All Conferenced Out!

Sparkling ocean in Florida. Copyright (c) 2006 Wendee Nicole Holtcamp

So there I was at the Charlotte airport on a two-hour layover headed home (2 days early than planned due to the Frankenstorm headed to the Northeast), and I posted this status on Facebook:

2 hour layover in Charlotte :/ And no free wifi.

And then, right when I post, I hear Debbie Fords voice in my head, "Are you looking for what's right or are you looking for what's wrong?" -- which is one of her "10 questions" to ask when making decisions, or pretty much always in life. And of course I had posted what's wrong. So I decided to follow it up with what's right:

A safe & on-time flight. No delay in next flight. I'm healthy & happy & reading a great new book: The Happiness Project. I randomly met a cool guy in the airport restaurant in Raleigh: a businessman with a PhD in anthropology whose headed to central Africa in a couple weeks with his wife to see chimps & mountain gorillas (So jealous). Lots more :)

I was headed home from the National Association of Science Writers (NASW) conference - the third and final conference I have attended in the past month! I am all conferenced out. First it was SXSW-Eco in Austin, followed by a week at home, then the National Institutes of Health (NIH) Medicine in the Media program - which was absolutely fantastic! That was in Potomac, Maryland but I got to spend a day in DC with a friend. Home a week, then to this conference held in Raleigh, NC. I headed home two days early due to the Frankenstorm... I tell ya, from the moment I arrived in Raleigh, it was one craziness after another!

I arrived one day before the conference to see an old friend who moved to NC 8 years ago, but she got sick at the last minute, so I had to find a hotel room and something to do.  I decided to cab it to the Duke Lemur Center (which, it turns out, is the actual home of Zoboo of Zoboomafoo -- a kids show on PBS about a coquerel's sifaka - a type of lemur). They also do a lot of research, and I got to do a tour and see a lot of the lemur species, an 'aye aye' with its freaky weird long finger, and a slow loris with its huge cute eyes. They have large enclosures of the Duke Research Forest where some of the lemurs roam in a more natural habitat, but I didn't get to see them because that's only on the "behind the scenes" tour. It was really neat to see the place though!

The next day, I had lunch with one of my favorite editors at Beyu Caffe in downtown Durham.  I had the Thai Sauteed Veggies and mmmm it was so good! After that, I headed over to Research Triangle Park for the start of the conference. The first day we had half-day tours, and I took a tour of the company Medicago and their greenhouses where they are using a tobacco relative to make flu vaccines, rather than chicken eggs as are normally used. Then, we went to an EPA research facility where I learned about the use of cleaning robots to study how they might decontaminate from an anthrax bioterrorist attack. While my friend and colleague Nancy and I were on the tour, one of our other roommates checked into the hotel only to find out they had given our hotel room away! This was just the start of my travel woes!

We had to scramble to get another room at a nearby hotel - which we did, thankfully. But they were double rather than queen beds, and we were planning on having 2 to a bed. The first night in a place, I sometime can't sleep so well in my 'old age' especially when other people are there (I never used to be this way... could sleep anywhere, head hits the pillow and I was out!) but I tossed and turned for hours so by 1am I gave up, and went down to the lobby and got my own room. Then the comedy of errors began... the first new room reeked of cigarette smoke. Then I realized I'd left my cell phone in the other room with sleeping friends, and so I just needed to make sure the alarm would go off. I tried to get the alarm clock to work but that thing would not work for the life of me (maybe it was the 1am stupor... I dunno), so I picked up the phone for a wake up call instead, but there was no dial tone. Argh. So I got on the elevator, went back to the other room, snuck in quietly and found my phone, then back to my new room.

In this crazed sleepless, tired, discombobulated state, at 2am, I decided to postpone my Costa Rica trip. As much as I can't WAIT to go to Costa Rica and see the sloth sanctuary, I just feel like I've been traveling too much, and I'm traveled out for a while. I need to stick at home and get some work done and make some money, and also wasn't too keen about traveling on my own. Originally my friend was going to go but she had to do something else. And, in this same state of affairs, I called the airlines and switched my ticket home from NC to 2 days earlier; I got in last night at 1am. The conference was interesting but honestly I didn't think it held a candle to the SEJ conferences. I'll stick to them from here on out, I think! I am super happy to be home, and am about to dig into a new article.

