Reflections on the jungle, love & life

The Costa Rican rainforest near Braulio Carillo National Park
Copyright (c) 2011 Wendee Holtcamp

On this day, God wants you to know ... that your love is a gift to the world. Let your love radiate out to all you meet. Let your love touch the hearts of people you don't even know. Let your love reach to the far corners of the earth. Love is what is saving the world.
- From a silly Facebook app but so beautiful!

Upon returning to Houston from the jungles of Costa Rica, I found myself going to the grocery store, walking through the parking lot, and I just had this overwhelming feeling of "living in Houston is so mundane!" I have never been shy about my feelings about living here. I'm here only because I share custody with my ex-husband, and because I vowed to not do what my parents did; that is, move halfway across the country from one another and force the kid to commute back and forth on jet-planes. I wanted my kids to have the stability of having both parents nearby, and of growing up in one place, something I never had moving from place to place every couple years (hence, the bohemian was born! But I digress).

To be sure, Houston burbs are a good, safe place to raise kids. It has low cost of living and I have a beautiful home and some amazing friends. I have a healthy balanced life. But that's not enough for me. I want a bigger life - not just the occasional adventure that I take, but a life that is, itself, an adventure. I'm not sure what that may be yet, but I have a short two and one half years here before both of my kids will have fledged the nest. Oh, my it makes me tear up when I really think about it! But it will give me the freedom to leave this place and find a new home, and a new life, and a new mission for the next chapter of my life.

What will I do? Travel around the world for a year? Go on a mission trip? Move to another country - Australia maybe, or Costa Rica? Go back to graduate school? The world is my oyster. I only know that I don't want it to be a vain search for adventure for adventure's sake. I want to do something that makes a difference. I love to write, and I love my career but sometimes I wonder, does any of this make any difference to anyone? And why is supporting myself such a struggle? (I know, I should go Occupy downtown Houston right!)

But I am in a very good place. I feel happy and content and life is good, really good! I am blessed. I look forward to the chapters of my life yet to unfold.
And last, I want to share with you the two podcasts and slideshows that I did for Adventures in Climate Change/The Wendee Holtcamp Report! Please visit, listen, view and comment!

• In the first, A Sustainable Adventure in Costa Rica I discuss the Planet, People, Peace (P3) conference on sustainable tourism, as well as some of the cool sustainable ag education happening at Earth University, where the conference was held.
• The second, Living Large Without a Carbon Footprint talks about the Selva Bananito Ecolodge & Preserve and why they deserve 5-leafs for sustainability from the Costa Rican government - the maximum level.

life moves on

This is at Eisenhower State Park. It was so cool!
Copyright (c) 2010 Wendee Holtcamp

Do you ever have those times in your life when you have so much to say, and so much overwhelming stuff going on that you don't know *what* to say? Now is one of those times for me. So that's why, I suppose, I haven't blogged that much. I feel strong and confident about my future and am resting in the Lord's grace and love (trying to feel His love is a challenge for me so I'm working on that).

Christmas was, well, Christmas. I did get to go to Chuck Swindoll's Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco, Texas on Christmas Eve! It was cool to see the man with his voice in person. The service was only 30 minutes long and all he and another guy on the stage did was to read the Christmas story interspersed with Christmas songs. It was not all that spectacular to me. I wanted to go to his service on the following Sunday, but that was not a great day... nuf said.

And then I went up to North Texas for a travel piece I'm doing on Lake Texoma. It was cold but fun! I stayed the first night at the Rancho Sereno Bed & Breakfast, which is run by a couple who raise reining horses. The Red River Valley area of Texas is like the world's headquarter's for raising and training horses for competitive events like reining, because of the sandy loam soil. I am not a big horse person myself, but it was really interesting, and a beautiful place to stay. The next two nights I got a tower room at Tanglewood Resort, a place that has been around since the 1940s! The tower is a 7-story "tower" and each room is its own suite with a 360-degree view. At the top is a lounge where people can hang out with a great view of the lake. I think the best part was the awesome massage I got while there at the Tranquility Spa! The owner, Johanna, creates all the products herself and I got a couple of the bath salts and they smell AMAZING and the prices very reasonable. She apparently has a new line of organic baby care products coming out too. Not that I need that!

While staying in North Texas, I went birdwatching at Hagerman National Wildlife Refuge (we saw quite a bit!), and went out on Lake Texoma in frigid weather with awesome fishing guide Chris with Striper Express - he knew exactly where the fish were! See the pic below with a ginormous striped bass and yours truly. OK I didn't catch it, but still... Then we ate some yummy food at De Happy Cajun Restaurant. I also stopped in at Eisenhower State Park - which is absolutely gorgeous. I didn't expect that. The lake - which is on the border between Texas and Oklahoma and is a reservoir of the Red River - has these rugged cliff faces and rocky ledges you can climb around on at the state park and I explored around and sat watching the water in this one beautiful spot. The area has a lot of history too.

