Just Do it! But Only from Love

Lavender at Green Gulch Organic Farm, Muir Beach, CA.
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

And giving over this, my journey Lord
I see nothing but Your face
- Christy Nockels, Choose.

This week's Inner Mean Girl Cleanse "Dare" was to face-down our Inner Obligation Queen - to not take on tasks or do things that we really don't want to do. If you do it, do it from love. We were asked by Christine and Amy in the weekly newsletter to 1. Say No and 2. Act from a place of service to what and who is truly important to you.

Sometimes it's something that you really don't have much choice over - perhaps taking care of an elderly parent, or cooking dinner for the kids, or whatever the case may be - the dare is to shift your inner attitude from negative vibes associated with "I have to" or "I should" to the awareness - first that almost everything we have and do stems ultimately from choices we have made, and two, we can shift the negative vibe that goes with obligation to gratitude by realizing most of these obligations are actually a great privilege. Those responsibilities we have, we should offer our actions out of love. So simple, yet so powerful. I LOVE the concept!

I have to be honest - I know a LOT of women struggle with this, but me? Not so much. I usually don't do things I don't want to do, and I truly enjoy most of the things I choose to do. I have always (until recently!) kept my kids in only one activity at a time, so for the most part so neither I nor they wear ourselves into the ground. I like to choose activities I know I can fully commit to, and I am very good with follow-through. If I start a 10-week bible study, you can be pretty sure if I'm in town I will be there every week and I will have done my homework. And I actually love doing things for my kids. I get super busy and don't cook every night but I actually love to cook, and enjoy simple things like making them their lunches for the next day (they may not realize this, but I do!). I like keeping my house clean and tidied up -it gives me pleasure and joy! So I'm a bit odd, what can I say.

Wow! Funny how this happens!! As I'm writing this right now, I literally just realized HOW true it was that I stayed in my 20-month relationship out of obligation rather than truly believing it was the right thing! Wow! Why did I compromise my principle there, when I don't for so many other things? Hmm. Ah-ha moment happening right now!!

But I digress... What I had intended to mention was the one thing that did come up and I did take the Dare head-on. I didn't have my kids this weekend, and as much as I adore my kids and having them around and their fun, boisterous energy, I also really enjoy and cherish my alone weekends. I work, I exercise, I talk with friends, and I rest. So when Sunday came, I felt "I really SHOULD go to church." As soon as I thought "should" I went A-Ha! I realized... No. I. do. not. To be honest, I have been struggling over whether my soul can really worship as well in the church I currently attend. I LOVE the bible studies and programs I'm engaged in there, but the service kind of bores me. I like the music most of the time, but I start looking around the pews at who is there, and not focusing on worshipping. So I may start to church-hop sometimes soon but I decided to stay home this past Sunday. It was very freeing! (But again I have to admit it wasn't the first time I've skipped church).

I did know that I had a bible study I was starting that evening and so would have another way to worship through learning. It's a Beth Moore Living Beyond Yourself (LBY) study that just started this week. I was present when she recorded the series downtown at Lakewood church and she is sooooo amazing and Spirit-filled and she inspires me to be a better person. And the weirdest part is that it was 2003 when I did this study, and that was right before I moved out from my marriage... so it is going to be somewhat poignant for that reason. How far I have come, and how much my Spirit has grown!

It's funny that I blogged just 2 days ago but so many things have already happened since then. I had a fantabulous weekend. Friday my friend Elise and I went to spin class, and then she came over and she made me a vodka sour and we watched the movie CityIsland and talked through half of it! Saturday I had the Inner Mean Girl Reform School Open House telecall - which was awesome and there were some real gems. I'll blog about them in a future post. You can listen on Wednesday (even if you're not signed up for the Cleanse) - it's a 90-minute call at 8pm EST and it's free. If you can't make it at that time still sign up as they'll send you an mp3 of the call if you miss it.

