quest

I have had a strong desire lately to go on a quest, an expedition of sorts. I have been feeling a pull to write the memoir i have talked about for so long. Of course this is balanced with the need to work on my book proposal for which i already have an agent... also important. i think the memoir will take some time to write anyway. my quest would be to go and meet and interview the people of my life, and the people in my parents' lives, my cousin, my relatives in vegas, and to talk extensively and memory-mine my dad, brother, and "second mom" Celeta. i just feel such a strong wanderlust sometimes, the desire to run away and escape... to search and seek. i also want to go to festivals like the Oregon Country Fair and Burning Man just to experience them and to be reminded of that hippie era i grew up in. It seems so far away... yet it is such a part of me. I hate the hypocrisy and materialism of the place i live. I am not saying everyone is like this, but i see it around me and woe to me that judges, but gads it drives me insane.

When i got divorced, i promised myself i would always be honest with my feelings and who i was and never hide again for fear of someone's judgements. i was so brave then, even as i made mistakes. and now i struggle between the opposite poles of fierce independence and the need to be accepted and loved. it seems so hard sometimes to find people who love you, despite your flaws. everyone wants to judge and run away and not solve problems. i hate that. it makes me angry. it's the way of the world, i suppose, but not the way i want my world to be. to accept humanity is to accept other flawed humans, and to forgive and to communicate and to grow together. I love that i have such amazing bright lights of friendships shining in the world, like the stars above. just wish you all were closer. i do not fit in to texas! never did like it here, even as a kid. and of course the words of my mother ringing through my ears "of course you like texas. don't be ridiculous" ever denying every thought and every statement i make...which continues. so foolish!