And now I'm back home and trying to have an incredibly productive January! While doing the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse, I "won" a 12-week goal setting course through Amy Ahler's Wake Up Call Coaching so I'm on week 1 now. I've set some goals for my new year in all areas of my life! I'll share some of those soon.

Our first exercise was to address where we are thriving and where we are merely "surviving" - and I was happy to say that in most of the areas of my life I am thriving! I am very grateful for that. My main goals have to do with breaking through the glass ceiling in the writing world (there are some prominent magazines I plan to start pitching and would like to break into), and in the financial realm as well. I also want to make sure to spend more time with my amazing children and to cherish these next 2 and 3 years they are home with me before going off to college (sad face). I am soooo proud of them! Both of them are in the top 1% of their classes! My daughter got chosen as team captain by her coach because she saw that Savi exhibited leadership skills - even though this is only her first year on the team. I saw her first home game tonight and it was freeezing cold but it was so cute seeing her out there playing and telling other players where to go on the field. :) And they won 4 to 1!!

This is the house that President Eisenhower grew up in. Notice the "white picket fence" - I wonder if it was actually white when he lived here?
This is one of two cabins at Rancho Sereno.
One of the horsies at Rancho Sereno.
Inside the rooms at Rancho Sereno. The photograph on the wall is of horses from the ranch.
This is a relatively dull shot of the scenery at Hagerman NWR. It was grey day, so nothing is vibrant but the birds were out in droves.
A shot of the cliff and the lake at Eisenhower SP
Another shot of the shoreline at Eisenhower SP
A pretty ginormous striped bass on Lake Texoma!

life and love

A fur seal pup in the Galapagos Islands. The mom leaves the pup alone while she feeds at sea, and comes back to shore and must to find the pup by its cries and scent. Sometimes I feel like the helpless alone pup like this - am I the only one?!
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

I have to admit, as I mentioned in a recent blog post, that I had been feeling pretty down lately - really a lot worse last week. It has been a lot of up and down over the past few months. This really is not all that new. We all have ups and downs, right, at least that's pretty standard for me. But I started feeling a real sadness in my soul and I couldn't quite identify where it came from. I also realize it's been a while since I have been very raw and honest on this blog, which is sort of my trademark. I decided when I started it that I would be open and honest about my feelings and about life. As I like to say, I want a life of radical honesty and transparency.

It becomes challenging to do so, though, when other people are involved. I can't write about my present feelings and emotions without mentioning the people who are intertwined in my life and who affect my moods. I don't want to do that to people who may not want to be talked about. I try not to talk about my children too much, to protect their privacy, and the same goes for those closest to me. I may tell stories about things that happen to me, but it's not obvious in any way who that story happened with. I do that on purpose. But when you're dating someone, as I am, it's kind of obvious who you're talking about! Right? After my break-up with the man from Australia I dated, I decided that although I may put photos and the like up, I wouldn't really talk extensively the personal nature of my relationship.

However it feels like it's time to say a little something. I am realizing that my downs have mostly been related to confusion and communication issues in this relationship. There's no doubt that they can have a real toll on the heart and soul and mood. I am someone who didn't really date much before I met my ex-husband, who I met at age 20 (and oh don't we think we are so old and worldy wise at 20?). My ex and I had a whirlwind romance, and were engaged after 6 months. We got married two years later but we lived together for nearly all those two years. And we were married for 10 years. The intensity of that closeness happening all so quickly had long-lasting effects on our relationship - not good ones. We didn't have a chance to learn one another's idiosyncracies slowly. Today, we are great friends and I'm so grateful for that. But we also shared a lot of communication breakdowns from the start.

During the marriage, we went to counseling and read books and I learned so much about communicating tools and techniques, and about the differences between men and women, and about prayer and about growing in spiritual maturity and understanding of my faith. And I learned, post-divorce, that a lot of what I may have once "blamed" on him turns out to have been a lot me all along. True there are always two people involved in every relationship. But it's also a good and illuminating thing to truly shine the light on oneself. However, it can also be very painful. And it is a lot easier to understand with one's mind than to implement them when it counts - in the heat of the moment.

