Getting settled in Uganda...

"Stubborn gladness doesn't come out of nowhere; you fight for it. You push back against despair. I look hard for miracle and beauty and joy every day.” - Liz Gilbert

Some updates from my life in Uganda so far... These are from emails I've sent to friends and family. To give some background in case you are new, I visited Uganda in Jan/Feb, and felt God calling me here to serve and love the people, I don't know completely why or how, but I know I felt His strong call, and so here I am. I raised 2 amazing young people, my Sam and Savannah, who are now in college, and am here starting a nonprofit, the Redemption Song Foundation (which is officially now registered as a 501(c)(3) [pending status] charitable organization - and all donations will be tax deductible!). I arrived in the country mid-Sep and stayed in Kampala/Entebbe a few days getting supplies, and then came to Buhoma Village, near Bwindi Impenetrable National Park (home to half the world's remaining mountain gorillas!) where I've rented a house that will be my home and RSF office. My vet friend Ben came to help me get set up, and would work with us but is going to Israel for further studies very soon. But he's helping so much! David is another local friend who is helping. Please "like" our Redemption Song Foundation (RSF) page on Facebook or follow us on Twitter (we are slower to get the Tweets coming, but soon!) In fact, if anyone wants to volunteer and do some social media, accounting, legal work, t-shirt/graphic design, or anything else let me know!

Sep 24... I went running this morning - very different at elevation compared to at sea level!! My chest is still heaving, hours later I have a massive headache today too that wont go away.

The Redemption Song Foundation met with local leaders today at my house/RSF office and it was great to meet them! Work is proceeding on the hot water system despite the random stray goats in the house (!) and yard yesterday (only in Africa!) and them stepping on the concrete LOL.

The family living out back, I gave the kids each new t-shirts and brought the mom/dad hot tea, and then a bit later the dad went around and got the avocados from way up high in the avocado trees and I now have 10 gigantic avocados! :) They also clean up around the yard. I took some photos of them and me holding the baby/toddler girl today, and will send sometime. They are so sweet. The two boys have a weird fungus one all over his scalp and I am going to get them to the hospital so they can get care.

Ben leaves tomorrow and it will be so much harder just me and Charity, though it will be nice to be in my house and able to settle in and get some work done planning and getting my house settled. I ordered a large table & chars to be made, a desk and a countertop/pantry. I am getting the toilets fixed and the hot water and the leaking roof fixed. Within 3 days I should have hot water – God willing!! Pray for that LOL! I have it here at the monkey house I stay at but have to leave here Friday.

Sep 25… Today I went shopping in the local market :) It is about 10 stalls with lots of veggies. I learned how to ask "how much is it” but I already forgot – I think it is nazengahi? Something like that. I went a bit overboard and bought a bunch of Irish potatoes, sweet potatoes, a cabbage, several tomatoes, 4 eggplant, lemons, a pineapple, a huge bunch of matoke (green non-sweet bananas that when cooked taste like potatoes - there are a lot of carbs in their diet!), and a Ginormous jackfruit (the size of a watermelonŠ -- we ate half and I gave away a bunch and there¹s still a whole half left! They taste like Starbursts!).

Charity made lunch for me, David, and Ben today which was a cabbage dish with Irish potatoes (they call regular potatoes Irish potatoes) and it was really good; however, I discovered the "margarine" I thought I bought was actually lard. :/ Oops.

I bought some other random things today like paint for the shower/toilet rooms as they are kind of gross. The workers are still finishing up the plumbing work to get the hot water system working, and then we will add a big double sink as right now the only sink in the house is one small shallow porcelain one. We don't have any counter space at all in our makeshift kitchen so I had ordered something that will have counter space (wood) and pantry/storage space below. It isn't ready yet, as the same furniture maker is doing my desk which I thought more important because it will be where I lock up valuables like my camera and laptop. A different furniture maker is doing my 3 x 7 table and chairs.

Ben left this evening and is headed back to Kampala, though he may come back a few days before he heads off to Israel. He has been such a great help! If

David is also gone over the weekend so it will be just me and Charity for nowŠ and the family that lives out back. :) I give them food like boiled eggs and jackfruit and they help around with various things.


Sep 26… So my new android phone dropped (twice) and the screen cracked and so it is completely dead. I now have to use my old "dumb phone” for my Uganda #.

I am getting my bedroom set up as I like. Today, I got the 4 dining chairs I ordered, and I am spending way too much money but HOPEFULLY soon I can stop spending money on the house and start spending more on kids. Today I brought the mom and boy Posiano (living behind me) to the hospital because he has this terrible infected wound on his leg, and he had a fever and I worried it was becoming systemic but they cant give antibiotics without admitting him and it was after hours and he didnt have a fever despite his forehead feeling hot, so we will bring him and the other 2 in tomorrow (they all have worms and have a weird fungus infection on their skin). Actually Charity is going to bring them in and pay (my $) because I need to go to Kihihi with my hot water guy to get $ from the ATM!

Sep 27… Today was a stressful day. I had my first ride on a Ugandan "taxi" (more like a small mini-bus with several people) to go to Kihihi, the nearest town with an ATM (2 hours away) but it wasnt working... I am totally out of money and have nothing to pay everyone who I ordered stuff from with. I was with Charity (who helps me at my home) and James, who is doing my hot water system. No one seems to know when the next taxis come, or how to get from A to B. I wanted to go to the next town (Kanungu) to get money, but all these boda (motorcycle drivers) swarmed around me and it was very stressful. We missed the 2pm taxi back home though we met on the road at 145pm. James seems clueless how to get around even though he lives here... he doesn't speak as good of English as Charity does, but anyway the whole thing was a bit of a nightmare! We rented a private car for 100,000 shillings (about $40) to go to Kanungu only the 2 banks there only work for Uganda banks, and so we left home with just a couple of groceries and a toilet seat... And (TMI for the guys) having your period when there are only pit latrines with no toilet paper unless you ask 10 million people for TP is really not fun!! I guess today I have to be thankful for small things like safe travel, my new toilet seat, and Charity who is a total sweetheart and calls me “mum”.

The knob on my NEW propane stove broke (it broke earlier but we got it on, now it wont go on at all) so only 2 of 4 elements work (the black part of the element that was here the 1st day is missing since that day- where in the hell did it go??) And I cant get any cash, not even Western Union is working it sent from my bank, but I cant retrieve it on my mobile money account), and I am PMS and right now I am not happy!!

