whew! busy as a bee

Love... makes the world go round! Copyright (c) 2012 Wendee Holtcamp

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I have a post brewing on motherhood, mothers, and forgiveness - I hope it to be a meaningful, deep, and moving post (at least, I can say, the experience I'll be writing about is all those things) but I haven't had time! I wanted to give a brief update since I haven't posted in a while!

Whew, it has been a busy month. The kids will be out of school in a week. It's finals week coming up. It has been a whirlwind lately - child support issues, teenager issues, and deadlines! I am super excited, though, because I found this really cool program that my son applied to and got accepted into! And we will be leaving in a few weeks!!! It's a camp counselor position in Portland, Oregon! Sam loves the outdoors, but there isn't a lot of outdoor stuff right near where I live. Houston does have a lot of outdoor activities believe it or not, but the really good stuff (coastal fishing, hiking in the national forests, camping, etc) is at least an hour away. So he will go to a week-long overnight camp where he trains to be a counselor, followed by 3 weeks of volunteering at a day camp program in Portland. It's called TrackersPDX and it just seems so awesome (and no one paid me to say that!)! It even got amazing reviews on Yelp. :) I am trying to help Sam boost his leadership skills and they even say they will provide a reference letter for college apps. Sam is a lot more quiet and shy than his outgoing sis, so can easily fly under the radar at school. I'm really hoping this brings him out of his shell some, and that he can meet some cool Oregon kids, and just gain some good experience - and have fun! I will be staying in Portland with him and during the weekends we will visit my dad at ye ol' Crackerbox Palace, go to revisit some of the amaaaaaazing places I saw last year on the Central Oregon coast, and who knows what else. I definitely want to take Sam to visit Reed College (a fantastic school!) and possibly University of Oregon in Eugene (where I grew up from age 2-8!), and we may end up at the wild n crazy Oregon Country Fair on my birthday or the day after. I have always wanted to go and never been in Oregon at the time. My brother will be there, my niece, and some others.

Life is pretty good lately - just busy. I just kicked off my once-annual Advanced Writing Workshop and it is quite a full session! I really love this one because it's longer and more involved and the people who sign up really dig in and get some writing and work done. That means more work for me though! I have another basic writing green (science, nature, environment, and outdoor travel) class starting up June 2nd, and another July 21 too - if you are interested let me know! I have started running again, and sorta semi-randomly getting to the gym. And I have to check myself into Kale Overeaters Anonymous... I am totally obsessed! Every day it's kale chips, green juice, and kale-avocado salad. I am over-the-top obsessed and eat like 3 bunches of kale a day. I know, right?! :D I have tons of recipes I've been wanting to share but I haven't had time. And speaking of time, I have a deadline in just over a week and I have to get on it!

Finally... I have several articles out that I haven't mentioned previously on the blog! Check em out and let me know what you think.

• Nuclear Renaissance in Space Pacific Standard Magazine online (formerly Miller-McCune). As the U.S. prepares to relaunch domestic production of plutonium-238, the space community wishes to assure the public of its safety. Are they right? Published April 6th. It was sort of out of my typical reporting area, but I attended part of the Nuclear and Emerging Technology in Space conference in The Woodlands (near Houston) so there ya go. I broke the news that the US is going to relaunch domestic production of plutonium-238, an isotope used pretty much exclusively for space travel and space "stuff" and it stores are almost depleted. Once the DOE submits the Environmental Impact Statement, I am sure it will get a lot more news coverage.
• Suspect Sweetener: Arsenic Detected in Organic Brown Rice Syrup Brown Rice Syrup. This is a news summary ("Science Selection") covering a scientific article in Environmental Health Perspectives (EHP), May 2012.
• Shark Fin Consumption May Expose People to Neurotoxic BMAA. May 2012 Environmental Health Perspectives. This one is an actual news story (ie including interviews and quotes from various sources) about a scientific research paper in another journal. It relates to research done by the same team of researchers I wrote about for the feature I did on cyanobacteria and brain disease for both Environmental Health Perspectives (The Emerging Science of BMAA) and also in Miller-McCune/Pacific Standard (Did Tap Water Kill Lou Gehrig?).
• Brain Tax: Estimating the Population-Level Impact of Environmental Chemicals on IQ Scores. Another Science Selection news summary for EHP. April 2012.
• Gut Check: Do Interactions between Environmental Chemicals and Intestinal Microbiota Affect Obesity and Diabetes? A Science Selection for EHP, March 2012