Since my divorce I've really only dated a couple of people. And the relationships didn't last long, and the two more 'serious' ones were both long distance. So here I am, 5 years after my divorce with someone who lives here near me, and feeling like a teenager who doesn't really know how to date. And similarly to my relationship with my ex, D & I have gotten very close very quickly. I love that man, he is such a good soul. He is warm and loving and kind and gentle and sexy and sweet. And we sometimes frustrate the hell out of one another. And when that happens, it makes me want to run for the hills. But I really don't want to. The more I know him, the more I love him. I see so much beauty in his character.

In the deepest part of me, I want to stay put, and learn to implement all the tools and techniques - including praying and seeking God's will - in real time. Oh God it can be challenging! I'm so blessed by his patience with me. Because I tell ya, sometimes I feel like a big huge loser with all of this. Shouldn't I be more mature by now? Shouldn't I be more secure? Shouldn't I be able to make myself happy and not allow someone else to affect the state of my emotions? Would that it were so simple. I can do that, I can make myself happy when I'm sad, but it feels like the only way involves moving on and clearing the plate of a relationship, and that isn't something I want to do. So my mind goes into self-torture mode... Sometimes I think I want that, but in the deepest part of me, I don't. I don't. I don't!!!

And day by day I'm learning that through his loyalty, and through my own. I'm learning about myself, and about what I believe true love to be - selfless giving to another person and seeking their own best, and loving them despite flaws, and forgiving. And through that, we bring joy and acceptance and peace into one another's lives and souls. D&I do that for each other, at least I can speak for myself anyway, and despite some turbulence at times, it truly is beautiful and lovely. I don't know the future. I don't even know tomorrow. I am only just learning to understand the geography of my own heart.

Here are a few photos from the past few weeks.

Hugs rule. Doesn't my face look kinda like the lost little seal pup? LOL.
Being dorks!
Grilling chicken at my house the other week. I call this is my "I don't need a man grill." :) I put it together from like a zillion pieces out of the box, with no help!

Doug made me dinner! It's usually me who makes him dinner so this was an awesome surprise - what a sweetheart. Then we watched HEROES Season 1 episodes.

Kisses rule too!

It was a beautiful day the other day and we went to his apartment's pool for the first time this year. This photo cracks me up! (And after the sun, came the rain... it totally flooded last night!)

I love this photo. A bit out of focus but cute.

it's snowing in Houston!

Sam and Savannah skiing at Monarch Mountain, Colorado in March.
Copyright (c) 2008 Wendee Holtcamp

I kid you not. It is actually snowing in Houston. I've been here more than 10 years and this is a first. Actually we got snow one Christmas, but I had the gall to be in the Bahamas "skipping Christmas" with my awesome best friend Daline, since it was my first without the kids after the divorce.

I've been swamped, trying to wrap up some things before I head to Oregon and Washington so I have nothing too profound to say right now. OK I did have one little nugget. I talked to a dear friend today about letting go of the need to control versus feeling the need to KNOW what is going to happen. I'm not a big fan of uncertainty. I'm used to being in charge of so many things - my finances, my house, the kids, my students, yada yada yada. I have a really hard time letting go and letting God. I struggle with a sort of anxiety when I want a particular outcome. I know I've said this all before in so different words. But how long does it take before I can truly be in a place where I can let go?

You hear all this advice "if you just think positive" or "everything will be ok" - but the reality is, and this is what my friend and I were talking about, we really do NOT know that everything will be ok. We don't know a LOT more than we "know." All I know is that I love God, and that God is FOR me not against me (even as I struggle to truly incorporate that thought into my psyche), and that our actions have consequences on this earth.

OK I'm gonna go catch snowflakes on my tongue now!

joy

Sea lion in the Galapagos Islands
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

Peace is always beautiful - Walt Whitman

I'm thinking about joy and how to get to a state of joyfulness on a daily basis. A lot of things - quotes, articles, etc - have been crossing my path related to joy and the ability to be happy. "You're about as happy as you make up your mind to be" was said by Mark Twain. So I've been focusing on all the positive things in my life, and I actually have been pretty happy. I notice when I pay my bills and start thinking about money, I get kind of stressed. When I start thinking about the fact that I am sometimes lonely, I can get sad sometimes. But for the most part I do not think about money and bills or loneliness, and I'm 95% of the time thinking about the good friends I have, and my amazing kids, and the career that I love, and all the rest. Then just when things are really great, something weird happens.

Have you ever noticed that when people over-react or get mad, there's usually something deeper bothering them? But they won't just tell you what that thing is? Sometimes they don't even know! Have you ever done something minor, and they make assumptions, and instead of giving you an opportunity to explain, they yell? I don't get yelling. I grew up in a home where yelling was a daily thing. I made a deliberate conscious effort to not live like that -OK kids, if you're reading you know I make mistakes! :). I don't have friends that yell at me. I don't let anyone yell at me, family or anyone, and if that happens, I just say "OK goodbye! We'll talk later!" because I don't want to yell at people either but it gets kind of hard when they're yelling at you! So hence, I end the conversation.

