kilcher

Sometime I start to notice messages appearing in different parts of my life as if God is trying to speak to me (no I am not hearing things - ha ha). For example, I read Tuesdays with Morrie's message about giving and receiving love, then wrote in my blog about it, and then Sunday's sermon was about receiving love... Our pastor talked about how we have to be able to receive love FIRST before we can give genuine love to others or ourselves for that matter. We have to be able to know that God loves us unconditionally, and that if we are children of God and accept the gift of his forgiveness, we are accepted as perfect even with our infinite imperfections, and that he wants to bless our lives.

I hear these things and intellectually understand but does my heart truly comprehend? Why do I worry and obsess and get anxiety over things I've said and things I've done when I should know that no matter what mistakes I make God's love for me burns bright and warm and eternal? I can curl up and rest in the warm sunshine of His love, and know that as long as I sincerely seek forgiveness for the errors in my ways, He will answer my prayers and guide me in my life's journey. He won't forsake me, and I will always be taken care of. I can lose my job or my health or my family or my friends or have the world hate me, or have no food or shelter, but God will continue to lead me and love me and provide all that I truly need- and with that love I can give to others. The answer to a prayer request may be NO (and it often is...) but I know that He is leading my life and I am here serving in the best way I can, using the gifts He gave me to teach, inspire, and love others with.

A couple weeks ago I received some somewhat harsh criticism. I heard words that were nothing but meanness, and they didn't hurt much because I knew that despite someone else's belief, those words were "not me". Regardless, in the face of words that sting or that seem to have no reality, I still like to search for the nugget of wisdom. Where are my actions misunderstood? What part of the words might I accept as true, if said in a kinder gentler way?

I remember an English assignment in 6th or 7th grade where we had to write definitions for words that had similar meanings but had different implications when you read them. It was an incredibly valuable lesson for me now as a writer - the exact word I choose can and will affect the way something is read and interpeted. Words are so powerful. So if someone calls me relentless it has a negative connotation. I know that in reality, I am very determined and persistent, yes. Similar words but the meaning is actually quite different. Relentless implies I will stop at nothing with a self-serving interest. I am definitely not that. I follow God's lead, and not my own (well I try, I certainly get off the path!). I am stubborn and impetuous and think I know the best way and I often do... but regardless I will not continue to pursue something into the ground if it is truly not a right path or not going anywhere. And these very traits have enabled me to succeed against many very difficult odds in my life, personally and professionally. Every trait can be both a weakness and a strength.

a time to dance

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven…
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance
– Ecclesiastes 3: 1,4

This scripture was in my daily devotion today, and so true to my life right now. In the past weeks I have wept, mourned, laughed and tonight danced. On the way home from my bible study, I cranked up the Black Eyed Peas new CD and my kids and I were dancing in the car at the stoplight – the woman next to us was looking at us and smiling (I think she actually goes to church with me – ha ha!). All three of us bopping around in the car – I am sure we were quite a site. When we got home Sam wanted to dance some more so like we do sometimes we put the CD in and danced around the kitchen until we were worn out. It was a beautiful end to a day full of anxiety.

And my cup truly runneth over. I checked my email, and got a message from Daline – we are doing this Best Year of Your Life thing together – and one of our exercises is to ask a couple people whose opinion we respect what are two things we admire about the other person. Below I am pasting her email to me (with her permission). When I read it I thought, I can now die happy knowing that someone on this planet truly understands me and gets what I've wanted someone to understand my whole life. As I said, friends are the true soul mates. Amen to that.

Wendee Finlay. Wendee Holtcamp. Wendee. Wen. Friend. Soul sister.

Two things I admire about my soul sister, Wen:

Enthusiasm and Determination.

Wendee reminds me of the energizer bunny. She gets an idea and she goes with it and
doesn't stop until it happens. She thinks in possibilities. She doesn't just dream; she succeeds. In college, she seemed to have the elusive balance. She treated school like a 9-5 job, maintained a 4.0 and had time to play. When she wanted to stay home with her children, she taught herself how to create websites to create income from home. She defended her Masters thesis with ease and grace just after giving birth to her first child.