Sir Walter Raleigh wearing a lab coat in honor of the NASW conference. The sky was darkening as Hurricane Sandy approached.

Nancy and I went out and had mojitos at the Marriott bar one night! :)

And a bonus pic of my sweet kitty, who thinks she is my "armrest" while I work on my laptop .

love, self-sabotage and chocolate

White calla lily, Green Gulch San Francisco Zen Center. Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

Sonnet 13

And wilt thou have me fashion into speech
The love I bear thee, finding words enough,
And hold the torch out, while the winds are rough,
Between our faces, to cast light on each?—
I drop it at thy feet. I cannot teach
My hand to hold my spirit so far off
From myself—me—that I should bring thee proof
In words, of love hid in me out of reach.
Nay, let the silence of my womanhood
Commend my woman-love to thy belief,—
Seeing that I stand unwon, however wooed,
And rend the garment of my life, in brief,
By a most dauntless, voiceless fortitude,
Lest one touch of this heart convey its grief

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I opened up my chocolate bar (organic fair trade dark chocolate currants and almonds) and there was this poem that spoke to my heart. I bought the bar specifically for the poem, as all these Chocolove bars have inside. I remember reading one from one of the best moments in my life, my Thanksgiving spent in solitude and gratitude at Owl Mountain near Abiquiu, New Mexico back in 2005 - the John Donne poem in my post chocolate foibles, about unintentionally eating maggot-infested chocolate - yum!

I started the Debbie Ford online class, Overcoming Self Sabotage, along with a small discussion group of friends and colleagues to share lessons with. I've also been listening to Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now on audio-CD and when his voice doesn't put me to sleep -- it is very relaxing and calming, and wise, but sometimes that isn't good when you're on a road trip -- I have gained some wonderful insights. As far as style, I think I prefer A New Earth (which I blogged about here and here and here) but this is good too. I really am fascinated by the concept of the pain body. He describes it as "accumulated pain [that] is a negative energy field that occupies your body and mind." It gets activated and overcomes us at certain times, but it is not us. I am not my pain body. It is an "involuntary acting out of old patterns."

It would do wonders if people could see that when someone's pain body is activated, it is not them. They are acting from the ego, from unconsciousness. Yes, ultimately an individual is responsible for actions made during any time, but when recognizing that someone's pain body is activated, you can step back and witness and not judge, not react, and not be so affected by things. Easier said than done, perhaps, but worth trying.

Other bits of wisdom that resonated:

"If the pain body takes you over, [an enlightened or conscious] partner will not mistake it for 'who you are.'"

"Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only chance of survival as a race."

"The ego believes through negativity it can manipulate reality to get what it wants."

"As long as you make an identity out of pain, as long as your sense of self involves embracing pain, you cannot be free. You will unconsciously resist or sabotage every attempt to heal your pain because you want to keep 'yourself' intact and the pain is a part of you."

This last one was very profound for me. Oprah did an online study of A New Earth and has an exercise related to dissolving the pain body. At any rate, I also hope to share more insights from the Self-Sabotage class since I am the Queen of Self-sabotage, but alas, not today.

I just returned from a wonderful visit to Austin for the SXSW-Eco conference, and got to visit and stay with my friend Deb, who is a documentary producer and is involved with the new film (also by my friends I trekked through Nepal with in 2007- Tim Gorski and Jon Kane) How I Became an Elephant. I also stayed with new friend, former film exec Kee Kee Buckley who traveled solo across the U.S. with her dog Yoda in her Prius, "Princess Leia" and is now writing a book about her adventure. You can read some of her journey at her blog Seeking Shama and not only that, she will appear on Friday's Ricki Lake show "How to Stop Stress from Killing You." Oh, and I should mention that she blogged about giving and receiving, touched by the story of the "free car" I received in a divine act of providence! I truly love connecting with friends, old and new - it makes me feel alive and not so alone in the universe to connect and share wisdom, stories, and love with fellow truth sojourners!

