We're not broken, just bent

Lake McKenzie, Fraser Island, Australia
(c) Wendee Nicole 2008

I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
...
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
- Pink, Just Give Me a Reason

The 4th of July - Independence Day - used to be my favorite holiday. I've blogged before about this, but as a kid, I always spent summers with my dad, and on the 4th he'd usually go to a party in town where we'd watch fireworks on the Columbia river. When I was really little fireworks scared me, and I'd bury my head in his strong loving arms. But as I got older I loved the fireworks and the Oregon summer air and being together with my brother (who I didn't live with except in the summer) and my dad. It was like my family was together only during these summertimes. Now, holidays alone are hard for me. Yesterday was tough. Independence day just reminds me that I am "independent" ie single. Most of the time I am perfectly fine with that, and enjoy my solitude, and hanging with friends and doing my work, but on holidays when my close friends leave town to spend time with their families and I'm left alone it can be tough. And as I near the empty nest when both my kids will be gone from under my roof (only my son is there now), the prospect of facing life alone for the rest of my days can feel daunting. (It is also a factor in why I have decided to apply for grad school - I want to challenge myself and reinvent my career and do more for people who might be suffering or struggling in the world than I feel I can do through my writing alone).

At any rate, yesterday I felt really alone and reached out to someone who did not respond quite as I had hoped. At first the lack of response was ok for me, but it turned to a bit of a downer today when I got a more abrupt message. My heart felt saddened, and after a cry and a nice hot bath, I decided that this was a job for mama-love! I really have healed my relationship with my mom tremendously over the past year, mostly because I now have a teenager and it made me appreciate the hell I put my mom through and all the ways that I held a silly grudge over things she did her best on, and I truly forgave things from my childhood from my heart. I had meant to blog about this before, but didn't get to it... so here it is. And my mom isn't that old, but you just never know when a parent might go, and I absolutely would and will be heartbroken. Because of our healing, I feel a new closeness to my mom, and wish she was even closer so we could spend more time together.

So here I am, in Dallas visiting for a bit, and on the drive up this evening I felt that I needed to listen to the final CD of the audio-book of The Shack (an amazing book!) for the third time, and it was exactly what I needed to hear! This is a fictional story of a guy named Mackenzie (Mac) whose young daughter Missy is kidnapped and brutally murdered. He eventually goes to the "shack" where she was killed and there, ends up spending several days with three characters: Papa (God) who is a black woman, Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) represented as an ethereal sparkly Asian woman, and Jesus. At the end of the story, it turns out he was in a coma from a car accident, but the time spent with the trinity was genuine because he was able to locate Missy's body from what he had learned over the course of the days. Throughout the book, the time Mac spends with each of the characters is awesome and illuminating; Mac learns about faith and doubt, and how much God loves us as a beautiful chaotic mess. For example, they show Mac a messy flower garden to represent his heart and soul. One of my favorite lines is where Papa likes to say about everyone that comes up in conversation "I am especially fond of ____." Feeling loved by God is so hard sometimes, but as Beth Moore says, until we can feel deeply loved by God, we cant love God with our whole hearts and minds and soul and strength. It's a process of letting go and of asking to feel loved - hard because people often transpose God with our own fathers or caregivers or experiences in life.

There was a scene in that last part of the book I listened to where Papa brought Mac to the cave where the killer had put Missy's young body and, I blogged about a couple posts ago, I have personified love that never really had a full chance to grow as a baby in utero that died (I promise this isnt gruesome! But helpful and healing!); it has helped me process the loss. So during this scene Papa asks Mac to forgive the killer and Mac of course struggles with his anger and his feelings of desiring revenge and justice, and it was so poignant for me because when I am upset with people sometimes and especially when I feel a sense of injustice - I think this is fairly common - I want to let that person know how they made me feel, and in the process the words can hurt them. I learned through some counseling that is actually a form of "revenge" - who knew? Like, if they could just understand how much they hurt me, they would feel bad, understand, and make it better or fix it. In my experience it has never worked out that way. They feel bad, and then get upset themselves. Anyway, so of course a form of anger is a normal stage of grieving and mourning the loss of anything, and I had gone through that stage but in the past weeks had reached a more peaceful acceptance and had felt pretty good until this reaching out episode....