Sep 29… The family living out back has some health issues, so I paid for their care at the hospital (only 5000 shillings, a couple dollars) - for an infected foot, fungus on skin, worms. We’ve been feeding them extra food we cook and buy, and I’m trying to raise $ to put the younger son (Posiano) in school, its about 100,000 shillings including supplies (beans, pens, TP etc) which is about $40 US per term. If anyone wants to donate you can through the http://www.redemptionsongfoundation.org site, or send a check to mom/grandma: Redemption Song Foundation PO Box 876, Frisco TX 75034. The older boy, Justus, is so cute, he came and showed me his school book with his grades (some good, some medium LOL) and he only can attend because the mother works on the vegetable gardens for the school.

It rains every day but not all day. It can rain buckets, but then it stops. They’re putting a new tin roof sheet on now because there was a leak. Yesterday was a hard day emotionally as was the day before BUT I am putting things in perspective (thanks Tim! LOL) and learning patience (not my strong suit) and read some amazing words from my fave author Liz Gilbert… "Stubborn gladness doesn't come out of nowhere; you fight for it. You push back against despair. I look hard for miracle and beauty and joy every day.”

And even more so, David who is a friend of Bens (the vet helping me who is going to Israel soon) & has also been helping me get settled in, got a call this morn here at my house, and his 35-yr old brother in law had died after falling ill, leaving behind 4 kids and a wife. Very sad. Death is all too common here.

Oct 2... Yesterday, I went to the town of Kanungu on the back of David’s “boda” (motorcycle) which is 2.5 hours away (my butt was sore!) to try to retrieve the Western Union money I wired myself 3 days ago to my “mobile money” account (money that you can access through your cell phone almost anywhere – only the WU network on mobile money had been failing to work…). So we get there and they told me the system was down, and they were having trouble… are you kidding me? LOL. NOTHING WORKS IN AFRICA! So after some number of attempts he manages to get me my $200 US in shillings. Hooray for small miracles.

We then went to the town of Kihihi (which is actually closer to home) to open a bank account (their ATM was down Saturday for international withdrawals, and is still down and will be down until next week apparently). So I opened a local account in the hopes I can wire money there from my US bank account, only I left without an account number or any verification that I’d deposited anything… I insisted he give me this one piece of paper. I only put in 20,000 shillings which is like $8 so it’s not a big deal but I should be able to get money from all Uganda ATMs once I get money in there (mind you, Kihihi is the nearest ATM to Buhoma & is 1.5 hour by boda and 2.5 by bus…).

Driving on the boda with music in one ear (one open so I could hear!) was pretty cool, looking so closely at the African landscape that is so foreign and yet feels like home. All the children get so excited to see a mzungu (white person) and they all wave and say “Mzungu!” and laugh and smile when I wave back.

Before we went, I had gone to the Victory Primary School across the street to see about getting Posiano into a nursery class, but apparently theres only 1 mo left in the term before a 3-mo break (equivalent to our summer break) so they said it’s best to wait until next year. Im teaching him some English words like nose, ears, hello :) And tonight after I got back I was walking on the path to the back door (where I enter the house, usually) and I feel this little tug and it’s him – he adores me, it’s so cute. And then later I was inside and I heard dancing and drum beat (the mom Vastine tapping on a plastic “jerry can” - used for water) and went out and saw the 3 kids and Charity singing and dancing so I joined them and did some videos and I cant seem to upload them but will soon! It was super fun and they all giggle to see a mzungu dancing and carrying a bag of flour on her head (yesterday) etc :D I say to everyone I am a mukiga hahaha (mu is person, mukigas is a local, or bakiga is plural, like batwa is plural for mutwa the forest pygmies).

Some photos from recent days...all mixed up...

A baby pineapple in my front yard

The street running through Buhoma, where I now live

I have my very own "egg man" who delivers!

My home and office of the Redemption Song Foundation!

Miriam, Justus, and the legs of Posiano who had an infected foot. 

Matoke (green bananas) and jackfruit (a massive yummy fruit!) Both grow in my yard. 

We gave baby Miriam some millet porridge :) 

My amazing front yard!

Posiano by the building he and his family live in on our property. 

I rather like my frog laundry basket I bought in Kampala, you? :) This is my bedroom.

Elephants on the savanna in Queen Elizabeth National Park which we went through on the way here.

A big elephant in Queen Elizabeth! He was very close!

Ben holding baby Miriam! :) 

Me holding baby Miriam with the family. These t-shirts were donated by a friend to bring to the kids here.

Moving selfie on a boda from yesterday!

Boda ride!

Sweet Posiano and I yesterday

We're not broken, just bent

Lake McKenzie, Fraser Island, Australia
(c) Wendee Nicole 2008

I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
...
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
- Pink, Just Give Me a Reason

The 4th of July - Independence Day - used to be my favorite holiday. I've blogged before about this, but as a kid, I always spent summers with my dad, and on the 4th he'd usually go to a party in town where we'd watch fireworks on the Columbia river. When I was really little fireworks scared me, and I'd bury my head in his strong loving arms. But as I got older I loved the fireworks and the Oregon summer air and being together with my brother (who I didn't live with except in the summer) and my dad. It was like my family was together only during these summertimes. Now, holidays alone are hard for me. Yesterday was tough. Independence day just reminds me that I am "independent" ie single. Most of the time I am perfectly fine with that, and enjoy my solitude, and hanging with friends and doing my work, but on holidays when my close friends leave town to spend time with their families and I'm left alone it can be tough. And as I near the empty nest when both my kids will be gone from under my roof (only my son is there now), the prospect of facing life alone for the rest of my days can feel daunting. (It is also a factor in why I have decided to apply for grad school - I want to challenge myself and reinvent my career and do more for people who might be suffering or struggling in the world than I feel I can do through my writing alone).

At any rate, yesterday I felt really alone and reached out to someone who did not respond quite as I had hoped. At first the lack of response was ok for me, but it turned to a bit of a downer today when I got a more abrupt message. My heart felt saddened, and after a cry and a nice hot bath, I decided that this was a job for mama-love! I really have healed my relationship with my mom tremendously over the past year, mostly because I now have a teenager and it made me appreciate the hell I put my mom through and all the ways that I held a silly grudge over things she did her best on, and I truly forgave things from my childhood from my heart. I had meant to blog about this before, but didn't get to it... so here it is. And my mom isn't that old, but you just never know when a parent might go, and I absolutely would and will be heartbroken. Because of our healing, I feel a new closeness to my mom, and wish she was even closer so we could spend more time together.