And more are coming very soon! I have a feature article in next month's Environmental Health Perspectives on "dual use research" ie science that can be used for good or evil. Interesting stuff! I'm trying to sell a story on the biggest dam removal in U.S. history - the Elwha dams in Olympic National Park. I visited pre-removal a couple years back - pics and blog here. As I've said before, Olympic National Park is my all-time favorite national park. It's amazing! If you liked the scenery in the Twilight movies... that is all from this area. Forks, in fact, is right on the Olympic peninsula. Course, if you remember, I visited Forks and blogged it (winter wonderland)! I am also intrigued by the idea of writing a story about human trafficking. Apparently Houston is a major hub for it, and it is terrible. A song called 27 million opened my eyes to this. Check out the video...

Simple Pleasures!

Trekking in Eastern Nepal. Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step."
- Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.

It's been pretty darn busy around here since I returned from the Gulf of Mexico trip (remember, my nickname is Whirlwendee, after all)! First I had to write a feature, then I had to edit it some, then I had to work on another piece - which I have finished a draft of and am now letting it "gel." I like to have a week, or at least a few days, after writing my initial draft where I can set it aside, and not think about it. Then I come back to it, tweak it, and it always ends up the better for it. Sometimes I do not have that luxury, when I'm working right up to my deadline. So after stressing a bit over an approaching deadline, I was very happy that I finished a draft early so I can have the time to let it sit, and come back to it in a couple days. And meanwhile, I can catch up on my email that is ever-accumulating. I feel much more on top of things when I'm caught up on my email - don't you? I like to keep my inbox under 100. That means I sort and file a lot of emails, but still.

After almost 2 years, my boyfriend and I broke up. So... it's been a bit rough. We have gone back and forth, back and forth, gotten close, grown apart, spent time traveling (both for our respective work) and in the end, it just isn't working for either of us. Even though this is a cliche, it was sort of like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Really, we can't change our man. We can love someone, but after enough time you start to see that who they are, or how they behave towards you, can't be explained or justified by... unemployment, stress, etc etc. It's good to be able to see people we love at their "worst" because to make a long-term relationship move to a deeper level, we're eventually going to see that anyway. But when it's not pretty, and it drags you down too, that can't be a good sign of hope for a beautiful future.

I started reading The Artist's Way again, and this morning was sitting outside in my backyard and read about how we creatives are often attracted to "crazymakers" - sometimes relationship partners, sometimes friends, sometimes parents. I'm just sayin... sometimes we allow a relationship to steal away our creativity because we pour time, love, effort into that relationship instead of into nourishing our own spirit, soul, creativity. I love deeply and don't give up easily. I tried so hard. We even tried to break up before, but never could make it stick. I miss him. But I can't go back. Even though he's now doing things that are so wonderful for his life, making new friends, training for new jobs that contribute positively to the world. Not now. I wish him well, and will continue to be his friend.

So, I have made a commitment to nourish my creativity and to devote the next few years to making sure I have good relationships with my kids as they move into young adulthood. I only have 3 and 4 years left with the two of them, and it will fly by! I am going to look for workshops and such for things like parent-child communication, listening skills, and that kind of thing. So imagine my surprise and delight when just this very day I came across two very cool things that I am going to participate in online, and they're totally FREE! Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way talks about how when we step out in faith, serendipity intervenes and God puts these things in our path.

• The first thing is a 40-Day "Inner Mean Girl 40-Day Cleanse" - to get rid of the inner critic voice inside that drags us down. It's taught by 6 different relationship/life coaches, all online and all free! It begins on Wednesday, so sign up now if you're interested. There's also a free MP3 audio of the Mean Girl School Open House you can download here. I just did but haven't yet listened to it. The website says, "How to transform the critical voice in your head so you can stop being so hard on yourself, enjoy your life & feel truly successful!" I'll report back!
  
  
• The second is a teleclass "Get Close. Get Real" by Sharon Day - about connecting more deeply with your daughter. It's on Sep 7 at noon central time, and it's free. I think that she may be offering a longer teleworkshop after that which is not free, but I'm just doing the free one for now!

The cool thing is how this so closely ties into what I'm reading about in The Artist's Way. Ch. 1 actually talks about "blurts" which are things that our inner critic says when something positive happens. The goal is to replace them with positive affirmations.