SXSW-Eco was pretty cool, but I was a bit of an emotional wreck to be honest, and keep forgetting things (I'm going through some intensely challenging emotional stuff with my daughter). The highlights of the conference for me included hearing Annie Leonard, who created the short film The Story of Stuff -- she is a rock star -- and Bill McKibben, Larry Schweiger and Ted Nordhaus in this incredible session called The New Environmentalists. I will be writing about some other ideas that came out of the conference. I will keep you all posted when the articles come out.

Meanwhile here are a couple articles that came out in the latest Environmental Health Perspectives:

• Are Compact Fluorescent Lights dangerous? Ultraviolet leaks from CFLs. My latest article in Env Health Perspectives (PDF version). Oct 2012.
• Pattern of Clues: Evidence of Distinct DNA Methylation in Newborns of Smoking Women. Oct 2012.

Is the Life I Wanted Passing Me By?

Cocha Blanco near the Manu Wildlife Center in the Manu Biosphere Reserve, Peruvian Amazon Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

I am in the process of sort of redefining - or clarifying - my life goals, my yearly goals, and my short-term goals and steps that I need to take in order to reach the next step in my own evolution. And I am listening to Debbie Ford's CD's "The Power to Make Life Changing Choices: The Right Questions in Action" and something she said really jumped out at me.

Lately I have felt a bit disillusioned with my life. Instead of being thrilled by all the amazing things I have seen and places I have gone, I have felt depressed and sad and that life has passed me by - or perhaps that the best is behind me. I know, I know... that's crazy talk. Call it a mid-life crisis, I don't know. I'm staring the empty nest smack dab in the face, and it scares the hell out of me. But worse than that, I feel like there are so many of my dreams that I don't even know if they are dreams anymore, they are buried so deep. Dreams like spending several months in Africa (I am scared now - where did that come from?). Dreams like writing a book (remember what happened to kill that dream? yea, like a book miscarriage). Dreams like having a good relationship with my daughter, something different than I had with my own mom (I really thought I had checked that one off the list, until the shit hit the fan this year in a excruciatingly heartbreaking way). Dreams like... saving the world. Producing and maybe even starring in a documentary film. Going on mission trips (can't afford them - why don't they want volunteers that don't have $3000 to spend?!), joining the Peace Corps, volunteering with the homeless and impoverished. Writing something that actually makes a difference in the world. So many things that now seem so distant and far off... But I know they are still dreams, and though the intense passion of my youth for these things has waned, I want to resurrect my dreams and figure out which ones I still really want to pursue. So I have been thinking about goals.

So back to the point: The CD outlines 10 questions you can ask yourself for every decision to make sure you are making decisions that lead you in the direction of your deeper vision (of course, it helps you have first defined that deeper vision).

Ford explains that when we head to the grocery store, we get in the car and we drive there. We don't stop at every corner and ask how we "feel" or ask ourselves, "do I want to stop here? Do I want to go to that corner shop or that coffee shop" while on the way. We would never get to our destination because we would be pausing and following every whim. Likewise, in other parts of our lives, we have to set an intention and a goal, and then determine how to get there, and not divert from that path. We need to not consult our "feelings" and "emotions" at every juncture on our path - do I want to take this assignment or that one because I like it, or eat this donut or french fries when I'm on a diet -- but rather we should always tune into our deeper vision.

She says there are no small choices, because every single choice we make either leads us toward our vision, or keeps us stuck in old patterns and in the past and our default way of doing things. Each choice, she says, affects our mood and our self esteem. We have to have the faith that we deserve the very best life, and that we can make our dreams a reality. Amen to that!

There's a lot more detail for each of these questions, but it's something to get you started on your path to living your dreams! What do you think?