So here I am, in Dallas visiting for a bit, and on the drive up this evening I felt that I needed to listen to the final CD of the audio-book of The Shack (an amazing book!) for the third time, and it was exactly what I needed to hear! This is a fictional story of a guy named Mackenzie (Mac) whose young daughter Missy is kidnapped and brutally murdered. He eventually goes to the "shack" where she was killed and there, ends up spending several days with three characters: Papa (God) who is a black woman, Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) represented as an ethereal sparkly Asian woman, and Jesus. At the end of the story, it turns out he was in a coma from a car accident, but the time spent with the trinity was genuine because he was able to locate Missy's body from what he had learned over the course of the days. Throughout the book, the time Mac spends with each of the characters is awesome and illuminating; Mac learns about faith and doubt, and how much God loves us as a beautiful chaotic mess. For example, they show Mac a messy flower garden to represent his heart and soul. One of my favorite lines is where Papa likes to say about everyone that comes up in conversation "I am especially fond of ____." Feeling loved by God is so hard sometimes, but as Beth Moore says, until we can feel deeply loved by God, we cant love God with our whole hearts and minds and soul and strength. It's a process of letting go and of asking to feel loved - hard because people often transpose God with our own fathers or caregivers or experiences in life.

There was a scene in that last part of the book I listened to where Papa brought Mac to the cave where the killer had put Missy's young body and, I blogged about a couple posts ago, I have personified love that never really had a full chance to grow as a baby in utero that died (I promise this isnt gruesome! But helpful and healing!); it has helped me process the loss. So during this scene Papa asks Mac to forgive the killer and Mac of course struggles with his anger and his feelings of desiring revenge and justice, and it was so poignant for me because when I am upset with people sometimes and especially when I feel a sense of injustice - I think this is fairly common - I want to let that person know how they made me feel, and in the process the words can hurt them. I learned through some counseling that is actually a form of "revenge" - who knew? Like, if they could just understand how much they hurt me, they would feel bad, understand, and make it better or fix it. In my experience it has never worked out that way. They feel bad, and then get upset themselves. Anyway, so of course a form of anger is a normal stage of grieving and mourning the loss of anything, and I had gone through that stage but in the past weeks had reached a more peaceful acceptance and had felt pretty good until this reaching out episode....

But hearing that dialogue between Papa and Mac, when he said out loud he forgave the killer - and that did not mean that it was OK what he did, or that he had to have a relationship with the person. But Papa (God) said that He loved the killer because he was His child. He didn't love what the killer had become, but He loved him "for the broken child twisted by his pain." If only we could see those who hurt us in small ways and big through these loving eyes of grace! If we could really live this out in life! How powerful that would be. Papa said there is power in speaking and declaring forgiveness out loud, and so I turned the CD off and spoke out loud that I forgave that person for the very few things I still felt any upset over, and then I realized what I mostly needed was to forgive myself and to truly accept God's forgiveness for my own mistakes in this, and so I spoke that - I said God I accept your forgiveness for... all these things. I cried, and it was so poignant and beautiful. And then I continued to listen to the end of the book, and just like Mac with his flood of joy upon forgiveness, I literally felt this warmth and this peacefulness come over me. I felt like I had such deep love for this person and there was no desire to control the outcome anymore, and just a deep feeling of extending God's grace to him, and to myself.

At the same time, God called to mind during that thought process that He had raised the dead to life for more than one person (Lazarus, for example) who had been in their grave for multiple days. I know that God can heal all things - it is His very nature-- Jehovah Rapha or God who heals. I know that when there are two people who live grace and love God, there is nothing that can keep God from performing His healing work between them because God is love, and God's whole story is about reconciliation. It has been true between my mom and I, and between my daughter and I, and I know that in time, it will also be true - in whatever capacity that God wants - between my friend and I. Until then I rest in my prayers and the love I hold in my heart.

On a final note - how amazing God is! - I had found that image at the top completely randomly by searching through my photos as I do and I picked that one because of the bent trees growing towards one another and that represented the lyrics in the Pink song I quote. I actually thought it was Lake Wabby, but when I googled it, it turns out that lake is actually LAKE MCKENZIE!! How freaking weird is that!!! I had forgotten there even WAS a Lake McKenzie... Twilight zone!! God is at work... Wishing grace and peace to all you pumpkins! Have a great weekend.

Two songs from my heart

God's motive toward us—not only in every moment of our lives but also in death—is love. Love is His very nature, His character, His temperament, His reason for all action. It is out of His love that He creates us and plans our lives. It is by His love that He fulfills each person's purpose and reason for being.
- Zig Ziglar, Confessions of a Grieving Christian

These two songs reflect what is on my heart right now. The first one is an old song by Watermark, one of my all-time favorite bands (Christy Nockels, lead singer). This song, Glory Baby, I heard while running the other day and I almost buckled under the weight of it. I had to turn to a different song. But now I can listen, in the comfort of my home, and cry and let it out and say goodbye. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost babies and those who have lost love before it seemed time. It helps me to personify love as a baby, and to grieve and let go. Just like the lyrics in the song, I can see the baby being held in heaven, taken care of, loved, cherished, until perfection rights all things that should have been but weren't allowed to be on this earth. Goodbye love.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

This next song is recent. It took a while for it to grow on me, but now I absolutely adore it. I think it's actually my favorite song right now. My kids and I saw the artist, LeCrae, along with Jamie Grace at the KSBJ Booming by the Bay concert series in Kemah a couple years ago. I blogged about it! This song really makes me realize how much literally every single good thing in my life is of God and is a gift from God. It's so easy to succumb to this selfish notion that we "deserve" happiness, or love or this that and the other thing. We don't. I see God as, well, undefinable, but in part He is the good in the world. He IS love. He IS the hug from my sweet daughter when she hasn't wanted to hug me for a year. He IS the tastiness of delicious food. He is life itself. He is the smile from a stranger. He is the hope that I carry even when times got the darkest. And so all of these blessings, all of the friends that are here today, or have been in my life, were a gift from God. And yet some experiences and even perhaps some people were not gifts from God, per se, but maybe were tests or lessons. In the end, even those are good things if we can learn from them. As the lyrics go, "I know the Spirit's purging me of everything that's hurting me." 