On another note, finances have been really tough lately (over the past couple years, like many people) and another thing that was really stressing me was feeling like I was trapped in my home and would not be able to sell it if I needed to. I have a great little house and have kept it up well - other than the carpet which definitely needs some work due to my bulimic cat - but I had started and not finished some projects and knew I needed them done before I could even think about selling. I had always wanted Doug to come help me work on them, but since that's not going to happen now, I empowered myself by deciding that myself and the kids would do the work together. Basically I have to paint a wall, a bathroom, and a ceiling because I started to strip off wallpaper border I didn't like after I first moved in 5 years ago and quickly realized...this was not working. The border was stuck steadfast to the wall and my attempts to use DIF (the blue wallpaper glue loosener) only succeeded in turning my wall and ceiling blue. So...it had stayed that way for years! Sam spent last week taping up my wall, and then we got the rest of the border off, sanded down a couple parts of the wall, spackled in the holes, and am all ready to prime and paint. Yay us! Baby steps...

Today is a good day. I feel happy about my article, and about the two free online finds, and am about to go to Panera Bread and work catching up on emails. I finished a 12-day Master Cleanse and am truly enjoying the simple pleasures of drinking coffee, nibbling on ginger chocolate, eating homemade vegetable soup. I enjoy conversations with my friends, new and old, and am feeling spacious and open to what the universe holds for me in the next few years.

making faces

Painting fabric with Huito, which is similar to henna, in the Yine Indian village of Diamante, Peru along the Rio Madre de Dios.
Copyright (c) 2006 Wendee Holtcamp

Sometimes it's hard for me to stay in one place
- Susanna in Girl, Interrupted

When I was tucking Savannah into bed tonight we were talking about things and she told me how one of her good friends was griping about her older brother's behavior and when she was listening to this, she heard some of her own traits. It's funny because I've had a very similar experience lately. It's like God likes to smack us awake sometimes by allowing us to see ourselves through other people. Lately I keep running across people with my own traits - good and bad and ones that just need to have the volume turned down on. I try to see everyone through the lens of compassion and I like everyone, even people who are sometimes rude etc because hey I make the same mistakes. I thought she was pretty self-aware to be able to recognize that about herself.

So Savie and I then got on this conversation of how when she's mad at me, she makes this awful mean looking face and when she does it, it always makes me mad. She only does "the face" when I'm disciplining her. I said, what is going through your head when you make that face? Are you trying to cast a spell to blow me up? (she loves Harry Potter and has read every book like 10 times!) and she laughed and said, no, that's what I do to keep my mouth shut and not say all the things I want to because I have the problem of word vomit (she didn't use those words but said something that means the same thing - that phrase is from the movie Mean Girls). I was like, "Ooh That is what I need to do!! I have that same problem!" She said, so is that what you're going to do when you're getting mad at me? We can just make faces at one another? (ie disciplining her is always getting mad at her, according to her...). So we started making faces at one another. :) But seriously I was thinking, hmm, maybe instead of sending out an anger bomb to the universe (or someone in it) I need to make a face that no one can see.

I actually have been thinking about the film Girl, Interrupted for some time now because I remembered this dialogue about ambivalence since I saw it the first time it came out, years ago and since I've been thinking so much about how ambivalence rules my life, I decided I wanted to see the movie again. I am watching it now, while catching up on email which had collected dust during the hurricane. Here's that dialogue...

Susanna: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna: I don't care.
Dr. Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.

This was also in an email newsletter I get, quoted from the book God Grant Me...:

Listening is one of the gifts we give to each other. Listening is also one of the gifts we give to ourselves. As we listen to others and learn from them, we stop thinking we are the center of the universe. Listening to others - to truly hear what they say, to learn from them - helps keep our egos in check. We should frequently ask ourselves, "Am I practicing the skills of active listening?"

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, today I pray that I may open myself up to hearing Your voice in the words of others. Allow me to see the people around me as teachers. Help me stay open to being taught.

the adventures of Muffy and Hellion

Red-and-green macaws feeding on a natural clay lick near Blanquillo, Peru on the Rio de Madre de Dios. Known as geophagy or "earth eating" macaws feed on clays to counteract poisons from the seeds in fruit they eat. We sat there across the river for hours watching them. They're very shy, and will come down from the trees only very slowly after "scouts" check it out to make sure it's safe. Several different species eat the clay, and smaller ones come down first and only later do the larger macaws come.
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

I was just making banana-blueberry muffins while Savie ate lunch, and she says to me, "Can I come up with a nickname for you"?

I replied, "Well that depends on what the nickname is. It has to be something nice."

"What about Muffy?"

