feed the poor and love your enemies

I was out in the field with biologists and water planners on a really cool wetlands water filtration project at Richland Creek Wildlife Management Area on Monday. Check out the photo of the before and after water. The water on the left is what it looks like coming out of the Trinity River, which comes downstream from the Dallas/Ft Worth area. The water on the right is after going through several wetland cells and several days in the wetland. Pretty cool aye?

I have been thinking really hard about how I can make my life and career to serve God and to follow Jesus' example. I always think that I strive to always help others as much as I can, and to do work - both paid and unpaid - that helps the environment which I know ultimately benefits humankind and honors Creation and the Creator. I strive for this with my writing and nonprofit work and just in my personal interactions with friends and colleagues. But I still wondered, just what is it that God commands us? I don't think it is the 10 commandments because those are the shall nots, not the shalls. I don't mean to imply we should neglect to obey them, I mean that Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God, and all the commandments are summed up in that one - if Jesus was about anything in addition to forgiveness it was to show how wrong it is to be legalistic about religious rules! They are for our benefit and must obey from love and a genuine desire. And at the same time we're all forgiven... Anyway, so the other command after Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength and mind is to love your neighbor as yourself.

Jesus also tells us to feed the poor, and to love our enemies. So as I was driving, and last night in my contemplative bath, I was wracking my brain to ponder, how can I do these things? Does my writing or teaching help the poor? Not really. How can I change this? Does Jesus' command include the "poor in spirit" as he mentions in the Beatitudes? I do feel I try to reach out to teach spiritual truths that I feel I have learned and that may help others that may be "poor in spirit." I can teach some things I've learned and can learn some things I need to learn from others.

But really I need to figure out how I can help the poor. I have a grand idea that I just need a benefactor for. I think that we should eliminate poverty in the third world nations by developing a well-thought out plan to eradicate feral hogs and package the meat and send it to those countries in need. This is not everything. Man can not live on feral hog alone. But it would be a way to tackle on environmental problem and a social one simultaneously. I don't believe people who say we can't get rid of them- they're too invasive, too omnipresent. If we could get rid of passenger pigeons that numbered in the gajillions, we can get rid of feral hogs IF there is a driving, concerted, well-planned out effort concentrated over a particular duration and not stopping until it's done. We used this strategy to do much evil in the world - now it's time to use it to do good. Feral hogs cause an incredible amount of environmental damage and cost a lot of money to taxpayers through the efforts state agencies must take to keep them from causing worse damage. We should channel that money toward eliminating poverty. But I would not know where to start with this plan. Any ideas?

The other thing is how to love and pray for my enemies. Who are my enemies? I don't think I have any real personal enemies (I hope!). But... there are environmental enemies. How do we love environmental enemies? Who are they? I think of corporate America. Not the businesses in themselves but the greed that can take over corporate decisions when even the individuals are good people. When a company puts the bottom line before people and that includes above the environment which we all absolutely need for survival and quality of life. How do I love the companies that make stupid decisions and just look for profit? Through education I suppose - it's the only way to teach people that they are ultimately harming themselves and their children's children. Inspiration and teaching appreciation for the beauty, grace, and joy that exists in a tree, a bird, a flower, a laughing child playing in the mud or catching butterflies... this is one way.

money fears

I have been listening to one of Suze Orman's audio-CDs on money and financial freedom etc and she has you work through your first memory memory, your greatest fear and then connect the two. Then you come up with a personal statement and you're supposed to repeat it over and over all up and down and all around until it becomes a reality. Suze had become a stock broker from being a waitress and she felt like a fraud so she told herself she was "powerful and successful, making at least $10,000 per month". In 1980 this was a ridiculously high amount - she had been making $400/mo at her waitress job. But before long she really was!

So I have toyed around with this. At first I had (this is kind of embarrassing - lol) "I am generous, joyful, powerful and successful, making at least $50,000 per month." but then I decided I really don't like the word powerful. It's not me. I don't want power. So I changed it to healthy since that is something very important to me. This has been my slogan for the past week or so. But I have been thinking that I'm not sure about whether there is a conflict between the whole "You can not serve both God and money" thing and striving for financial prosperity by putting an actual dollar amount. I don't want money for money's sake but I think of all the things I could do with it to help "save the world" and all - to be honest, I am inspired by Oprah. She is truly a personal hero of mine. She started off dirt poor like me and has become not only a successful and extremely financially successful woman, but a beautiful soul who has and shares a lot of joy with the world.

My dad chose a life of voluntary simplicity and voluntary poverty, while my mom had more a lifestyle of "wealth" while constantly telling me she didn't have enough money for this that and the other ... and so I wonder if I sabotage my ability to be completely free of that fear where I'm stuck in between the fear of having nothing and the fear of overwhelming success. I always feel like I don't "have enough," (time, money, everything!) when in reality I am blessed with an abundance! It is attitude. I had nothing with my dad and yet I had everything.

