\Bo*he"mi*an\:
* A nonconformist writer or artist who lives an unconventional life.
* Bohemia is a district ... bordered on the north by cold, on the west by hunger, on the south by love, and on the east by hope.
* Bohemians express themselves without regard for social convention. They attempt to experience the mysteries of life through their unique perspective.
I am sooo tired. I had a fun Memorial day pool party today, or rather I went to a fun pool party today at a friend's house, with all my crazy sexy fun girlfriends! Then I didn’t feel like working - ie writing - so I rented a couple movies. I rented the documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer by Kris Carr. I’d seen her website before (maybe even included the link here before) and had met her book's editor at the last years ASJA (American Society of Journalists & Autors) conference which is where I first heard of Kris.
As mentioned, I’m trying to watch docos since I want to produce one and/or be involved in one. I fell asleep though halfway through since I'm so tired... and am just doing a quick ol check o the email and post a quickie on the blog. I normally stay up late but tonite think I’m gonna hit the hay rack. Oh anyway if you get time check her out – pretty inspiring and interesting. At 31 she was a single actress living in NYC and was diagnosed with a slow-growing incurable cancer. She wrote a book then produced a documentary that aired on The Learning Channel, I think, and Discovery Health. Her website is Crazysexycancer.com but her blog is cool too: http://crazysexycancer.blogspot.com/. There’s also her My Crazy Sexy Life community for everyone not just cancer survivors http://my.crazysexylife.com/. She is very into raw food and helped make herself more healthy by transforming her diet. I'm going to have to read more about this.
When I lived with my dad growing up, my dad's girlfriend, Celeta, (who I consider a second mom) and I used to have what we called "Urchin Day." My nickname was Urchin because I was a grubby dirty little urchin, running around all barefoot in the woods. Being the hippie free spirit woman that she was, Celeta was also my dad's other Urchin girl. So Celeta and I had birthdays exactly 20 years apart and 2 days and we were incredibly close. So we would have an "Urchin Day" in which she and I would go do something just the two of us to celebrate our birthdays and our "urchinhood." The one I remember most was when we went to OMSI, the Oregon Museum of Science & Industry. I also remember the one where Celeta hit a deer, and killing it really affected her and made her sad. I think after she hit the deer, she was so sad that we either decided not to go that day, or maybe it was on the way home after the day was done. I'll have to ask her...
So I've carried on this tradition by having periodic "Mommy (or rather Mommee as I am known)-Daughter days." Today was one of those days. It had been a while, and we were overdue! We went first to get a spa pedicure, and then we went to see Made of Honor at the movie theatre. We did a little shopping and then had some snacks at the Barnes & Noble Cafe'.
Savie & I talked about my forming the Solomon Islands nonprofit and I told her how the Directors do not need to be any particular age, and she said she'd like to do that. So it's possible she may be on the Board of Directors. I think she would be really good at it, and it would be so cool to bring her over there and show her the Solomon Islands sooner rather than later. Course her dad may have a heart attack about the idea. First I'll need to go over there first and check it out. She's such a responsible and mature girl, and she cares so much about helping people. She's definitely not your typical teenage girl. Earlier this evening, I walked in and saw her working on the computer, and what was on the screen? A bunch of house blueprints!!! Go figure. Her new thing is she thinks she might want to be an architect... This is after years of wanting to be an emergency medical pediatric surgeon, which she decided on at age 8. (the pic to the right is Savie in Alaska, in Prince William Sound, when she was 2. How cute is she?!)
