Thanksgiving: a month of gratitude

Starry starry night! Moody Gardens Festival of Lights the day after Thanksgiving. Copyright (c) Wendee Nicole 2012

Happy post-Thanksgiving and now onto Advent season - time is flying! I had a really beautiful Thanksgiving with my mom, stepdad and son. For Thanksgiving month, I posted daily gratitude to Facebook, and I thought I'd share the ones I have done thus far in the month of November with you all - and one of them from Thanksgiving day details what made Thanksgiving so special, so I won't repeat that here.

I actually keep a daily gratitude journal in which I write down 5 things I am grateful for before going to sleep. Sometimes it's actually hard to come up with them... on an off day. But they don't have to be related to that particular day, so sometimes it's as simple as "I love my bed!" I have found, over the years, my gratitude list often relates to a phone call or a visit with a friend at Starbuck's. The second most common are when I get or complete a writing assignment! What about you? Do you have a gratitude journal, or notice particular things showing up over and over?

Here is my November special gratitude list, in reverse order.

11/27 Today I give gratitude for the struggles that I face and have faced in my past and for the life lessons I have learned from them. I just emerged (am emerging) from an extremely difficult year in my life, mostly due to a struggle with my teen daughter (who I also am very grateful for). It has been heartbreaking and nearly tore me in two, and I still don't know the outcome of this situation. I was worried for my very life for a few months, but thankfully have emerged from the deepest depths of despair I faced a year ago. I seem to have lost a couple of friends in the darkest of times even when I needed them most. I still give thanks because in the darkest times, the Lord spoke this verse to me, "[W]e also rejoice in sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts..." Romans 5:3-5. And I would repeat that, and sometimes write it in my gratitude journal, "I am thankful for my suffering, because it brings hope." Sometimes, even now, I have nothing left but hope. And I do cling to that hope in bringing a positive outcome to the painful events of the recent year.

11/26 I am grateful for my amazing dad, Thomas Finlay, and all the life lessons he imparted through his love of the land, nature, progressive thought, intellectualism, and so much more. I am so grateful to have lived like a "Little House in the Big Woods" pioneer in the 1970s like so few others in the US have lived - outhouse, woodstoves for cooking and heating, raising our own chickens and veggies, and so much more. I'm grateful that he fought for custody of me when I was just 8, and the life lesson I learned that I could affect the direction of my own life, and that my opinion was worth listening to. ♥ you dad! http://bohemianadventures.blogspot.com/2011/06/crackerbox-palace.html

11/25 I am thankful for my writing career! I have gotten to do so many cool things (dive with sharks: http://bit.ly/Tnty7K), trek through Nepal in search of red pandas: http://bit.ly/rTBXpz), search for cassowaries in the Australian jungle: (http://bit.ly/UF41G0), & explore the Amazon Rainforest (http://bit.ly/Qi4AH7) just to name a few! I love writing about science, the environment and my biggest passion: wildlife!

11/24 I am grateful for being able to run, and that I started running when I was in 9th grade and never stopped… exercise is a joy to me and always has been.

11/23 Yesterday's gratitude: I am thankful for all God's creatures. I love love love wildlife and most of the items on my bucket list involve seeing animals in the wild :) I also love my kitty cats!

11/22 Today I am thankful for a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with my mom, my stepdad and my son. My mom and I took a bike ride to Starbuck's and the weather was delicious - sunny and yet cool with a slight wind - tantalizingly perfect. I loved the sound of my bike tires crunching the sycamore leaves on the path, and the five brown pelican perched on a log in the San Jacinto River we rode across. And how I love the San Jacinto River, my river... with the trees all changing color... and I'm so appreciative and thankful for my mom, and all she and my stepdad have done for me in my life, much of which I didn't appreciate until well far longer than it should have taken me. I'm thankful they paid for my college and college wasn't even an option -- I was going (well my stepdad did want me to pay my way, like he did, but my mom would have none of it. She'd never been to college, and I was going). I'm thankful for the forgiveness and love she has always shown me even when I have treated her badly, and that she will always love me with a mother's love. ♥

11/21 Today: I am deeply thankful for the peace – lack of war - I experience in my city, in my nation and in the places I have traveled. Even so, I am always cognizant of those experiencing war and violence abroad – let us never grow complacent of what others suffer. (And I am thankful for the cease fire in Gaza...)