Wendee is a glass half full kind of gal. She doesn't waste time complaining, describing in detail the texture of the glass and how full it used to be and how the people and events in her life have drank from her cup and now it's only 49.98% full. Wendee grabs the pitcher and fills it back up. She sees life as a puzzle: nothing is impossible, just create a plan and do it. Many times, when I have been afraid that I can't do something or have wanted to give up, I have thought of her and all that she has accomplished with very little help. She falls down, she gets right back up. She steers off course, she adjusts her sail. Through it all, she hangs on to the child-like enthusiasm that makes her so endearing.

I can picture Wendee as a little girl running through a field of sunflowers, eyes bright and shining, laughing without a care in the world, completely immersed in the moment.

She's still that little girl, and no one will ever convince her that dreams are for children, that you have to grow up and settle. Some people have enthusiasm, but run in circles. Some people have determination, yet are uninspired and self-limiting. In possessing both, a person can move mountains. In Wendee's world, you don't grow up and give up your dreams, you grow up and learn how to make them come true.

Whiners of the world. meet your savior.

tuesdays with morrie

I am reading Tuesdays with Morrie aloud to my kids. I love this book. I love its messages. I love the compassion Morrie has. Here are a few of the parts that I love that I read today.

Morrie is talking about how he saw a TV show with people in Bosnia getting shot at and how he started to cry for them. It was, at first, foreign to Mitch why you would feel this compassion for people someone didn't know. As a journalist, Mitch interviewed grieving families and attended funerals and never shed a tear. And Morrie said to him "The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." I think it's so true that not only do we learn how to give but to receive which is difficult for many people who are very generous but not so loving and generous toward themselves, to allow people to help us, and to accept kindness and love when it is given.

In the next chapter a favorite part is when Morrie is talking about how people don't think about what is important in life until they are faced with death. He says "the culture doesn't encourage you to think about such things until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up in egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks - we're involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?"

Then he adds "You need someone to probe you in that direction. It won't just happen automatically."

I hope to teach my kids to live their lives so that they always have compassion on their fellow man/woman, and to live each day to the fullest possible potential, to know that this day could be their last because death comes like a thief in the night, and this moment right here and right now is truly all we have. Fill it with love.

And what of the incredibly painful, sad, fearful times we really do endure? How do we feel love and joy amidst pain and uncertainty of the future - or in Morrie's case with known certain death? He replied to this question about whether he feels sorry for himself by saying "I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life."

Which reminds me of the bible passage taped to my bathroom door that tells me to focus my mind on what is good in the world and not get hung up on the negative, which I believe can run our mind in circles and lead to depression, which is rampant in our society. We don't need Prozac we need love! Genuine, compassionate, godly love that is not between man-woman but human-human; it can be friend, family, or mate. It is "agape" we need to learn to give and receive and that can heal the world.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Philippians 4:8

the threefold way

If there is one thing I have learned from this recent situation it is to trust the skeptical voice. I'm not talking about becoming totally jaded or cynical, I mean just that trust takes time and needs to be earned. It's easy for women (don't know for men because I'm not one and I have more women friends) to weaken our boundaries --- to trust too soon, and to put up with mildly unacceptable behavior or to think that things will change.

The way a person is with one thing is the way they are with all things. Show them the door and don't look back - life is too short to waste time holding onto false hope that people will change - they rarely do. If the relationship and love is genuine they will be patient and honest, they will return to what is right immediately. If not, then it's not right. And if it's not right, no matter of time is going to change that. I have learned that there is no need to wait around for anyone. I don't believe that any man needs "time". I believe that when I knew something wasn't right, I was right, and it was wrong of me to try to justify another's absence or distance - if it didn't work for me, then I should have walked away and not kept holding onto hope. There is simply no justification that is acceptable. To heck with the sweet words, they turn bitter in the mouth. That reminds me of a bible passage "I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up. It was as sweet as honey in my mouth. When I had eaten it, my stomach was made bitter." Revelation 10:10

The whole passage some have suggested is about the Antichrist, who comes to power by way of deceiving the people with sweet words.

