teabagging and thunderstorms

Thunderstorm near Big Bend National Park, Texas
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

"Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work."
- Gallagher

It's thundering here in Houston right now, and we've got a tornado watch going on. I must say that I am a bit scared of thunder and intense weather like storms. I think it's just the massive scale and total helplessness one feels in the face of such intense power. Yes I'm inside a nice, supposedly safe brick house and for that I am eternally grateful. But in the most intense of storms I've been known to hide in my closet... I just do not like the really super loud thunder. It's pretty black and dark out there at the moment and it's not going to abate anytime soon, according to the weather peeps. Give me snakes and spiders any day!!

I have spent the day playing catch up. I have found that since I've spent more time twittering and facebooking, my email tends to get neglected. I am one of those people who likes to stay on top of my email and keep my inbox to a manageable level - less than 100 emails in there is a good number. I like to give everyone a personal response who emails me. It's not always easy to stay on top of email! It's a great thing to catch up with while watching a movie.

Yes, I'm the Queen of Multitasking. It brings to mind something I heard from I think, Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese monk, about doing one task at a time and focusing on it. Enjoy it. Be present. He said something like if you are eating but you are thinking about baseball, you are eating....baseball. It was funny especially because I was listening to it on audio-CD but.... the point has stuck in my mind, though I have not yet incorporated that too much into my life. I do sometimes. But not often. An interesting thing to ponder...

At any rate my favorite items in the news that I've been ranting about on Facebook include the teabagging protests (ha ha) and the fact that Texas Governor Rick Perry said at a "tea party" protest bagging event - go get an urban dictionary Fox News- lol) that Texas could secede from the Union.

Say what?! I was FLOORED when I read that he said this. This is not just some random nutjob saying this. This is the governor of the 2nd largest state in the United States!!! He also said that it was not just right-wing extremists protesting, but if it was, he was right alongside with them. Ahem. Yea. Okay. First of all, although Texas original Constution said we could secede from the Union, we lost that little privilege after the Civil War. Second, a Supreme Court case ruled secession illegal.

I must say that one of the funniest things I have read in a very long time (add her to Black Hockey Jesus - and it was he who recommended her to me) The Bloggess had a freaking laugh out loud funny blog post on the teabagging issue. Without further adieu, please visit: The time I got verbally assaulted at HEB. Bwa ha ha ha!! Here's an excerpt:

Then when I was checking out the bagger asked me if I was “going to any teabagging parties today”. Like, WTF? And the cashier was just looking at me waiting for my response and I was all “Uh…no” because I was too shocked to say anything else and then I got home and thought maybe teabagging means something else now but no, I googled it and it still totally means the same thing.

As always Jon Stewart's Daily Show has some outstanding and humorous coverage The British actor John Oliver interviewed some protestors who had really no clue of the ridiculously outlandish and inappropriate comparison they were making to what happened with British Rule compared to American taxes. God Bless America!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Tea Party Tyranny
thedailyshow.com
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love and faith

The abominable snowman! I love him!
Copyright (c) 2008 Wendee Holtcamp

I wanted to share some quotes that have come across my email recently that I relate to, and that relate to my life right now. I've blogged before about fear of love, fear of loss, and how these things and the pain of the past and the disillusionment can imprison us and keep us from experiencing and enjoying the good in our lives, and the real deal when it arrives. When I was 20, I have a distinct memory of working at this office to raise money for my upcoming semester in Australia and there were these 2 older gentlemen who worked there I became friends with, and I was always a super happy bubbly type person, and I'd say "smile!" and "cheer up!" and they'd say, "You just don't understand. Life hasn't beat you down yet." And at that time I vowed to myself that no matter what happened I would NOT let life's pain take away my joie de vivre.

But you know, it happens without you looking. The pain does zap all that childhood joy and free spiritedness out of you. I still have always tried to keep a certain joy, and childlike quality about me. I love to do fun silly things like spin around, jump up and down, and all that kind of stuff. But there's also can come a sadness in one's soul from losing people who we love, and from believing in something only to be betrayed or have our hopes dashed. But I have always vowed to continue to live my life giving my all, giving my heart, risking despite fear, and believing if I pursue the longings of my heart, God will hear and bless me with those answered prayers, even if certain things take way longer than I ever wanted.

When I met Matt, we had a very instant attraction, sort of like the "love at first sight" kind of thing. Whatever that means, our relationship moved very quickly. There were no games, no questions, we just "knew." I never knew if that was the way it's supposed to be or if that was a mistake we made, since it obviously ended down the line after 13 years. Life is so confusing and complex and we just have to "take data" (as Daline would say) and observe and see. All I know is that I recognize the fears that I have in my soul that can drag spirits and emotions down, and that bring my own spirit down, and that can sabotage things, but you know what? I'm still going to risk. And I believe, as my friend Miranda has told me, "When it's the right thing, nothing can stop it."