I had this insight into love on that same run, and that was that when you are loved by someone, it gives you hope and increases your faith. When you are not being truly loved, it tests and challenges your faith and even may cause a faith crisis in your life, a loss of hope, a loss of dreams. If there is a relationship that you are in that is leading you into a dark hole of despair, that is not the right place for you. Love makes you better. Love makes you have more hope. Love - the love that is from God - brings life because it IS life.  But I'll be damned if knowing that when you're in the middle of it isn't the hardest thing ever. Because there's the emotion we call love that is really just, well, emotion. And then there is agape love - the act and behavior of giving selflessly and committing to someone else's good.

With every breath I take, with every heart beat,
Sunrise and the moon lights in the dark street.
Every glance, every dance, every note of a song.
It's all a gift undeserved that I shouldn't have known.

...

If Jesus wasn't executed there's no celebration.
So in times that are good, in times that are bad
For any times that I've had it all I will be glad.
And I will boast in the cross. I'll boast in my pains.

...

Patiently you turned my heart away from selfishness.
I volunteer for your sanctifying surgery.
I know the Spirit's purging me of everything that's hurting me.

suicidal tendencies... how to help

A love letter from God on Christmas Eve
Copyright (c) 2012 Wendee Nicole

This is so sad... Just read a blog post (Today and Forever) by The Bloggess (my favorite blogger, really, since I have never laughed so hard as when I read her Knock Knock Motherfucker aka Giant metal Chicken story), and a friend of theirs committed suicide last week.

I have a soft spot in my heart for those with suicidal tendencies as I have been there - have the scars on my wrist from when I was 15 to remind me of where I came from, & how hard it is for people in the world to understand the demons we face, and what to say/do. All I can say is: TELL THOSE PEOPLE - the ones you worry about - that you love them, that you care, that you want them in your life, that you don't want them to die. It's amazing how powerful that can be just to know that a single person cares, and amazing how many people with seeming hundreds (or dozens) of friends have no one who actually reaches out (and a few who actively tell them the absolute wrong things). Running away, hiding, trying to argue/philosophize them out of it, thinking (or calling) them selfish - all the wrong things. When someone is drowning, you don't fucking argue with them. You yank them out of the water, despite their inexplicable fighting against you in panic-mode. Just help!

The saddest line... "One of the hardest things to accept about this tragedy is that Dan did ask for help. When things got bad he went to the VA but was told that he couldn’t get the specific help that he needed because he didn’t serve during wartime."

God help our country and its healthcare!

I had a wonderful week in Los Angeles for Christmas with my friend Paige, and will post an update about that soon!

whew! busy as a bee

Love... makes the world go round! Copyright (c) 2012 Wendee Holtcamp

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I have a post brewing on motherhood, mothers, and forgiveness - I hope it to be a meaningful, deep, and moving post (at least, I can say, the experience I'll be writing about is all those things) but I haven't had time! I wanted to give a brief update since I haven't posted in a while!

Whew, it has been a busy month. The kids will be out of school in a week. It's finals week coming up. It has been a whirlwind lately - child support issues, teenager issues, and deadlines! I am super excited, though, because I found this really cool program that my son applied to and got accepted into! And we will be leaving in a few weeks!!! It's a camp counselor position in Portland, Oregon! Sam loves the outdoors, but there isn't a lot of outdoor stuff right near where I live. Houston does have a lot of outdoor activities believe it or not, but the really good stuff (coastal fishing, hiking in the national forests, camping, etc) is at least an hour away. So he will go to a week-long overnight camp where he trains to be a counselor, followed by 3 weeks of volunteering at a day camp program in Portland. It's called TrackersPDX and it just seems so awesome (and no one paid me to say that!)! It even got amazing reviews on Yelp. :) I am trying to help Sam boost his leadership skills and they even say they will provide a reference letter for college apps. Sam is a lot more quiet and shy than his outgoing sis, so can easily fly under the radar at school. I'm really hoping this brings him out of his shell some, and that he can meet some cool Oregon kids, and just gain some good experience - and have fun! I will be staying in Portland with him and during the weekends we will visit my dad at ye ol' Crackerbox Palace, go to revisit some of the amaaaaaazing places I saw last year on the Central Oregon coast, and who knows what else. I definitely want to take Sam to visit Reed College (a fantastic school!) and possibly University of Oregon in Eugene (where I grew up from age 2-8!), and we may end up at the wild n crazy Oregon Country Fair on my birthday or the day after. I have always wanted to go and never been in Oregon at the time. My brother will be there, my niece, and some others.

Life is pretty good lately - just busy. I just kicked off my once-annual Advanced Writing Workshop and it is quite a full session! I really love this one because it's longer and more involved and the people who sign up really dig in and get some writing and work done. That means more work for me though! I have another basic writing green (science, nature, environment, and outdoor travel) class starting up June 2nd, and another July 21 too - if you are interested let me know! I have started running again, and sorta semi-randomly getting to the gym. And I have to check myself into Kale Overeaters Anonymous... I am totally obsessed! Every day it's kale chips, green juice, and kale-avocado salad. I am over-the-top obsessed and eat like 3 bunches of kale a day. I know, right?! :D I have tons of recipes I've been wanting to share but I haven't had time. And speaking of time, I have a deadline in just over a week and I have to get on it!

Finally... I have several articles out that I haven't mentioned previously on the blog! Check em out and let me know what you think.

• Nuclear Renaissance in Space Pacific Standard Magazine online (formerly Miller-McCune). As the U.S. prepares to relaunch domestic production of plutonium-238, the space community wishes to assure the public of its safety. Are they right? Published April 6th. It was sort of out of my typical reporting area, but I attended part of the Nuclear and Emerging Technology in Space conference in The Woodlands (near Houston) so there ya go. I broke the news that the US is going to relaunch domestic production of plutonium-238, an isotope used pretty much exclusively for space travel and space "stuff" and it stores are almost depleted. Once the DOE submits the Environmental Impact Statement, I am sure it will get a lot more news coverage.
• Suspect Sweetener: Arsenic Detected in Organic Brown Rice Syrup Brown Rice Syrup. This is a news summary ("Science Selection") covering a scientific article in Environmental Health Perspectives (EHP), May 2012.
• Shark Fin Consumption May Expose People to Neurotoxic BMAA. May 2012 Environmental Health Perspectives. This one is an actual news story (ie including interviews and quotes from various sources) about a scientific research paper in another journal. It relates to research done by the same team of researchers I wrote about for the feature I did on cyanobacteria and brain disease for both Environmental Health Perspectives (The Emerging Science of BMAA) and also in Miller-McCune/Pacific Standard (Did Tap Water Kill Lou Gehrig?).
• Brain Tax: Estimating the Population-Level Impact of Environmental Chemicals on IQ Scores. Another Science Selection news summary for EHP. April 2012.
• Gut Check: Do Interactions between Environmental Chemicals and Intestinal Microbiota Affect Obesity and Diabetes? A Science Selection for EHP, March 2012