11/20 Today I’m thankful for the golden hour, and the way the world looks in these beautiful moments of dusk. Tonight on my run, the golden sun illuminated the palmettos, sweet gums, and hickory trees on my favorite part of the path, and it was just lovely.

11/19 Today I'm thankful for love. In the words of Alfred Tennyson: "I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all."

11/18 I am thankful for the writers and thinkers who have most influenced my thinking, my faith, my outlook, and who have inspired me (in no particular order - though Scott Peck is definitely #1 on the list for a reason): M. Scott Peck, Anne Lamott, Alanis Morissette, Beth Moore, Christy Nockels, Liz Gilbert, Henri Nouwen, John Lennon, Jesus, Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr., Oprah Winfrey, Debbie Ford, Bill Moyers, Jane Goodall, Dian Fossey, Paul Cox, Helen Keller, George Orwell, Philip Yancey, CS Lewis, JRR Tolkien, Martin Luther, Harville Hendrix, Byron Katie. Saint Augustine, Melody Beattie, Rob Bell, Miguel Ángel Ruiz.

11/17 I forgot my gratitude yesterday - oops! So here's yesterdays: I am grateful for my sweet son Sam, who is kind, gentle-spirited, funny, smart and a gift from God to my life! ♥

11/16 Today I am thankful for a strong and healthy body! I am grateful I can work out, walk, ride bikes, run, hang upside down from the monkey bars :) I am thankful I have excellent health as do my children! A very big blessing I never take for granted, especially since as I age I know that things will start to hurt, ache, and become more difficult. Today, I live in the moment and appreciate what is!

11/15 Today I'm thankful for these beaded coasters because they represent a pivotal moment in my life when I realized I didn't need to wait for my husband (at the time) to make me happy by doing what I wanted. The responsibility for my happiness resided with me & so I went out & bought my own Xmas gift that I wanted. A small insignificant thing but truly groundbreaking in its implications.

11/14 Today I am thankful for my house, my home. I love it. It's been an awesome place to live for the past several years: safe neighborhood, spacious, colors on the walls, comfortable and I have loved having my own home as a single mom, and I'm proud of it! It's a great place to raise kids, and I will miss it when I move on from here in 2 years (the house, and my friends, but not Texas!) :)

11/13 Today I am thankful for my sweet kitten Pippin, who has given me much needed cuddles and sweetness in this phase of my life when I so need it!

11/12 Today I am thankful for sunshine! I love love love the sunshine!!!!

11/11 Today I am thankful for my friends around the world. You have no idea how much you mean to me, how you are all my dearest family and have touched my life beyond measure. Whether we are close now or were once, I will always love you all and be here for you, as you have been there for me, You are all the best people in the world and my life was forever changed by knowing you!

11/10 Today I am thankful for the gift of sight. What would the world be without it? As a fan of Helen Keller from a young age, I have always been aware and grateful for this amazing gift!

11/9 Today I am thankful for the awesome variety of fruits and vegetables and foods that are available to me, and relatively inexpensive! What a blessing!

11/8 Today I am thankful for freedom of speech -- that I live in a country where I am free to speak my mind. This right is one of the world's most precious.

11/7 Today, I am so so thankful that Obama was re-elected. It feels like a huge weight lifted off of me. I am grateful that he can fight for the concerns that I have as a citizen: global climate change, equality for all, sound science, continuing to improve the economy. I am so proud of people for getting out the vote, and though our country is in many ways divided, I am grateful for this amazing democracy. I put up with 4 extra years of Bush and survived, and now it's time for those who feel as I did then to suck it up and deal. Maybe, even, give him a chance. Bush, after all, is the one who gave us this massive deficit. So there ya go! It feels like a brand new day!