A friend called tonight to have me talk her out of calling her exboyfriend and I threw many verbal tomatoes at him and it did the job! LOL. We are so much more deserving than that kind of treatment. We rock. ;)

I've been thinking about an understanding of the universe and the right way to live that involves three aspects
(1) love, acceptance and tolerance of others
(2) knowledge of and protecting one's own boundaries
(3) critical eye inward: continual self-introspection to determine where one can improve.

Although we can love and accept all others with a godly, forgiving, prayerful and merciful love, because of aspect 2, we don't necessarily let all people into our lives. We have to know and protect our boundaries as to what is acceptable behavior within our own lives. The bible says not to judge, but there is a difference between hypocritical and self-righteous judgment, and spiritual discernment/righteous judgment (John 7:24) that allows us to decide what is right for following a path of love for God, humanity, and ourselves. Turning the critical eye inward ensures we don't stagnate. When you get older if you don't exercise you're going to gain weight and lose health. Staying in shape takes energy and effort. Likewise with spiritual growth.

As people get older I believe boundaries weaken. Many have come face to face with their weaknesses, and some give up that they will ever or can change. People use this excuse to justify further going down the wrong path. It's never to late to return to the path, and everyone has the ability to reach for the power and love and grace that comes from Jesus Christ. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

ha ha ha ha ha

Savannah to me on the phone last night: "you're dancing around, shaking your booty & eating cheese?" (and I was...)

Just know that Savannah is a riot. She is a tween, and she is so sarcastic (wonder where she gets that from) and she cracks me up. She is not constantly silly like Sam but she and I have our moments. We have a home that has a lot of silliness. Matt (their dad) also is a very subtly hilarious guy. He likes to say he is from the planet Cruton. Savannah always hits him when he says that. We used to play a game Matt made up called "No not really" where we'd make up some crazy off the wall story, not revealing it was a made up story, and inevitably one of the kids would go "really?" and then we'd say "No, not really." It's amazing what you can get the kids to believe, even if temporarily.

My favorite one is "I was sitting in Starbucks the other day in the big purple chairs and I looked out the window and there was a giant donut rolling down the sidewalk."

Now this is the actual factual truth - I got a pack of Bertie Botts beans (of Harry Potter fame) at the video store the other day and I'd written an essay on these a couple years ago but hadn't seen them since they came out with the 1st movie. These things are hilarious - so Savannah and Sam & I are reading the package "key" to jellybeans - in an increasingly incredulous voice I'm saying out loud, "Black pepper, booger, dirt, Earthworm! Earwax! sardine, soap, bacon, rotten egg, Vomit!"

We tried some of the nasty ones before, and trust me they are dis-gust-ing. I had tried dirt before and it tasted like... dirt! Last night my friend came over and we sampled the goods, and Savannah had said soap was good, so I tried it and sure enough it wasn't bad. It definitely tasted like hand soap.

Gail was like "it tastes like, eww, something, soap and... sugar!" I also tried a black pepper (not bad) and vomit (had to spit that baby out... ewwwwww and double ewww). We were cracking up. And thanks to my awesome friends Gia & Elizabeth who popped in last night while Gail & I were watching a video and surprised me with brownies and a S-bucks card for my bday!!! Love you guys!

radical honesty

I have not written about my adventures out on Matagorda Bay at the end of July. I went out with Bill Balboa, fisheries biologist for an article I'm writing for TX Parks & Wildlife on the new delta at the mouth of the Colorado River. It was great fun. I truly love adventures.

Here are some photos from the trip: Matagorda Bay

I've been thinking about how it is when someone misunderstands your intentions or just flat out doesn't like you. I have always wanted to live at peace with all people but sometimes it just doesn't matter what you say or do, some people are just not going to be happy or they're not going to like you. You're going to rub them the wrong way. It used to bother me but I keep hearing those words I used to hate, in the kind voice of my best friend Daline saying, "You're doing the best you can."