And more are coming very soon! I have a feature article in next month's Environmental Health Perspectives on "dual use research" ie science that can be used for good or evil. Interesting stuff! I'm trying to sell a story on the biggest dam removal in U.S. history - the Elwha dams in Olympic National Park. I visited pre-removal a couple years back - pics and blog here. As I've said before, Olympic National Park is my all-time favorite national park. It's amazing! If you liked the scenery in the Twilight movies... that is all from this area. Forks, in fact, is right on the Olympic peninsula. Course, if you remember, I visited Forks and blogged it (winter wonderland)! I am also intrigued by the idea of writing a story about human trafficking. Apparently Houston is a major hub for it, and it is terrible. A song called 27 million opened my eyes to this. Check out the video...

This is what love looks like

Wistful Wendee Copyright (c) 2011 Earl Nottingham (he named this image - and how apropos is wistful... "full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy")

There I was updating my blogroll when I stumbled upon a blog post written a year ago by "Maggie Dammit" that made my heart stop... Now Maggie can write. She has a way of writing that just mesmerizes, cuts deep, transfixes, and rends hearts. I also have to admit I am not a big blog reader. Just don't have time. I may stumble on a share-worthy blog post now and then, but there are few blogs I keep up with regularly - hers included. So when I read this post, I just had to share its message because it cut to my core.

First, the blog link: what my heart looks like. The key thing that reached deep into my own heart was not the post title concept - that her heart looked like an aquamarine-colored stuffed seahorse her daughter clung to as she slept, but rather the story she told, which was exactly a description of how one dear friend touched my life recently.

Maggie's older daughter drew a picture, and then got so mad at herself for being such a crappy artist, she crumpled it all up and threw it in the garbage, declaring herself the Suckiest Artist Ever.

But that wasn't the end of the story. Hours later, when they all crawled into bed, there was the original picture, smoothed out, and next to a sign written by her six-year old sister that said: "I found this in the GRBij. I ♥ it It was a Mastrpese."

There. Are. No. Words.

Maggie then talked to a friend about why this resonated so deeply with her... and came to this conclusion:

"In my life today I am surrounded by people who will pick up my crumpled pieces, smooth them out with intention, and present them back to me with a gentle kiss on the head. I hope you have these people, too. I hope you are these people for your people, and I pray my daughters remain this way."

All I can say, is wow. In my experience, and I talk deeply with a lot of people, most of us walk around with a "piece of shit" feeling inside of us. Even - sometimes more so - Christians (the guilt associated with wanting to be in a more perfect or more holy or more righteous state, combined with the continued daily failures of sin, lust, selfishness, greed - AND the self-awareness of those things - can be doubly guilt-inducing at times). But to meet people, even a single person, who can lift you out of the 'garbage can' you choose to live in - whether you were thrown there by crappy circumstances in your own life, or whether you choose to wallow there because you don't seem to know another way (like Oscar the grouch), or whether you just climb in now and then, as I do... and they not only lift you out, but they make you feel like you are a masterpiece, worthy of bringing out of the garbage can, uncrumpling, smoothing out, and pointing out their worth... these people are one in a million.

I know all about feeling like garbage. After a teenager raped a drunken 15-year old me as I was passed out in the cab of a truck, another teenager drove me home, called me a slut, and dumped me on my front lawn where I could not even walk, before peeling out of the cul de sac and leaving me there, crumpled on the lawn. Like a piece of trash. And that is pretty much what I felt like for the next 15, 20 years.

Sometimes, the people who lift us out of the garbage come in and out of our lives only for a brief time, they appear like angels from heaven... people who make you feel like you are worth something.... and they leave footprints on our hearts forever. I was made to believe that I am, perhaps, not garbage after all. And I want to build the rest of my life surrounding myself with friends who make me feel like not like I am garbage, but that I am a masterpiece worth redeeming.

Romantic or cynic? How about both

My best attempt at looking French! Ha ha! This is from a couple years ago.

"I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times"
- Céline in Before Sunset

So, something made me remember the Before Sunrise and Before Sunset movies (a new one is reportedly being made) and so I watched them recently. Wow what a trip. In the first, two meet on a train and share 24 hours together in Vienna. Mostly the movie is dialogue. They end planning to meet again in 6 months but decide to not exchange phone numbers. Céline is the romantic and Jessie, an American is cynical in love and life, though he certainly falls for her.

Fast forward 9 years, and in the sequel, Before Sunset, he's in Paris on the last stop of his book tour. He'd written a fictional book about a love relationship that is, in fact, based on their experience. Céline shows up at the reading and they proceed to spend the next few hours together before he has to fly home. It turns out she never showed up 9 years before because her grandmother died. But he did. In this movie, she has become the cynic and he has taken from his brief encounter with her a more optimistic life view, though he also has been "stuck" in an unhappy marriage. The scene very close to the end in the taxicab is the most intense, where they both get honest about their lives and the disappointments that came from the missed connection from 9 years before, and how it affected their lives.

The dialogue from Céline resonated so closely to my own life, and my feelings. She is an environmental activist working for the Green Cross, and the way she talks she uses this playfully sarcastic tone where she tells the truth but in a slightly joking self-deprecating way, that can't totally be captured in the dialogue here but it's VERY MUCH the way I talk, myself. (In fact my daughter recently told me she sometimes can't tell when I am joking and when I am not - I use a lot of deadpan humor...)

Here's a link to the scene on Youtube the cab dialogue starts at 0:50 seconds in. This is just her part of the cab dialogue. [His part is equally interesting but since I'm relating it to me, that's not important here...]

Céline: "For me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I was suffering so much all the time. I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life. It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is."

Jesse: "Is that why you're in a relationship with somebody who's never around?"