I do fear having a lot of money. It's easier to be doing medium well, not in debt and having some good assets, but not so well it's overwhelming. And yet does this fear keep me from achieving more? Do I sabotage my own ability to get ahead by my semi-conscious fears? Or am I right to not try to make money but to try to create a career I love and prosperity will follow (or at least I will be able to "make it"). Do I have a "right" to become wealthy if that were to happen to me? I think there are also fears because of the biblical passages of it being easier for the rich to get through the eye of a needle than get into heaven. Yet in reality, compared to the majority of the world, I am already far wealthier than most people in the entire world (as are all middle class people) so this admonishment applies already.

I don't have any answers, just questions today.

gnocchi!

We kicked off our dinner parties with a gnocchi making dinner at Sonia's yesterday. It is an Argentinian tradition to eat gnocchi on the 29th of each month and to place money under the plate to bring prosperity. This is a funny story because at the SEJ (Society of Environmental Journalists) conference a bunch of writers and editors went out in Austin the first night and one editor kept saying he needed to go find "nyo-key" and it sounded like some Japanese thing. I didn't know what the heck he was talking about! I had seen the word "gnocchi" but pronounced it no-chee. As soon as Sonia said the word I was like - oh my gosh!!! Ding ding ding!!! It all made sense...

It was not the 29th but we celebrated anyway and all put money under our plates for prosperity. No one had any money so I gave everyone dollar bills. Does that mean I get all the prosperity? LOL. Sonia taught us all how to make gnocchi and it was so fun! Here are some photos from the evening.

Next I am hosting a "Reverse Super Bowl Party" at my house: Watch the commercials and talk during the football! I am overbooking myself (darn that multi-tasking) because after I sent out the Evite I realized I was going to be in Florida the same day! However I fly back in at 120pm, so will have to get home and get ready for having a party at my pad the same day. At least in Florida I should have some relaxation time... beach, massage, body wrap, exploring a beautiful island... I'm going to Amelia Island Plantation Resort.

I interviewed a biologist who studies red panda (nigale poonya - love that word! lol) in Nepal and I am sooo stoked about the possibility of going there on one of their trips. I have to sell a story on this critter! They are the closest relative of the giant panda, they eat bamboo, and they look more like a fox than a panda! The name panda came from Anglicization of the Nepalese word poonya. Check out the website: http://www.redpandaproject.org or go to Red Panda Eco Trip info directly.

Stormy rolling gnocchi on a gnocchi board.

Sonia serving up our gourmet home-made gnocchi!

Sonia making crepes!

getting ahead

The nice thing about working from home is I actually have time to get some things done that I have been meaning to for oh, say a few years?! Like backing up my computer. Thank God for microsteps, but I bought a hard drive backup in late December, and it took me nearly a month to figure out how to use the software and get the backup right. The first time it backs up, it takes literally over 24 hours and makes my computer act like a slimy crawling thing. (i.e. A slug). It's annoying as hell since I'm typically in hyperactive-multi-tasking woman mania! So I did my first back up a few weeks ago. Or so I thought. Yesterday I went to check whether the files were actually there on the external hard drive and they were not! I had done a "duplicate" not a "backup" but I could not even find the duplicate files. So I read the online manual (when all else fails, read the manual...) and I had to do a different operation! So now I think I actually have it, after a gazillion tries... success!

I also have been working on my 2005 taxes early. This is a first.. I have never begun organizing the files until March at the earliest. In an act of decluttering mania, I have also gone through my file cabinets and recycled two huge garbage bags full of old paper stuff. Decluttering is so satisfying! LOL I sound like a total dork, but that's ok that is typical ;)

I am also trying to plan out my meals so that I can be prepared and save money (in theory... in practice I have found so many yummy recipes that I'm spending a small fortune at the grocery store to get new items). I am continuing my healthy eating post-cleanse. I am really enjoying it! I used to love cooking but the last year or two of my marriage I got sick of making food and feeling unappreciated so I kind of just gave up. I stopped making much of anything. It was a semi-conscious deliberate move but I think it hurt me more than anything since I and the kiddos didn't eat as healthy. I made this very yummy spinach-tofu quiche that is sooo good with salsa, and my first post-cleanse meal was an awesome soup with all kinds of veggies, brown rice, miso, curry, turmeric, cayenne, and cumin. I made a cabbage-apple-walnut salad tonight. I am introducing foods slowly into my diet & have not yet had wheat or most dairy. I've been having soy milk and soy products a lot. Well anyway I have not had many internal mental meanderings which is why I am blogging less and I've been really trying to focus on getting caught up and all. Sorry this is so mundane... no more talk about frozen pee, what can I say. LOL.