But hearing that dialogue between Papa and Mac, when he said out loud he forgave the killer - and that did not mean that it was OK what he did, or that he had to have a relationship with the person. But Papa (God) said that He loved the killer because he was His child. He didn't love what the killer had become, but He loved him "for the broken child twisted by his pain." If only we could see those who hurt us in small ways and big through these loving eyes of grace! If we could really live this out in life! How powerful that would be. Papa said there is power in speaking and declaring forgiveness out loud, and so I turned the CD off and spoke out loud that I forgave that person for the very few things I still felt any upset over, and then I realized what I mostly needed was to forgive myself and to truly accept God's forgiveness for my own mistakes in this, and so I spoke that - I said God I accept your forgiveness for... all these things. I cried, and it was so poignant and beautiful. And then I continued to listen to the end of the book, and just like Mac with his flood of joy upon forgiveness, I literally felt this warmth and this peacefulness come over me. I felt like I had such deep love for this person and there was no desire to control the outcome anymore, and just a deep feeling of extending God's grace to him, and to myself.

At the same time, God called to mind during that thought process that He had raised the dead to life for more than one person (Lazarus, for example) who had been in their grave for multiple days. I know that God can heal all things - it is His very nature-- Jehovah Rapha or God who heals. I know that when there are two people who live grace and love God, there is nothing that can keep God from performing His healing work between them because God is love, and God's whole story is about reconciliation. It has been true between my mom and I, and between my daughter and I, and I know that in time, it will also be true - in whatever capacity that God wants - between my friend and I. Until then I rest in my prayers and the love I hold in my heart.

On a final note - how amazing God is! - I had found that image at the top completely randomly by searching through my photos as I do and I picked that one because of the bent trees growing towards one another and that represented the lyrics in the Pink song I quote. I actually thought it was Lake Wabby, but when I googled it, it turns out that lake is actually LAKE MCKENZIE!! How freaking weird is that!!! I had forgotten there even WAS a Lake McKenzie... Twilight zone!! God is at work... Wishing grace and peace to all you pumpkins! Have a great weekend.

Bering Sea Day 19: Independence Day

Wildflowers in central Texas. Copyright (c) Wendee Holtcamp

Today is America's Independence Day, and I love my country, and this was my favorite holiday when I was a kid. I always spent it with my dad, and sometimes we'd watch the fireworks over the Columbia River on the border of Washington and Oregon. It was exciting because it was close to my birthday. But I was thinking today that my real Independence Day came the day I accepted God's free gift of grace and the love of Jesus, the day my sins were forgiven for all time. I wrote this a few months ago and just thought I'd share:

Atheists (and I used to be one of them) upset by the injustice caused in the name of religion come to the wrong conclusion (that God doesn't exist). God is love. Does love exist? God is that which is pure, unadulterated joy. God is truth. God is holy. Do you see pure beauty in life, rare as it may be? That's God at work.

[W]hatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

In all religions, we humans have a tendency to not act like God. We have a tendency to not tell the truth, to steal someone else's joy and not feel it ourselves, to act ugly, to not be pure. That's just the plain facts. In Christianity, we believe that the God of love came here to Earth to teach us and ultimately reconcile our crappy nature with his holy self. He forgave all our crappiness. Love covered it. He smothers us in his love! Like a dumptruck. We're free, we're a dead man walking that got parole, who got off free and clear with the exchange of our soul - but we're giving our soul to a life of love, of our best effort at love. There's a bonus. The real Holy Spirit of God will enter in, we can access its power to live this life!

This song says it all and makes me cry every time I hear it... this is Pocket Full of Rocks singing Come as You Are.

"Come as You Are."