Céline: "Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship. Yeah, we have, you know, this exciting time together and then he leaves and I miss him, but at least I'm not dying inside. When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!"

Jesse: "No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved..."

Céline: "Yeah, but when I do, it quickly makes me nauseous! It's a disaster... I mean, I'm really happy only when I'm on my own. Even being alone, it's better than sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It's not so easy for me to be a romantic. You start off that way, and after you've been screwed over a few times you, you forget about all your delusional ideas, and you just take what comes into your life. That's not even true, I haven't been screwed over, I've just had too many blah relationship. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but they were no real connection, or excitement."

And so watching the movies made me think back to the time, some 6 years back, when I started this blog. And I decided to write my love life (much of which has only been very subtly written about here) in a 5-act play - somewhat tongue-in-cheek!

Act 1: Marry handsome, intelligent man. Become someone you aren't in order to try to be/appear the perfect wife and mother, all the while failing miserably at making either party happy. Divorce (after 13 years).

Act 2: See light at the end of the tunnel. Project all hopes and dreams of love and happy-ever-after onto poor unsuspecting guy (who lives 2 hours away). Light is actually a runaway train that smashes headlong, very shortly after the light is first seen. Fall into deep depression.

Act 3: First online dating experience turns into worst nightmare. Military guy (who lives in WA but was in Iraq) convinces me I'm everything-he-wants-in-a-woman (flattering, ego-boosting, romantic-love-idealizing). Go on cross-country adventure. Think I fall in love. Meet a few more times... Intuit something is wrong, break up but really hoping it will work out in the end. He bolts (not what I expect). Months later, I learn he had several other "loves of his life" around the U.S. Complete shock and disillusionment. The beginning of the death of romanticism. The beginning of my blog.

Act 4: Three years of singledom pass. Meet passionate, intriguing, spiritual Aussie on boat while wrangling sharks. Halfway across the planet. (Anyone see a pattern?) His attention is flattering, and dreams of our potential shared adventures exciting. Date four months before realizing Aussies like to drink. A lot. A lot a lot.

Act 5: Meet guy in my city!!! Such a huge accomplishment I date him for 2.5 years. Break up 9,999 times. Get engaged. Break it off. Knew he wasn't right about 6 mo in. Why did I stay? You tell me. Finally end it for realsies....Lonely for the first time in a while.

Act 6: Perhaps: Meet knight in shining armor who will carry me off into the sunset!? One can dream.

It got me thinking, though, how (if at all) have I grown since that time in 2005 when my naive still-romantic-believe-in-love side started to die, or, perhaps, grow more realistic. I am in many ways a lot more cynical about love... but I have not yet given up on the idea completely. So here's what's changed in good ways (just off the top of my head):

1. I am far, far, far more aware of how I idealize love, and how I need to be more realistic, while not sabotaging my chances at actual happiness. Balance is key.
   
   
2. I am far, far, far more aware of the fact that trust should be not granted automatically, but needs to be built slowly.
   
   
3. Generally speaking I am much happier and very content with the life I have lived the past several years. I've created an awesome, fun, adventurous career and life and nurtured several intimate friendships with women who I adore and respect. I am supporting myself, living my dream - really an amazing blessing!
   
   
4. I feel like I am hearing from God again (no, I'm not crazy!) but feeling the gentle whispers in my heart guiding me to make right choices and to be gentle with myself when I make mistakes. And ...
   
   
5. I actually have a lot more self-love than before. I don't mentally beat myself up when I make mistakes. I don't dwell on it and I forgive myself (as I know the Lord forgives me!)

So there ya go. A nice round of introspection as we turn the corner on Thanksgiving 2011. If I don't get a chance to blog tomorrow (today), may you all have a truly blessed Thanksgiving! As for me, I am staying home, my myself, researching an article. Lame but true. I'm skipping the holiday this year!

life moves on

This is at Eisenhower State Park. It was so cool!
Copyright (c) 2010 Wendee Holtcamp

Do you ever have those times in your life when you have so much to say, and so much overwhelming stuff going on that you don't know *what* to say? Now is one of those times for me. So that's why, I suppose, I haven't blogged that much. I feel strong and confident about my future and am resting in the Lord's grace and love (trying to feel His love is a challenge for me so I'm working on that).

Christmas was, well, Christmas. I did get to go to Chuck Swindoll's Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco, Texas on Christmas Eve! It was cool to see the man with his voice in person. The service was only 30 minutes long and all he and another guy on the stage did was to read the Christmas story interspersed with Christmas songs. It was not all that spectacular to me. I wanted to go to his service on the following Sunday, but that was not a great day... nuf said.

And then I went up to North Texas for a travel piece I'm doing on Lake Texoma. It was cold but fun! I stayed the first night at the Rancho Sereno Bed & Breakfast, which is run by a couple who raise reining horses. The Red River Valley area of Texas is like the world's headquarter's for raising and training horses for competitive events like reining, because of the sandy loam soil. I am not a big horse person myself, but it was really interesting, and a beautiful place to stay. The next two nights I got a tower room at Tanglewood Resort, a place that has been around since the 1940s! The tower is a 7-story "tower" and each room is its own suite with a 360-degree view. At the top is a lounge where people can hang out with a great view of the lake. I think the best part was the awesome massage I got while there at the Tranquility Spa! The owner, Johanna, creates all the products herself and I got a couple of the bath salts and they smell AMAZING and the prices very reasonable. She apparently has a new line of organic baby care products coming out too. Not that I need that!

While staying in North Texas, I went birdwatching at Hagerman National Wildlife Refuge (we saw quite a bit!), and went out on Lake Texoma in frigid weather with awesome fishing guide Chris with Striper Express - he knew exactly where the fish were! See the pic below with a ginormous striped bass and yours truly. OK I didn't catch it, but still... Then we ate some yummy food at De Happy Cajun Restaurant. I also stopped in at Eisenhower State Park - which is absolutely gorgeous. I didn't expect that. The lake - which is on the border between Texas and Oklahoma and is a reservoir of the Red River - has these rugged cliff faces and rocky ledges you can climb around on at the state park and I explored around and sat watching the water in this one beautiful spot. The area has a lot of history too.

And now I'm back home and trying to have an incredibly productive January! While doing the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse, I "won" a 12-week goal setting course through Amy Ahler's Wake Up Call Coaching so I'm on week 1 now. I've set some goals for my new year in all areas of my life! I'll share some of those soon.

