an unusual expedition

well i must admit, i thought about not blogging about this mighty personal new adventure of mine, but decided to. i am about to go get a strange flexible utensil - probably with a video camera on the end - jammed up my rear end and through my intestines. yes, its the infamous colonoscopy.

i am terrified. i have catastrophic thinking as it is, and i am a highly sensitive/emotional person. so of course i'm thinking of all the things like, do i need to write my kids a loving goodbye note in case i don't wake up from general anesthesia? i have cried because of the fear. i have cried to god saying, i want to help people! i want to stay here on earth and do so many good things for the world! i have fears of them finding cancer. i also have had some chest pains a lot lately, and weird blood pressure (108/80... so low on the systolic and a very low pulse but high diastolic. in other words, as i understand it, i have a weak contraction and yet my heart doesn't relax enough on the relaxation). so of course i worry that my heart will just stop beating. i also have night sweats sometimes so have had fears of cancer or illness on top of the present issues.

then i am also freaked about money. so finally i am actually doing fairly well with the finances and freelancing, so then what happens? i get some stupid "issue" and having self employed insurance with a high deductible, i am going to be out of pocket about $2000. and that's IF they don't find something major wrong. and that of course sends me into internal panic mode.

then the doc wants to give me this anesthesia called propofol. i did a bit of research and its an amnesiac. well i am 100% opposed to amnesiacs in anesthesia. i asked the doc when we were visiting about it (before i knew it was an amnesiac) - and the added cost b/c it requires an anesthesiologist as opposed to demerol which does not need as careful of monitoring. and he came back in with a breakdown of the costs - NOT including (i learned later) the cost of any biopsies or other procedures - just his fee and the facility fee, even though i asked "and this covers EVERYTHING, that's it?" i have no faith in people anymore!!!! you really have to fight for your own welfare, because i don't care what they say, the doctor does not care about you the way you care about you.

so now i have to figure out what to do. part of me wants to just cancel and stick my head in the sand. i'm sure i'm fine, so just fuggedaboutit. part of me wants to find out. i am really scared. did i say that already?

i will say that there are some things that may be routine to the docs and nurses but each and every patient who walks through that door has their own internal fears about death, illness, leaving their kids mommyless, and they need to address that person as if they had the same thing going on - because health issues are scary, and you want to feel like that person giving care has your best interest at heart and not their pocketbook, or how much time it takes to get you in and out of their facility.

so this all will go on thursday, if i go through with it.