I just finished watching Bowling for Columbine. To be honest, I've avoided watching it and other Michael Moore films thinking they may be a little bit extreme. I have to admit - as I have before - sometimes it is easier to bury one's head in the sand and ignore the issues rather than see them right in front of our eyes. But I'm glad I watched it, and I actually liked it and was impressed by it, and yet of course I was saddened and shocked by some of the statistics about how many murders occur in the U.S. compared to Canada, England, Australia, and other countries. It reinforced what I've spoken about publicly regarding the over-exaggeration of violence in TV news and newspaper reporting (I discussed this in my talk I gave at University of North Texas in April 2007, "Changing the World One Story at a Time" - which discusses objectivity in journalism among other things). If you haven't seen the doco, I recommend it. It did sort of reinforce my desire to move to Australia! I wish there was a way to reduce our culture of violence and fear here in the States, and that is certainly something I'll be praying for and about.
The reason I chose to watch Bowling for Columbine is that I'm watching documentaries as I start to get into documentary production myself. This one won an Oscar so I figured it's important to see! Michael Moore has achieved notoriety and success, and though I don't exactly plan to follow his methods, I want to see how he puts his docos together. I've spent time in the past few days researching funding for documentaries as well as forming a nonprofit to get grants and funding for the Solomon Islands project Sean and I are discussing. Forming one here in the U.S. would allow us to receive donations from here as well as apply for grants from U.S. organizations. Everything is still very tentative and new, but it's such a cool project and has so much going for it, and it's exciting to investigate all the possibilities.
"For you have been given the privilege for the Messiah's sake not only to believe in him but also to suffer for him." Philippians 1:29 (International Standard Version)
On Wednesday evening, the 5-year old daughter of a well-known Christian singer was killed when her teenage brother accidentally backed over her. When I heard it, it made me cringe. It broke my heart. I can not even fathom what that family is going through. What the brother is feeling. Why, you have to ask, does God allow things like that to happen? Often I think that Christians think that our lives will be protected from injury. That God will never allow tragedy. That He may always answer our prayers the way we want Him to.
But why does He allow such awful tragedies? This answer may seem like foolishness to those outside the church, and maybe to those inside, and I don't know for sure, but I do believe that those who are strong in Christ sometimes suffer great tragedies so that God can be glorified through them. Because those who are strong in the Lord will turn to Him, and receive strength only He can give. And others will see us glorifying God amidst great suffering and tragedy. Those who have truly been touched deeply by Jesus love won't, can't turn away. God IS love, and how can we turn away from love? As Peter said to Jesus, when Jesus asked would he too turn away, he replied, "To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." The beauty of grace is that in tragedy we cling to God - who is love, who created love, who spoke love, who created all and loves despite the horror we inflict on one another - we cling to God even amidst great suffering and tragedy. We forgive. We give. We suffer. And by turning our eyes to God in our suffering - as Daniel looked to God while inside the lion's den - we show others Who to look to for hope. I sometimes believe God allows the strong in Christ to suffer more. These could be people who are nonbelievers at the time, who God knows may later turn to Him. God sees the whole life, not just the snapshot in time.
Life is sometimes overwhelmingly painful and confusing. Life can be tragic. Yet to me the great question is not why tragedies happen, but why beauty and love exists when people are so selfish and the world is so fallen.
Another thought this tragedy brought to mind is how in such times of tragedy, we don't want to hear platitudes. The words may be true but in times of tragedy people don't need to hear them, but need "Jesus with skin on" - and that is why bringing meals, being present, being a friend, or showing up for earth quake or tsunami or flood victims speaks far more than saying things like "God will never give you more than you can handle." It may be a true statement but it's not what we need in tragedies. We need love in action. And at the same time, those of us witnessing a tragedy all need to show love in action for the hurting people in the world.
This past Sunday at my church, my pastor spoke some really moving and powerful words, which I just read to Sean, as the words spoke much about the work we have been talking about in the Solomons in some of the same language we have used. Pastor Al said, "Many of you are leaders for my kingdom. I have given you a passion to serve. I encourage you to open your heart to the leading of my Spirit, " and ended it with "I once told my disciples – 'pray for harvest workers.' You are harvest workers. Pray to my father for workers for the kingdom."
