We're not broken, just bent

Lake McKenzie, Fraser Island, Australia
(c) Wendee Nicole 2008

I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
...
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
- Pink, Just Give Me a Reason

The 4th of July - Independence Day - used to be my favorite holiday. I've blogged before about this, but as a kid, I always spent summers with my dad, and on the 4th he'd usually go to a party in town where we'd watch fireworks on the Columbia river. When I was really little fireworks scared me, and I'd bury my head in his strong loving arms. But as I got older I loved the fireworks and the Oregon summer air and being together with my brother (who I didn't live with except in the summer) and my dad. It was like my family was together only during these summertimes. Now, holidays alone are hard for me. Yesterday was tough. Independence day just reminds me that I am "independent" ie single. Most of the time I am perfectly fine with that, and enjoy my solitude, and hanging with friends and doing my work, but on holidays when my close friends leave town to spend time with their families and I'm left alone it can be tough. And as I near the empty nest when both my kids will be gone from under my roof (only my son is there now), the prospect of facing life alone for the rest of my days can feel daunting. (It is also a factor in why I have decided to apply for grad school - I want to challenge myself and reinvent my career and do more for people who might be suffering or struggling in the world than I feel I can do through my writing alone).

At any rate, yesterday I felt really alone and reached out to someone who did not respond quite as I had hoped. At first the lack of response was ok for me, but it turned to a bit of a downer today when I got a more abrupt message. My heart felt saddened, and after a cry and a nice hot bath, I decided that this was a job for mama-love! I really have healed my relationship with my mom tremendously over the past year, mostly because I now have a teenager and it made me appreciate the hell I put my mom through and all the ways that I held a silly grudge over things she did her best on, and I truly forgave things from my childhood from my heart. I had meant to blog about this before, but didn't get to it... so here it is. And my mom isn't that old, but you just never know when a parent might go, and I absolutely would and will be heartbroken. Because of our healing, I feel a new closeness to my mom, and wish she was even closer so we could spend more time together.

So here I am, in Dallas visiting for a bit, and on the drive up this evening I felt that I needed to listen to the final CD of the audio-book of The Shack (an amazing book!) for the third time, and it was exactly what I needed to hear! This is a fictional story of a guy named Mackenzie (Mac) whose young daughter Missy is kidnapped and brutally murdered. He eventually goes to the "shack" where she was killed and there, ends up spending several days with three characters: Papa (God) who is a black woman, Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) represented as an ethereal sparkly Asian woman, and Jesus. At the end of the story, it turns out he was in a coma from a car accident, but the time spent with the trinity was genuine because he was able to locate Missy's body from what he had learned over the course of the days. Throughout the book, the time Mac spends with each of the characters is awesome and illuminating; Mac learns about faith and doubt, and how much God loves us as a beautiful chaotic mess. For example, they show Mac a messy flower garden to represent his heart and soul. One of my favorite lines is where Papa likes to say about everyone that comes up in conversation "I am especially fond of ____." Feeling loved by God is so hard sometimes, but as Beth Moore says, until we can feel deeply loved by God, we cant love God with our whole hearts and minds and soul and strength. It's a process of letting go and of asking to feel loved - hard because people often transpose God with our own fathers or caregivers or experiences in life.

There was a scene in that last part of the book I listened to where Papa brought Mac to the cave where the killer had put Missy's young body and, I blogged about a couple posts ago, I have personified love that never really had a full chance to grow as a baby in utero that died (I promise this isnt gruesome! But helpful and healing!); it has helped me process the loss. So during this scene Papa asks Mac to forgive the killer and Mac of course struggles with his anger and his feelings of desiring revenge and justice, and it was so poignant for me because when I am upset with people sometimes and especially when I feel a sense of injustice - I think this is fairly common - I want to let that person know how they made me feel, and in the process the words can hurt them. I learned through some counseling that is actually a form of "revenge" - who knew? Like, if they could just understand how much they hurt me, they would feel bad, understand, and make it better or fix it. In my experience it has never worked out that way. They feel bad, and then get upset themselves. Anyway, so of course a form of anger is a normal stage of grieving and mourning the loss of anything, and I had gone through that stage but in the past weeks had reached a more peaceful acceptance and had felt pretty good until this reaching out episode....