11/6 Today I am thankful for: butterscotch. Yum.

11/5 Today I'm thankful for these crisp fall mornings when I can wake leisurely, cuddled under my down comforter, read & drink tea (or, I was until my annoying cat started clawing at the carpet under the door... but I digress). Im thankful that I can work from home & set my own hours like this :)

thankful for a penny!

Sunset on the Galapagos... Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

"If you cultivate a healthy poverty and simplicity, so that finding a penny will literally make your day, then, since the world is in fact planted in pennies, you have with your poverty bought a lifetime of days." -Annie Dillard

I am feeling so incredibly much better than I was just a couple weeks ago, like night and day, which is surprising given some happenings in my life, but you just gotta roll with the punches sometimes (and, as the amazing quote says above... when you do not have much in the way of expectations, you are grateful for even the small, tiny , well, 'pennies').

Two weeks ago, I was very much in a pit, which was scaring me... so being the take-charge kind of person I am, I took some steps to turn it around. And thank God, it worked. Primarily I credit the 5-HTP I have been taking (5-hydroxytryptophan) -- an over-the-counter natural herbal remedy that is basically a metabolic precursor to tryptophan (you know, the stuff in turkey) which is then a precursor to serotonin. Many pharmaceutical antidepressants are SSRIs or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, which prevents the serotonin you have from being recycled into something else, but 5-HTP actually creates more. It has been used in Europe for a lot longer than here in the US and there are scientific studies showing it's both safe and effective. I read about it in two books which I checked out from the library (part of my quest to wellness): The Mood Cure and Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, which I mentioned a couple weeks ago. Anyway I have had some sadness now and then, but of a totally and completely different nature than "the pit" I was in.

Today, I actually felt one of those little jolts of happy energy and hope you feel sometimes, kind of randomly, and it hasn't gone away since it happened earlier. Praise God! I am hoping that it will stay with me for a while. Other than lifting my sorry a$$ out of my pit through spending time with friends, getting my butt back in church not to mention back in the gym, and doing a few theophostic prayer sessions (kind of like therapy, but with prayer), I've also been up to ...

I started attending a study group at my church for The Good Listener, a book on, well, listening. I want to be a better listener, particularly for my kids. There are about 8 women, all married for a long time and I'm the youngest and the only divorced woman and I thought it might be a little awkward but the discussion seemed good and the book is awesome so far. The first chapter made me cry! It told a story about Helen Keller when she came into a room, holding her rag doll and started wildly pulling the buttons from her grandmother's dress. Her grandmother screamed for help because Helen could be really wild and she was holding Helen's baby sister at the time. The father came in, frustrated, and her brother meanly said she should be locked up like the animals. Only her mother kept saying, "No, Wait! Wait! Helen is trying to tell us something. That's it! That's it! She wants her rag doll to have eyes." The mom sewed button eyes on the rag doll and Helen held the doll close and rocked it in her arms, calm and peaceful. The way it's written and the scene is so moving. The power of listening -- not just to the words but to the whole, big picture... to really see a person, as they are trying with their limited vocabulary and communication toolset to be heard and understood, and to have someone take the time to truly understand - to "see" what others may miss for lack of concern, busyness or impatience -- this is a beautiful gift we can offer to people. And I want to be a better listener. There are certainly times when I am a good listener, to friends in particular. But when the situation is challenging - usually family (as they say families put Miracle-Gro on our character defects!), then it can be another story.

I also applied to attend the Knight Science Journalism Food Boot Camp fellowship at MIT (never been to Massachusetts!) - wish me luck! With my obvious passion for food, it should be just a perfect opportunity to dig in and learn more and get some great story ideas, too. I really hope I get in! I may apply for the Vermont Law School Summer Media Fellowship also, and maybe the Metcalf Institute for Marine and Environmental Reporting fellowship in Rhode Island. All three sound super fantastic and I'd be thrilled to get into any of them. I love marine science and ecology, naturally, given my educational background and writing history for the past 17 years, but that's also the area I probably least need to "learn" from others in. On the other hand, there are always good story ideas to be had, and networking, and they are a lot of fun. I was accepted for the Scripps Howard Institute on the Environment in Jupiter, Florida in 2006, which was fantastic! In fact, several of us were reunited at the recent SEJ conference in Miami.

