back home

Sam and Savannah climbing a giant sand hill on Fraser Island, Australia.
Copyright (c) 2006 Wendee Holtcamp

I got home from the hospital last night. I came home to a very messy house, and I just started crying. It reminded me of how alone I was, and how lonely I feel sometimes. I honestly normally do not think of myself as lonely. I am pretty independent, and yet, when something like this hits, all those feelings come home to nest. I think they are especially heightened because I have become close to Doug, and now he's offshore for 3 months, and that is a darn long time. I got so much love and support from friends and family on my facebook page, in email and from phone calls, and a few visitors at the hospital but most of the time I sat in my hospital bed alone, with my laptop. Most patients had people there in their rooms 24/7. It was just a very lonely and scary time. Made worse by the fact that not one single doctor or nurse really seemed to care at all what was wrong with me, or in finding out!

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself, but the truth is I have never been hospitalized in my life. I've never been sick. I'm really healthy and when something so weird like this happens, it is very scary and it would be nice to have someone in my life who could be there with me. Doug once described our relationship as a young sprout that needs to be nurtured, and I agree, but can a young sprout of a relationship survive this kind of distance for this long? I don't have the answers. I wish I knew, and all I can do is hope and pray because I believe it is worth it. There's nothing I would like more than to have someone godly to share life with again, long term. I have so many questions for God, and just wish answers were more easily found.

I am working on my positive attitude thing, I have to remind myself, and count my blessings. In fact I think I need to restart up my gratitude journal. I have let that go by the wayside. I think I'll also start morning pages again. I have recommitted to praying and reading the Bible every morning which I usually do, but sometimes things get in the way like hospital stays.... they did not have Bibles there. Can you believe that?

So despite no real diagnosis as to why the right side of my body went numb, and a huge bill looming, and missing the heck out of Doug and feeling lonely and a bit scared, I am going to focus on the positive - the many wonderful friends I have, the roof over my head, the safety of my community, the career I love and the book I'm writing that I very much believe in the importance of, and the new President who gives me hope for a better tomorrow, a wonderful man who loves and adores me, and last but not least the hope and faith in my God, Jesus, who is amazing and radical... I will put one foot in front of the other and trust that He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future.

yowza

That's not a call I ever want to get again. Savie called at 630am from Matt's, woke me up to say they were taking Sam to the hospital & they'd pick me up on the way. She didn't even know what was wrong as M had already taken him down to the truck. I got ready quick & said I'd just meet them there to save time. I called again to find what happened while they were driving & apparently Sam had fainted in the bathroom, Matt heard a thunk & went in there. He had completely lost consciousness & he started to come to, but was very out of it. M took him right to the truck in his boxers & all. Sam got an IV & blood tests & a cat scan. We were there for about 4 hours. Sam has 2nd degree burns from being at the beach yesterday, blisters & all. M & Savie went fishing & hanging out at the beach with some friends & despite wearing spf 50 sunscreen they still got burned to a crisp! The fainting could have been just dehydration & sun stroke but we need to go to another doc to make sure. All the tests at the hospital turned out fine, praise God!

I just ate the yummiest blueberry banana protein smoothie, made extra yummy by marshmallows :) My microwave is on the Fritz which sucks because I use that thing all the time. I have no clue how to fix a microwave or even if you can! Its installed over the stove so I guess it would have to come out & a new one out in?! Anyone know?

I'm watching the special features on Crazy Sexy Cancer DVD, & which I just finished watching in full with the kids (Savie loves all things health/medical, & in fact was jealous that Sam got a cat scan because she wanted one! Ha! She is obsessed with discovery health channel, or was before we cancelled cable). Anyway so I am inspired by this doco to eat more raw foods. I think I'm pretty healthy but I eat crap sometimes. If I ever got cancer I think for sure I'd go all out super healthy juicing, raw foods etc. So why not now? In Nepal everyone was a vegan except Mickey who ate all raw (and also drank his pee, which I'll refrain from, thank you). I also really loved the wisdom of a black playwright Oni interviewed by Kris (the doco director & woman featured in the doco with cancer). Oni had this great technique of setting a timer for 10 minutes & writing for that time. Then she'd clean up or whatever for another 10 minutes , then back to writing for 10 minutes . I'm going to have to try this. Lately I feel very lazy & not like writing... I can blog no worries, but writing the assignments can be a drag sometimes. But deadlines are coming up so gotta hop to it. Sadly I just saw on the crazy sexy blog that Oni just died recently. She wrote a play, Tough Titty, about breast cancer and having a mastectomy. Here's a link to her Oni Fund, which benefits a college scholarship for her two boys she left behind.