He's not mad at you
He's not disappointed
His grace is greater still,
than all of your wrong choices
He is full of mercy and he is ever kind
Hear his invitation, His arms are open wide

You can come as you are,
with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart,
bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

Louder than the voice that whispers you're unworthy
Hear the sound of love,
that tells a different story
Shattering your darkness and pushing through the lies
How tenderly he calls you,
His arms are open wide

You can come as you are,
with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart,
bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

You can come as you are

You can come as you are with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart,
bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

Why I am not a Conservative Christian

On the eve of this historic vote that passed healthcare reform in our nation (once Obama signs the bill into law), I am hearing very polarized responses on Facebook among my friends. Some say we are all "doomed." Others are rejoicing. I'm with those rejoicing. It's not perfect, but it is historic, and it begins to bring our country's citizens, myself included, beneficial much-needed change. It will help ordinary citizens to not get crippled with debt from corrupt and greedy health insurance companies who drop them at their whim. It prevents them from rejecting kids and adults due to pre-existing conditions. And it ultimately will reduce the deficit over the long haul (20 years). But with all the Republican opposition to this, I just wanted to share a few articles/commentaries I've read from a Christian perspective that have some interesting food for thought.

They reflect in part my own thoughts and really answer the question of why I am not a "conservative" Christian but proudly a progressive, liberal, whatever youw ant to call me Christian. I don't fit squarely in the liberal box, and I don't like the way conservatives peg "liberals" (especially the likes of the Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter - but I give most conservative Christians a bit more credit then those outspoken and mean-spirited hypocrites). Frankly, I don't understand in any part of my mind, soul or heart how the Republican party has come to be the party of most Christians. It in so many ways opposes the fundamental teachings of Jesus. Here are a few articles that reflect my reasons why. I'd be very interested in your thoughts on these, especially knowing what those who are politically conservative Christians think after you read them.

A MUST-READ for Christians: "Why Conservative Christians So Often Fail the Common Good (Part 2)" by Richard T. Hughes a Religion Professor at Messiah College. ~ Quite simply this is a brilliant and important essay about the Christian faith. Not just important but must-read for anyone who calls themself a Christian, in my opinion, in the modern world! And here's part 1.

Another - "I can't think of one religious reason against health care reform. can you?" Great piece by Paul Raushenbush, an American Baptist minister, Editor of the Huffington Post's Religion section

But I'm going to give a bit more thought to this one which doesn't have to do with healthcare but with Glenn Beck and his not-so-long-ago tirade against churches promoting social justice. Glenn Beck Vs. God: The Bible Speaks For Itself by Christian ethicist Dr. David Gushee.

Gushee posts several Bible verses on justice in contrast to Glenn Beck's tirade against churches that preach about social justice. He includes one of my all-time favorite verses, "What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8)" As Gushee says, "There really is no theme more central to biblical faith than the matter of justice." Although I would argue grace would be most central, he's right that when it comes to what Jesus actually preached and taught, I agree.

I have often wondered myself why Christians - or churches for that matter - so often fail to actually teach and preach what Jesus did in terms of vocal opposition to hypocritical religious leaders. No one wants to call a spade a spade, but Jesus had no qualms with it. Instead certain religious leaders lambast those outside the faith with differing beliefs, or lump "liberals" into one category (a bad one), while almost always ignoring the vile hypocrisy spouted in the name of Christianity at times (it's been up to the atheists to notice and discuss it, and that has given them great ammunition against the Christian faith). Now I'm not criticizing all Christianity, and certainly not Jesus and the Bible, or I wouldn't be a Christian. I have seen great depths of love coming from the Christian church aka the body of believers and it's why I love this faith now more than ever. Things that come to mind - Christian radio (KSBJ), Beth Moore, Women of Faith, Philip Yancey, Anne Lamott, and my own personal church all promote and practice brotherly and selfless love, kindness, mercy, and self-reflection.

At any rate, Gushee highlights 4 ways that Jesus confronted injustice (with key passages):

1. Jesus confronted the injustice of greed and gross economic exploitation and unfairness. He demanded/invited justice for the poor and hungry (Luke 16:19-31).
   