However! I am going to jet off to a resort in Florida next week, for a bit of pampering and relaxation, horseback riding on the beach, you know, it's a rough life but somebody's gotta do it! And Wednesday we are having our dinner party at Sonia's where we are all gonna cook homemade gnocchi and pasta sauce - I am so looking forward to that! And drink some wine! Because I'm not driving! :) I have some cool assignments I'm working on too. So I'm staying hopping! Peace to all!

nature and death

I was reading some of my old posts from New Mexico and it made me realize how free and joyful I was during the time there. It really is different back here in suburbia and I miss nature. I don't just take off and walk in the afternoons and dangle my feet over the mountain ledge, or watch the sunset. Or the stars. Or the sunrise. Or awaken to the yip of coyotes. It is a different world, this suburban jungle. I was walking to my mailbox today - about 50 feet from my front door - and just thinking how ugly it is here. I felt like "I don't belong here." I talked to my kids about moving to some land and building a house, but they like it here. For the first time in their life, they have friends to play with just down the street and they have people over all the time. I'm torn, as they have the country life with Matt's home and I travel enough to get my nature. Maybe I just need something different but still with people close by. I miss nature being just outside of my doorstep.

There's a little girl in my daughter's class whose father died a few years ago right before school started. It was the first year my kids had gone to this school, so I had never met her dad. Today I saw a plaque that said "in loving memory" of her father and it just made my heart break. It makes me sad because life just goes on, you know. For a child, how can you comprehend the immenseness of a loss that large? None of her peers can really understand what it must be like, and so she must internalize it to some degree as I'm sure she can't just sit and talk about it or cry about it as an adult would with friends and family. I know as an adult, you grieve the loss of a loved one for years. Yet a child can't just go into a deep depression (which I believe, if temporary, is a natural part of the grieving cycle). She just carries on as if nothing had happened almost. Yet we humans can be so strong. We can overcome so much, but most often we don't - we internalize and don't learn how to move on and become stronger from adversity - we get stuck replaying those childhood traumas for the rest of our lives. I pray it isn't so for this little lady, as she is smart and funny and has so much going for her.

overall things are going well, just trying to keep all the balls juggling and balanced - have slipped some but they're still juggling! I find it interesting that as my new year resolution is to be closer to God and I am working on this (have set aside mornings to pray and read the bible every day - and have except for i think 2 days), that i also have found other aspects happening naturally. I didn't make health or friendships or finances a "resolution" because i want to put God first and let all else follow. but I've found I'm naturally falling into things that are along those lines - and it seems to me to honor God to take care of my body through eating healthier and choosing products more in line with what I believe to be environmentally and socially responsible products, and to develop my friendships more closely, and to work on a solid financial plan. all these things have been blessings already in this new year.

I'm excited about cooking again for the first time in a long time, and about some get togethers with friends I've planned, and about some very cool articles i'm writing this year. there is much to look forward to! and much work to do. i love the freedom of working for myself!

hats off to MLK

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I heard Martin Luther King Jr's speech on the radio - twice in fact today. The first time I was in the auto shop waiting on my car and I mentioned it to the kids, who said they didn't care and so I explained to them its importance and his importance in our nation's history. The private school they go to has a mix of black, white, and Hispanic kids and I really enjoy the diversity aspect of it for a private school. I love that my children will grow up and not see black children as "other" than them, that they will know they are just people like them with a different skin color, but they are friends and peers with them in a way that even I wasn't in the 1970s and 1980s growing up. My kids seemed more interested when I pointed it out to them.

My son has been asking why we don't have any black people in our church and I don't know what to say to that question. I have heard it said that the church is the last of the segregated places. I don't know why but I do know that Kingwood Texas is pretty pasty white though that is changing. It's not that it's purposefully segregated. I remember hearing a friend of mine (not a close friend and I don't keep in touch with her anymore) say she was looking at houses and she liked one but there were black neighbors, and she said "I don't have a problem with black people. I just don't really want them to live next to me." I was shocked! And disgusted!

I am thankful that neither of my parents were discriminatory in any way and I grew up not seeing black people as any different than me on the inside. In fact I rather think people of culture have a lot of strength that some whites just don't have. My first boyfriend was dark-skinned, I think he was from Barbados or something. Kind of Tony Kanal coloring. I grew up listening to funk, and steeped in its culture by my dad - Bootsy Collins, Rick James, etc. My first concert was Rick James in 5th grade - Superfreak, yea! :) Woohoo! I had just moved back to live with my mom, and he was coming to Dallas and I told her I just HAD to go see him! So we went: my brother, my mother and me. My mom said we were the only white people there (I didn't even notice). I do remember him coming on stage with a gigantic joint. I mean several people had to hold it! LOL.

Anyway the second time I heard the speech I was heading to church for a care group meeting and it brought tears to my eyes. He is such an inspirational leader and our nation is truly blessed that he lived.

"We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. we must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force."
...
"I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood."

"I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

"I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day."

Amen to that.

sisterhood of the lemonheads

Today is Day 10 of the Lemonade Cleanse, and I am truly grateful for my sisters in lemonhead-hood Daline and Amy. On http://www.therawfoodsite.com/ there is a group of people who have done the cleanse who refer to themselves as lemonheads. I thought that was pretty funny. I only meant to go 7 days, but the book by Stanley Burroughs recommends a minimum of 10 so I decided to stick it out. Honestly I only intended to try it for a few days, maybe 3 or 4. I had no idea I would feel this good or stick it out this long. As my son said "I didn't know you could live on lemonade for that long!" LOL.

