I got home from the hospital last night. I came home to a very messy house, and I just started crying. It reminded me of how alone I was, and how lonely I feel sometimes. I honestly normally do not think of myself as lonely. I am pretty independent, and yet, when something like this hits, all those feelings come home to nest. I think they are especially heightened because I have become close to Doug, and now he's offshore for 3 months, and that is a darn long time. I got so much love and support from friends and family on my facebook page, in email and from phone calls, and a few visitors at the hospital but most of the time I sat in my hospital bed alone, with my laptop. Most patients had people there in their rooms 24/7. It was just a very lonely and scary time. Made worse by the fact that not one single doctor or nurse really seemed to care at all what was wrong with me, or in finding out!
I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself, but the truth is I have never been hospitalized in my life. I've never been sick. I'm really healthy and when something so weird like this happens, it is very scary and it would be nice to have someone in my life who could be there with me. Doug once described our relationship as a young sprout that needs to be nurtured, and I agree, but can a young sprout of a relationship survive this kind of distance for this long? I don't have the answers. I wish I knew, and all I can do is hope and pray because I believe it is worth it. There's nothing I would like more than to have someone godly to share life with again, long term. I have so many questions for God, and just wish answers were more easily found.
I am working on my positive attitude thing, I have to remind myself, and count my blessings. In fact I think I need to restart up my gratitude journal. I have let that go by the wayside. I think I'll also start morning pages again. I have recommitted to praying and reading the Bible every morning which I usually do, but sometimes things get in the way like hospital stays.... they did not have Bibles there. Can you believe that?
So despite no real diagnosis as to why the right side of my body went numb, and a huge bill looming, and missing the heck out of Doug and feeling lonely and a bit scared, I am going to focus on the positive - the many wonderful friends I have, the roof over my head, the safety of my community, the career I love and the book I'm writing that I very much believe in the importance of, and the new President who gives me hope for a better tomorrow, a wonderful man who loves and adores me, and last but not least the hope and faith in my God, Jesus, who is amazing and radical... I will put one foot in front of the other and trust that He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future.