The 10 questions are:

1. 1. Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future or will it keep me stuck in the past?
2. 2. Will this choice bring me long term fulfillment or will it bring me short term gratification?
3. 3. Am I standing in my own power or am I trying to please another?
4. 4. Am I looking for what’s right, or am I looking for what’s wrong?
5. 5. Will this choice add to my life force, or will it rob me of my energy?
6. 6. Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve or will I use it to beat myself up?
7. 7. Does this choice empower me or dis-empower me?
8. 8. Is this an act of self-love or self-sabotage?
9. 9. Is this an act of faith or an act of fear?
10. 10 Am I choosing from my Divinity or am I choosing from my humanity?

And so, the answer to the question I pose is no, but... I have to get on the wagon to make sure that the second part of my life doesn't roll right by me on the same track, when I do want to switch gears a little bit. I love what I do - I LOVE writing (most of the time) but I want to add some new things to my life repertoire. So let's go! What is on your bucket list?

consciousness cleanse

Peruvian Amazon rainforest along the River Madre de Dios
Copyright (c) Wendee Holtcamp 2006

I'm using my old desktop computer, which actually is not that old, but it is slow as a slug, and the keyboard is incredibly annoying. I had to mail my laptop off for repairs. Everything is falling apart it seems - my trusty Subaru had to be taken down for work yesterday too. It was getting awfully loud, and I thought it was just age. But turns out the wheel bearings were so bad that I was lucky it didn't just lock up on me. I only brought it down on a whim. Glad I did!

I have started doing the 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse, and the coolest thing is that I got several friends to do it alongside me, so we're all sharing our experiences. The Consciousness Cleanse is based on a new book by one of my favorite authors, Debbie Ford. There are online meditations and readings, but I got the book from my library and it's got some additional reading material. On the first day, which we did yesterday, you sort of come up with what area of your life most needs your focus, and to create an inner and outer goal to help you achieve it.

The audio meditation allows you to sort of think through and figure out what feeling you would have inside were that dream to come true to your wildest imaginings. I initially thought of financial success. Which is so unlike me, because I have always sort of despised people who have a lot of money. Maybe despised isn't the right word. Distrusted, maybe? It's like I have issues with people who seek money for money's sake and because of my own upbringing (I had a hippie dad, what can I say) I had/have some negative associations with money.

Yet I have always been extremely responsible with money, and done well for myself but the last year was tough on me financially. Hence the new focus. I have a future I need to save for. And I want to come to grips with the fact that not all wealthy people are selfish or greedy, but that is just a semi-conscious mental attitude I picked up along the way. And maybe a little bit of envy. But in my ponderings and such on this goal, I realized that what I really want is to make a difference, and I feel if I had wealth or greater success I could do more good the world. There's so much I dream of doing that is just impossible without the money to do it. And it brought me back to my book, and dreaming of its success. And wanting it to make a difference in terms of getting the message out there that God is love, and God is truth, and that science reveals truth about the natural world, God's creation, and science and faith are fully compatible! And all this brought me back to the fact that because of financial struggle I don't feel as much joy and passion for my work, which sometimes keeps me from giving my 100% attention to it as I should. The writing becomes more of a struggle, something that has to be done, rather than a true joy. And I crave that passion again for my work, for whatever I do. So that is what I'm working towards.

I started smiling at everyone I meet. It is amazing how by giving a smile, you can bring joy to them, and back to you. Just a simple little thing. And I've noticed a little more spring in my step the last few days. So that's where I'm at, and some of the things on my mind and heart lately! What's new with you? Leave a comment! ;)

Debbie Ford and the shadow

Painting cloth with huito in Diamante, Peru
Copyright (c) 2006 Wendee Holtcamp

Tuesday night I went to go see one of my favorite authors, Debbie Ford. She's written several books including Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Secret of the Shadow, The Best Year of Your Life, and her latest, Why Good People Do Bad Things. She was originally supposed to come during the same time frame that Hurricane Ike hit Houston! That obviously got rescheduled and I was so happy to get to go see her - for only $15! I've always wanted to go to one of her weekend workshops, but they cost several hundred dollars, so that ain't gonna happen anytime soon.