"When we are able to say that a human is both mortal and eternal at the same time' and 'light is both a wave and a particle,' science and religion have begun to speak the same language, that of paradox." ~M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
"We have been looking for the burning bush, the parting of the sea, the bellowing voice from heaven. Instead we should be looking at the ordinary day-to-day events in our lives for evidence of the miraculous." ~M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
Here are some quotes from Scott Peck, the man I consider more than anyone on earth my "guru" or spiritual teacher. (Ironically he said, "I've gone to great lengths not to be a guru. I think the notion of guruhood is utterly pathological, and I couldn't live that way. I am just a person.") However he is simply the most connected person to Truth I have ever read (other than Jesus) :) He is a scientist, a firm believer in empiricism and its importance. Yet he is also deeply spiritual, a Christian, and yet a non-fundamentalist one. (By non-fundamentalist, I mean he opposes "simplism" or simple minded thinking. Life is not simple. Life is complex. Life is difficult. And there are many paradoxes, or apparent paradoxes associated with life. There are no simple answers. There is no black and white. There are no hard and fast rules, including the one that there are "no" hard and fast rules. I think he says there is one. I can't remember off the top of my head what it is. Christianity is rife with paradox, and this makes it attacked by its opponents. But therein lies its very beauty, for those who look beyond the simple answers. A man who was both 100% human and 100% divine, for example. That we're saved by faith alone, and yet faith without works is dead. There are hundreds of others).
In an interview for Psychology Today, he says this, relating to coincidences and such as they relate to God's answering our prayers:
"I am really an empiricist, a believer in the importance of experience. I've had all kinds of experiences with God in terms of revelation through a still, small voice or dreams or coincidences. Hundreds of them. Once, a secular Jewish woman wrote a negative review of me in The New York Times, ending it with the comment that unfortunately, most of us don't have a direct phone line to God. I wrote her back and said, "You know, please don't think that my phone works very well. A lot of times I can't get ahold of God, and sometimes the phone rings and I forget to answer. So I suspect there are a lot of people who deliberately leave the phone off the hook because they have these same experiences and they just don't recognize them as the miracles that they are."
He was quoted as saying this about the stages of faith development and this will be part of my book that I'm writing:
"Are you familiar with James Fowler? He's the expert on the stages of faith development. I simplify them a bit. Jim's theory has six stages; mine has four. The fundamental stage, one I call "chaotic antisocial," is a stage of absent spirituality. The second stage is "formal institutional," in which the fundamentalists fall. Stage three I call "skeptic individual," where religion is either thrown out or seriously doubted. And then there is stage four, which I call "mystical communal." To get from stage two to stage four—if you can in a lifetime—you must go through stage three. You have to go through a phase of doubting. One of the great sins of the Christian church is the discouragement of doubting. There's a limit to doubting. If you become really good at stage-three doubting, you begin to doubt your own doubts. And that's when you begin to move to stage four."
Those writings about the stages of psycho-spiritual development could truly revolutionize our understanding of the culture wars if taken seriously. They are profound, and incredibly accurate - Not black-and-white without exceptions and not without movement back and forth between them, but as a general guideline for understanding these things - it blows me away.
Here is also what PT said (in italics), and his response:
PT: There's some irony here. They flock to you because of your spirituality, and then spurn you for the same reasons. Another irony is that your books sell well in the Bible Belt. And yet, you are down on fundamentalism, and the fundamentalist Christians are very down on you.
SP: "They picketed me twice some years ago as me being the Antichrist. Not an antichrist, but the Antichrist. That's power."
He's got several other cool quotes on "coincidences" in his books (I have all of them) that I'll quote when I get time.
In other news, I gave a talk at my kids' school today on my shark diving and the Discovery Channel blog. I love those kids, and it is so cool to show them what I do, and get them psyched about it. I may be giving more talks on a regular basis next year. We'll see. The kids are now out for the summer, a couple weeks earlier than the public schools.