Have I said this before? It's worth repeating: I believe that friends and family have a right to say whatever they want to me, even if it's critical, even if it hurts, but say it in a calm, respectful manner and then let's talk about it. It is NOT that difficult! Really it is not!!!!!! And if you mess up, and raise your voice, or over-react, or assign people characteristics that they really don't have... but maybe someone in their past had... then you apologize, you own up to your mistakes. Take responsibility. How hard is it? Didn't we all learn this in kindergarten?!! I mean, seriously?!

Why is the human psyche so weird? Why do most people hide the things they really feel or things they do, instead of just being honest? I don't get it. And what I really don't get, is why people sabotage things that are really good. Why, why, why, why?!! But... is this world really hard to figure out? No... I think that you just learn to not worry so much about the weirdness of people, and the weird things that happen, and just keep on plugging away, and just chase after the joy. Because have you ever been around a joyful person? It's contagious. I so notice that when I am happy, or enthusiastic, or excited - which I often am because that is how I generally am when I'm not letting life get to me - it rubs off on people, on my kids, on the students I've had. So that is what I'm trying to do. Because the last couple months I've maybe not been that way quite so much. And I want the joy back.

You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment. --David D. Burns

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:8(NIV)

It is not by accident that the happiest people are those who make a conscious effort to live useful lives. Their happiness, of course, is not a shallow exhilaration where life is one continuous intoxicating party. Rather, their happiness is a deep sense of inner peace that comes when they believe their lives have meaning and that they are making a difference for good in the world. -Ernest Fitzgerald

questions and answers

Ornate door in Durbar Square, Kathmandu, Nepal
Copyright (2) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me." -Ann Landers

I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer. -Rainer Maria Rilke

The second quote is on a card that is on my desk. I don't read it often, although I love what it says. Very apropos. I am dealing with some issues in my life right now that are pretty intense. When I go through the intensity, I feel at once both strong and vulnerable, but I also tend to react strongly to perceived slights during times like these. More acts of self-sabotage, I guess. It's the old pendulum swing of reactions and emotions. Like most children of abuse, I tended to keep the important most vulnerable things to myself as a child, and yet particularly as I became a teenager I would also react verbally when I felt slighted. This has a tendency to push people away.

I think that in some ways, we have a very unhealthy society, because people do not seem able to communicate in a healthy way in any sort of conflict or disagreement of ideas. I am learning that I have a way too idealistic view of people. I see the model that Jesus set up - forgive not 7 times but 7 x 7, always forgive, always be merciful, as your Father in heaven is merciful. I want to believe that people will be forgiving and understanding and will always be there to work things through - especially those who care about me. It seems like that is just not always the case. Or, I should say, not usually the case. I used to think the problem was them, but I am learning that I have unrealistic expectations in this regard. I think that people's emotions are fragile, and people have their own boundaries that are not always clearly visible, and we can cross them without realizing it. And when we tell others that our boundaries have been violated, we must take great care to know how and when to do so, if that relationship is one that we treasure. This is one of those lessons I am learning, and that I will continue to learn. I am living the questions, I don't have all (or most of) the answers.

And I know that I fail again and again to follow the idealistic standards I would like to live by myself. I'm pretty good at forgiveness and working through stuff, but I am not so good at sitting in my discomfort - which includes "not knowing," and feeling slighted. I want to fix things. I want to speak up for myself. As a child, no one took care of many of my needs so I learned to take care of my own self. I learned that if I needed something done, I would just do it myself - even when others said it couldn't be done. But sometimes, I'm learning, that what I need to do is "do nothing." The most challenging part of that is not knowing for sure that is what needs doing! If God would just send a billboard, please! :)

sunshine in my pocket

Diamond waves, Juno Beach Florida
Copyright (c) 2006 Wendee Holtcamp

Sometimes you're so angry deep inside at someone that you think you don't feel a thing anymore. And then other people come and go and the days pass on and a memory surprises you with its poignancy like a tangerine. Sadness, sweetness, longing, wanting, wishing it were different. Wondering whether dark clouds shielded or the animal within took over or just that is the way it is to be. Battles and swords and words and stones and pain and running and hiding and saying goodbyes. I never liked them, never could take them, just say for now so long, until our path should cross again. True love never ends, it runs through the blood and the marrow and the soul. Parting like the oceans waves crashing into the shore, a peaceful place. - WH

Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me.
No.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Wish that you could, but you ain't gonna own me.
Do anything you can to control me.
Oh, no.