And I've been continuing on the (mostly) vegan, low sugar, healthy eating kick and have lost five pounds without even trying - yay! I'll give some more updates and recipes soon. It's time for bed - peace out!

vegan living, recipes and mood

Long live veggies! I started getting organic veggies from a local co-oop - this is my first order. For just $18 I got 3 pounds of apples, 7 pounds zucchini (for Zukamole), 3 bunches of kale, one romaine lettuce, 1 greenleaf lettuce, 1 celery - not bad! It all looked really healthy and vibrant too.

Hi pumpkins - how is everyone? I've been cooking up a storm. I've been vegan for 3 weeks now, and have cut processed sugar totally out (will have the occasional raw ball - recipe below) and coffee (ok to be honest, I have had about 4 or 5 cups throughout the entire time, but not one every morn and night the way I used to! And most of these have been this past week...) So all in all, quite a change for me since I have a major sweet tooth. I can't say I feel all that energetic and clear-headed the way a lot of people say they do when they go vegan, or cut sugar out (though I already was vegetarian so it wasn't a huge change). I do love the food, and the recipes are delicious and fun to make, but I am trying to create a lifestyle/diet that I can live with rather than going on a "diet" per se. So it's an experiment. I have actually been really down lately, and not sure what is all going on there. However, I got a couple books from the library (including Change Your Brain Change Your Life which I'd read before during my post-divorce depression- and the other book by the same author Making a Good Brain Great by Daniel Amen, MD and I also skimmed The Mood Cure by Julia Ross which a naturopathic doc friend of mine recommended) - and through reading I realized a few things. One, we naturally gravitate towards sugar and starchy carbs for a serotonin boost. I was doing this A LOT in my "previous life" and the other thing is that meat, milk, cheese have building blocks for many brain proteins. So since I cut out 95% of my sugar (and all white, refined sugar), plus all milk/dairy at the same time (I used to have a major ice cream kick going on) plus I'm vegetarian so no meat.... I'm wondering if all these things aren't affecting my mood... Has that happened to anyone else going vegetarian/vegan or cutting out sugar? Did it change after a certain amount of time passed?

So, I decided to start taking 5-HTP - a supplement that is a precursor to serotonin and clinical studies show it works. In fact in Europe they give it as a prescription. So... we'll see if it helps. I have to say that depression is a very real thing and I believe it has both biological and psychological roots - not one or the other only... In fact the two books by Daniel Amen he pioneered brain imagery for people experiencing different psychological issues including depression and how they changed back after either meds, natural supplements, or various other techniques. The one main thing that stuck with me from the post-divorce-depression read of that book was to "stamp out the ANTS" and ANT=automatic negative thoughts. And I have always had a lot of ANTS! So I'm working on that... the trick is to totally STOP the thought in process when you catch it, but also to replace it with a positive thought. I sometimes can stop the ANTs, but I always have trouble with the positive part... I always thought I was more Winnie the Pooh but now I think I'm more Eeyore...

I have been better the past couple days. But if you ever have a friend experiencing serious depression, here is an amazing and helpful article from CNN Health - How to Save a Friend from the Brink, sent by my friend who said just what I needed to hear at the right time. I love my friends so much, and I have to say there are a hell of a lot of people who don't have any idea how to respond to someone in that much pain. Usually they ignore it, thinking it's not serious, even when you tell them it is. It's society's fault, I suppose, but do yourself a favor and go read that - and let someone in your life who is down know "you matter to me." I mean it - do it now! :) (It wouldn't hurt to tell me, while you're at it!) :)

With that, I'll leave you with some recipes that have kept me occupied. I cooked for hours on Sunday and then again today. One of my secrets to sticking to the vegan lifestyle is to have prepared salads and recipes in the fridge at any given time, so instead of grabbing the corn chips, you have a lot of healthy options - dehydrated kale chips (I've got some drying now!), Mediterranean salad with cukes and tomatoes, toasted quinoa and some beans for protein.
This is what my counter looked like earlier when I was prepping about 5 recipes at once! I made green juice, a huge salad (aka bowl of health), kale chips, and the Mediterranean cucumber-tomato-caper salad. And see below for three of my favorite recipes!