   
2. Jesus confronted the injustice of domination and bullying and demanded/invited his followers to exercise power in the form of mutual servanthood (Mt. 20:25-26).
   
   
3. Jesus confronted the injustice of violent killing and demanded/invited peacemaking (Mt. 23:37-39).
   
   
4. Jesus confronted the injustice of exclusion from community and demanded/invited into existence a new kind of community in which everyone has a place at the table. (Luke 5:27-32).

And just for kicks, here's just another great resource, Politifact.com,which won the 2009 Pulitzer Prize. It's slogan is "Sorting out the truth in politics."

the bread of life

A green tree frog at Martin Dies, Jr. State Park in East Texas.
Copyright (c) 2005 Wendee Holtcamp

I had been wondering why God had me so excited about food these days, and while I don't have the complete answer, one thing was revealed to me in my morning bible study today. I'm doing Experiencing God with a group of awesome women at my church (which I am thoroughly enjoying) and today one of the exercises involved reading over the "names" of God in the Bible and seeing which we relate to, or recognize in our interactions with Him. One that stood out to me was the Bread of Life. Of course this relates to when Jesus said, "I am the Bread of Life" (or specifically, "Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35) and that relates back to when Moses had led the Israelites out of Egypt where they were enslaved and to the promised land of Canaan. Only they kind of screwed up and God had them stay in the desert for 40 years.

That's a very true-to-life scenario in life, it seems to me that sometimes due to our own mess-ups, we end up in a desert place. Sometimes we end up there due to circumstances totally beyond our control, but often we are involved in the desertification of our own lives... At any rate while in the desert God would send "manna" from heaven which was some sort of sweet flaky bread-like stuff. ("Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day" Exodus 16:4)

It was just enough to eat and so they didn't starve but not enough to be sated. In Deuteronomy later in the bible, it says, "He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD."

I have always related to that, because it's how God delivers spiritual wisdom most often, and how He provides for our physical sustenance in the hard times. Somehow He has always come through, at least in my life, and no matter how hard it is or how challenging something happens - a check arrives, some unexpected help, a new assignment. And since I've totally grooved on food lately that one struck me! Enough of the Bible lesson, onto the recipes! Oh but first, I wanted to mention that the last few nights have been really good for endangered Houston toad breeding! This bit won't make it into my article, and I'm excited for the toads! After several really bad years, it's shaping up to most likely be a good season for them.

This first recipe was utterly divinely delicious. So simple and healthy. I already blogged about leeks but baking them this way just was sooo awesome. I worried they may overwhelm the sweet potatoes but not at all. They were very mild and sweet.

Baked Leek and Sweet Potato Gratin
3 medium leeks, white and light green parts chopped (6 cups)
1 1/2 Tbs. olive oil, divided3 cloves garlic, minced (1 Tbs.)
3 Tbs. chopped fresh rosemary, divided
2 medium sweet potatoes (2 lb.), peeled and cut into 1/8-inch-thick slices
1/3 cup low-sodium vegetable broth
3 Tbs. Italian seasoned dry breadcrumbs
2 Tbs. finely grated Romano cheese, optional

1. Preheat oven to 450°F. Coat 10-inch round pan with cooking spray.
2. Heat 1 Tbs. oil in nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add leeks, garlic, and 1 1/2 Tbs. rosemary; sauté 8 minutes, or until softened. Season with salt and pepper, if desired.

3. Arrange one-third sweet potato slices over bottom of prepared pan, overlapping slightly. Spread half of leek mixture on top. Arrange another one-third sweet potato slices over leeks; top with remaining leeks, followed by remaining sweet potatoes. Drizzle broth over dish. Cover pan with foil, and bake 35 minutes.