I had a powerful experience yesterday where I felt the overwhelming presence of the Lord, where I had no choice but to fall down on my knees and cry tears of joy. I know it sounds a bit whack to write or read that, and I have to say that this was a new one for me. It was absolutely profound, and there are really no words to describe it, but I will say I have had a real sense of joy in my Spirit over the past few weeks and am feeling alive and excited and spacious about so many things. And then this morning, I was doing my daily LBY bible study workbook, and right in front of my eyes was a lesson that made me realize that something I was so absolutely sure I was right about, I wasn't. What happened, the thing I didn't like at all, it turns out the Lord told me plain as day (though the study) this 'thing' was His will! Cuz God is just cool like that. :) Below is a slideshow Youtube video of the song I was worshipping to at home when the moment happened - may the song bless you as much as it has me!

Loving Well

My best friend Daline and Tina, our naturalist guide at a hot spring in the Peruvian Amazon rainforest, just off of the Manu River.
Copyright (c) 2006 Wendee Holtcamp

I just got back from my church's retreat, which used Beth Moore's Loving Well 4-session program. Beth Moore is one of the most inspiring, joyful, genuine, and spirit-filled women I've ever seen. She is from Houston, and has Tuesday evening bible studies for several weeks during the year at Houston's First Baptist Church. I haven't been able to attend since my divorce but used to go regularly. Thousands of people go! It's pretty amazing. She actually videotapes some of these bible studies, which end up as video bible study series that other people can then watch (often churches offer the bible studies using the videos) and she's written several books.

I have seen Beth live for two different bible studies and I have also done two or three of her bible studies through churches. I have to tell you, she is just so funny, and very real. She has been through so much in her life, and is so non-judgmental. Yet she really teaches you so much about the Bible. She loves to go back and look at the original language and what it means and by sharing that knowledge it really has deepened my own faith. I would love to be like her, so full of joy and goodness.

At this weekend's Loving Well conference - it was a video series - we learned that we can't love well until we feel well loved. We have to truly be able to feel God's love before we can give. She said that too many people in the church give and serve until they're worked to the bone but they're not loving well because they don't feel LOVED in their soul. There's a difference between believing IN God, and BELIEVING God. She asked the difficult question, Are you loving better now than you were 5 years ago? Because if you're growing in Christ, you're growing in love.

She also talked about four categories of people we are called to love - and used Bible passages to show this. Joy, Testy, Foe and Far. She put 4 chairs on her stage and placed those labels on each chair and had us imagine who those people are in our lives. Joy are people who are joys to love. Testy are the people who just drive you crazy. Foe are people who are an enemy to your soul, people who you even hate (or maybe in denial about hating, because it's not "nice" or not "Christian" to hate), and then Far who are the people around the world, the needy and the people different from us. We are called to love all of these. Then we got a booklet we can use for the next 4 weeks to go through some of the material on our own. (I put a pic that had Daline in it above because in my life, she is the one who I've known the longest who has truly been a Joy to love).

I am adding Beth's blog to my blogroll because I so love her!

More may come soon, but I wanted to just say that I came home to the most sweet valentine you can imagine. Doug sent me a "secret note" It came in a puzzle that I had to print out and then rearrange to uncode my secret message. (I hope he doesn't mind I am posting it on my blog and now it's not so secret! LOL).

A picture at the main lodge, where we stayed, and had our retreat sessions at. The retreat was held at Forest Glen outside of Huntsville and it was wooded and very beautiful. I didn't take any pictures outside though! I did lie near the lake on a bench and sit and pray quietly, and then also went on a nice walk around the lake with G later in the day. G and I - we drove up together! She's a wonderful woman with a kind heart and soul and a mentor to me. :)

The bed where I slept... notice the grey shirt? That's Doug's! I like to wear his shirt when he's gone because it reminds me of him! :) Plus it's super comfy...
I came home to this "secret note" from Doug. I had to print it out and puzzle it together.
All I can say is... I'm a lucky girl! :)

Here's a youtube video talking about the Loving Well Series. The 2nd part is here: http://www.lifeway.com/lovingwell/hear.htm

gratitude and transformation

I am going to bed "early" tonight. It's midnight. Last time I said that on this blog I actually ended up in bed at 2am. So much for early. However tomorrow I have a 9:30am coffee date with a friend who is in town, so I have to be somewhat presentable. Normally when I get up at 7am to take the kids to school I wear my pajamas, and am all disheveled which doesn't matter because I just climb back in bed as soon as I get home. I am NOT a morning person. Repeat: I hate mornings! bleh! However I can stay up 'til 4am without any trouble like I did last night.