Cauliflower Steaks
I made these the other day - easy peazy.

1/2 a head of cauliflower
one fennel bulb
Olive oil
2 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley
1 Tbsp grated Parmesan cheese (optional)
Fine sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

Preheat oven to 375.

Slice the cauliflower as you would cut a loaf of bread, making 1/2"-3/4" thick slices, two per person. (Now I don't know if there is some special way to do this so that the cauliflower actually stays together as a "steak". Mine kind of fell apart. But it still tasted great!) Arrange the pieces on a baking sheet and drizzle with a little oil. Sprinkle with parsley, cheese, salt and pepper. Cut fennel into slices and either bake on a separate dish or together with the cauliflower. (I've never roasted fennel but it is DELICIOUS! I love it raw in salads - it is the same thing as anise and has a slight licoricey taste but when roasted it doesn't. It really adds to the flavor with the cauliflower) You can save the green leafy top part and use it in salads, or in green juice! I use pretty much every part of every vegetable in my house...
Roast steak till golden brown, about 12-15 minutes. Flip the slices, drizzle with a bit more oil and roast an additional 10-12 minutes, until browned and tender.

This is what it looks like before you put it in the oven, I didn't get a post-cooking version but Oh. My.God they are SOOOOO good! Both kids loved them too! Ding ding ding we have a winner!!! Next up...

Green Power Soup
1 c cucumber chopped
1 c celery chopped
3 c kale chopped
½ c carrot juice
1 zucchini chopped
2 T lime juice, or lemon
1 T chili powder
2 cloves garlic
2 t flax oil, or olive oil
½ t jalapeno
1 t Celtic Salt
½ c red bell pepper diced
½ c tomato diced
½ c avocado diced

In a high-speed blender, blend cucumber, celery, kale, carrot, zucchini, lime, chili powder, garlic, flax oil, jalapeno and salt. Hand mix in the red bell pepper, tomato and avocado (I didnt do this - I just added it in the blender. I also added about 1" ginger root, and about 1 additional Tablespoon lime juice).
I only used a tiny amount of jalapeno but this pepper must have been spicy because the soup is spicy! I like it spicy but it was interesting - glad I didn't add more! It was really good! Kind of like blended together gazpacho. Serve cold, of course, since it's a raw soup.
(Almost...) Raw Balls!
Makes 10 - 12 (or 24 if you make smaller balls...)

1/2 cup walnuts
1/2 cup pitted dates
1/2 cup raw carob powder (if you can't find raw, regular is fine- that's what I used)
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup almond butter (raw almond butter IF you want the recipe raw, obviously)
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract (I forgot this - oopsie!)
1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt
1/2 cup whole almonds
2 cups shredded coconut (unsweetened)
1. Place the walnuts in a food processor & process until coarsely ground. Add the dates & pulse until well combined with the nuts.

2. Add the carob powder, maple syrup, almond butter, & salt. Process until mixture is thick & smooth.

3. Add the almonds, pulse a few times until combined, but you want them to remain in crunchy chunks so do not over process.

4. Form into golf-size balls with your hands. Roll the balls in coconut, unsweetened carob or unsweetened cocoa powder (I used carob for some and coconut for others).

The dough looks like this in the food processor. It sort of reminds me of the "energy nuggets" you can buy at Whole Foods and grocery store bulk sections. But better!