4. Stir together breadcrumbs, remaining 1 1/2 tsp. oil, remaining 1 1/2 Tbs. rosemary, and Romano cheese, if desired, in small bowl. Remove foil from gratin, and sprinkle with breadcrumb mixture. Bake, uncovered, 15 minutes, or until breadcrumbs are browned and crisp. Let gratin cool slightly before cutting into 8 wedges and serving.

Here's the sweet potato slices going in. One top of the first and second layer goes a layer of leeks. And then it's topped by more sweet potatoes and then some bread crumbs and parmesan cheese, then drizzled with vegetable broth.
This is a bit out I chopped leeks in half moons, as the recipe called for. This is the Pampered Chef knife - the only good knife I have. It's sturdy and awesome!
After rinsing, it calls to spin the leeks in a salad spinner, which I had thanks to Doug's Christmas present!
The recipe says that you should soak the chopped leeks to ensure that you get all the dirt off. Then you rinse it in a strainer.
I did this damage all in the same day I made it. YUM! It was sooo good, and so good for you and low fat too!
Just wanted to share a cool find from Target. I try to drink decaf as much as possible, and all my grocery stores had stopped carrying organic decaf. I used to get Newman's Own but they discontinued carrying the decaf version. I had read that coffee growing uses a lot of chemicals, so I try to buy organic where possible. I don't mind paying a little more to support organic growers, and I really love when I find a fair trade brand as well. So imagine my delight, after having to go back to non-organic decaf for a few weeks, when I found this - Fair Trade, organic decaf - and only $7.99!
And here is a picture of my completely overstuffed freezer! Remember it was emptied out after Hurricane Ike, since we had no electricity for almost two weeks. How did it get so full again? I am on a mission to eat the frozen veggies and stuff in my freezer! The problem is that I will find recipes that use the ingredients in the freezer but require me also to buy new stuff! :)

Maundy Thursday and what love is

~ Hugs are beautiful ~
Copyright (c) 2008 Wendee Holtcamp

Yesterday I attended my church's Maundy Thursday service. One of the associate pastors gave the sermon and he's a very animated character and I always get a laugh or two during his sermons. I must admit I had never even heard of Maundy Thursday until I moved to Houston over a decade ago. For those who don't know it is the day Christians celebrate four things: the last supper at which Jesus started what would become Holy Communion, Jesus washing his disciples feet, Jesus' private agony in the Garden of Gethsemene because he knew he was about to be crucified, and the betrayal of Christ by Judas Iscariot.

Most of the Maundy Thursday services I've attended have always focused on the last supper and the washing of feet. The time before Jesus' crucifixion was Passover and he took his disciples to a private room where he shared the Passover meal. The beautiful messages that follow in the gospel of John are known as the Upper Room Discourse. I absolutely love this part of the Bible, as it's very comforting to read Jesus words. He is so wise and kind.

Anyway, so you may have heard that Jesus washed his disciples feet. Well that was something that slaves did in that day, and Jesus was a teacher and it was unheard of for him to do something like that. So most of the disciples allowed him to, but when he got to Peter, who is very passionate and got out of line quite a bit, he said something like "No Jesus you will not wash my feet!" And Jesus replies, "If you don't let me wash your feet, you have no part in me." To which Peter then replies, in a complete reversal, "Then wash all of me, my head and hands too!"

You gotta laugh. He thinks he's being humble by turning down the offer of Jesus to wash his feet, but Jesus puts him in his place. Then he goes overboard the other way, ok Jesus wash all of me, thinking he's just the most dedicated disciple ever. But Jesus puts him in his place once again, saying that once you're clean, you only need to wash the feet.

I don't think I've ever heard my pastors preach on this what I'm about to say but I read it somewhere, or maybe I just discovered it on my own, I don't honestly remember. But the washing of feet and the conversation with Peter is so clearly talking about forgiveness within Christianity. Once we've accepted the way of Christ, as we understand it, our "whole soul" is clean. Our sins are forgiven, past present and future. Yet when we go walking around the streets, living our daily lives, we get "dirt" in our lives, and on our feet. We say things in passion, that we regret. We judge. We are not patient. We curse. We yell. We leave things unsaid, or undone. We sin. We may need forgiveness, but it's not the all-encompassing grace, because we've already received that. It's just a daily dose of foot washing type forgiveness by turning to our God and asking Him to clean us, to forgive us. But all we need on our continuing journey of faith is to wash our feet, to daily come to have Jesus wash our feet clean and return to the way of love.