Our first exercise was to address where we are thriving and where we are merely "surviving" - and I was happy to say that in most of the areas of my life I am thriving! I am very grateful for that. My main goals have to do with breaking through the glass ceiling in the writing world (there are some prominent magazines I plan to start pitching and would like to break into), and in the financial realm as well. I also want to make sure to spend more time with my amazing children and to cherish these next 2 and 3 years they are home with me before going off to college (sad face). I am soooo proud of them! Both of them are in the top 1% of their classes! My daughter got chosen as team captain by her coach because she saw that Savi exhibited leadership skills - even though this is only her first year on the team. I saw her first home game tonight and it was freeezing cold but it was so cute seeing her out there playing and telling other players where to go on the field. :) And they won 4 to 1!!

This is the house that President Eisenhower grew up in. Notice the "white picket fence" - I wonder if it was actually white when he lived here?
This is one of two cabins at Rancho Sereno.
One of the horsies at Rancho Sereno.
Inside the rooms at Rancho Sereno. The photograph on the wall is of horses from the ranch.
This is a relatively dull shot of the scenery at Hagerman NWR. It was grey day, so nothing is vibrant but the birds were out in droves.
A shot of the cliff and the lake at Eisenhower SP
Another shot of the shoreline at Eisenhower SP
A pretty ginormous striped bass on Lake Texoma!

Bering Sea Day 19: Independence Day

Wildflowers in central Texas. Copyright (c) Wendee Holtcamp

Today is America's Independence Day, and I love my country, and this was my favorite holiday when I was a kid. I always spent it with my dad, and sometimes we'd watch the fireworks over the Columbia River on the border of Washington and Oregon. It was exciting because it was close to my birthday. But I was thinking today that my real Independence Day came the day I accepted God's free gift of grace and the love of Jesus, the day my sins were forgiven for all time. I wrote this a few months ago and just thought I'd share:

Atheists (and I used to be one of them) upset by the injustice caused in the name of religion come to the wrong conclusion (that God doesn't exist). God is love. Does love exist? God is that which is pure, unadulterated joy. God is truth. God is holy. Do you see pure beauty in life, rare as it may be? That's God at work.

[W]hatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

In all religions, we humans have a tendency to not act like God. We have a tendency to not tell the truth, to steal someone else's joy and not feel it ourselves, to act ugly, to not be pure. That's just the plain facts. In Christianity, we believe that the God of love came here to Earth to teach us and ultimately reconcile our crappy nature with his holy self. He forgave all our crappiness. Love covered it. He smothers us in his love! Like a dumptruck. We're free, we're a dead man walking that got parole, who got off free and clear with the exchange of our soul - but we're giving our soul to a life of love, of our best effort at love. There's a bonus. The real Holy Spirit of God will enter in, we can access its power to live this life!

This song says it all and makes me cry every time I hear it... this is Pocket Full of Rocks singing Come as You Are.

"Come as You Are."

He's not mad at you
He's not disappointed
His grace is greater still,
than all of your wrong choices
He is full of mercy and he is ever kind
Hear his invitation, His arms are open wide

You can come as you are,
with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart,
bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

Louder than the voice that whispers you're unworthy
Hear the sound of love,
that tells a different story
Shattering your darkness and pushing through the lies
How tenderly he calls you,
His arms are open wide

You can come as you are,
with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart,
bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

You can come as you are

You can come as you are with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart,
bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

hurricane anniversary, love, and disrespect

Sunrise at Richland Creek Wildlife Management Area, Texas
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

Sometimes a majority simply means that all the fools are on the same side.
--Claude McDonald

Not sure what I'm going to talk about but it's been 10 days so I owe you faithful readers something right? This one is for Melanie! :)

One year ago today (ie Sep 13th, though technically being after midnight it's now Sep 14, but we'll pretend it's still the 13th) - Hurricane Ike hit (see my Sep 2008 blogs for pics!)! It wasn't a scary storm where I sat in my nice brick house. But in my neighborhood and all around Houston it wreaked havoc! Particularly where I live there are lots of trees (though they're disappearing daily for subdivisions) and many of the isolated ones fell on people's roofs! I was very lucky that I had no damage other than a single fence thingie (what are they called?!).

We had no electricity for someting like 11 days!! Again I was very lucky and blessed because my friend across the street (a majot street) had it from day 1! I don't know why she was so lucky, but the vast majority of Houstonians did not have any for days and weeks. I think she was on the grid with a hospital. Anyway, so I've lived iwthout electricty in my childhood so it was no big deal! And I had an absolute blast hanging out with friends and having a much more laid back lifestyle for a few days. It was a hurrication!

My son's birthday happened just after the hurricane, so he didn't even get a party... this year something happened again! Well his birthday hasn't happened YET but we had planned to go camping and tubing this past weekend but had to reschedule due to rain. Some may like it but camping in the rain is NO FUN for me, in a tent... yuk. Been there done that, no thanks. Plus tubing is also not so fun in the rain! So let's hope and pray that in a couple weekends from now, it will be sunny and warm!!

I was really irritated at SC Rep Joe Wilson screaming "you lie" at President Obama in the middle of his speech. What complete disrespect! I could go on, but I won't. And I was also very frustrated that people were so up in arms about Obama talking to schoolkids. The hypocrisy with which the very same people oppose the same actions they didn't think twice about with "W" astounds me. It's extremely frustrating that a man who ran without any insults and mud-slinging at McCain or Clinton (he attacked their policies but was not disrespectful or dishonest) - and he often says he wants people to know they can disagree without being disagreeable - gets the exact opposite treatment by certain people! You can disagree with his policies without being disrespectful...

Other than that, I'll share a few bits of wisdom that have come my way the last week or so. I get this daily wisdom email thingie and today's was, in part:

"He believed that the love of his life, if he ever found the Right One, would fill all the gaps of his own personality. She dreamed that her perfect match would always respond gently, never willfully. After the honeymoon phase they naturally began to find imperfections and disappointments. Both wondered if they had chosen the Wrong One. But in a sense, there is no Right One for anyone. In another sense, there may be millions of Right Ones."

Which is interesting because D&I just started this class on communicating in relationship based on Harville Hendrix's amazing book Getting the Love You Want. It's technically for married couples, and I had done a workshop on it with my ex, and honestly it was one of the few things that truly had a big positive impact on our learning to communicate better so since I do not ever ever ever want to get divorced again, so I want to make darn sure that I can resolve deep and painful and complex issues satisfactorily and peacefully... so I am excited about the class!!!