4. Place in a sealed container in the freezer until hardened.
Ta da! I eat them right out of the freezer and they're so good! In fact, before I cut out sugar, like during the Christmas holiday when I made these along with the truffles, and even my 1 "pre-clease week" (when I cut out dairy, MOST sugar but not coffee yet and not all sugar ie I had some soy ice cream, that kind of thing) - I would eat like 6 or more of these... now I can have one or max two and I'm totally satisfied. Trust me, that's huge progress!
Now go tell someone you love that they matter to you!

this too shall pass

This too Shall Pass by India.Arie

I achieved so much in life
But I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
But my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
But my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
But when the night falls so do my tears

Sometimes the beatings so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says

Depression is a bitch. It's the long struggle that some of us face, the beast that can cripple you every bit as much as a physical handicap, that can sneak up and bite you in the ass right when you think you've finally got things under control.

It's like another entity that takes over your normal upbeat personality and replaces it with someone who cries all the time, doesn't want to get out of bed, doesn't want to work out anymore, doesn't reach out to friends, really doesn't do anything more than what is absolutely required of each day - the assignments that must be done, the bills that must get paid. There's the confusion of what is cause and what is effect. Is the struggle and strife of certain relationships and friendships and family situations caused by this or causing this? Do I leave and run away and say goodbye, or will that make the depression worse? "My head and my heart are at war" as India.Arie sings in this song that I love. I heard it at the gym on my mp3 player and it spoke exactly what I was feeling.

But then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized
that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light

this too shall pass...

I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be as today
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper
this too shall pass

Oh child things will get easier
oh child things will get brighter
oh child things are gonna get easier
This too shall pass

I realized that this concert version does not have the full song...I don't like it as much as the hidden track version on the CD but it's all I can find online.

depression

Bumblebee on lavender, Green Gulch Organic Farm, near San Fran CA
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

I'm listening to the audio version of Brooke Shields' book Down Came the Rain: My journey through postpartum depression. I picked it up at the library the other day, along with 2 other audiobooks and wasn't even sure why. I figured I'd pop it in and if it was boring I'd stop and listen to one of the others. But the truth is, I've been transfixed. It's a good story, and she narrates it herself. I remember watching Brooke Shields in The Blue Lagoon. I was only 10 years old back then when it first came out. I loved that movie. It's funny I did a bit of googling about the movie to refresh my memory and I read that there was "Christian opposition" to it. I didn't grow up in an overtly Christian home so I didn't experience any of that. I never even heard of such a thing - opposition to movies or books or various ideas or anything.

Even though it's now rated R (I don't think movies were rated back then, though) I was allowed to watch it, and saw it as a very natural love story of how something like that perhaps could happen without the cultural rules and mores. And of course people that young definitely did those kinda things back long long ago. (OK I just reread that and I do not mean people today do not have sex at age 14 or 15... obviously. I meant sorta thinking that back in, say, cave people time, there were surely very different cultural norms...)

Anyway, I am more concerned about the effects of kids' exposure to violence and also the type of incessant negativity and criticism and tone of voice that takes place on many sitcoms than I am of sexuality. I think that most of these natural type things can be watched with the appropriate discussions. I don't actually watch actual TV myself, pretty much ever, but do rent TV shows on DVD, the latest being HEROES which I'm loving!

Anyway, I am enjoying the book. It talks about her struggles with depression after a long journey with infertility and In-vitro fertilization. Her baby was born just 3 weeks after her father died, and a couple years after a close friend had committed suicide. Yet she never thought she'd be prone to it, because depression wasn't something she'd ever dealt with in the past.

I never suffered from postpartum depression. But I have had bouts of depression at other times, most notably in high school after the date rape and after my divorce. And the truth is, the last few weeks I've felt very low, and very overwhelmed. It's bodily in nature and also heavy on my soul. There's not any acute reason. It's just a general feeling of overwhelm - my book deadline approaching, deadlines for so many things, financial stress, relationship dealings, life-in-general. But it's really getting me down. It's affecting my motivation. I am doing my best. I'll get through it.