Saturday, July 23, 2005

hard on myself

The other day I was listening to Debbie Ford's audio-CD and she was talking about ending blame and taking responsibility for our lives, and in the visualization she asks who do you blame, and I realized that I have taken to heart that I have responsibility for my life for better or worse for a long time. Though I've certainly had anger at my parents mistakes, I fully accept the responsibility of taking my life by the bootstraps and getting my act together and making things happen. The result is something that I don't know how to deal with -I place all the blame for things going awry on myself! So we are told to take responsibility but how do we avoid then blaming ourselves for our problems and mistakes? How do we prevent self-blame and self-hatred and choose self-love in the face of accepting total responsibility?

I talked to my friend Daline and she said she could see how hard I am on myself. True story. We were talking about how she tries to have compassion on people as doing the best that they can, but I told her I disliked that phrase. I mean, was Hitler "doing the best he could"? No way! I don't care what kind of crappy childhood he had, he was NOT doing the best he could. He could have done better. I feel we can always do better - the world is full of such apathy and greed and selfishness and I just have to think that we people can do better! That is when Daline said she can see how hard I am on myself... And when I say these things about the world I have to look inward and say, where in myself do I see apathy and greed and selfishness? Because one can't deny all the things we hate in the world sometimes come up in our own lives. I love Daline, because you know she loves me for who I am and I think she is the coolest woman.

I just get so impatient for wanting the promised land right now, and I'm stuck instead with days of loneliness and longing.

I was in Wal-Mart and this mom was looking at DVDs with her young daughter and they were discussing buying one, and the daughter said something and then all of a sudden the mom says, "OK Ms. know-it-all, that's what happens when you know it all, you get nothing." I was like, sheesh what kind of message are the dysfunctional moms of the world who shop at Walmart telling their kids! I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but to tell your kid that if you know it all, you get nothing? Thank God I didn't get that message because I want to know it all! Learning is about the only thing I'm good at...

I sat at this dock in the photo at a black bear workshop in Martin Dies Jr State Park the other week talking to a TPW biologist and it was just enjoyable to have a nice conversation with someone - it invigorates my spirit to connect with people and share life and interests. It was a good day.

1 comment:

Sus said...

I too get so angry and disappointed at parents that obviously haven't got a clue how to talk to a child. It's sad that they don't remember how they felt when they were little.