I have been scrambling like mad to get travel itineraries confirmed, and all the little annoying details so that I feel nominally in control of my life for the travel craziness to ensue. Cars to rent, plane tickets to buy, lodging and skiiing to arrange, scheduling people I'm going to meet with, and all that jazz, and for 2 big trips not just one. Oh and did I mention that I have 2 deadlines plus I'm teaching 2 writing classes right now? And holy crapola also income taxes are due before I leave, which for the self employed entails 9 gajillion forms?! Aye yi yi (how the heck do you spell that anyway?!)

On another note, every morning I read this devotion "Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only" by Beth Moore (who is awesome by the way) and today the lesson was on the parable of the ten lepers who Jesus healed together, but only 1 came back and thanked Jesus. It's all about gratitude, peeps.

"Jesus said, 'Were not 10 cleansed? Where are the nine? Didn't any return to give glory to God except this foreigner'" (Luke 17:17-18)

I find it interesting for 2 reasons. Not only was it the non-religious person ("foreigner") who came back thankful (similar to how the Good Samaritan was considered a "foreigner"), it's also so true that so many remain ungrateful for the blessings and answered prayers and healings in their lives. Or they fail to give the glory to God. I'm trying to teach my kids about being thankful, because it also relates to complaining, which Jesus also talked about and my kids do quite a bit of!! This is a pretty tough statement but it's what the good book says:

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..."Philippians 2:14-16a

That is a beautiful passage. The lesson today speaks about being changed from the inside out. How the presence of the Holy Spirit of God changes a person physically and spiritually to the point where others can tell a difference. I know without a doubt I have been. And I hope to continue to be changed from the inside out, being transformed daily to be more and more like Jesus. Because He is radically awesome! And I am still sometimes pretty pitiful and whiny and insecure and bitchy and all kinds of unpretty things. But my general lifestyle has changed from darkness to light in so many ways.

Related to this though is another lesson a few weeks back that really spoke to me. It was on the woman who poured perfume on Jesus' feet and how the Pharisee, the teacher of religion, thought "if Jesus only knew what kind of woman this was" he would never let her pour perfume on his feet. Course Jesus read his mind and said, "Simon I have somewhat to say unto thee" which sounds kinda funny because that is the King James Version but I think it's funny and cool. Mista I got somewhat to say to you!

And what Jesus had to say was, lookee here mister, and then he told a parable about two men with cancelled debts. Who was more grateful? It was the one who had the larger debt cancelled. The woman who had sinned more and lived a more depraved life was truly grateful and loved Jesus (and hence God) deeply, whereas the righteous religious teacher had externally lived properly but inside his heart was cold and judgmental. Beth says something that I have long believed to be true, "I am learning that my heart and mind are of greater importance to Him than my words and deeds."

Two people can do the same behaviors, but the heart can be in totally different places. And those who have lived lives of "depravity" and who have turned their lives around, transformed from the inside out by God's love - even if they don't recognize it as such - can end up so eternally grateful. (but maybe only 1 in 10?) Sometimes the transformation is not yet complete and others are out there still pointing fingers and judging. I also have some friends, or family of friends, who are still on the path of pain and sin and hurting themselves and others, which is so destructive and painful to watch. And I sometimes see judgmental self-righteous people, who are also killing themselves from within (I think Jesus calls them full of dead bones!). The path is narrow that leads to life! But it's not the path of self-righteousness or perfection or sinlessness, but the path of love, grace, and truth. Amen!