And what we learned tonight (of course it's not new to me) was basically the same thing as I got in the email above. I believe that to truly love someone is not a feeling we have in ourselves, but an action we show to others. And in showing love to another person, we reflect the selfless love that Jesus taught and we became his hands and feet in the world to one another.

wedding day!

The very happy bride and groom - Bev and my dad - after the ceremony! The maid of honor and best man, long-time friends of both my dad and Bev's Jim & Cathy, behind some flowers in the reception hall.
Jim, Cathy, my dad and Bev walking toward the chapel at St. Stephen's Episcopal Church in Longview, Washington.
Cutting the amazingly delicious flourless chocolate cake!
Bev, Dad and me.
Another shot of us.

Help! I caught the bride's bouquet! No, really what I did was threw the bouquet in the air and caught it myself. Truly I was the only single person at the wedding I think!
Being a bit wild n crazy with the flowers :)

the dark side

The sun coming through the clouds in eastern Nepal

Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times, a little hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

I found that quote in a comment in response to Ms. Single Mama's blog post, My dark side, which I soooo related to! She has been a single mom of a young boy for a while now, and blogs about dating and parenting but just recently has fallen in love. She writes about the push-pull of pushing someone away because it's so much easier to be single, and the things you say that you really don't mean, and the fear, and all that is involved in risking one's heart again.

nothing gold can stay

Nothing gold can stay.

Nature's first green is gold

Her hardest hue to hold

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

- Robert Frost

life and love

A fur seal pup in the Galapagos Islands. The mom leaves the pup alone while she feeds at sea, and comes back to shore and must to find the pup by its cries and scent. Sometimes I feel like the helpless alone pup like this - am I the only one?!
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

I have to admit, as I mentioned in a recent blog post, that I had been feeling pretty down lately - really a lot worse last week. It has been a lot of up and down over the past few months. This really is not all that new. We all have ups and downs, right, at least that's pretty standard for me. But I started feeling a real sadness in my soul and I couldn't quite identify where it came from. I also realize it's been a while since I have been very raw and honest on this blog, which is sort of my trademark. I decided when I started it that I would be open and honest about my feelings and about life. As I like to say, I want a life of radical honesty and transparency.

It becomes challenging to do so, though, when other people are involved. I can't write about my present feelings and emotions without mentioning the people who are intertwined in my life and who affect my moods. I don't want to do that to people who may not want to be talked about. I try not to talk about my children too much, to protect their privacy, and the same goes for those closest to me. I may tell stories about things that happen to me, but it's not obvious in any way who that story happened with. I do that on purpose. But when you're dating someone, as I am, it's kind of obvious who you're talking about! Right? After my break-up with the man from Australia I dated, I decided that although I may put photos and the like up, I wouldn't really talk extensively the personal nature of my relationship.

However it feels like it's time to say a little something. I am realizing that my downs have mostly been related to confusion and communication issues in this relationship. There's no doubt that they can have a real toll on the heart and soul and mood. I am someone who didn't really date much before I met my ex-husband, who I met at age 20 (and oh don't we think we are so old and worldy wise at 20?). My ex and I had a whirlwind romance, and were engaged after 6 months. We got married two years later but we lived together for nearly all those two years. And we were married for 10 years. The intensity of that closeness happening all so quickly had long-lasting effects on our relationship - not good ones. We didn't have a chance to learn one another's idiosyncracies slowly. Today, we are great friends and I'm so grateful for that. But we also shared a lot of communication breakdowns from the start.

During the marriage, we went to counseling and read books and I learned so much about communicating tools and techniques, and about the differences between men and women, and about prayer and about growing in spiritual maturity and understanding of my faith. And I learned, post-divorce, that a lot of what I may have once "blamed" on him turns out to have been a lot me all along. True there are always two people involved in every relationship. But it's also a good and illuminating thing to truly shine the light on oneself. However, it can also be very painful. And it is a lot easier to understand with one's mind than to implement them when it counts - in the heat of the moment.

Since my divorce I've really only dated a couple of people. And the relationships didn't last long, and the two more 'serious' ones were both long distance. So here I am, 5 years after my divorce with someone who lives here near me, and feeling like a teenager who doesn't really know how to date. And similarly to my relationship with my ex, D & I have gotten very close very quickly. I love that man, he is such a good soul. He is warm and loving and kind and gentle and sexy and sweet. And we sometimes frustrate the hell out of one another. And when that happens, it makes me want to run for the hills. But I really don't want to. The more I know him, the more I love him. I see so much beauty in his character.

In the deepest part of me, I want to stay put, and learn to implement all the tools and techniques - including praying and seeking God's will - in real time. Oh God it can be challenging! I'm so blessed by his patience with me. Because I tell ya, sometimes I feel like a big huge loser with all of this. Shouldn't I be more mature by now? Shouldn't I be more secure? Shouldn't I be able to make myself happy and not allow someone else to affect the state of my emotions? Would that it were so simple. I can do that, I can make myself happy when I'm sad, but it feels like the only way involves moving on and clearing the plate of a relationship, and that isn't something I want to do. So my mind goes into self-torture mode... Sometimes I think I want that, but in the deepest part of me, I don't. I don't. I don't!!!

And day by day I'm learning that through his loyalty, and through my own. I'm learning about myself, and about what I believe true love to be - selfless giving to another person and seeking their own best, and loving them despite flaws, and forgiving. And through that, we bring joy and acceptance and peace into one another's lives and souls. D&I do that for each other, at least I can speak for myself anyway, and despite some turbulence at times, it truly is beautiful and lovely. I don't know the future. I don't even know tomorrow. I am only just learning to understand the geography of my own heart.

Here are a few photos from the past few weeks.

Hugs rule. Doesn't my face look kinda like the lost little seal pup? LOL.
Being dorks!
Grilling chicken at my house the other week. I call this is my "I don't need a man grill." :) I put it together from like a zillion pieces out of the box, with no help!

Doug made me dinner! It's usually me who makes him dinner so this was an awesome surprise - what a sweetheart. Then we watched HEROES Season 1 episodes.

Kisses rule too!

It was a beautiful day the other day and we went to his apartment's pool for the first time this year. This photo cracks me up! (And after the sun, came the rain... it totally flooded last night!)

I love this photo. A bit out of focus but cute.