In this new relationship a lot of fears have come up on both of our parts that we've expressed to one another. I think that is normal for any two people who are serious and who have been hurt in the past, as opposed to young lovers who fall in love for the first time ever. And who have kids. ie. me. I tend to give myself wholly and completely when I do, but I must admit there is a part of my heart and soul that I let out only slowly. I'm an expressive and creative so what I feel at a give time I will write out, and it is true and real and emotional. But I also know that only God is perfect and can be relied on 100%. I think to have unrealistic expectations about another human being is unfair to them. That said, I'm willing to trust and let go slowly and move in the direction of what seems to be my future. I think for me I have huge fears about introducing someone into the very comfortable situation I have with my life and my kids and my ex. Everything is so beautiful here in that situation. The kids are well adjusted, do well in school, get along well with both me and M, and neither he nor I so far have had any serious relationships. Introducing someone new - no matter when or how - is a risk.
On the plane back from Australia - another case of odd serendipity - I sat next to an Aussie man who had met and married an American with kids and so he had to move to the States. I asked if he liked it now and he said he "tolerates it." That is after 13 years. I would think Sean would probably feel the same. Then again, that is how I feel about Texas as well. I would love living in Florida or Colorado or Oregon but I do only tolerate Texas. I am not a conservative, and it gets under my skin sometimes when I see ignorance (about evolution, politics, etc) and judgmentalism and narrow-mindedness here. Then again I've seen a lot of bumper stickers lately here that say things like "Christian not close-minded" and "GOD is not spelled GOP" and other such things that make me think, wow that's pretty progressive for Texas! However there are lots of liberals and progressives here, lest I forget, though they may not be a majority. Even in the churches! So what this guy said to me was that the guy would have to get on with the kids or it wouldn't work. We talked a lot about a lot of things - from practical issues of resident vs citizen to working here to getting married versus living together, but in the end that's what his final word of wisdom boiled down to. And it's really true because though my mom's 2nd marriage has lasted, the fact that I did not like my stepdad throughout my life there made living there miserable for us all. (I like him a lot now!!) Sean is sensitive to this though having had a stepfather situation too, but there's a lot to process for both of us.
I don't honestly know how these various obstacles will be overcome though I do believe they will be worked out, in time. I read somewhere that the more you want something to last, the slower you need to take things. While our feelings and our desire for a shared future are way faster than most people may take a relationship that's just the way both of us are. But... that doesn't mean we are going to not still take things day by day. Living halfway across the planet from one another kind of forces you to take things a bit slow.
On another note I just got back from my kids' school awards ceremony and I'm so very very proud of them. Both kids got all A Honor Roll (all A's all year)! Sam also earned the top honor in his grade for Literature and Science, and Savannah in Math/Pre-Algebra, Science and Composition/Writing! She also got recognized again for getting 1st in State for Writing at that PSIA competition and she'd also earned Thespian Honor Society as well as"All Star Cast" recognition in the PSIA One Act Play competition! We knew about those awards before but it was nice for her to get recognized for all that in one ceremony! They are such super kids, if I do say so myself!! :) Well I'm going to go take a nap in the sunshine outside and read!
I drove some of the middle school kids (at my kids' school) to Jesse Jones Park for their field trip today. They have been doing environmental work at the park for the past 3 years. They help eradicate invasive Chinese tallow trees and also pick up trash. First we took the schoolkids to Wendy's for lunch, where I was told by my kids' friends that I was "so cool" because I stuck french fries into chocolate shake and also stole Savie's shake from her and kept eating it, which they thought was very humorous. Everyone except Savie, that is. :) Well maybe I think THEY are cool! Kids are usually so much cooler than fuddy duddy parents... I shouldn't say that. But... it's true :)
So while the kids were slaving away I was going to read my Biomimicry book for an article I'm working on, but I ended up laying down my head on my backpack and falling asleep. It's freaking hot, like 90+ degrees already! Later, when we were almost finished and everyone was coming back on the trail, I was taking pics of the kids and then I took a self portrait and looked at it on the view-finder and I said out loud, "What is that thing on my head?" and then I go, "Oh, my hair." To which Savie immediately retorts, "I think I got my brains from the other side of the family." And her friend cracked up. To be fair, there was something poking up FROM my hair but I have to admit it was rather humorous.