I asked my friends what love meant to them and here are some things they shared.

• "Love is friendship set on fire." - Jeremy Taylor
  
  
• God (1 John 4:8)
  
  
• Caring more about their growth than your, or their, happiness. Not caring about them more than caring about ourselves. fine distinction.
  
  
• Love in marriage is both sides giving 100%, Love in relationships of friends & family means .... well it really is 1 cor. 13 but also in Psalm 139 we are told how wonderfully God made us we never put ourselves down but we hope the best for that person. Check Philippians 4:4 ....only God can change a person and only God can fulfill everything. I think I cannot put it into one sentence.
  
  
• I think we can't love anyone else until we love ourselves 1st. An incomplete person doesn't know how to love in a healthy way, and we can't look to others to complete us. Loving ourselves means accepting our God-given beauty & intelligence, our spirit & ability to experience joy. Then to love another is to want to make that person Feel our love & commitment to them & our acceptance of them - to give them the gift of a life-partner who will always be there for them. I think that's what God intended for us.
  
  
• "Only love is" - A Course in Miracles
  
  
• Allowing your partner complete freedom, which means not being possessive. Fostering a relationship that allows a state of egolessness. Being supportive but not smothering.
  
  
• love, n. a confluence of neurochemical imbalances affecting the primitive "reptilian" areas of the brain and creating irrational and sometimes embarrassing behavior
  
  
• Love backwards evolve?
  
  
• The Meaning of Love~
  
  Both light and shadow are the dance of Love. Love has no cause; it is the astrolabe of God’s secrets. Lover and Loving are inseparableand timeless. Although I may try to describe Love when I experience it I am speechless. Although I may try to write about Love I am rendered helpless; my pen breaks and the paper slips away at the ineffable place where Lover, Loving and Loved are one. Every moment is made glorious by the light of Love. ~Rumi
  
  
• Love is indefinable. :)
  
  
• What is love according to kids 4-8 years old.
  
  
• Love is a feeling. Feelings are fleeting. Yet love can be a commitment. I know I'm a better person when I love. I wonder if it has everything to do with grace. Even though none of us deserve the love we get or want...Love is forgiveness, acceptance, awareness of the "us" in all things, enlightenment, the ah ha moment, and definitely worth opening ourselves to and giving to others. Its late, I'm rambling but I might be on to something.
  
  
• Honesty, trust, and it's okay to be totally yourself. I haven't found true love, but these are the things I've found are true, at least with friends and family. I am guessing that romantic love is similar...
  
  
• Love is effortless, love is being able to be fully who you are, love is playful, love is giving the other person the freedom to be who they are, non-judgement,allowing them to have their own experience even if it might not be your cup of tea.
  
  
• Love is God
  
  
• For me, something my mom said to me when I was with her before she died REALLY strikes me as what love really is. I asked her about the 'wives submit to the husband' thing & she said to me that she AND my dad submitted TO EACH OTHER....& that is REALLY how it is meant to me. .....If u think on that, love IS akin to rowing a boat....If you BOTH row forward, that IS where you will go.If only one 'rower' is in charge, you just go in circles.....So I believe that love IS MUTUAL SUBMISSION,non?
  
  
• Putting someone's needs before your own.
  
  
• I realize I don't have an easy definition. The closest I can come is, Love is commitment, ie giving your all and your best to a relationship, as consistently as humanly possible.
  
  
• I don't know what the heck love is ... the only kind I truly understand is the love I have for my daughter, which like Charlotte says, is effortless and playful. But this is my favorite love-related quote, and one I keep close by.
  
