10 things

Pippin attacking my foot! She is such a doll! Copyright (c) 2012 Wendee Holtcamp
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. - Isaiah 55:12

1. Last Sunday, I went to my friend Jessica's for "church." We watched the Woodlands Church streaming live from her kitchen while she fed me breakfast (scrambled eggs, fresh tomatoes, toast, fresh fruit & coffee). The sermon talked about .... well crap to be honest I don't remember. But I do remember it evolved into a discussion Jessica and I had about goals. I have been meaning to write down personal and professional goals since the new year, and haven't gotten around to it! She runs an amazing and successful shoe company, Joyfolie, that she started from sewing hand-made baby shoes in her home, and it took off like wildfire! She has stressed to me the importance of creating goals and updating them every month. Well here it is Friday night and I still haven't done the goal-writing session. I will try to do that tomorrow. But it will happen. It will happen. However, this is a lead-in to the next bullet. One of the things I DO remember that Pastor Kerry said was to encourage everyone to do two things. One, "walk a mile in their shoes" - in other words, walk for a mile and pray for and think about the impoverished of the world. Two, eat a 1/2 of rice and a 1/2 cup of beans for one meal because that is what something like half of the world lives on. I haven't done the eating part of this, but ...

2. ... I have been inspired to walk every day for the past several days. Honestly if I wasn't on a lazy-kick and I had been going to the gym I probably wouldn't be walking. But I decided, you know what? Walking is better than doing NOTHING and it allows me to spend some of the time praying - both for the less fortunate (and my life purpose related to that), and for other people in my life. And I have SO enjoyed it!!! The coolest thing is that I noticed that I SEE the world differently when I walk. I will be walking through my neighborhood from my house over to my friend Elise's (she just moved in the neighborhood adjacent to mine, and I can walk there) and I notice each house, and their yard, and the trees, and the differences in the homes in the two 'hoods, and so many more things. I usually walk to the elementary school which is right near Elise's house, and then walk around the track a number of times. I jogged there a couple times and the observation is completely different than when I walk. I am totally getting my groove on when I walk. Lovin it. Two things that made me smile: two little girls hula-hooping in their driveway, and a weeping willow tree which brought back a fun memory from high school and my h.s. best friend Kim.

3. While walking, and especially as I pray for those less fortunate, I am reminded how many blessings I have, and I have really had a grateful and happy spirit lately. I have felt grateful for the freedom we have in our country and the safety in my neighborhood, as I pray for those who don't have that freedom and that safety. I am grateful for my amazing and fun friends. I tell you, I have some absolutely wonderful, one-of-a-kind, life-long friends. The kind I would die for. They are the best. And I am grateful for my beautiful children who are so smart and doing so well, even in "teenagerland." Some bumps, of course, but what life doesn't have bumps? And I am incredibly grateful for my mood and joyfulness lately! Walking tonight with Elise and Mary Anne, I was just happy that I didn't have ANY drama in my life right now! Everything is GOOD! (Knock on wood!) And I am grateful for my career, and how well it is going right now, and the work I've been doing for Environmental Health Perspectives in particular. I really am enjoying learning and writing about more health-related topics. It's important stuff. I just finished a piece on science denial, which is a huge passion of mine! That was related to the Science Denial conference I attended in Madison recently.

4. Speaking of Environmental Health Perspectives, I just got a copy of the latest issue in the mail, with a copy of my article "One Study, Two Paths: The Challenge of Dual-Use Research" (or in other words, research that can be used for good or evil - ie terrorism). It starts with the latest brouhaha over the avian flu (H5N1) research that got a lot of attention in the news, and goes from there.

5. I did an essay on my experience at the Chopra Center Journey into Healing workshop and it appears in the Chopra Center's June newsletter! It's called Journey into Healing - one teaspoon of sweet nectar at a time. It tells all about the experience and how it impacted me, Ayurvedic health and wellness, and the "doshas" and more. Let me know what you think if you read it!

6. My kitten Pippin is doing wonderfully, and I adore every day I have with her! She is so freaking hilarious, too. She's super rambunctious and she totally attacks my other two cats. She runs and jumps full throttle on top of them, like she's going to town. They are incredibly patient, I tell ya (in other words I'm amazed they haven't totally killed her!). Caramel, my big "fluffy" orange cat, is not quite so sure about Pippin, but Rosie (the crazy beige tabby who sticks her head in the jar...) is taking a liking to her, though she gets impatient with her antics! Rosie will swish her tail and Pippin goes in for the kill. And they fight over the plastic jar. THAT is a site to see! Pippin obviously can fit in there, and Rosie usually just sticks her head in. Even though we have fit her whole body in there, she usually doesn't climb all the way in anymore. And its funny - you know how when you bring a new baby home, all of a sudden your toddler seems giant? Well it was like that with Rosie. She was always my thin, little playful cat. But now all of a sudden she seems huge and slow. Ha ha!! The older cats (which are siblings) are 8 years now. It's fun having Pippin's fun energy around. Soon I will put up some of the crazy cats fighting over jars images...but it's 130am already and I want to finish this.