Well the lemonade has a lot of sugars from the natural maple syrup, vitamins in the form of freshly squeezed lemons and cayenne pepper. You can apparently fast on it for quite some time. I think 10 days is enough for me, and I'm going to start the transition where today I drink some orange juice, then tomorrow I have OJ and homemade vegetable soup. It's been so cool to have two friends to share stories about what's happening to our bodies and our thoughts and to share what we've read about in terms of detox issues and health issues, and to motivate one another to continue in a healthy lifestyle. I'm going to try to do shorter detox cleanses for each organ system - where you have herbal tonics and foods that target a specific organ. First I'm going to get on a normal, albeit healthier, eating plan again!

I put the photo of my rice steamer with all the fresh veggies cut up and the glass jars filled with bulk items and it just looks so vibrant and healthy and yummy (it's on 1/8) and I also put a photo of my candlelit bath on 1/12. I am now in the habit of taking all my showers by candlelight and it's so much more peaceful.

This is something interesting: http://beyondwellbeing.com/herbs/tongue-diagnosis.shtml
You can diagnose some of your ailments using a tongue analysis! Of course you would have to go to an actual naturopathic doctor to get a formal analysis but this site was very interesting. During detox most people develop a white/yellow coating on the tongue that is normally present during illness but occurs during detox because you're clearing out all the built up residues in your body and they leave through every organ system (skin, elimination, and apparently the tongue). Supposedly the coating will clear up and the tongue will turn pink again when the detox is complete but I still have a bit of a coating although it appears to be less than a few days ago. Interesting... It will be interesting to observe as I get back on normal food what happens.

spam and balls of string

Since I've switched ISPs I've been getting more SPAM. Not much, but more is slipping through the cracks. These just crack me up.

Sent from the "Admissions Office" (never mind that it doesn't say what university):

"Happy Holidays. We are happy to inform you that thanks to a private nomination, you are now eligible to obtain an official University Degree."

Wow! I'm eligible to receive a university degree! LOL. Is this one of those mail-order diplomas? I can't believe people actually would fall for this kind of stupidity. Then again, this is an insane day and age, when people believe things like that dinosaurs roamed the earth with people...Any day the President of the Flat Earth Society is going to run for election or something.

And today, I got a Spam that says I should "Build my family, make kids with Spermamax." What a name! The sad thing is it preys on people who maybe have infertility problems and obviously it's some crank.

Lately I have found myself annoyed very easily at people who are either doing something that annoys me (lol) or who are incompetent or otherwise frustrating. There was this really nice guy at TD Waterhouse who was helping me set up my account on Quicken and the guy was in the department that helps people with this specific task, and he was reading the manual and had never used the program! And of every time I've called (about 7) I've only ever gotten one guy who knew it backwards and forwards (and go figure, the phone got disconnected and I didn't get his name). Why do these companies not train their people to know what the heck they are doing? The nice guy ended up almost making me lose all my files by making me create a new file instead of a new account within the file. Fortunately I figured it out.

Then there are people who I care about or work with or other situations that are just frustrating me to no end. I am one to speak my mind, and sometimes that gets me into trouble. I am trying to impose a 24-hour email rule on myself. I see vast improvements in certain areas of my life, including that of patience, but on the other hand sometimes it truly is a dance, an untangling of string, this journey of spiritual and emotional maturation.

Today I really thought about the analogy of untangling a ball of string. Sometimes you have to go backwards to get the tangle out. If you fight against the backing up direction, and pull straight toward the direction you ultimately want to go, you will end up with a knot, not an untangled ball of string. I think that my impatience with people comes with seeing behaviors that cross my boundaries- judging me, codependence, lack of true communication, denial, narcissism, tunnel vision, seeing only their perspective. I think that my change in response is indeed growth in this area, as when someone does something that maybe hurt my feelings or annoyed me in the past I'd get upset or try to do everything to fix the situation. I still try to live at peace with all people, insofar as it is possible with me, but now I don't depend on people's approval as much, and I don't really care if I say something that offends someone else if that is an inevitable result of my marking my own boundaries and stating my truth and standing up for what I believe to be right, or right for me. If someone's narcissism is darkening my world, it's better for me to remove myself from the situation and distance myself from that person even if it's someone I love.