  

  Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. - Rainer Maria Rilke
  

  
  
• My personal favorite and my own choice for defining love:
  
  

  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

Jesus in a Thong? (forgive my irreverence)

A picture of me and my kids and my friend Ruthanne at Astroworld on my birthday several years ago, when my kids were a couple years older than their ages in the story below!

Jesus in a Thong? (forgive my irreverence)
by Wendee Holtcamp

"I think you need a belt, Savannah," I tell my seven-year old daughter. I can see her melon-colored panties peaking out an inch above the top of her jeans.

"I just like to show my underwear," she retorts.

We're sitting around the dinner table, about to have a slightly off-color conversation. Recalling an article I'd read about peek-a-boo thongs, I tell my husband, "The trend with teenagers now is to wear a thong so it can be seen outside the back of your jeans."

"Gross!" he contorts his face hideously. "Don't those things, like, go up your bottom?"

"What is a thong?" Savannah interrupts.

"Thongs are underwear that just have a string that, well, goes up your bottom," I explain.

"Eww," my five-year-old says. "They go up your butt?!"

"They don't exactly go up your butt," I say, trying not to burst out laughing. "They just go in your butt crack." As soon as I say it, I know I probably shouldn't have. I'm not one to pretend such things don't exist, but I'm really wondering how this conversation will affect our urgent attempts to convince Sam to stop saying the word butt all the time.

"Let's stay on the side of Jesus now," my husband pleads.

I can't help cracking up. "I don't think Jesus minds thongs," I say.

"Jesus would not wear a thong!" he demands.

"I have a thong," I say, trying to change my mental image of Jesus in a thong.

Savannah's eyes perk up. "I want to see it!"

"I don't wear it very often, it's not very comfortable." I'm mentally recalling the hilarious line from Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues where the woman with the "angry" vagina is cursing thongs.

"Can I see it? Pleeeeease!" she begs.

"Ok, ok, I'll show you later. It's no big deal."

"I think it's time to steer this conversation back on track," my husband says.

Later that night, as I'm tucking Sam into bed, I'm certain that our strange conversation has been forgotten. We're saying our nightly prayer, and then he leans over and whispers in my ear, "It's so funny that they go up your b-u-t-t-c-r-a-c-k," Sam giggles.

I sigh. At least he didn't say the word. He spelled it.

stop the hate

And God said to me, Write:
Leave the cruelty to kings.
Without that angel barring the way to love
there would be no bridge for me
into time.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

I disabled anonymous comments because of someone sending hateful ones. What is the point? I mean, don't we have enough hate in the world? Hate sin, love the sinner. If you don't agree with me, or worse if you think my "salvation" is in question - shouldn't you show me love and patience and mercy, as Jesus would? Are you really acting as a good messenger of God's will and God's incredible merciful love by sending anonymous hateful comments?

There was a long political comment I planned to reply to in a post but I have not had time to compose a thoughtful and lengthy reply it deserves (Because it was SO far out there, with so many errors, it will take some time to gather up a response that is not just "my opinion"). So, quit the hate. Quit the insults. What is the point? This person said that "How could I call myself a Christian" etc (if I support Obama) - a couple quick points. I don't. God does. Christ does. Even if I'm "wrong" He says, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God, and we are not saved by what I do or what I believe or my theology, but by grace. That's good enough for me.

Look! It's a photo of what hell is going to look like! All the Obama supporters worshipping the anti-Christ socialist! Black, white, Hispanic... what a mix, what a great crowd for the fiery inferno. (Oops there goes my sarcasm valve flapping open again...)