7. I picked blueberries today at Moorhead's Blueberry farm! I thought I was going to miss this year's berry picking, because it has been such a busy past couple of weeks and I'm leaving next Friday (that will be one of my numbers, hold your horses) :) But alas, I made it! It is a tradition to go every year with my kids. This year, Savannah didn't go but Sam and his friend from his old school, Holy Trinity Episcopal, did. It was so cute to get them together and hear them cutting up over stories from 4th grade like when they apparently would put sugar in the Big Red soda their teacher gave them during PSIA practice -an academic competition they participated in every year. The sugar would make the soda explode, and then they'd drink it and get hyper as all get out. Anyway it was funny hearing the stories!! Sam started there in 3rd or 4th grade and stayed through 8th grade. So we picked berries then headed home and tonight I made blueberry-lemon cornmeal muffins with streusel topping! Gluten-free even. Yum!

8. I am going to spend a month in Oregon with Sam!!! I am leaving in a week!! Holy cow! He is going to be a camp counselor at Trackers Earth and I couldn't be more happy for him! This is going to be such an amazing experience for him. He will go on an overnight "Counselor in Training" week-long camp where he trains to be a counselor, followed by 3 weeks volunteering as a day camp counselor (He's scheduled to lead the Forest Ninja; Forest Fishing Fly & Reel; and Stealth, Archery and Wilderness Survival). We will be staying with friends in Portland, and then spending the weekends either with my dad or traveling to different places, including a weekend trip to the incredibly gorgeous Central Oregon Coast where I went last March, and I was so blown away by its beauty that I have wanted to bring the kids back since then. Sam is excited about the camp and about the cool tide pools I told him about. Better than Disneyland I tell ya! While there, I am going to take Sam to look at Reed College and University of Oregon in Eugene (I grew up in Eugene from age 2 to 8). I had always planned to take my kids to the East coast this summer to look at the colleges out there, but Savannah didn't want to anymore and she isn't going on the trip to Oregon (she got a job and will be staying home and working). But I'm super stoked and can't wait!

9. The first week, while Sam is at the overnight camp, I am headed to Washington state to my favorite place in the U.S. - Olympic National Park! It is just the most incredible, beautiful, peaceful, mossy, verdant, lush, mossy, misty land of forest and sea and sand ... and it is where "Twilight" is set (Forks). You can see my past visits here. My plan is first to visit my photographer friend Francis Zera in Seattle (his work is mind-blowing). I visited him last on my 2009 visit to the Pacific NW, and we have worked on a few stories together (Candid Camera for E/the Environmental Magazine, and a piece for Canoe & Kayak on Paddling 3 Texas Hill Country Rivers). Anyway after that, I plan to head to the site of the famous Elwha dam removal! I visited the dam site last in 2010 with my dad and Bev, and the dam was still up. It is now gone! I am trying to sell a story based on the removal - the biggest in world history! I am going to meet my friend, environmental reporter Terri Hansen, and we are going to camp near the dam site in or near the park. I will be meeting with various biologists and getting my story, whether or not I have an assignment yet. Report it, and it will come!

10. That's about all the news that's fit to print! I am already packing, cooking blueberry things, cleaning up the house, and teaching my ongoing Advanced Writing Workshop - and I have my next Online Writing Bootcamp starting June 16, if anyone is interested! I leave you with this lovely quote from Virginia Woolf that resonated with my soul...

“The melancholy river bears us on. When the moon comes through the trailing willow boughs, I see your face, I hear your voice and the bird singing as we pass the osier bed. What are you whispering? Sorrow, sorrow. Joy, joy. Woven together, like reeds in moonlight.”

consciousness cleanse

Peruvian Amazon rainforest along the River Madre de Dios
Copyright (c) Wendee Holtcamp 2006

I'm using my old desktop computer, which actually is not that old, but it is slow as a slug, and the keyboard is incredibly annoying. I had to mail my laptop off for repairs. Everything is falling apart it seems - my trusty Subaru had to be taken down for work yesterday too. It was getting awfully loud, and I thought it was just age. But turns out the wheel bearings were so bad that I was lucky it didn't just lock up on me. I only brought it down on a whim. Glad I did!