Her talk was called "Healing the split and loving all sides of you" and she talked about many of the things she's written about in her various books. Essentially the "shadow" is the part of ourselves that we sort of disown or hide so deep we really do not believe it's in us. It's what Carl Jung called the shadow, and other psychologists call the false self. It can sometimes ruin our lives, because we so hate that part of ourselves (and sometimes project it onto others) that it drives us to become the opposite. Maybe it was a trait of our parents, or maybe it is something we just despise like greediness or meanness. Her whole work revolves around getting people to accept and even love all sides of ourselves. Because when we say the concept that we are a microcosm of the macrocosm, or all of the world lies within us, or things like that the point is that we as a single human being are capable of anything - good or bad - in the right circumstances. (I think that the Stanford prison experiment made that clear, in the negative sense).

So at the end she did an exercise where we close our eyes and she guides us through a visualization. I have a CD of her visualizations that I listen to some mornings and it was a very similar one except in this case she had us pick one trait that we do not like in others. The thing we most do not want to be like. Mine is narcissism. I do not like simple-minded, judgmental people who believe, truly, we are just furniture in their world. Their views are truth, and everyone else is wrong. There are no different opinions, everyone else is wrong. So that was my negative trait I focused on for the visualization.

In the visualization we were told to personify that trait and give it a name, and what first came to my mind was "embryo" but I couldn't picture an embryo so I pictured a baby. And as I did I realized that all babies are narcissistic, by biological nature. They don't know that the world is not their entire world. They cry to get fed. They cry to get their poopie pants changed. They do not realize yet that mom is not an extension of themselves. So in that sense, I and everyone else has within them narcissism. And I realized that I needed to love that part of me, because the reality of my life was that as a baby and child I got inconsistent love. So that inner child, that narcissistic child needs to be loved and cherished so that I do not hate that part of me. And a vision came to me during this also that in certain relationships I push to get what I want and think I know what's best for that person or for the relationship, and in a sense that is me acting narcissistic! How can I know what's best for anyone else? I can hardly know what's best for me.

So that was what I got out of it. It was actually a big shift and a big realization, and it was really wonderful. I've been happy the past few days, and feel very positive and hopeful about the future.

the shadow

The Coral Sea
Copyright (c) 2008 Wendee Holtcamp

I’m sitting at my kitchen table at dusk, drinking a cup of instant coffee and eating the last of my Hershey’s chocolate. I always have chocolate in emergency situations. Whenever I fly, I buy some chocolate – usually Godiva pearls. My philosophy is if there’s a chance of dying, you may as well have some chocolate. And all I can say about the instant coffee is thank God that I saw the woman in the grocery store grab some off the shelf, because I’d have never thought to buy some if I hadn’t seen her grab some. Thank God for small miracles!

Everything in the fridge is now room temp, and everything in the freezer is now mildly cold and melted. Fortunately I didn’t have much meat or other frozen stuff. I have some mushy blueberries – that is probably my greatest loss because I spent hours picking those things and they usually last me through the year for smoothies etc. I feel very blessed that my house is completely unscathed. I lost just one board off of my fence, and that’s it. I have 3 medium sized live oaks in my yard, and not even a branch came off. However many of my neighbors did not fare so well. Driving around my neighborhood in north Houston (not too far from the Houston Intercontinental airport) I notice a lot of downed trees. A LOT. Several people have pine trees through their roofs, or cracked in half and oaks completely uprooted in their yard. It’s truly amazing that this far inland we have sustained so much damage, and yet it’s also amazing that there was so little loss of life. It’s humid and warm, but a cold front is supposed to come through tomorrow I think. Heck I grew up without AC so it’s not a big deal to me!