When I got back to the kids' school they had a couple hours before they got out for the day so since their school is like 20 minutes from home I just went around the back of the building and took a nap in the grass. Why am I sooo tired?!!!!
This afternoon me and the kids went for a walk around the neighborhood. It was nice. I then played gin rummy with Sam, and now they're going to go to bed. It's nice to be back here spending some time with them. Their school gets out Thursday, a couple weeks before the public schools, & they'll be home and bored off their rockers before you know it. I am working on taxes, and some new articles. I am giving a talk at my kids' school on Thursday (their last day of school) about the shark stuff so that should be cool! I wish I was in Australia... wish we were all there.
I have read a whole bunch in Scott Peck's writing on "coincidences" and God, and plan to blog on that soon. It really stinks being away from Sean. We talk every day, several times a day and text back and forth but... it's not the same as being in person. I miss him and we need to invent a teleporting machine asap. So get on it someone!
By the way these two shots were taken today at Jones Park.
As I mentioned on the previous blogs we stayed with some friends of S's that he's really close to and who are like second parents, Coral and Johnno. Here, Coral goes after Sean with "the thong" which is used to smack mis-behavers. I love this thing! When I told Savannah on the phone about it, & how they call "flip flops" thongs there, she said "Gives a whole new meaning to 'thong wars'" - ha! Um, that would be when Sam & Savie fling my thong underwear at one another while folding the laundry...
A crucifix spider at Coral & John's. One of the 6 saltwater crocs we saw on a tour of the Daintree River on Bruce Belcher's Crocodile Cruise.
Sean setting up the mud crab pots in the creek. Johnno with one of the mud crabs on his head. See how they're black before you cook them? This one didn't have either of his front claws. Oddly when they're stressed they "drop" their claws! The mud crab turns bright red-orange after it's cooked! This one had monster claws! I even held it when alive and took it out of the mud crab pot. That impressed Sean :) These are the coolest fish EVER. They are called mud skippers I think and they have "arms" and they hope and skip across the water and onto the bank, like "evolution in action"! It is sitting on the bank just in between the mangrove tree roots. A freshwater creek at Cow Bay Beach, where a big saltie lives - aka salwater croc. This is where we set the mud crab pots. The same freshwater creek closer to where it enters the ocean. A shot of rivulets on the beach at low tide.
Driftwood at Cow Bay Beach.
Little balls made by crabs on Cow Bay beach.
Me spinning around and around in circles. Sunset over Port Douglas on my last day there.
I am having an awesome time here. Have just a moment to send a note, have been up in the Daintree rainforest. Yesterday we spent time playing in the ocean, laying on the beach in the sunshine... it was a beautiful perfect day. Rainforest-covered cliffs come right down to the beach, and they're covered with lush forest, palms, tree ferns. Freshwater creeks spill out from the forest onto the beach and these creeks are the homes of saltwater crocs. We set some mud crab pots in a creek and then checked them a couple hours later and caught one big one, which we ate. We're staying with Coral and John who are like second parents to S. Coral was the chef on the Daintree Lady, a croc tour boat that Sean used to skipper back around 2000 or so. It's rained on and off but the rain comes and goes then the sun comes out. We are about to go check the pots again, which we left overnight. Hopefully we will find an abundance of them, and maybe even see the big croc that lives in that creek.
We are are heading to Daintree which is where the rainforest meets the reef now... a beautiful area north of Port Douglas. We're staying with some friends of his that are like second parents. There is no internet up there - in most places there is still no electricity! I am still unable to receive any text messages on my phone so kids please send me messages via email and "comments"!!!