As I was ice skating with Doug the other day I thought that is sort of the way real loving relationships are. You're out there on the rink with like a zillion other people, some skilled and some totally unskilled. Some times you skate around holding your loved ones hand, side by side. Even when you're skating around like that, people come up and you have to separate your hands, raise them over a little kids head, and then come back together. Then other times, you don't hold hands but you separate and skate around on your own path, smiling at one another as you go around past and catching up when you can. You may travel away from one another, or go to work for a while, or one may get ill and need time to heal, or whatever. But you come back together and hug and hold hands again and reconnect. The whole analogy seemed a very healthy natural way to view how relationships should be. When I first met Matt I remember I had to go to Oregon and visit my dad and I was almost obsessively missing him. And I've had that model in past relationships. I feel very balanced and grounded right now. I'm super happy. There's no fear. And when it did come a few days back, we worked through it. And if it comes again, I'm sure that reassurance and time will cover up and heal all. So here are the quotes I wanted to share:

"Fear imprisons, faith liberates; fear paralyzes, faith empowers; fear disheartens, faith encourage; fear sickens, faith heals; fear makes useless, faith makes serviceable." -- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers." Keep Coming Back by Meiji Stewart

"As we grow spiritually, we naturally become more generous. It's a quality of a well-developed person. Rather than being anxious over whether we will have enough -- and rather than hungrily seeking more and more -- we become more openhearted. We feel more abundant within ourselves and find that our spirit of generosity even adds to our own abundant feelings. Where we see a need, we help out." - Wisdom to Know, Hazelden books

"Sincere love is not born of possessiveness but of necessary space and distance."
--Melanie Gainsley

"Whenever we try to understand, analyze, or probe too much into the reasons for love, we damage it. All that can really be done with love is accept it." - Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

"To relax, to feel the love in your heart and keep to that as your focus in every situation--that's the meaning of spiritual surrender. It changes us. We become deeper, more attractive people." - Marianne Williamson, Return to Love

fears

In this new relationship a lot of fears have come up on both of our parts that we've expressed to one another. I think that is normal for any two people who are serious and who have been hurt in the past, as opposed to young lovers who fall in love for the first time ever. And who have kids. ie. me. I tend to give myself wholly and completely when I do, but I must admit there is a part of my heart and soul that I let out only slowly. I'm an expressive and creative so what I feel at a give time I will write out, and it is true and real and emotional. But I also know that only God is perfect and can be relied on 100%. I think to have unrealistic expectations about another human being is unfair to them. That said, I'm willing to trust and let go slowly and move in the direction of what seems to be my future. I think for me I have huge fears about introducing someone into the very comfortable situation I have with my life and my kids and my ex. Everything is so beautiful here in that situation. The kids are well adjusted, do well in school, get along well with both me and M, and neither he nor I so far have had any serious relationships. Introducing someone new - no matter when or how - is a risk.

On the plane back from Australia - another case of odd serendipity - I sat next to an Aussie man who had met and married an American with kids and so he had to move to the States. I asked if he liked it now and he said he "tolerates it." That is after 13 years. I would think Sean would probably feel the same. Then again, that is how I feel about Texas as well. I would love living in Florida or Colorado or Oregon but I do only tolerate Texas. I am not a conservative, and it gets under my skin sometimes when I see ignorance (about evolution, politics, etc) and judgmentalism and narrow-mindedness here. Then again I've seen a lot of bumper stickers lately here that say things like "Christian not close-minded" and "GOD is not spelled GOP" and other such things that make me think, wow that's pretty progressive for Texas! However there are lots of liberals and progressives here, lest I forget, though they may not be a majority. Even in the churches! So what this guy said to me was that the guy would have to get on with the kids or it wouldn't work. We talked a lot about a lot of things - from practical issues of resident vs citizen to working here to getting married versus living together, but in the end that's what his final word of wisdom boiled down to. And it's really true because though my mom's 2nd marriage has lasted, the fact that I did not like my stepdad throughout my life there made living there miserable for us all. (I like him a lot now!!) Sean is sensitive to this though having had a stepfather situation too, but there's a lot to process for both of us.

I don't honestly know how these various obstacles will be overcome though I do believe they will be worked out, in time. I read somewhere that the more you want something to last, the slower you need to take things. While our feelings and our desire for a shared future are way faster than most people may take a relationship that's just the way both of us are. But... that doesn't mean we are going to not still take things day by day. Living halfway across the planet from one another kind of forces you to take things a bit slow.

On another note I just got back from my kids' school awards ceremony and I'm so very very proud of them. Both kids got all A Honor Roll (all A's all year)! Sam also earned the top honor in his grade for Literature and Science, and Savannah in Math/Pre-Algebra, Science and Composition/Writing! She also got recognized again for getting 1st in State for Writing at that PSIA competition and she'd also earned Thespian Honor Society as well as"All Star Cast" recognition in the PSIA One Act Play competition! We knew about those awards before but it was nice for her to get recognized for all that in one ceremony! They are such super kids, if I do say so myself!! :) Well I'm going to go take a nap in the sunshine outside and read!