I am past the point where these kind of things make me upset or sad, where I'd cry or be sad about it. Does that just mean I am jaded or hardened? I don't think so. I know that relationships will have bumps, and you just state your truth and work it out. If the other person can't listen then that conversation is over. If they do, then you can have real dialogue. But maybe I am too quick with my jabby responses when someone responds in a way I don't like. So I need to work on that 24 hour rule... Because it always comes across worse than I feel it in my heart. My annoyance is usually short-lived and easily fixed, but sometimes you do have to distance yourself from negative people. There is always prayer, which I do believe is a powerful way to influence the world. Skeptics may not agree, but prayer is a beautiful, peaceful way to put forth positive loving desires into our own hearts and minds and into the world's collective conscience and before the throne of God.

lemonade and computers

Four days on lemonade and I'm surprisingly energetic! Maple syrup has a lot of calories, and lemon and cayenne pepper provide the vitamins. It has been great having two friends doing this at the same time to compare notes with. I think that it's not necessarily the lemonade as some super tonic but the act of abstaining from all the junk in our SAD (Standard American Diet) that benefits the body. Preservatives, artificial colors, artificial sweeteners, and even all the healthful foods that can cause subtle allergies in some people that we may not even recognize (gluten/wheat, dairy, etc). So by ridding the body of these for several days, the body can begin to function healthily. I think I will be far more conscious of what goes in my body and I've already started throwing out a lot of things in my fridge that have yukky ingredients. Amy and I have done yoga and went to the steam room at a couple places and it's been great. We are using our complementary 30-minutes free in the Spa as a reward for completing 7 days! It's too bad Daline can't come and join the celebration since she is in Moab!

My computer went on the fritz last night - NOT GOOD! It was in this weird endless loop where Windows would not load, even in Safe Mode. Being the persistent little bugger that I am, I tried it over and over about 15 times and wha-la! Miraculously one time it started in safe mode!! I was able to then go back and select an earlier version of Windows that was operating properly. Now it has installed updates and I'm concerned it will crash again. I keep telling it not to reboot. Lord, have mercy! :) I am meanwhile frantically backing up everything on CD. In fact, I also had bought an External Hard Drive and had JUST backed everything up - but I honestly don't know if it worked, and I've also just learned that you have to pay someone to retrieve all the darn info if you need it! How lame is that? Seems easier just to have backups of the critical docs on CD.

shameless plug - free $250 Starbuck's card...

You can get a $250 free Starbucks card by completing this, but for ME to get mine, I need 5 people to sign up for this - you have to complete at least one offer - some cost $ and some are like a credit card or AOL Trial - you can cancel them right away. What I did was the Free Coffee Roasters thing b/c you get a free Cuisinhart coffee maker and coffee bean grinder for $29, and then you can cancel the membership after that (I have done this with Gevalia) so you don't have to keep paying for the coffee (unless you like it...)

http://freecoffeecard.peel.com/refer.php?l=stb12764913dxosy

I'm begging you - hee hee :) I could really use some Starbuck's coffee when I get off this Master Cleanse!

weirdest place to put cayenne pepper

Weirdest place to put cayenne pepper: lemonade.

I am doing a Master Cleanse, which is otherwise known as the Lemonade Diet. It's really not a "diet" because it's not for the purpose of losing weight but for purifying and cleansing out one's body and organ systems. I am doing it with my friends Daline and Amy for up to 7 days, so we are providing support for one another. In the morning you do a sea salt water cleanse, and I tell you, it cleans you out!

I did a Detox Diet for 4 days prior to this, which was eating all vegetables, fruit and whole grains and avoiding wheat or wheat relatives (no oats, barley). I ate buckwheat and quinoa (keen-wa - one of those words that once you know how to say it, you still want to say it the other way like kwin-o-a). I loved cutting up all the veggies and seeing them in the steamer - they just looked so wholesome and delicious (and were!). I had already given up coffee and Diet Coke on the Detox so it has not been bad going on the Master Cleanse at all (some experience some bad side effectis of headache, etc the first day or two). On the Detox I had a really bad headache the first couple days. Now I am fine, just hungry! The lemonade has 1 1/4 cup of maple syrup and organic lemons juiced up fresh (with pulp) and cayenne pepper. I'm not starving, just wanting food. I'm coming to recognize how much the act of eating and food are comfort to me.

Amy and I took a trek down to Whole Foods - I had never been to the Houston Store - and my thought was just like, this is home!!! Heaven! I like the cool granola people that shop there even - in Oregon everyone is like that, just about. But in suburban Houston I am hard pressed to find like-minded folks. Greenies. Outdoor enthusiasts. Hippie-types. Bohemians! Adventurers! I must go back. :) Anyway so I got some things for the lemonade cleanse, but also some snacks for our hike.

After our shopping foray, we next went hiking in Brazos Bend State Park. I'll upload some photos soon (after my computer stops backing up - it is taking 2 days! It's ridiculous!). We went walking around some old bends of the Brazos river but I think next time I'd like to go in the forested part more. It was a gorgeous day - the weather has been up to 70 degrees here in Houston! I guess this is our global warming winter. Amy and I had been talking about going hiking for, oh 9 months or so! Maybe even more. I am committed to doing more outdoor fun things and social gatherings this year with those who I've been wanting to catch up with!

Later today, I am going to soak in the wood room sauna with Amy... helps purify the system even more. To great health in 2006!

a holtcamp holiday

A few photos from the Holtcamp family Christmas

Christmas Eve

Matt came over Christmas Eve and the kids opened his gifts. This is Savannah opening a gift with Sam watching.

