love, dignity, and judging

The snowman we made at the outskirts of Yosemite National Park, California
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

I composed a blog post in my mind earlier this morning and now I think I've forgotten everything I was going to say. Seriously. Crap.

Oh yea! Now I remember. (I sat here for like 5 minutes drawing a blank! See maybe I did have a cerebral infarction after all...) Anyhoo... After my divorce, I had to take off my wedding ring and I wanted to replace it with a ring that would remind me of my commitment to God. When I was browsing the Portland Saturday Market back in 2004 I think, I bought myself a simple ring that has three intertwined bands of silver. It reminded me of the trinity - how three things can be both three and yet one. And so I wear it on my right hand, ring finger.

When I was in a grace group session last fall at my church (a 12-week group that is part of the Open Hearts Ministry, helping men and women rise above the various forms of abuse we've faced in our pasts - covering shame with grace) one of the lessons changed the way I view that ring. Our leader was talking about how no matter what has happened to us in the past, or what we have done in our own lives, that God gives us a ring of dignity. She was speaking metaphorically but it really hit home, that every time I look at that ring, it's not about my commitment to God, because that just leaves me feeling dismayed at the ways I fail and fall short. But that ring tells me that I am a woman of dignity regardless of my sin and my mistakes and my human failings, because God is on my side - that God is FOR me, that God will never leave me, that God is good, and God is love and God is truth. All these things came back to me because I'd taken my ring off and set it on the table, because it was bothering my hand. When I saw it sitting there later, all these thoughts flooded me.

Sometimes I fear making decisions or being myself because of the way others judge me, especially other Christians (though to counter this fear, I tend to boldly be myself anyway just to make a point!). But I believe we should not judge others because you have not walked in their shoes or seen the world through their culture and experience and life. You see only a slice of their life - this moment in time. Only God sees the whole show, and knows the heart inside and out from beginning to end. I don't know why these thoughts came to me as I was looking at my ring, but they did and I felt I needed to blog them. Someone out there needs to read them. I often make one mistake after another in relating to people and in my own life, but one thing is for sure, I am loved by God always, always, always (and the same goes for you!). And we should love each other in their imperfection as beloved perfect children of God also. Hate the sin, love the sinner! And another thing is sure, I'm committed to learning how to love God in response, and that means how to love people better.

With that in mind, this quote came back into my life yesterday. I had shared it with a friend a while back and now she shared it with me - in a random sort of way. I think I'm going to print it out and put it on my mirror (I have a collection of a few quotes and Bible verses there).

It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than it is to relieve the pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.
- Mother Teresa

And the other quote that came to mind I have included on this blog before, but I will do so again: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of Alexandria

Last, I have been thinking again about one of my favorite positive influences, SARK or Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy. She writes wonderful inspiring books using color markers! Her posters are often on pediatrician's walls. Check out her website, Planet Sark. I don't know why but I started thinking about her today and grabbed her book Succulent Wild Woman: Dancing with your wonder-full self off my bookshelf and started thumbing through. I subscribed to her free e-newsletter. I could use some of her positivity. Also check out her online journal - Sark Journal. It's a lot of fun! I'm adding it to my blogroll. Below is one of her posters, appropos right now with the stress over my hospital bills, and the economy in general. I keep hearing of friends losing their jobs. Things can be scary, but somehow so far I'm trying to not let it become a primary focus. I may gripe about it but I don't think about it constantly. Like Trish said to me, water the things you want to grow! I need to plant some money and water it! :)

You are safe!

Savie and Sam about to go to homecoming dance. This was to their private school homecoming for basketball. So grown up!

metamorphosis

Butterflies drinking pee in the sand along the Rio Madre de Dios, Peru.
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

I finally have finished all three articles that I had on my plate - whew! I normally feel a sense of relief, but I feel I'm still on the treadmill of work.... I'm going to go have some fun tonight, and then will start working on my book again this weekend. Right now, I'm heading to the gym to get some of this angst off my chest.

Have been doing some soul-searching lately. I'm just about finished with a 12-week "grace group" which is offered at my church and part of the Open Hearts Ministry. It's a program for survivors of abuse of various kinds (they define abuse broadly) and it's actually really amazing and intense. I think every week tears have been shed, sometimes body-wracking sobs. It's one of those "real" groups, where you can push one another's buttons, and yet instead of people walking away - as is my experience when you're not "perfect" (or someone's idea of how you should be), the leaders push you to see your own issues, and help you see them in a new light. As they put it, the point is to cover "shame" with "grace." To be real, but to work through the issues that arise rather than either pretending they don't exist and being polite, or walking away from the situation, you learn to work through them. Not necessarily to always agree, but to agree to love the best in the other person.

Too often, we either project our failures and issues onto others (other-based contempt) or we blame ourselves for everything (self-contempt). One goal of this program is to help people see the past, how it affected our behavior in the present, to see what is needed to move forward, and to reaffirm our worth and dignity, as a loved child of God. It's great because it's not preachy or churchy at all but very very real and down to earth. It's a Christian ministry but they even show how the hyper-churchiness of some people is itself a foil or a learned behavior to avoid the painfulness of facing reality. I'm definitely not of the hyper churchiness type but I use a different persona, a sort of ambivalence persona, where I can go back and forth between two extremes of feelings or thoughts. The program tries to help everyone "diffuse" some of the pain and so that when a certain situation pushes our buttons we don't over-react and revert back to our behaviors. Like everything, it's a process.

For me, I hate being ignored. I hate the space of not-knowing. It drives me bat-shit crazy (pardon the French). I do not like to make assumptions (good or bad) about people, and if anything I often assume the worst possible outcome for myself, while wishing for the best and wishing and not wanting to believe in the sometimes very clear signs in front of me. I like to offer up grace and hope and believe in the best in people (and if that's not confusing enough to read, try living in that space!) :) It is not (obviously) the best thing in the world for me, because I can cling onto hope when hope is a long-dead horse. But I also believe that is how God loves each and every person on earth. I believe there's hope for even the most wretched person to see the light of truth, the light of love, and to catch a glimpse of their own sinfulness in the mirror, even those in the greatest denial. I myself have in the past been in denial of some of my behaviors. And I'm probably in denial still, of something. I see the light in just about every person I meet, even when they later deeply disappoint me. I wish always for a way forward. I believe there always is one, though sometimes it requires time away.

A life of constant seeking and self-introspection I think is the best way to go in order to be honest about how we are, and how we affect others. I wish others would always give me a chance to show my best self, but that chance is not always offered. That's what breaks my heart. Because I do try to be a good friend, and I'm grateful that I have that opportunity to be a friend to so many people who have stayed in my life over the years. My friends are my family. And I truly do love everyone who has come into my life and touched it gently and with love. Even those who have hurt me, whether they meant to or not, I try to offer them prayers and love and hope that one day there will be reconciliation.