We're not broken, just bent

Lake McKenzie, Fraser Island, Australia
(c) Wendee Nicole 2008

I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
...
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
- Pink, Just Give Me a Reason

The 4th of July - Independence Day - used to be my favorite holiday. I've blogged before about this, but as a kid, I always spent summers with my dad, and on the 4th he'd usually go to a party in town where we'd watch fireworks on the Columbia river. When I was really little fireworks scared me, and I'd bury my head in his strong loving arms. But as I got older I loved the fireworks and the Oregon summer air and being together with my brother (who I didn't live with except in the summer) and my dad. It was like my family was together only during these summertimes. Now, holidays alone are hard for me. Yesterday was tough. Independence day just reminds me that I am "independent" ie single. Most of the time I am perfectly fine with that, and enjoy my solitude, and hanging with friends and doing my work, but on holidays when my close friends leave town to spend time with their families and I'm left alone it can be tough. And as I near the empty nest when both my kids will be gone from under my roof (only my son is there now), the prospect of facing life alone for the rest of my days can feel daunting. (It is also a factor in why I have decided to apply for grad school - I want to challenge myself and reinvent my career and do more for people who might be suffering or struggling in the world than I feel I can do through my writing alone).

At any rate, yesterday I felt really alone and reached out to someone who did not respond quite as I had hoped. At first the lack of response was ok for me, but it turned to a bit of a downer today when I got a more abrupt message. My heart felt saddened, and after a cry and a nice hot bath, I decided that this was a job for mama-love! I really have healed my relationship with my mom tremendously over the past year, mostly because I now have a teenager and it made me appreciate the hell I put my mom through and all the ways that I held a silly grudge over things she did her best on, and I truly forgave things from my childhood from my heart. I had meant to blog about this before, but didn't get to it... so here it is. And my mom isn't that old, but you just never know when a parent might go, and I absolutely would and will be heartbroken. Because of our healing, I feel a new closeness to my mom, and wish she was even closer so we could spend more time together.

So here I am, in Dallas visiting for a bit, and on the drive up this evening I felt that I needed to listen to the final CD of the audio-book of The Shack (an amazing book!) for the third time, and it was exactly what I needed to hear! This is a fictional story of a guy named Mackenzie (Mac) whose young daughter Missy is kidnapped and brutally murdered. He eventually goes to the "shack" where she was killed and there, ends up spending several days with three characters: Papa (God) who is a black woman, Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) represented as an ethereal sparkly Asian woman, and Jesus. At the end of the story, it turns out he was in a coma from a car accident, but the time spent with the trinity was genuine because he was able to locate Missy's body from what he had learned over the course of the days. Throughout the book, the time Mac spends with each of the characters is awesome and illuminating; Mac learns about faith and doubt, and how much God loves us as a beautiful chaotic mess. For example, they show Mac a messy flower garden to represent his heart and soul. One of my favorite lines is where Papa likes to say about everyone that comes up in conversation "I am especially fond of ____." Feeling loved by God is so hard sometimes, but as Beth Moore says, until we can feel deeply loved by God, we cant love God with our whole hearts and minds and soul and strength. It's a process of letting go and of asking to feel loved - hard because people often transpose God with our own fathers or caregivers or experiences in life.

There was a scene in that last part of the book I listened to where Papa brought Mac to the cave where the killer had put Missy's young body and, I blogged about a couple posts ago, I have personified love that never really had a full chance to grow as a baby in utero that died (I promise this isnt gruesome! But helpful and healing!); it has helped me process the loss. So during this scene Papa asks Mac to forgive the killer and Mac of course struggles with his anger and his feelings of desiring revenge and justice, and it was so poignant for me because when I am upset with people sometimes and especially when I feel a sense of injustice - I think this is fairly common - I want to let that person know how they made me feel, and in the process the words can hurt them. I learned through some counseling that is actually a form of "revenge" - who knew? Like, if they could just understand how much they hurt me, they would feel bad, understand, and make it better or fix it. In my experience it has never worked out that way. They feel bad, and then get upset themselves. Anyway, so of course a form of anger is a normal stage of grieving and mourning the loss of anything, and I had gone through that stage but in the past weeks had reached a more peaceful acceptance and had felt pretty good until this reaching out episode....