At 730pm on Sunday night, I still do not have electricity, nor does anyone in my neighborhood, though some people throughout various parts of Houston do including my friend who lives literally just across the road (the major road that runs through this area, that is). I’m going over there in the morn to charge up this laptop that I haven’t used until now. I stopped by earlier today and they were having a hurricane party! But I am here with the kids, so I’ll go tomorrow. The kids are off school through Wednesday I think. They’ve been playing in the street with friends and just hanging out here with Matt and I who stopped by earlier for a few hours. I have been reading a lot. I read about ¾ of the book Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford, who I am supposed to go see give a talk on Thursday and I’m hoping and praying that still happens because I adore her, and have for several years, but I don’t know if it will be cancelled due to all the mess. This was the first book she wrote, and I’ve heard a lot of it in audio form because I’d bought a CD set of hers that has guided visualizations several years ago. But given all the soul searching I’m doing lately it’s been really good.

She talks about the ‘shadow’ which includes the disowned or hidden parts of ourselves. She says to ask, what words would you hate to have written to describe you in a newspaper article? What are some traits that you hate in others? And though it’s extremely hard for some people, you have to find where in yourself you manifest these same traits, or where have you in the past? Often these things are what drove you to become these traits’ opposite. If you insist you are not stupid, then maybe in our past somewhere someone teasing you drove you to do well in school and excel and to become well-read so that no one could ever call you stupid. But still, you may still do some stupid things, even though it’s not a word you would ever use to describe yourself. Maybe you see “drama” in other people but think you’re really non-dramatic but you seem to attract drama into your life. That’s because you have drama in your shadow. Maybe you hate when people feel sorry for themselves, or have that poor pitiful me aura or cry or get emotional, well that is because you’ve disowned that part of yourself, but it’s there. Somewhere inside, you feel sorry for yourself, but you hate it so much you become cold and despise people who seem like they feel sorry for themselves – or people in tune with their emotional side. The process can take some digging and some work, but it’s really valuable.

One of her main points is that we have all the traits in the universe, and we can become both the most amazing saint and the most awful criminal, depending on our circumstances. The hidden traits have to be “integrated” or accepted or they will forever be part of what psychologists call the false or hidden self, what Carl Jung called the Shadow. We will attract people into our lives who have these vey traits that we despise, because God, the Universe, whatever is trying to get our attention and getting us to recognize these hidden aspects of ourselves and of our personalities.

So it’s an interesting book and I’m going to do some of the exercises. One of them is looking at yourself in a mirror and saying the negative trait over and over “I am X” until it loses its emotional power over you and so if someone ever actually called you that, it would not have any sting anymore. Debbie Ford actually was part of a TV show on one of the major networks that must have only played a couple episodes then disappeared but where she took divorced or separated couples and had one of them work through this process in her workshop (among other things) and she had the people in the small group “flood” the person with that negative trait. It’s emotionally wrenching and they often cry or get angry or can’t hear it at all. But eventually they get through it and it loses its power. I would absolutely LOVE to do one of her workshops, but they’re too expensive for me. I know that Alanis has done them!! One day, I will attend one!

Two wolves - a Cherokee legend

Shadows in the morning - Big Bend National Park
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

"All of my flaws and negative qualities -of which I have many - have brought me priceless gifts, for they are what have led me to become who I am today. I can no longer stand in judgment and disapproval of my human flaws, weaknesses, and dark impulses, because the integration and wisdom of my own humanity are what have led me to deliver my greatest gift and create a life beyond what I could ever have imagined for myself."
- Debbie Ford in Why Good People Do Bad Things.

I love that quote, and it's so true for my own life! Debbie Ford has been a huge inspiration and influence on my life, and I'm so excited that I'm going with some girlfriends to see her talk on Sept 18. She is one of my all-time favorite authors and spiritual teachers. She is talking on "Why Good People Do Bad Things" at the Unity Church in Houston, which also happens to be the name of her latest book:
Why Good People Do Bad Things: How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy. I picked up the book at the library today and started reading it at the gym, and already it's so insightful! More on that in a sec. I have some of her audio programs, which are totally amazing but I gave them to a friend and never got them back! But I have also read The Best Year of Your Life, and parts of The Right Questions, The Secret of the Shadow, and The Dark Side of the Light Chasers

The most inspiring and unique thing she has contributed, I think, is that she teaches how we tend to try to hide from our shadow side, pretend it doesn't exist, shove it under the rug, deny it. She teaches that by denying the shadow, we only end up repressing it so much that it bounces up like a beach ball held under the water and in this way we can sabotage ourselves. This beach ball example she talks about in her new book, but her teachings on the shadow have been part of her writing since her first book, Dark Side of the Light Chasers. So the main thing she teaches is that instead of denying and repressing that shadow, we need to acknowledge it, and understand its gifts and lessons.