OK so... that's all the news for now but I hope to post some pics from the Daintree when we get back! We're having a great time and I'm sad that there's only 1 week left! Lotsa love!!
Last night we went to the premier of the documentary movie, Sharkwater in Cairns. Rob Stewart, the Producer and host of the award-winning doco, was there. The movie was released in Fall 07 in the U.S. and I didn't even know! It should be out on DVD now. Everyone must see this movie.
This movie is incredibly emotional and powerful. It blew me away. It's a true story of the lifelong love Rob Stewart has had for sharks, and then how he ended up almost arrested by the Costa Rican authorities for his role in uncovering illegal private docks used for vast shark finning operations associated with the Taiwanese mafia, as well as illegal finning out off of the protected Cocos Island. The movie made me cry. They fin so many sharks, a brutal practice, and it's made sharks around the world decline by 90%. Yet he was shown in the movie swimming with, even holding gray reef sharks and other sharks, and swimming with vast schools of hammerheads in the Galapagos Islands. (I have got to get back there to go diving with them).
And then at the end of the movie he gave a short talk and had a Q&A and dropped this bombshell: Australia has a proposal on the bench that would open parts of the protected Great Barrier Reef to shark finning!!!!!!! (Check out this article in this month's Dive Log Magazine Australia, "Say No to Shark Finning on the Great Barrier Reef"). Everyone here at the Undersea Explorer (Sean works for them as the skipper of the boat and we went with the company) are in shock and trying to raise awareness of this.
And check out some links that Rob has put together to do something about this reckless wanton horrific destruction of one of the world's most beautiful creatures, which I can personally vouch for --diving with sharks was absolutely one of my life's best experiences.
WildAid - wildaid.org-- WildAid is doing incredible things to stop the sale of Shark Fin Soup in Asia, where many people falsely believe this tasteless soup is a sign of wealth and cures disease In reality because of the way sharks concentrate toxins due to bioaccumulation, sharkfin soup would cause more health problems not cure them. A study recently showed that many Asians do not even realize that shark fin soup has shark in it! The translation (at least in 1 language) is "fish wing" soup.
But this practice is just destroying sharks around the world, and there's no telling what will happen if the ocean's top predators disappear or severely decline. We may have just seen the tip of the iceberg in terms of what is happening to the oceans.
I crashed about 7pm last night; after all it was 3am my time! It's just noon now, and we had brekky (that's Aussie slang for breakfast) with JR, the legend who started the Undersea Explorer many years ago. He was on the shark trip I was just on and is featured prominently in the Expedition Shark documentary, and I'm interviewing him for some new articles I'm writing on sharks and the shark research & conservation going on here. Exciting stuff!
Then I went to the loo in the coolest toilet on the planet. Straight out of Inspector Gadget! You push a button on the outside and a metal door opens. Then you walk inside and it gives you 10 minutes to use the toilet or else it will unlock and open on you... You can press the button to get out sooner but what happens if you're taking a big crap and you're not done in ten minutes?! Ha! But then after you finish you press a button for the electronic toilet-paper-dispenser! Then you finish your business, and there is no way to flush. However... when you wash your hands it flushes! So if you don't wash your hands, it flushes when you open the door and allows you to exit the facility. The sink is also all electronic. You hold your hand under the automatic soap dispenser, the water, then the hand dryer (though these are obviously standard in most bathrooms now). But the whole thing was really cool! What can I say? I am entertained easily. I t ook a bunch of photos because I want to write an article about this toilet!! LOL!!