And you know, what I love about Daline and what I strive for in my own life is to try to accept myself as is, to love myself even with the parts of me I don't like or are in progress, and yet to not use liking who I am as a general person as an excuse to not move forward to improve myself for tomorrow. There is always room for improvement. And you have to look within because people unfortunately don't usually sit you down and say, look here is what I wish you would change in the way you interact with me. I think its cowardice personally to be a bit blunt because most people will just walk away from a relationship or friendship or acquaintance rather than just talking about how things really are. I mean, come on people! Let's just lay it all on the line.

I believe in radical honesty. I think that no matter what you've been through, there is no shame in living this human existence. The only way society has ever progressed is sharing the painful, deeper, more intimate truths and showing other people that they are not alone in the things they feel or have experienced. We are never alone, no matter how alone we feel. We can always choose to come to the table and talk about it, and share our pain, our shame, our sorrow and likewise our joy, our successes, our strengths, our lessons. We live in a human community and it's about time we realized it.

WEENUS

Dedicated to my friend Bill Balboa who makes me laugh out loud and first introduced me to the world of weenuses (and he is definitely not a weenus) I have started a new blog WEENUS - check it out http://weenuses.blogspot.com

WEENUS
"A site to report all the weenuses in the world and all the crappy things they do. Send in your stories and I'll post them anonymously"

WEENUS: loose skin on your elbow according to urbandictionary. Dude your weenus is showing! Do you have any lotion? My weenus is dry.

WEENUS (my definition): Dimrods of the human race of all ilk and variety

And to describe the ultimate WEENUS: There is no knight in shining armor. There are only knights that come dashing up on their high horse, sweep you off of your feet, and jab their jousting stick through your heart.

Married to Mowgli, With Children

Married to Mowgli, With Children
(c) 2002 Wendee Holtcamp

(For a little comic relief, I am posting an essay I read on NPRs All Things Considered back in 2002)

I should have worried when he said he liked me because of the dirt under my fingernails on the first night we met. I worked at a nursery, and dirty fingernails were a natural result of planting petunias. He thought I was a real earthy girl. I had just returned from five months in Australia studying rainforest ecology, and I thought I was pretty earthy myself.

I was too enthralled with his chiseled muscles and those gorgeous blue eyes to notice his strange interests. I would soon discover that he was more like Mowgli the jungle boy than Brad Pitt. Before long, he’d be feeding our children maggots served on a bed of lemony rabbit grass. No matter that I was actually the one who had swung from vines in the Australian rainforest, my Mowgli could actually survive from the fruits of the earth.

“Me Mowgli, jungle boy, me eat wild creature and fruit of the earth.” He didn’t actually say that, but he may as well have. He’d supped on nearly every wild creature found in these southern parts: possum, soft-shell turtle, squirrel, deer, wild turkey, duck, alligator, frog. “Always wanted to try armadillo,” he often said.

“Leprosy doesn’t deter you?” I’d ask, in wonder, knowing these creatures are the only non-human carriers of leprosy in the animal kingdom. I knew it wouldn’t.

Once we got married and procreated, like the chimps of Gombe he passed along his unusual behavioral traits to our children. One afternoon, I returned home from teaching Biology, and my husband had a bowl of what looked like pine nuts before him, our two children eagerly peering inside. Some of the “nuts” are wiggling about in the bowl.

“Mmm, try some,” he said, as he popped a handful into his mouth.

“Gross!” I replied, “What are they?”

“Carpenter ant larvae.”

“Oh lovely. You’re feeding maggots to my children!”

My young ones are far braver than I. They each reached into the bowl and grabbed some of the white elongate creatures that had been dug up from a hollow tree by the bayou. My daughter selected one non-wiggling pine nut ant larvae creature and slowly lowered into onto her tongue. She chewed it nervously, then ran and spit it out on the front porch.

Sam grabbed a whole handful, wiggly ones and all. “Mmm. Tastes like nuts. It would go good with rabbit grass!” He slipped outside to gather a handful of the lemony relative of clover.

