back home

Sam and Savannah climbing a giant sand hill on Fraser Island, Australia.
Copyright (c) 2006 Wendee Holtcamp

I got home from the hospital last night. I came home to a very messy house, and I just started crying. It reminded me of how alone I was, and how lonely I feel sometimes. I honestly normally do not think of myself as lonely. I am pretty independent, and yet, when something like this hits, all those feelings come home to nest. I think they are especially heightened because I have become close to Doug, and now he's offshore for 3 months, and that is a darn long time. I got so much love and support from friends and family on my facebook page, in email and from phone calls, and a few visitors at the hospital but most of the time I sat in my hospital bed alone, with my laptop. Most patients had people there in their rooms 24/7. It was just a very lonely and scary time. Made worse by the fact that not one single doctor or nurse really seemed to care at all what was wrong with me, or in finding out!

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself, but the truth is I have never been hospitalized in my life. I've never been sick. I'm really healthy and when something so weird like this happens, it is very scary and it would be nice to have someone in my life who could be there with me. Doug once described our relationship as a young sprout that needs to be nurtured, and I agree, but can a young sprout of a relationship survive this kind of distance for this long? I don't have the answers. I wish I knew, and all I can do is hope and pray because I believe it is worth it. There's nothing I would like more than to have someone godly to share life with again, long term. I have so many questions for God, and just wish answers were more easily found.

I am working on my positive attitude thing, I have to remind myself, and count my blessings. In fact I think I need to restart up my gratitude journal. I have let that go by the wayside. I think I'll also start morning pages again. I have recommitted to praying and reading the Bible every morning which I usually do, but sometimes things get in the way like hospital stays.... they did not have Bibles there. Can you believe that?

So despite no real diagnosis as to why the right side of my body went numb, and a huge bill looming, and missing the heck out of Doug and feeling lonely and a bit scared, I am going to focus on the positive - the many wonderful friends I have, the roof over my head, the safety of my community, the career I love and the book I'm writing that I very much believe in the importance of, and the new President who gives me hope for a better tomorrow, a wonderful man who loves and adores me, and last but not least the hope and faith in my God, Jesus, who is amazing and radical... I will put one foot in front of the other and trust that He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future.

the saga continues

I miss this man! Two months is gonna be a loooong time! But he's worth it!

Here I am in the hospital, day 2. The saga has taken an interesting turn. This time last night the docs thought that I "may have had a stroke" (a small stroke, but still very scary!). Today, I am now less sure of my diagnosis - which is good if it's not a stroke, but bad cuz I like to know what the heck is going on! I had a brain MRI today and the neurologist thinks that it did not indicate a recent stroke. So that is good news, but neither he nor my primary doc had any suggestions then for what might cause the numbness. The numbness actually seems to be getting better. It still remains numb on my shoulder but it seems like it is reversing course... I'm not really numb on my leg anymore. So that's good.

Yesterday at about 11pm, I was moved to a shared overflow room with another woman who stayed up all night with the TV on, and during the day had her grandson (a baby who liked to cry a lot) with her. So needless to say I got about 4 hours of sleep last night and then could not really nap today. This afternoon they moved me to a normal patient room where I talked to my primary doc who didn't have any answers for me. So I'm staying another night and they did an MRI of my neck and middle spine. I thought I'd be doing that tomorrow but lo and behold they wheeled me down there about 6pm. I should add that about 2pm I started to feel kinda yukky, achy, fluey. I had a headache and they refused to give me Motrin because they were giving me aspirin for blood thinning (ONE per 24 hours!!).

I'm sorry but I'm on ASPIRIN and that is the only meds I'm taking and they won't give me Motrin? For crying out loud! And then get this, to get a heating pad they have to get DOCTORS ORDERS!! So they have to call the doc and get his permission. All I have to say is that this place is not run so efficiently... At one point, I asked for a 2nd pillow and it took 3 hours to get it, and that was with me asking 3 times. I would ask for water saying I was really dehydrated feeling and the nurse would say she'd be right there, and 20 min I'd go out in the hall and she'd be sitting there typing info into her computer. I know nurses are busy and there's lots to do, but I would think putting people first would be an important part of customer service...