I have been flying/traveling for over 28 hours now and am soooo desperately in need of a shower. I got a shuttle from the Cairns airport to Port Douglas and while I was sitting on the shuttle, I glanced up and out the window only to see a bunch of chubby looking animals sitting in a roadside cow pasture like meerkats do, upright with their paws held by their chest, and I was thinking to myself, What the heck are those things? They were about twice the height of meerkats and bottom-heavy with big haunches. Then I laughed and smiled so big when I realized it was like a dozen pademelons which are small wallabies!!! So surreal to be here in tropical Australia. I love the tropics, the tree ferns and palms and warmth and sunshine. And I love the Aussie animals!! I am so happy to be here! I miss my kiddos though... THEY BETTER TEXT ME!!! Or maybe email... read below...
Tomorrow we are going with the Undersea Explorer crew to see the Premier of Sharkwater in Cairns, a documentary I've been hearing a lot about! Cairns is about an hour south from Port Douglas along a beautiful 2-lane road that runs along the ocean.
Oh, oddly my cell phone does not have any reception here despite having it when I was here before. Go figure! And imagine the brilliant soul who cooked this one up at Cingular/AT&T. I went online to log into my account and email tech support (since I can't call) but since I forgot my password I had it reset. Well guess how they are sending it? TEXT MESSAGE! Ugh. Morons! And, the only other option is US mail!!! So now not only do I not have reception I can't log into my account or contact them to find out why I don't have reception when I should.
I returned today from spending the weekend with the parental units in Dallas, and attending Savie's PSIA competition at Texas Christian University, and I was soooo excited that she got FIRST PLACE in Ready Writing!!!! She had placed 3rd in State last year but this was the highest she's gotten in any event and I was so excited and proud of her. She was actually in another event when they were giving out medals for the writing so I got her medal and later showed her and she was so shocked and excited! (I took this picture right as I told her!) I am so proud of both my kids. They are just incredible, awesome, bright shining stars. Really good solid kids, responsible, loving, smart... (if I do say so myself!). I love them!
My mom and stepdad live in Frisco, which is a suburb of Dallas, so we stayed with them Friday and Saturday. On Friday the kids played hooky from school and we went to the Aquarium at Fair Park. They had stone fish and scorpionfish, and black-tipped reef sharks and a lot of Australian coral reef fish so that was cool to show the kids, and remind them what they'd seen a couple years back.
On Saturday, after Savie finished all 3 events, we went to the Fort Worth Zoo with some friends, which was really cool - especially the nose-picking (and bugar-eating) orangutan. It was having a great time picking its nose, looking at the bugars on its finger, and then eating them!!! LOL. However walking around the Zoo was NOT good on the old "broken toe" which I keep thinking is pretty much better but then when I over-exert myself it hurts. I haven't been able to run since I got back from Australia and it's killing me!!
I also feel very blessed and am so happy lately. I have a sense of peace, that no matter what happens, I'm ok. Things that used to bother me really just roll off me, and I am fine if things don't go the way I want. I think part of the peace is learning what is and what isn't in my control, and not worrying and letting go about about those things beyond my control (which is really the way I got over my previous massive fear of flying. I do still worry sometimes too much about those things that are in my control...never want to make stupid decisions and have a hard time deciding sometimes!) But I'm blessed with so many amazing friends and the career is going well and though finances are still a struggle, I just feel a peace that everything is going to be fine. Normally when I'm about to travel I get a lot of anxiety. I think this is because I went back and forth between mom and dad so much as a young child, and that caused me a lot of anxiety. But not this trip - or the previous one to Australia - I left almost exactly one month ago.
No anxiety, I just feel pure excitement to go have fun and just play. It's been an incredibly long time (maybe never?!) where I had the freedom to just go and "fall in love" or to just go and have fun hanging out, running around, being passionate together, getting to know one another as I know these next 10 days will be. It is a blessing to have this chance to just go have fun, to just go explore life, love, and each other, and the natural world there in Australia.
