date rape and freedom

Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent. Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever. The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not.
- Henry David Thoreau, upon the death of his son

This is a hard story to tell, but something I really dealt with emotionally about 5 years ago. In some respects, telling it is almost anticlimactic because it's easy for people I've told about the situation to just downplay it. The truth is, I have met so many friends who this has happened to in one way or another. Many more have not yet reckoned with the powerful impact such an event has on who they are, the hidden self, the "piece of shit feeling" as Jennifer Aniston calls it, that just about everybody carries around deep down. This event affected my marriage, my ability to trust people, but also ultimately gave me the power of an interminable spirit that will not be forced down. I will not allow myself to be a victim or to let pain keep me from doing the best I can to enjoy my life. It's not always easy. As Barbara Johnson wrote, "Pain is inevitable, misery is optional so stick a geranium in your hat and be happy!"

The date rape happened to me in 10th grade when I was 15 years old. It was a very traumatic year and part of my life, which I literally told no one about until I turned 30 years old and started to understand what had happened and how it had affected me. It was not all traumatic and violent like you might imagine rape. Throughout my life I was always fascinated by violent rapes and never realized that it had happened to me. If you don't think people can repress memories, think again! Its like a slow awakening, the piecing together of a mosaic of shards that finally reveal a whole picture. It certainly had a very traumatic effect on my young life, compounded by the shame of being blamed for the event, and unceremoniously dumped drunk on my front lawn as my friend desperately tried to wake me enough to walk into the house without waking my parents. Over the months after, I turned to alcohol and self-loathing and attempted suicide. I still bear the scars on my wrist and I look at them as a reminder that I will never ever let anything in life take me to that depth again.

Life offers unlimited beauty and grace, and I swore that I would never let the inevitable pain in life take away my ability to laugh and be vulnerable and let in love. That is why I find it ironic that despite all my vows to myself, that I have still managed to keep my heart behind an iron gate in some ways. I always swore that I would not let pain keep me from enjoying my life. Sometimes it seems to have gotten close to the better of me, but so far I'm still fighting - fighting to live the best life I can possibly live and to claim the promised land that God promises the faithful believer. If you want to read a really tough story, you can read an essay I wrote on that dark time in my life. I put it here in the hopes that it may help other people who have dealt with this issue, to hold a candle in the darkness and offer hope from despair. The Night That Changed Everything.

I love July. It's my birthday month and also the 4th of July holiday - my favorite as a kid. I feel very proud to be an American - I certainly don't think that I or anyone in this country is better than anyone else in any way, but our country was founded on principles of truth and freedom. Our government's decisions may not always represent every individual's desires, and it makes its fair share of mistakes, but it is a democratic nation and it's our responsibility as citizens to engage and participate in the process- even beyond the vote. Without citizens fighting for what they believe should occur in the nation, change would be led by greedy interests and it often is. Never underestimate your power when you fight for something deep and true and just. By fighting I don't mean violence, sometimes it's getting your perspective heard and joining with others who feel the same, sometimes it's finding common ground. Freedom can be found in our own personal lives, also, no matter where you live... we have the freedom to live outside of the pain and spiderwebs that would try to keep us down. It's our choice to take the key given to use and free ourselves from the chains that bind us. As the Eagles sing in Already Gone, "So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key..."