OK enough whining. I am so blessed by all the friends who have sent me messages of support and love, and come by to visit and help out! Oh wait how could I forget the most important part? Stop reading if you are squeemish! When I was in the spinal MRI for 45 min and hearing all kinds of super louds pings and crashes (I swear it said badonkadonk at one point!! If you don't know what it is, google it! And I heard it on the Chapelle Show, which by the way, is hilarious!) Anyway so I was there feeling so close to vomiting that I was just telling myself don't move, don't move... suck it up, you can make it. I did have my little throw-up pouch in there with me, case I was gonna hurl, but the honest truth is I have an iron stomach and I RARELY throw up! So the tech finished up, and as soon as I stood up I was like, ooh I'm going to throw up where's a bathroom. Fast! So I ran in there and blehhhh three times I spewed great chunks of the food I'd eaten earlier. Don't you love when vomit comes out the nose? NOT!

So anyway am now even more confused. I have a fever now too. I do know a couple people who work and work out at the same gym I do have come down with serious illnesses, possibly viral, and have been admitted to hospitals in the last two days. They also have experienced some sort of muscular problems, numbness and inability to move limbs (a problem I have not had, gratefully).

So that's the scoop. Thanks for all the love and if you're inclined to visit, you should probably stay away so you don't catch it if it's contagious!! I hope to get out tomorrow... but I may not have any answers. Oh! Lullabies are playing - a baby was just born in the hospital!

hospital adventures

Short-eared owl in the Galapagos Islands
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

Well this is an interesting adventure. I'm at the hospital with a numb right side of my body. I came to the ER after realizing this is just not normal... I drove myself here. I waited for 5 hours. First I got through triage on the "fast track" (meaning faster then the dozens of other people, but it still took me 1 and a half hours of waiting). Then once in the back I sat in a room with 3 others for a few hours, during which time they took blood, and did a cat scan, all the while I kept having to remind people of my existence. The cat scan was interesting. You lie on this machine and they put your head inside this thing you've probably seen in the movies. It made a weird wooshie sound like the ocean.

So around 530pm, the ER nurse read my bloodwork and the cat scan and said oh it's probably nothing but then the ER doc looked at my work and said this isn't normal, it might be a stroke (there's something on my brain) and you need to be admitted. So I've been alone all day but I start updating my facebook page and then all of a sudden a bunch of people showed up! Only one person is allowed at a time in the ER though, so first Matt and the kids stopped in and - thank God - brought my cell phone charger (my lifeline to the world via text and facebook mobile - thank God for it!) and laptop and a book and food! At first the ER doc said no food, and then later another one said "regular diet" so I was like, "Quick bring me food before they change their mind!"

Then a few other friends came up and visited. They did this ultrasound scan thing of my neck arteries, and they ordered an MRI of my brain but apparently everyone's gone home for the night and no one is gonna take time to look at me or do the MRI until morning. I'm not hooked up to any monitoring machines, so how the heck do they know if I get worse? Sheesh. I am already a skeptic of the medical-pharmaceutical-industrial-complex!

Oh, so they moved me into a holdover area of the main hospital in a room shared with someone else, and it's midnight so I am going to bed. Everyone's said their prayers and there ain't nothin I can do. I'm feeling ok at the moment. Was a bit scared earlier but I just feel tired now. And yes my body is still numb on the right side. It has actually gotten worse all day - was first only on my shoulder/back then spread down my arm and now down my leg to my toes. It's a very odd sensation. I don't feel any pain though. I feel a bit loopy and like my brain isn't quite functioning properly. I'm alone now - that's the sad part. I need a bulldog advocate for my health! I wish Doug was here but he's offshore! :(