For Christmas Eve dinner I made ham, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, spinach, and we had sparkling cranberry juice! This is the nativity on the dining table. Savannah thought it would make a good centerpiece.

Christmas Day Sam playing with some dinosaurs, turtles, and lizards he got.

First thing Christmas morn, the kids woke up to some gifts under the tree. 

Making a gingerbread house.

Savannah working on part of the gingerbread house.Expecto petronus! Laughter is good medicine!

We made beaded snowflake ornaments and snacked on cheese, crackers, and leftover ham.

draw near to God

Although there are numerous things I would like to resolve in 2006, ranging from financial to career goals to eating healthier and purchasing greener, I decided a few days ago that the only new year's resolution I am going to make is a singular resolution to draw closer to God, to really know God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and to love God more and let all else follow.

When Jesus was asked what is the most important commandment he answered, Love the Lord God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength (Mark 12:30) I find the way this is stated so beautiful. My reasoning behind my resolution is also rooted in Scripture in a part where Jesus is teaching about not worrying (which is definitely one of my weaknesses):

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and all these things will be given to you as well." Luke 12:27-34.

Because I vacillate between faith that everything will be ok and worry (reflected in my talk to my kids and friends), I feel I need to draw closer to God (Come near to God and he will come near to you, James 4:8). I can't manufacture a lack of anxiety on my own since faith itself comes from God -- as do all fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, Galatians 5:22).

So I thought about how I could get to know God, to really know more. I have done a dozen Bible studies, and I have read a lot of the Bible, and a lot of sections or books multiple times but never cover to cover. So I have decided to read the Bible through from beginning to end, and really think about it all as I read. I'm taking notes in a journal as to my thoughts and I may start a blog on it.

so i'm a litttttle behind....

ok I admit, I have not sent out most of my Christmas cards yet. Yes I know it's a day after Christmas, but what can I say? I have them sitting on my coffee table, I wrote my yearly newsletter and printed it out and everyone's card is labeled and stamped - but I need to write each card still. I like to add something personal inside each one. I also did not buy any Christmas presents this year except for the kids, I boycotted Christmas! I did make gifts with the kids for their grandparents this year but again... we're a wee bit late on getting them out. Ah well, we had a good one!

This year, I did not put any gifts under the tree before Christmas as I normally do. Sam had expressed how cool it was in movies when the kids wake up and all of a sudden there are all these presents under the tree and the tree is all lit up, so I decided I'd do that for the kids this year. Their presents happened to be fairly large this year so they awoke to a lit-up tree and lots of shiny big presents under the tree. It was fun. They do not believe in Santa Claus - in fact we never told them about Santa Claus because I would rather keep it real. Christmas to me is about Jesus Christ's birth, and although Christmas is also very much a cultural tradition, I don't like the idea of telling my kids something untrue as true that I know they will lose faith in. I think it's hard enough to have faith in God on this planet for many people, so I don't want my kids to think that the story of Jesus is - like some do say - like believing in Santa Claus.

So on Christmas Eve I made a big dinner then we went to church, and on Christmas day we opened presents and then I made whole wheat banana-walnut-carob chip pancakes with maple syrup and we made a gingerbread house, created beaded snowflake ornaments, then later went to see the movie Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

In line with my recent foray to New Mexico and my thinking about making purchasing and lifestyle choices in line with my true goals and priorities (environmental and personal impacts of daily choices), and also for concern over my future health as I head into the second half of my thirties, I have decided to change to use more natural products and organic or natural foods. I've started the big switch - I got natural deodorant, Tom's Toothpaste (I used this as a kid at my dad's!), castille soap body wash, and bought some Burt's Bees natural facial products.

I've been off coffee and Diet Coke for 2 days now - switched to sea salt, organic turbinado sugar, and bought a bunch of bulk foods: buckwheat, spices, flax seed, psyllium husks, dried fruit, pumpkin seeds, Brewer's yeast, whole wheat flour, as well as some organic chicken and free-range eggs. I am going to try the Ayurvedic Master Cleanse which is a lemonade with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper and after that do a general detox diet that consists of a lot of veggies and whole grains. Lucky for me, I actually like a lot of this kind of food - thanks to my dad's cooking when I was a kid - and just need to do it. I bought glass jars and love the way my cabinet looks with all the bulk food items lined up. I'm trying to buy organic wherever I can, but just going as natural as possible because organic is expensive...