I have started doing the 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse, and the coolest thing is that I got several friends to do it alongside me, so we're all sharing our experiences. The Consciousness Cleanse is based on a new book by one of my favorite authors, Debbie Ford. There are online meditations and readings, but I got the book from my library and it's got some additional reading material. On the first day, which we did yesterday, you sort of come up with what area of your life most needs your focus, and to create an inner and outer goal to help you achieve it.

The audio meditation allows you to sort of think through and figure out what feeling you would have inside were that dream to come true to your wildest imaginings. I initially thought of financial success. Which is so unlike me, because I have always sort of despised people who have a lot of money. Maybe despised isn't the right word. Distrusted, maybe? It's like I have issues with people who seek money for money's sake and because of my own upbringing (I had a hippie dad, what can I say) I had/have some negative associations with money.

Yet I have always been extremely responsible with money, and done well for myself but the last year was tough on me financially. Hence the new focus. I have a future I need to save for. And I want to come to grips with the fact that not all wealthy people are selfish or greedy, but that is just a semi-conscious mental attitude I picked up along the way. And maybe a little bit of envy. But in my ponderings and such on this goal, I realized that what I really want is to make a difference, and I feel if I had wealth or greater success I could do more good the world. There's so much I dream of doing that is just impossible without the money to do it. And it brought me back to my book, and dreaming of its success. And wanting it to make a difference in terms of getting the message out there that God is love, and God is truth, and that science reveals truth about the natural world, God's creation, and science and faith are fully compatible! And all this brought me back to the fact that because of financial struggle I don't feel as much joy and passion for my work, which sometimes keeps me from giving my 100% attention to it as I should. The writing becomes more of a struggle, something that has to be done, rather than a true joy. And I crave that passion again for my work, for whatever I do. So that is what I'm working towards.

I started smiling at everyone I meet. It is amazing how by giving a smile, you can bring joy to them, and back to you. Just a simple little thing. And I've noticed a little more spring in my step the last few days. So that's where I'm at, and some of the things on my mind and heart lately! What's new with you? Leave a comment! ;)

wedding day!

The very happy bride and groom - Bev and my dad - after the ceremony! The maid of honor and best man, long-time friends of both my dad and Bev's Jim & Cathy, behind some flowers in the reception hall.
Jim, Cathy, my dad and Bev walking toward the chapel at St. Stephen's Episcopal Church in Longview, Washington.
Cutting the amazingly delicious flourless chocolate cake!
Bev, Dad and me.
Another shot of us.

Help! I caught the bride's bouquet! No, really what I did was threw the bouquet in the air and caught it myself. Truly I was the only single person at the wedding I think!
Being a bit wild n crazy with the flowers :)

love and faith

The abominable snowman! I love him!
Copyright (c) 2008 Wendee Holtcamp

I wanted to share some quotes that have come across my email recently that I relate to, and that relate to my life right now. I've blogged before about fear of love, fear of loss, and how these things and the pain of the past and the disillusionment can imprison us and keep us from experiencing and enjoying the good in our lives, and the real deal when it arrives. When I was 20, I have a distinct memory of working at this office to raise money for my upcoming semester in Australia and there were these 2 older gentlemen who worked there I became friends with, and I was always a super happy bubbly type person, and I'd say "smile!" and "cheer up!" and they'd say, "You just don't understand. Life hasn't beat you down yet." And at that time I vowed to myself that no matter what happened I would NOT let life's pain take away my joie de vivre.

But you know, it happens without you looking. The pain does zap all that childhood joy and free spiritedness out of you. I still have always tried to keep a certain joy, and childlike quality about me. I love to do fun silly things like spin around, jump up and down, and all that kind of stuff. But there's also can come a sadness in one's soul from losing people who we love, and from believing in something only to be betrayed or have our hopes dashed. But I have always vowed to continue to live my life giving my all, giving my heart, risking despite fear, and believing if I pursue the longings of my heart, God will hear and bless me with those answered prayers, even if certain things take way longer than I ever wanted.

When I met Matt, we had a very instant attraction, sort of like the "love at first sight" kind of thing. Whatever that means, our relationship moved very quickly. There were no games, no questions, we just "knew." I never knew if that was the way it's supposed to be or if that was a mistake we made, since it obviously ended down the line after 13 years. Life is so confusing and complex and we just have to "take data" (as Daline would say) and observe and see. All I know is that I recognize the fears that I have in my soul that can drag spirits and emotions down, and that bring my own spirit down, and that can sabotage things, but you know what? I'm still going to risk. And I believe, as my friend Miranda has told me, "When it's the right thing, nothing can stop it."