“So, I suppose you have researched whether or not these are poisonous?” I asked jungle boy, senior.

“Ant eggs aren’t poisonous,” he guffawed. “They’re a delicacy!”

“Just like the Drummond rattlebox beans, I suppose.”

A few months back, we had been kayaking along our backyard bayou when he noticed a rattling pod of a common shrub. We pulled to the shore and collected several. When we got home, he shelled them and promptly began to boil them up for dinner.

“Aren’t you going to check if they are poisonous?”

“They’re legumes,” he assured me. “Legumes are never poisonous.” He tried to persuade me based on the fact that he’s been eating wild roots and shoots since he was a child wandering the back woods of Mississippi -- even had him a book on edible nature, at one time.

“Hmm, sure,” I said, not at all convinced. He’s about to feed some strange thing to my lovely children with nary a second thought as to whether it may cause their neurons to misfire or their livers to turn purple. I pulled out my handy guidebook, “Trees and Shrubs of Texas.”

“May poison livestock.” I read aloud. He looked up from the stove.

“We’re not livestock,” he replied, hopefully. He turned off the pot, and discarded the beans.

But here in the same kitchen, it was too late with the ant eggs. The kids had already consumed them. Nobody regurgitated ant maggots that night, so we can all rest assured that carpenter ants are indeed edible, if not at all appetizing.

So it is, married to Mowgli, with children. Never certain what aboriginal delicacy will end up in my kitchen. I’ve learned to wrinkle my brow and say in a perturbed voice, “disgusting!”

Secretly, I think it’s hilarious. It makes an interesting conversation twist when I’m out with my girlfriends. They think they have it bad when their husbands won’t cook. I mollify their concern with my stories of my jungle boy husband that does cook.

st. francis prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

anger management

A friend sent me this story about anger management and I won't post the whole thing here, but it starts out:
-------------------
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
-------------------

I laughed so hard reading this, and today when driving to work, some jerk in a big red truck (I hate guys driving the freaking humongous trucks - they are always moron assholes) tailgated me and then cut in front of me (I despise tailgaters) and so I noticed he had a FOR SALE sign in his car (the later part of the story circulating the net actually has this same scenario) but I really did this - I caught up with the guy and wrote the number down in my notebook I carry with me, and next to it wrote "Asshole". I doubt I will ever call but I am tempted because I am having serious pissed off issues the past few days!

I could write a really good Jagged Little Pill right now and I just might. Except it wouldn't be music it will be a book. Besides a lack of concentration, and anger, I have actually started laughing a lot. Its kind of strange - stress release I guess. My daughter is in this weird phase where she is doing something strange sounding with her voice and breath, so at dinner I started talking like her and we were all cracking up. Savannah decided she wanted to act like monkeys at the dinner table so I said ok so all three of us were there making monkey noises and scratching our armpits - it was quite a site. ROFLOL

pearl in the oyster

I went to the beach this week with my kids, a last rendezvous before school starts. I had received a whollop of bad news on Wednesday morning, had to spend the day in meetings where I wasn't really mentally there, and then got to get away...

At the beach, my kids and I spun around and around and around with our arms outstretched in the surf until we were dizzy and I said that we were spinning all our cares away. I did cartwheels in the surf. Then we all laid down on our tummies and let the surf and the washed up sargassum seaweed wash over us. Sam had a blast looking for crabs and shrimp in the sargassum. He's such a little explorer. My brilliant 10-year old daughter astounded me by saying "Life is like an oyster. You have to get through all the yucky stuff and inside there is a little pearl." It brought tears to my eyes. I asked her where she heard that and she said it was inside her head. There is an Alanis song that says "Me, whose seen life as an oyster...". For my 10 year old to have this wisdom without anyone telling her, even if she heard the song and figured it out astounds me. Especially because she put it in a way that even I hadn't gotten the message from the song quite that way.

Lessons I learned recently:
(1) If it seems too good to be true, it is.
(2) Listen to your inner voice, but even better follow it. Listen to your inner voice above the part of you that wants to believe in love and the integrity of other people.