And if you're sending "anonymous" letters and telling me I do not have courage (because I don't post your hateful anonymous comment), umm... isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? Why don't you just have a conversation with me. A respectful one. You're welcome to disagree. This is my blog, my forum, and I can put my opinions and thoughts and analyses. If you don't like it, don't read it. And I can choose to not allow in the negativity and hate from a "so-called Christian." A wise man once said... Look at the plank within your own eye.... I suggest you follow this wisdom! I know who you are. I have your IP address.

gratitude and transformation

I am going to bed "early" tonight. It's midnight. Last time I said that on this blog I actually ended up in bed at 2am. So much for early. However tomorrow I have a 9:30am coffee date with a friend who is in town, so I have to be somewhat presentable. Normally when I get up at 7am to take the kids to school I wear my pajamas, and am all disheveled which doesn't matter because I just climb back in bed as soon as I get home. I am NOT a morning person. Repeat: I hate mornings! bleh! However I can stay up 'til 4am without any trouble like I did last night.

I have been scrambling like mad to get travel itineraries confirmed, and all the little annoying details so that I feel nominally in control of my life for the travel craziness to ensue. Cars to rent, plane tickets to buy, lodging and skiiing to arrange, scheduling people I'm going to meet with, and all that jazz, and for 2 big trips not just one. Oh and did I mention that I have 2 deadlines plus I'm teaching 2 writing classes right now? And holy crapola also income taxes are due before I leave, which for the self employed entails 9 gajillion forms?! Aye yi yi (how the heck do you spell that anyway?!)

On another note, every morning I read this devotion "Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only" by Beth Moore (who is awesome by the way) and today the lesson was on the parable of the ten lepers who Jesus healed together, but only 1 came back and thanked Jesus. It's all about gratitude, peeps.

"Jesus said, 'Were not 10 cleansed? Where are the nine? Didn't any return to give glory to God except this foreigner'" (Luke 17:17-18)

I find it interesting for 2 reasons. Not only was it the non-religious person ("foreigner") who came back thankful (similar to how the Good Samaritan was considered a "foreigner"), it's also so true that so many remain ungrateful for the blessings and answered prayers and healings in their lives. Or they fail to give the glory to God. I'm trying to teach my kids about being thankful, because it also relates to complaining, which Jesus also talked about and my kids do quite a bit of!! This is a pretty tough statement but it's what the good book says:

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..."Philippians 2:14-16a

That is a beautiful passage. The lesson today speaks about being changed from the inside out. How the presence of the Holy Spirit of God changes a person physically and spiritually to the point where others can tell a difference. I know without a doubt I have been. And I hope to continue to be changed from the inside out, being transformed daily to be more and more like Jesus. Because He is radically awesome! And I am still sometimes pretty pitiful and whiny and insecure and bitchy and all kinds of unpretty things. But my general lifestyle has changed from darkness to light in so many ways.

Related to this though is another lesson a few weeks back that really spoke to me. It was on the woman who poured perfume on Jesus' feet and how the Pharisee, the teacher of religion, thought "if Jesus only knew what kind of woman this was" he would never let her pour perfume on his feet. Course Jesus read his mind and said, "Simon I have somewhat to say unto thee" which sounds kinda funny because that is the King James Version but I think it's funny and cool. Mista I got somewhat to say to you!

And what Jesus had to say was, lookee here mister, and then he told a parable about two men with cancelled debts. Who was more grateful? It was the one who had the larger debt cancelled. The woman who had sinned more and lived a more depraved life was truly grateful and loved Jesus (and hence God) deeply, whereas the righteous religious teacher had externally lived properly but inside his heart was cold and judgmental. Beth says something that I have long believed to be true, "I am learning that my heart and mind are of greater importance to Him than my words and deeds."

Two people can do the same behaviors, but the heart can be in totally different places. And those who have lived lives of "depravity" and who have turned their lives around, transformed from the inside out by God's love - even if they don't recognize it as such - can end up so eternally grateful. (but maybe only 1 in 10?) Sometimes the transformation is not yet complete and others are out there still pointing fingers and judging. I also have some friends, or family of friends, who are still on the path of pain and sin and hurting themselves and others, which is so destructive and painful to watch. And I sometimes see judgmental self-righteous people, who are also killing themselves from within (I think Jesus calls them full of dead bones!). The path is narrow that leads to life! But it's not the path of self-righteousness or perfection or sinlessness, but the path of love, grace, and truth. Amen!