But hearing that dialogue between Papa and Mac, when he said out loud he forgave the killer - and that did not mean that it was OK what he did, or that he had to have a relationship with the person. But Papa (God) said that He loved the killer because he was His child. He didn't love what the killer had become, but He loved him "for the broken child twisted by his pain." If only we could see those who hurt us in small ways and big through these loving eyes of grace! If we could really live this out in life! How powerful that would be. Papa said there is power in speaking and declaring forgiveness out loud, and so I turned the CD off and spoke out loud that I forgave that person for the very few things I still felt any upset over, and then I realized what I mostly needed was to forgive myself and to truly accept God's forgiveness for my own mistakes in this, and so I spoke that - I said God I accept your forgiveness for... all these things. I cried, and it was so poignant and beautiful. And then I continued to listen to the end of the book, and just like Mac with his flood of joy upon forgiveness, I literally felt this warmth and this peacefulness come over me. I felt like I had such deep love for this person and there was no desire to control the outcome anymore, and just a deep feeling of extending God's grace to him, and to myself.

At the same time, God called to mind during that thought process that He had raised the dead to life for more than one person (Lazarus, for example) who had been in their grave for multiple days. I know that God can heal all things - it is His very nature-- Jehovah Rapha or God who heals. I know that when there are two people who live grace and love God, there is nothing that can keep God from performing His healing work between them because God is love, and God's whole story is about reconciliation. It has been true between my mom and I, and between my daughter and I, and I know that in time, it will also be true - in whatever capacity that God wants - between my friend and I. Until then I rest in my prayers and the love I hold in my heart.

On a final note - how amazing God is! - I had found that image at the top completely randomly by searching through my photos as I do and I picked that one because of the bent trees growing towards one another and that represented the lyrics in the Pink song I quote. I actually thought it was Lake Wabby, but when I googled it, it turns out that lake is actually LAKE MCKENZIE!! How freaking weird is that!!! I had forgotten there even WAS a Lake McKenzie... Twilight zone!! God is at work... Wishing grace and peace to all you pumpkins! Have a great weekend.

feeling the pain

Me when I was 2.

Today was not so good. I was just reading a friend's blog about how last summer she left her kids home with her husband for a summer while she found herself, and later wrote a memoir about it, but hasn't been able to sell it so far, and one agent said she felt readers would not be able to get past the fact that she left her kids.

This is what I think: I can't tell you how much I wish my mom would have taken time away from me to find herself.

My own dad left my mom when I was 1, and moved to Oregon to buy his own land and log cabin, because as he tells me, he knew he had to have something left in his soul to give to us kids. He feared if he stayed in L.A. and married, he would die inside and would have nothing to give. And to this day, the land he lives on and the life he taught us - voluntary simplicity and living from the land - is the ONLY part of my childhood (besides my friends) that has nourished me and 'saved my life.'

When I left my husband, it was a similar sort of thing I think. I thought I would lose my mind if I stayed. I didn't like who I was becoming. I needed to break free. And I did, and I've grown in so many positive ways. In the end, I wish I had been able to grow in this way within the marriage, and maybe time away would have done the trick but that's not the road I chose. Now, I travel a lot away from my kids and think some people may think negatively about that. But my kids see I have my own life, and love my career, and their friends think it's cool what I do, and they are starting to also. :) I believe if we're attuned to our inner wisdom and to God's voice within, He always steers us toward what we need to heal. And by healing ourselves, we can give greater love to our children and nurture them to become the people God intended them to be.