I haven't yet gotten natural cleaners but that is a next step. I also want to get fluorescent lightbulbs - saves energy and better lighting - and install a reverse osmosis water filter. I plan to get E Magazine's Guide to Green Living from my Christmas present money! It feels good to see these more natural products around me - knowing that the products I put in and on my body are more natural than the ones I was using before, and the companies more aligned with my belief systems and priorities. I will upload some holiday photos soon!

oedipus complex

i admit i always thought the idea of a freudian oedipus complex was quite weird and gross even. but i was reading about it in new mexico in Peck's book "The Road Less Traveled and Beyond" and he relates it to wanting something/someone we can't have. that really struck a chord in me and i had never ever heard it related in that way. i love learning new things. it's only when we learn things about ourselves that we can change them.

i learned something cool from one of my nature writing students that has me fascinated - that in new england the squirrels used to be so abundant as they fed on vast quantities of chestnuts they would travel in packs. i don't know why but i find that so interesting to picture these roving bands of squirrels. I even told my kids about it. i mean squirrels are pretty abundant now, but can you imagine a forest packed with them in such great quantities like the buffalo or the passenger pigeon? i mean they may not have been quite THAT abundant but still. its just something i had never heard, i just get to thinking how much we humans have screwed up this land of plenty i can just imagine what it was like when european settlers first arrived - the bounteous wildlife they encountered! it breaks my heart it will not ever go back, because we have just used up too much land to ever get it back that way

woo hoo and kangaroos

So here is an update on my Best Two Weeks and Best Christmas Ever. First of all, I think it's impossible to have the kind of Queen Latifah-movie adventure unless you have an unlimited supply of money. LOL. We tried to make garlands but the string was too skinny and its really hard to string marshmallows.... Too sticky. Eww. So we gave up on that for now. We are making a puzzle and other things. I got the kids their own tree for the first time ever.

We're watching my kids' friends from school this weekend and so today we all went ice skating. It was a blast! I've been many times and my kids have been 2 or 3 times before. It was the friends' first time but they did great! I went to the middle and did spins. I don't know how really but one of my favorite things in the world is to hold out my arms and spin around and around until I'm dizzy. So I did this at the middle of the rink and then you pull our hands in and you start to go faster. And it was fun to skate and yell woo hoo! That is my favorite word I think. I love it because it's so ridiculous to be an adult and say woohoo but it is literally just the most fun thing ever. So I love to do it. We call my son and his friend Macaroni and Cheese so it was funny to go around saying hey macaroni and cheese! My daughter is in an age where she gets embarrassed by some things I do, but the younger girl is like me and so is my son so I kept asking if they wanted to jump up and down like kangaroos, so we did this going down the stairs in the mall. Secretly I think Savannah likes it - sometimes. When we got to the car, we all 5 jumped up and down like kangaroos too. It's quite fun!

After skating we went to get a DVD movie and stopped into Radio Shack to play with the totally cool RoboSapien robot. We played with it for about 20 minutes, and Oh my gosh this thing is so so cool. It costs like $200 but it talks, moves, and even dances and raps. You can train it to do cool things. But the most hilarious thing was that there is also a RoboDinosaur thing, and at one point the Dinosaur - which stands about as tall as the Robosapien's waist, ran into the robot's crotch and the robot said "Whose your daddy?" Oh my gosh, we were all DYING laughing!! I literally started rolling on the floor. Well ok, not rolling, but I did lie down on the floor I was laughing so hard! Then the robot says "I hope nobody saw that." Oh my, it was so funny. I HAVE to get one.

Live Like You Were Dying

Inspired by Daline's birthday joy-giving, I have been thinking of how I can give joy and get back into the whole "Best Year of Your Life" thing I'm doing. It's funny because I have these printed labels that say "This is the best year of your life!" around my house and I looked and I was like, bleh, this is not the best year... (though it has had some highlights!)

So as I soaked in my bath-by-candlelight I thought, well there are 2 weeks left in the year, how can I make these 2 weeks the best two weeks of my life? I saw a preview for a movie with Queen Latifah where she finds out she has 2 weeks to live and she goes all out and has a blast doing all kinds of things. Well financially I can't do that but I can stop using money as a limiting excuse. I was kinda making the kids feel bad by telling them they aren't going to get much for Christmas etc & I decided to heck with that - I'm going to tell them they are going to have the Most Marvelous Christmas Ever!

So I have been thinking besides the utter necessities, I am not going to slave away day and night on work on my computer like usual (I do love working!). I sent off my proposal today, so that is a huge sigh of relief - woohoo!!! So I am going to teach my class, finish my couple of assignments, and then do things that will usher in a grand new year: a Budget, and Decluttering and Simplifying.

And besides that, I'm going to spend time doing holiday fun things with the kids: making a gingerbread house, baking cookies and giving them away, making a popcorn-cranberry garland, making ornaments, decorating the house in the most elaborate beautiful way ever, maybe Christmas caroling with our church.

There is this little book I got last year, "Live Like You Were Dying" which was inspired by Tim McGraw's song (which I have not heard because I don't listen to country music) but I love the book. It as some beautiful poetic passages, and I decided one day during the holidays with the kids and/or Daline I am going to go out and spread joy by giving away little fortune-cookie sayings from that book. Maybe with a flower or chocolate. We need to do something to make people laugh. Joy. Give some away today!

melancholy

I think I've been having a bit of culture shock returning to suburbia. I was going through Wal-Mart today and just all the aisles and lights and clothes and "stuff" and people, and I was just like bleh, what am I doing here? The other day I was thinking I want to get some more green products and create a more environmentally friendly home. I don't know exactly what - just some things that are cool, functional and environmentally-friendly like things made with recycled content or soaps and cleaners that are green or who knows. Just visible reminders or who I am and what I believe in. Any ideas? Post a comment!