Even our worst traits can benefit us, sometimes, or at least have great lessons for us. For example, if we have a greedy side, maybe that can help us save money when we really need to. If we (say, as a kid) tended to tell lies and still have a part of ourself that may lie occasionally, ask, when can that trait benefit us? Maybe for a kid, it benefits them to lie when they have to tell some stranger online or on the phone that no they are not home alone, or to disguise their identity. She describes all this far better than I, but the point is that instead of feeling totally shamed by these parts of ourselves, we have to learn what lessons they can teach us. It's not about thinking the shadow is "good" but to understand that all humanity has both the dark and the light, and when we deny it, it leads to hypocrisy and self sabotage, like when priests abuse children because they've denied their sexual urges, or when the pastor of a evangelical church that condemns homosexuality ends up having homosexual affairs, or when Strom Thurmond makes racist comments throughout his life and was a segregationalist in the early part of his career but turns out he had an illegitimate daughter from his black maid. Those very parts we try to deny in ourselves so fervently often come out to sabotage us, when they are not openly acknowledged.

In the new book I really loved this Cherokee story that she tells. It's quite long but here is the main part: A Cherokee chief takes his grandson out under a tree in the forest to have a talk with him about life and tells him, "It is as if there are two big wolves living inside me; one is white and one is black. The white wolf is good, kind, and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all that is around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. The good wolf, grounded and strong in the understanding of who he is and what he is capable of, fighting only when it is right to do so and when he must in order to protect himself or his family, and even then he does it the right way. He looks out for other wolves in the pack and never deviates from his nature. But there is a black wolf also that lives inside me, and this wolf ...is loud, angry, discontent, jealous, and afraid. The littlest thing will set him off into a fit of rage. He fights with everyone, all the time, for no reason. He can not think clearly because his greed for more and his anger and hate are so great. But it is helpless anger, son, for his anger will change nothing. He looks for trouble wherever he goes, so he easily finds it. He trusts no one so he has no real friends....Sometimes it's hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them fight hard to dominate my spirit."

The son asks him which one wins. And the grandfather answers, "They both do son.... You see, the black wolf has many important qualities that I might need, depending on what comes our way. He is fierce, strong-willed, and will not back down for a moment. He is smart, clever, and is capable of the most devious thoughts and strategies, which are important in a time of war. He has many sharp and heightened senses that only one who is looking through the eyes of darkness could appreciate."

He says that he feeds both wolves, because if he feeds them both, they will no longer fight for his attention and because they are no longer fighting, he can hear the voice of his deeper knowing and choose which can help in what circumstances. "If your grandmother wants food to cook for a special meal and I haven't taken care of it like I should have, I can ask my white wolf to lend me his charms to console her black wolf, who is hungry and angry. The white wolf always knows what to say and is sensitive to her needs. You see son, if you understand that there are two main forces that exist inside you and you give them equal respect, they will both win and there will be peace. Peace, my son, is the ultimate Cherokee mission - the ultimate purpose of life."

I loved this story. Debbie Ford's writings have played a big part in my being so open about my own "shadow" which I openly discuss on this blog and in my life. In fact that I talk about my shadow, my weaknesses, my flaws so regularly is part of why the whole online support group thing fell apart, because it can seem like it is some dominant part of my life if I talk about it all the time. But that's really not a true picture. I like to observe and describe my own dark wolf so he knows I know he is out there, and what he is capable of so he doesn't too often sneak up and sabotage my white wolf. I've written before that I believe in radical honesty. But I think for the most part my life reflects living in the light of the white wolf. The spirit of God.