I'm deeply grateful this Thanksgiving Eve that it is with the grace and the power of God that I can rise above the darkness that clouded my past, that I can see the lies, bitterness, jealousy, small-mindedness, manipulation and cruelty for what it was and is. I do not have to live in denial. Horrible things take place in this world, without doubt, in the most tender of places - of mothers to children. Mothers should not slap their little children's faces. Mothers should not wash their children's mouths out with soap. Mothers should not tell their children "Why are you tearing your family apart" because as an 8-year old they want to live with their dad. Mothers should apologize when they make mistakes. A family home should not be filled daily with yelling and screaming. A childhood home should not be a war zone. And mothers should not call their children "bitches."

And so here I sit, not numb anymore to the pain but feeling it. I can't live in her rubber and glue black kettle war zone anymore. I dissent from that kind of life. People have a right, even a responsibility, to tell one another when something they do bothers them. But there's never an ok time to name-call. I have talked to people who had normal families, and there are some people who just do not get it, the amount of pain that it gives a child to grow up in a home where the people who are supposed to love and protect you ignore you, insult you, and make you feel bad about yourself and then deny that they're doing it. It's confusing and maddening. I've also known many amazing people to rise above such soul-crushing circumstances to become amazing, brave, generous and compassionate human beings.

questions and answers

Ornate door in Durbar Square, Kathmandu, Nepal
Copyright (2) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me." -Ann Landers

I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer. -Rainer Maria Rilke

The second quote is on a card that is on my desk. I don't read it often, although I love what it says. Very apropos. I am dealing with some issues in my life right now that are pretty intense. When I go through the intensity, I feel at once both strong and vulnerable, but I also tend to react strongly to perceived slights during times like these. More acts of self-sabotage, I guess. It's the old pendulum swing of reactions and emotions. Like most children of abuse, I tended to keep the important most vulnerable things to myself as a child, and yet particularly as I became a teenager I would also react verbally when I felt slighted. This has a tendency to push people away.

I think that in some ways, we have a very unhealthy society, because people do not seem able to communicate in a healthy way in any sort of conflict or disagreement of ideas. I am learning that I have a way too idealistic view of people. I see the model that Jesus set up - forgive not 7 times but 7 x 7, always forgive, always be merciful, as your Father in heaven is merciful. I want to believe that people will be forgiving and understanding and will always be there to work things through - especially those who care about me. It seems like that is just not always the case. Or, I should say, not usually the case. I used to think the problem was them, but I am learning that I have unrealistic expectations in this regard. I think that people's emotions are fragile, and people have their own boundaries that are not always clearly visible, and we can cross them without realizing it. And when we tell others that our boundaries have been violated, we must take great care to know how and when to do so, if that relationship is one that we treasure. This is one of those lessons I am learning, and that I will continue to learn. I am living the questions, I don't have all (or most of) the answers.

And I know that I fail again and again to follow the idealistic standards I would like to live by myself. I'm pretty good at forgiveness and working through stuff, but I am not so good at sitting in my discomfort - which includes "not knowing," and feeling slighted. I want to fix things. I want to speak up for myself. As a child, no one took care of many of my needs so I learned to take care of my own self. I learned that if I needed something done, I would just do it myself - even when others said it couldn't be done. But sometimes, I'm learning, that what I need to do is "do nothing." The most challenging part of that is not knowing for sure that is what needs doing! If God would just send a billboard, please! :)

i hit a goose today

I hit a goose today with my car. It was really ugly. It was walking straight across a 4-lane busy road. What was it thinking? It was a domestic goose that lives at a pond built next to a suburban neighborhood. In springtime they walk back and forth across the busy road with their ducklings. Being domestic geese, they do not fly much. This one was particularly ugly. It was mostly black with some white feathers, but had all these ooky red bumpy tubercles on its nose. Erm, I mean its bill. I totally slowed down to avoid hitting it, but I could not stop completely because I was about to be rear-ended. I really thought I'd avoided the darn goose when I heard a loud THWACK on the right side of my car. I had to keep driving so the car behind me didn't hit me, but I stole a quick glance over to the side, and there it was, standing on the side of the road, flapping its wings, like damn, that hurt. I felt bad. But apparently not bad enough to stop.