But hearing that dialogue between Papa and Mac, when he said out loud he forgave the killer - and that did not mean that it was OK what he did, or that he had to have a relationship with the person. But Papa (God) said that He loved the killer because he was His child. He didn't love what the killer had become, but He loved him "for the broken child twisted by his pain." If only we could see those who hurt us in small ways and big through these loving eyes of grace! If we could really live this out in life! How powerful that would be. Papa said there is power in speaking and declaring forgiveness out loud, and so I turned the CD off and spoke out loud that I forgave that person for the very few things I still felt any upset over, and then I realized what I mostly needed was to forgive myself and to truly accept God's forgiveness for my own mistakes in this, and so I spoke that - I said God I accept your forgiveness for... all these things. I cried, and it was so poignant and beautiful. And then I continued to listen to the end of the book, and just like Mac with his flood of joy upon forgiveness, I literally felt this warmth and this peacefulness come over me. I felt like I had such deep love for this person and there was no desire to control the outcome anymore, and just a deep feeling of extending God's grace to him, and to myself.

At the same time, God called to mind during that thought process that He had raised the dead to life for more than one person (Lazarus, for example) who had been in their grave for multiple days. I know that God can heal all things - it is His very nature-- Jehovah Rapha or God who heals. I know that when there are two people who live grace and love God, there is nothing that can keep God from performing His healing work between them because God is love, and God's whole story is about reconciliation. It has been true between my mom and I, and between my daughter and I, and I know that in time, it will also be true - in whatever capacity that God wants - between my friend and I. Until then I rest in my prayers and the love I hold in my heart.

On a final note - how amazing God is! - I had found that image at the top completely randomly by searching through my photos as I do and I picked that one because of the bent trees growing towards one another and that represented the lyrics in the Pink song I quote. I actually thought it was Lake Wabby, but when I googled it, it turns out that lake is actually LAKE MCKENZIE!! How freaking weird is that!!! I had forgotten there even WAS a Lake McKenzie... Twilight zone!! God is at work... Wishing grace and peace to all you pumpkins! Have a great weekend.

love and faith

The abominable snowman! I love him!
Copyright (c) 2008 Wendee Holtcamp

I wanted to share some quotes that have come across my email recently that I relate to, and that relate to my life right now. I've blogged before about fear of love, fear of loss, and how these things and the pain of the past and the disillusionment can imprison us and keep us from experiencing and enjoying the good in our lives, and the real deal when it arrives. When I was 20, I have a distinct memory of working at this office to raise money for my upcoming semester in Australia and there were these 2 older gentlemen who worked there I became friends with, and I was always a super happy bubbly type person, and I'd say "smile!" and "cheer up!" and they'd say, "You just don't understand. Life hasn't beat you down yet." And at that time I vowed to myself that no matter what happened I would NOT let life's pain take away my joie de vivre.

But you know, it happens without you looking. The pain does zap all that childhood joy and free spiritedness out of you. I still have always tried to keep a certain joy, and childlike quality about me. I love to do fun silly things like spin around, jump up and down, and all that kind of stuff. But there's also can come a sadness in one's soul from losing people who we love, and from believing in something only to be betrayed or have our hopes dashed. But I have always vowed to continue to live my life giving my all, giving my heart, risking despite fear, and believing if I pursue the longings of my heart, God will hear and bless me with those answered prayers, even if certain things take way longer than I ever wanted.

When I met Matt, we had a very instant attraction, sort of like the "love at first sight" kind of thing. Whatever that means, our relationship moved very quickly. There were no games, no questions, we just "knew." I never knew if that was the way it's supposed to be or if that was a mistake we made, since it obviously ended down the line after 13 years. Life is so confusing and complex and we just have to "take data" (as Daline would say) and observe and see. All I know is that I recognize the fears that I have in my soul that can drag spirits and emotions down, and that bring my own spirit down, and that can sabotage things, but you know what? I'm still going to risk. And I believe, as my friend Miranda has told me, "When it's the right thing, nothing can stop it."

As I was ice skating with Doug the other day I thought that is sort of the way real loving relationships are. You're out there on the rink with like a zillion other people, some skilled and some totally unskilled. Some times you skate around holding your loved ones hand, side by side. Even when you're skating around like that, people come up and you have to separate your hands, raise them over a little kids head, and then come back together. Then other times, you don't hold hands but you separate and skate around on your own path, smiling at one another as you go around past and catching up when you can. You may travel away from one another, or go to work for a while, or one may get ill and need time to heal, or whatever. But you come back together and hug and hold hands again and reconnect. The whole analogy seemed a very healthy natural way to view how relationships should be. When I first met Matt I remember I had to go to Oregon and visit my dad and I was almost obsessively missing him. And I've had that model in past relationships. I feel very balanced and grounded right now. I'm super happy. There's no fear. And when it did come a few days back, we worked through it. And if it comes again, I'm sure that reassurance and time will cover up and heal all. So here are the quotes I wanted to share:

"Fear imprisons, faith liberates; fear paralyzes, faith empowers; fear disheartens, faith encourage; fear sickens, faith heals; fear makes useless, faith makes serviceable." -- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers." Keep Coming Back by Meiji Stewart

"As we grow spiritually, we naturally become more generous. It's a quality of a well-developed person. Rather than being anxious over whether we will have enough -- and rather than hungrily seeking more and more -- we become more openhearted. We feel more abundant within ourselves and find that our spirit of generosity even adds to our own abundant feelings. Where we see a need, we help out." - Wisdom to Know, Hazelden books

"Sincere love is not born of possessiveness but of necessary space and distance."
--Melanie Gainsley

"Whenever we try to understand, analyze, or probe too much into the reasons for love, we damage it. All that can really be done with love is accept it." - Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

"To relax, to feel the love in your heart and keep to that as your focus in every situation--that's the meaning of spiritual surrender. It changes us. We become deeper, more attractive people." - Marianne Williamson, Return to Love

it's snowing in Houston!

Sam and Savannah skiing at Monarch Mountain, Colorado in March.
Copyright (c) 2008 Wendee Holtcamp

I kid you not. It is actually snowing in Houston. I've been here more than 10 years and this is a first. Actually we got snow one Christmas, but I had the gall to be in the Bahamas "skipping Christmas" with my awesome best friend Daline, since it was my first without the kids after the divorce.

I've been swamped, trying to wrap up some things before I head to Oregon and Washington so I have nothing too profound to say right now. OK I did have one little nugget. I talked to a dear friend today about letting go of the need to control versus feeling the need to KNOW what is going to happen. I'm not a big fan of uncertainty. I'm used to being in charge of so many things - my finances, my house, the kids, my students, yada yada yada. I have a really hard time letting go and letting God. I struggle with a sort of anxiety when I want a particular outcome. I know I've said this all before in so different words. But how long does it take before I can truly be in a place where I can let go?

You hear all this advice "if you just think positive" or "everything will be ok" - but the reality is, and this is what my friend and I were talking about, we really do NOT know that everything will be ok. We don't know a LOT more than we "know." All I know is that I love God, and that God is FOR me not against me (even as I struggle to truly incorporate that thought into my psyche), and that our actions have consequences on this earth.

OK I'm gonna go catch snowflakes on my tongue now!

making room for the new

Fire, incense, marigold. At the Monkey Temple (Swayambhunath Stupa) in Kathmandu, Nepal
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

When I was a kid I loved sweeping. I don't know why, but I did. Mostly now my kids do the clean up and sweeping but after getting a letter from the Homeowners Gestapo about my yard, I had to get out there and clean it up a bit. Honestly it is not that bad, but I'm on a huge corner lot so everyone notices every little thing. So I decided I'd sweep the driveway, and the sidewalk leading to my front porch and it felt really good. It's almost meditative. I like the idea of sweeping away the old, and cleaning up. And not only that, we totally cleaned out the garage to make room for the wood we gathered from neighbors' homes in our Rec.ike.ling project we're starting. I had so many old boxes just piled up in there. So we broke them down and recycled them all and cleaned it all out.

The whole process of cleaning and sweeping and getting rid of things reminded me of this slideshow a friend had sent a few weeks back, which was awe-inspiring. It has beautiful imagery but also beautiful text. It's called Abundance, and the text is modified from "The Principle of Emptiness" by Joseph Newton.

Some of the text goes:

Have you got the habit of storing clothes, shoes, furniture, utensils and other home supplies that you haven't used already for some time? And inside, yourself...? Have you got the habit to keep reproaches, resentment, sadness, fears, and more? Don't do it! You are going against your prosperity. It is necessary to make room, to leave an empty space in order to allow new things to arrive in your life. ... As long as you are materially or emotionally holding old and useless feelings, you won't have room for new opportunities. ... When we keep in store, we consider the possibility of wanting, of penury. We believe that tomorrow it may lack, and that we won't be able to fulfill those necessities. ...

Every place with an ellipsis I cut out some of the text. I highly recommend looking at the Powerpoint though as it's beautiful and inspiring to see it all together. But after looking at this the concept stuck in my head, and I've thought of it when cleaning out my garage, and sweeping, and also in the "work" I'm doing on my past and childhood right now, which is helping me to get rid of old resentments and mourn old losses so that I am fully free to live and love today in the present. All the old things I'm holding onto that have no positive purpose in my life must go!