As I was ice skating with Doug the other day I thought that is sort of the way real loving relationships are. You're out there on the rink with like a zillion other people, some skilled and some totally unskilled. Some times you skate around holding your loved ones hand, side by side. Even when you're skating around like that, people come up and you have to separate your hands, raise them over a little kids head, and then come back together. Then other times, you don't hold hands but you separate and skate around on your own path, smiling at one another as you go around past and catching up when you can. You may travel away from one another, or go to work for a while, or one may get ill and need time to heal, or whatever. But you come back together and hug and hold hands again and reconnect. The whole analogy seemed a very healthy natural way to view how relationships should be. When I first met Matt I remember I had to go to Oregon and visit my dad and I was almost obsessively missing him. And I've had that model in past relationships. I feel very balanced and grounded right now. I'm super happy. There's no fear. And when it did come a few days back, we worked through it. And if it comes again, I'm sure that reassurance and time will cover up and heal all. So here are the quotes I wanted to share:

"Fear imprisons, faith liberates; fear paralyzes, faith empowers; fear disheartens, faith encourage; fear sickens, faith heals; fear makes useless, faith makes serviceable." -- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers." Keep Coming Back by Meiji Stewart

"As we grow spiritually, we naturally become more generous. It's a quality of a well-developed person. Rather than being anxious over whether we will have enough -- and rather than hungrily seeking more and more -- we become more openhearted. We feel more abundant within ourselves and find that our spirit of generosity even adds to our own abundant feelings. Where we see a need, we help out." - Wisdom to Know, Hazelden books

"Sincere love is not born of possessiveness but of necessary space and distance."
--Melanie Gainsley

"Whenever we try to understand, analyze, or probe too much into the reasons for love, we damage it. All that can really be done with love is accept it." - Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

"To relax, to feel the love in your heart and keep to that as your focus in every situation--that's the meaning of spiritual surrender. It changes us. We become deeper, more attractive people." - Marianne Williamson, Return to Love

joy

Sea lion in the Galapagos Islands
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

Peace is always beautiful - Walt Whitman

I'm thinking about joy and how to get to a state of joyfulness on a daily basis. A lot of things - quotes, articles, etc - have been crossing my path related to joy and the ability to be happy. "You're about as happy as you make up your mind to be" was said by Mark Twain. So I've been focusing on all the positive things in my life, and I actually have been pretty happy. I notice when I pay my bills and start thinking about money, I get kind of stressed. When I start thinking about the fact that I am sometimes lonely, I can get sad sometimes. But for the most part I do not think about money and bills or loneliness, and I'm 95% of the time thinking about the good friends I have, and my amazing kids, and the career that I love, and all the rest. Then just when things are really great, something weird happens.

Have you ever noticed that when people over-react or get mad, there's usually something deeper bothering them? But they won't just tell you what that thing is? Sometimes they don't even know! Have you ever done something minor, and they make assumptions, and instead of giving you an opportunity to explain, they yell? I don't get yelling. I grew up in a home where yelling was a daily thing. I made a deliberate conscious effort to not live like that -OK kids, if you're reading you know I make mistakes! :). I don't have friends that yell at me. I don't let anyone yell at me, family or anyone, and if that happens, I just say "OK goodbye! We'll talk later!" because I don't want to yell at people either but it gets kind of hard when they're yelling at you! So hence, I end the conversation.

Have I said this before? It's worth repeating: I believe that friends and family have a right to say whatever they want to me, even if it's critical, even if it hurts, but say it in a calm, respectful manner and then let's talk about it. It is NOT that difficult! Really it is not!!!!!! And if you mess up, and raise your voice, or over-react, or assign people characteristics that they really don't have... but maybe someone in their past had... then you apologize, you own up to your mistakes. Take responsibility. How hard is it? Didn't we all learn this in kindergarten?!! I mean, seriously?!

Why is the human psyche so weird? Why do most people hide the things they really feel or things they do, instead of just being honest? I don't get it. And what I really don't get, is why people sabotage things that are really good. Why, why, why, why?!! But... is this world really hard to figure out? No... I think that you just learn to not worry so much about the weirdness of people, and the weird things that happen, and just keep on plugging away, and just chase after the joy. Because have you ever been around a joyful person? It's contagious. I so notice that when I am happy, or enthusiastic, or excited - which I often am because that is how I generally am when I'm not letting life get to me - it rubs off on people, on my kids, on the students I've had. So that is what I'm trying to do. Because the last couple months I've maybe not been that way quite so much. And I want the joy back.

You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment. --David D. Burns

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:8(NIV)

It is not by accident that the happiest people are those who make a conscious effort to live useful lives. Their happiness, of course, is not a shallow exhilaration where life is one continuous intoxicating party. Rather, their happiness is a deep sense of inner peace that comes when they believe their lives have meaning and that they are making a difference for good in the world. -Ernest Fitzgerald