On a seemingly unrelated but actually related note, my mom came in town today to go watch Savi's play competition of "I Never Saw Another Butterfly" (which by the way she did awesome in as the lead role of Raja, and the team got 2nd place and she got a medal for "All Star Cast"!)

My mom and I can usually not stay in the same location for more than 24 hours without driving eachother batshit crazy. We're complete opposites, and not in a ying and yang kind of way. I'd say it's maybe getting a little better lately but maybe we just have learned a somewhat safe emotional distance. We bump up against one another and pull away more quickly without the huge knock-down dragouts of my childhood. Though we still get the claws out and raaaarrrr at one another a bit. So today as usual we got a little stress out at each other. I was worried we were going to be late for Savi's play and I was like Mom can you at least drive 5 miles over the speed limit?! You are driving like a grandma! She was like "I am NOT going to speed. We will get there just fine!" (and of course after she got home she emailed me a thing on speeding and someone killing a kid who sped... aye yi yi).

As we approached downtown, driving mostly in silence, she told me I should apologize to her since we were, in fact, going to be on time. I actually was about to apologize as a matter of fact, and I said Mom you never apologize. You raised your voice too. I said why don't you apologize? She said, I do apologize, you have short memory. I said, Mom I'm not sure you have ever apologized about anything in your whole life! I don't think you know how to apologize! She said, sure I have. I said, OK apologize for something right now. She goes, "OK I'm sorry that you felt that I..." I interrupted. MOM! You can not apologize that I felt something! She said, well what do you want me to apologize for? And I said, I don't know. Anything! Can't you think of anything you did in raising me to apologize for? She said, no, I can't think of anything right now off the top of my head. I said well what about right now! You can apologize for raising your voice at me. After about five minutes of conversation perhaps, darned if she didn't actually do it!! I about fell out of the car.

Maybe it was because I'd gotten mad when she wouldn't apologize I told her that really when you are unable to apologize you are placing yourself as the God in your life. She said that was totally inappropriate. But I said every situation has two people and even when one person thinks they are 100% right there is always some way to look at the contribution to the problem and apologize even if just for the sake of improving the relationship. Jesus died to forgive us, and tells us to forgive even if someone sins against us 7 times 77 in day and asks for forgiveness. We must forgive. And it's the central theme of receiving grace, that we also must humble ourselves enough to say we're sorry and need forgiveness. I said to her, mom, I do things wrong all the time and I just apologize and try to right them.

Anyway, on another note I also was observing in myself that when I am around her, I have this wall up. We hug and say "I love you" but there's not a closeness. I might say there never has been, and that may be true, but it's more like I almost ignore her to some extent. Maybe because of fear of allowing myself to get so close that I get my buttons pushed which I generally refuse to do these days as I leave a situation before it gets that way. Maybe fear of being hurt more myself from the situation. But I got to thinking that I do not treat my friends like that. I treasure my friends, and go out of my way to show them I love them, and do nice things for them and send supportive loving emails and visit them and spend time with them. I once heard the saying that we love God only as much as the person we like least. And I think that although I certainly don't consider my mom the person "I like least" I probably treat her the worst. Well not's like I beat her with a stick or anything... come on people! But you know what I mean - I think. I don't show her enough that I treasure her, and that I love her, and that she is beautiful and wonderful the way I know Jesus thinks of her. So I will have to work on this. The question is, do I feel "bad enough to stop"? Or to "start" offering healing love and grace?

On a totally unrelated note, I got (eye) contacts for the first time the other day, and I love them! However I'm still a bit squeemish about taking the darn things out. I have noticed that when I am sitting there on my bathroom counter trying to get it out, I am saying to myself, "For God's Sake Wendee you can pick up frogs and snakes and rats, get a hold of yourself and stick our finger in that cotton-pickin eyeball!!

I have to go do that right now.