I admit I shop at Wal-mart regularly and I have no rabid opposition to them unlike some people I know. But on the other hand they don't represent what I am and what I believe in, which means supporting companies that do positive things and create products that actually help people as opposed to just creating cheaper stuff so we can all have more stuff that we don't need. On the other hand the one thing that I do "need" is candles. And maybe flowers... When I moved out into my own apartment I promised myself I'd create a home that made me and the kids feel safe and at peace, a haven from the world. I knew I'd need it. I love fire, so I decided I'd burn candles again regularly because I like the way the flickering flame reminds me of the light of life. I also like the scent of candles. Anyway so I bought some candles today - even though money is super tight, there are some necessities... It may seem an odd choice but it's a commitment I made to honor myself and the shelter I'm trying to make our home.

Part of my melancholy of late is fear. I talk about fear a lot and it's not like I'm sitting around "scared" - by all means, no. What I call fear is a primal feeling that is semi-conscious. It's the feeling that we cover up with busy-ness, or that manifests as anxiety, or that people cover up in various ways - I try to be vigilant of the fear so it doesn't sabotage my life by my denial of it. I try to address it head-on. I believe it's in everyone. I laughed when I read in Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled and Beyond, "The absence of fear is not courage. The absence of fear is some kind of brain damage."

Anyway my fear today comes from my little girl growing up. I just got home from her birthday party. I have a close relationship with her, but I also see the seeds of struggle as she starts to grow up. As a tween she is back and forth between wanting mommy and being fiercely independent. I see her as so intelligent, so gifted, so wanting approval and so wanting to be herself. It's a tough role to be a mom. I have terrible, terrible fear of her growing into a young woman. I know from experience what an awful, horrible time that was for me and I pray so much she does not have to go through what I did. I mean, I had the most traumatic teen years I can just about imagine. Well I can actually imagine worse, but not to underestimate, it was full of hell and drama and denial.

I want so much to believe I can help my daughter live a life where none of that bad stuff happens, but I honestly don't know for sure I can. I know I'm not a perfect mom and yet I feel I'm a good one. I don't know what my daughter will think when she grows up... :) When I get scared, I sometimes want to just run away and live in a cabin... I love to be alone. I love my children so fiercely and sometimes I feel I have failed them so much by my inability to be more present with them. It seems no matter how much I try, I just keep saying when I make more money or things settle down or I finish this project... but it keeps getting worse in terms of the busy-ness factor. There's less money so the pressure to work feels constant. I think I need to time-budget...

Anyway so I was talking to Daline and this is what I need to do - to get my financial and time budgeting in line with my real priorities. This will be my goal for next year.

I mentioned a few days ago what Daline did on her birthday - here is a post she made to the random acts of kindness foundation page. Read her story - it's so cool!

http://www.actsofkindness.org/members/board/viewtopic.asp?t=498&f=2

wanderings

Have been inundated since my return. I went on some explorations with my friend/colleague nature photographer Laurence Parent - Went to hot springs in Truth or Consequences, NM then to Elephant Butte Lake in NM, hiked in the Black Mountains and the drove to El Paso, TX and took the Wyler Aerial Tram up the Franklin Mountains to an amazing overlook of El Paso and neighboring Ciudad Juarez in Mexico. Here are some photos. I will update later...

Sunrise at Elephant Butte Lake, NM

Elephant Butte Lake, NM

The night lights of El Paso and Ciudad Juarez from a view accessible by the Wyler Aerial Tram/Franklin Mountains State Park in TX.

Goodbye Owl Mountain

Today is my last night at Owl Mountain. I'm leaving early to go on an exploration of some hot springs of New Mexico and hiking and to meet some friends. I will post photos when I get home as I will not have access until then.

I went for a hike around the hills and rock formations around the cabin. It was really beautiful. The soil and mountains here are so soft, and everywhere there are pathways where water has rushed through carving valleys through the soil. The temperature was warmer again today and it was so nice to be outside in the fresh air.

One thing I have really enjoyed about my time here is my ability to just sit outside. Going outside is so "easy" because its just a one-room cabin - you just open the door and there is the great outdoors all around. I will have to find a way to make my outdoors a little more work-friendly at my home. I have mostly sat around in my pajamas and slippers many of the days. Every few days I get stinky and take a shower. I enjoy cooking my healthy food and sitting outside - glass of tangerine juice and a pan-fried bean-and-cheese-and-salsa burrito. Mmm.

I have found my stress level heightens when I just sit at my computer and work-work-work and it lowers when I go for walks. I didn't get everything done I wanted to on my proposal, but I made significant strides, got some excellent feedback, and it is getting close. I did nearly everything but the sample chapter and I'm pondering on that one. My solar batteries are all run down and I'm not sure how much juice I have so when it dies I'm gonna make a fire and stare at the stars! Love and peace to all!

Goodbye Owl Mountain! Sunrise 12/02