"MUFFY?! MUFFY?!!!! You are NOT calling me Muffy."

She meanwhile is snickering. "What's wrong with Muffy?"

"That is like the most obnoxious bowhead twit girl name I could think of" (My apologies in advance to anyone named Muffy out there! It's just the association I have with the name).

"What was the name of that dog you hated?" she asks.

"Buffy."

"Ah that's right."

"Tell you what, you can write a book with a character loosely based on me and you can call her Muffy. And I will write a book with a character loosely based on you, and I will call her Hellion."

"Hellion? What does THAT mean? You're calling me a HELL-lion?"

"You don't know what hellion means?!"

She runs in my office and looks it up on the computer. Then I hear this loud voice emanating from the other room. "UGH! I am NOT a Hellion!!! MOMMMMM!!!"

Later, I said, "Maybe we have those titles reversed. Maybe YOU are the Muffy and I am the hellion?"

Oh, I guess I should already say that my ex has a nickname for me: Doonbury. Don't ask how he came up with that one, I don't know... He didn't want to call me "Mommy" to the kids when we first split, and it didn't make sense for him to call me by my first name to them, so he started calling me Doonbury. Or Doon-berry? Dune-berry? ;)

---

Yesterday was a good day. In the afternoon, I went to Fiesta Azteca with some girlfriends for a few ritas (they have $2 margaritas from 2-7pm on Wednesdays and they're strong!) We told stories and laughed, and then decided to head back to Dawna's hot tub. I love love love hot tubs so this was great. We stayed at Dawna's for a couple hours, and then I headed home.

parenting and such

Being that I'm sick and feeling like crapola I've been renting some movies and chilling on the couch with my fluffy red blanket and chocolate ice cream. I picked out this movie Suburban Girl based solely on the fact that it's based on two of the short stories from the book, The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing, by Melissa Bank who I happened to hear talk on a panel at last year's ASJA (American Society of Journalists and Authors) conference. The cover looks a little cheesy, but I was actually really impressed and surprised by the movie. It was smart and witty and surprising and quirky. It stars Alec Baldwin and Sarah Michelle Gellar and to be honest I've never seen her act but she was quite good in it. The guy at the video store told me his brother told him it was good, whatever that was worth. He seemed to think that odd, since it's sort of seems like a chick flick but it makes sense because it is, and it isn't at the same time. I think that the movie must reflect the quality of Banks' book, which to be honest I haven't read but it's on my list. I just liked her personality at the panel. She was funny and strong, sort of a tomboy but also NYC-ish. Anyway watching the movie moved the book up on my list of books I want to read.

I also just watched Dan in Real Life with the kids and when his 3 girls are all mad at him, well that's like how I feel sometimes! Sam was interrupting me when I was on the phone earlier and so I had to cut my phone call short and discipline him, basically tell him he could not go back outside. He so wanted to play with his friends, which I understand because I've been gone and all his friends are outside playing. But I was like, look you know the rules, you do not interrupt me on the phone. And especially when he does it repeatedly! I told him to wait 5 minutes, and he just couldn't do it. So, then he stands forlorn like at the front door staring out the window at his friends playing for like 20 minutes!!! And I'm like "SAM, stop standing there looking all forlorn." And then he starts asking me if he can go outside, though he knows he can't. And I'm like "NO! You can't! I said no and that's that." But so then he's all, "there's nothing to do." So I asked him to come watch the movie with me and though he complained and thought it was boring (at first) he did. Then he starts telling me the way the dad gets made fun of and feels left out, that's how he feels. But he's down all because I won't let him go outside and play with his friends, and he can't get his way. I said no, that is how I feel - all the kids are "mad" at the single parent! Steve Carrell was great in this movie. He did a really good job.

It's kinda funny because one day Savie will say how she gets along with her parents unlike most of her other friends, and I felt pretty good about that when she said that the other day. Then another day she'll say how I don't "get her" (um, well she said this tonight) and how different we are. I told her really we are soooo much alike that she just doesn't get that yet. She thinks daddy gets her and he just listens and gets her weirdness. I said well, you have to talk to me more. She said well you don't like the books I like or like to talk about the things I want to talk about. So I said well tell me about the books you're reading. So then we wrastled a little and she acted goofy and I said that Daisy the stuffed bear loved me more than her (an ongoing joke) and then I hugged her goodnight. Though she's probably still up reading! But anyway, teenagers and kids can be confusing! I just hope I don't mess them up for life.