...

There's a place that I go,
But nobody knows.
Where the rivers flow,
And I call it home.

And there's no more lies.
In the darkness, there's light.
And nobody cries.
There's only butterflies.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

- Pocketful of sunshine, Natasha Bedingfield

I love that song because, well besides the fact it's got an infectious beat and is fun, the message isn't about love like I initially thought (one lyric is "I've got a love and I know it's all mine") but it's about having an inner joy, inner sunshine that no one can take away.

being in charge

I've been a bit frustrated lately, and grumpy, and thinking about parenting and such (have been struggling with some challenging behavior - ah teenagers), today I was in my office and I was talking to Savie and I told her, "I like to be in charge. I just like to order people around, to tell them what to do, and they do it without arguing. I don't like people to have other opinions!"

It was kind of hilarious, I mean I said it in all seriousness, while knowing how awfully ridiculous it sounds. I think that in truth, without realizing it, a lot of people are like this. In general we human beings are not very good at negotiating or often at communicating. Parenting like a dictator doesn't work so well... (nor other relationships) but sometimes in parenting of course you do have to take charge. I have really enjoyed being a single parent (and single person in general), as opposed to being married, because in my house and my life, I make the rules. I can spend my money how I want to, I can do what I want to, I can tell the kids what to do without discussing it with anyone...

Well in reality my ex and I have pretty much the same feelings about everything kid-related and we discuss everything and luckily we agree on pretty much everything, so that makes it easier. M and I have not "fought" in any way in the past 5 years since we've been divorced -well right at the beginning it was challenging. Why do people get along so much better when there is no "relationship" than when you're "together"? I don't get it. Like I said, I like to be in charge and I'm not too great about having to change for someone else, even when they're not exactly asking me to change. Relationships (of all sorts) are put there to help us learn about ourselves - often the scratchy parts. Blech. I just would rather live in a hole sometimes than to have to see these things!

There's this parable that always spoke to me because it was so darn confusing. I didn't get what it was in the Centurion's behavior and words that made Jesus think his faith was so great. I think I get it now, or am starting to.

The Faith of the Centurion Luke 7 1:10

1When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. 2There a centurion's servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. 3The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. 4When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, "This man deserves to have you do this, 5because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue." 6So Jesus went with them. He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. 7That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. 8For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."

9When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." 10 Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.

I love this song Not the Doctor by Alanis. Full lyrics here or somewhere on her own website Alanis.com.

"Not The Doctor"
by Alanis Morissette

I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you

/snip

I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
At midnight, hey
What are you hungry for
I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights

/snip

I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
And it's wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for

/snip

Those are just some of the lyrics I particularly relate to!

questions

I envy those souls who don't question every little aspect of life, and who just go with the flow. I'm not one of those people. I have questions about everything, EVERYTHING from the way the universe works to the way my mind and emotions work to the what is really real about what people say and what reality even is. It can drive one to madness at times... It's really the skeptic's worldview to some extent, though I believe in God which throws a monkeywrench in that whole equation.

Some people I know trust others immediately and then allow themselves to be disappointed, and they say it's worth it, in what you gain from the trust that you extend to that person. I am generally that way in that I don't judge others or try not to and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt for sure. But it also depends on what is at stake. If I'm risking something of my life or my heart I can't just put that trust out there 100% all at once. I think that partly this came from the relationship experience I had a few years back, but I think it's wise. I've said since then that I don't think I'll ever allow myself to just completely give myself emotionally over to another person, or to fall head over heels. Whatever happens in my life and with my heart it's going to happen slowly. Maybe there's a little cynicism in there, I don't know.

I got a pedicure two days ago and then yesterday a massage. All these emotions come flooding out of me, and it's hard to know whether it's my own manufactured fears and questions or whether it's intuition or reality. Or hell, just PMS for that matter. I really wish sometimes I had a simpler mind that thought about things less! Just watch, I'll get in a car accident and end up in a coma or something because I said that... I've been having some bizarre dreams lately. Then again I've been sleeping a lot. Sleeping is so amazing. I could sleep all day! Then again, I have a crapload of work to do, so I really can't.

On another note I thought my toe was healing and I was walking without much of a limp and I even did power yoga one day. Well now it's getting worse, and hurting, and it's swollen, and I'm limping again. This really stinks because I'm leaving in a week for Australia and I want it to be fully healed!! Back to work on an article on ringtails, those cute ferret-like relatives of raccoons.