Life is good! And yet I talked to one friend today who is doing maybe the worst ever in her life and she reads my blog and is both so happy for me, and she says kind of jealous. I appreciate that she feels close enough that she can say that to me, and it doesn’t bother me in the least that she says that or feels that. I may not have experienced exactly what she is experiencing because each life is unique, but I have absolutely been through some tragic times, and been in tragic states of mind. I've been in fear of my life before. I've been terrified. I've been so depressed I could barely get out of bed, or peel myself off the floor. I've screamed out loud until I was hoarse and wanted to check myself into a loony bin to escape from myself and that I thought I was becoming schizophrenic. I have thrown a squash across the kitchen and it burst into a big splatted mess. I've laid in a heap on my floor, absolutely depressed to the point where I could not move. I've cried rivers of tears. I've lost myself.
But through many years of hard work, prayer, trying to figure out who I am and what I want in life, accepting God's grace and forgiving myself, and more prayer, I have found me, and I'm happy. Not perfectly so, but with a real inner peace about where I'm at. I know that days of sadness will come again. I know that I will lose people I love. I know that tragedy could fall. I know that I could lose my health, or my limbs, or even my sanity. But all the more reason why I need to enjoy these days of peace and contentment to the absolute fullest while I can! And I absolutely wish that for every person who reads this, whether you know me or not, that you also may find this pearl in the oyster in your own life. There is a time, and a reason, for every season under the Sun.
This song by Watermark (one of my all-time favorite bands - Christy Nockels is amazing!!) speaks powerfully about how I feel, far more poetically than I ever could. I have been through the fire and I can say that when you focus your eyes, your heart, your mind, your soul on God, on Jesus there is healing from the inside out. It's anything but instant. I look at the scars inside my wrist that I carved when I was a teenager, so many sad scary lonely years ago and know that that my life today, that I am even here today, is a living miracle. And I hope to live each day to the full, and I know that each day I am here as God's servant. I tell Him that every morning and turn my day over to Him - ie what can I do to show God's love to the people in my life and how can I bring glory to Him to show the world His amazing love! (OK to be honest, most every morning... sometimes when I'm I'm out of my routine I forget! But I do still pray every day, many times a day!!) :)
Captivate Us By Watermark
Your face is beautiful And Your eyes are like the stars Your gentle hands have healing There inside the scars Your loving arms they draw me near And Your smile it brings me peace Draw me closer oh my Lord Draw me closer Lord to Thee
(chorus)Captivate us, Lord Jesus Set our eyes on You Devastate us with Your presence Falling down And rushing river, draw us nearer Holy fountain consume us with You Captivate us Lord Jesus, with You
Your voice is powerful And Your words are radiant bright In Your breath and shadow I will come close and abide You whisper love and life divine And Your fellowship is free Draw me closer O my Lord Draw me closer Lord to Thee
(chorus) Let everything be lost in the shadows Of the light of Your face Let every chain be broken from me As I'm bound in Your grace For Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light You're full of wisdom, power and might And every eye will see You
(chorus)
Here is the song set to a Jesus movie that I found on Youtube. It's hard to describe the emotions to someone who isn't a Christian but I am just absolutely in love with Jesus, and that love rules my life and gives me peace. The message He brought is so intense, crazy, beautiful, radical and inspiring.
And here is another of my favorite songs by Watermark, "Who Am I"!
I was watching the movie Mr & Mrs Smith with the kids (which was really quite violent... I wasn't too crazy about that) while working on my taxes, and I got to the part where I'm compiling my travel expenses. I had to ask them - out loud - "Does it seem like I am I ever home?" I don't think they heard me. But wow! I was like a super gypsy traveling soul this past year. It was the same in 2006 - in fact I think it may have been worse. Well I shouldn't say "worse" because I love it this way!!! I have a serious case of wanderlust in my veins.... (PS the pic to the right is one I took on my cell phone camera to send to my honey in Australia! I thought it turned out kinda ok. I normally hate pics of myself!) Here's a brief recap of my travel in 2007:
Jan-Feb:
Ecuador/The Galapagos Islands
Mar:
New Orleans Mission Trip with church
Glen Rose/Fossil Rim - with kids
Apr:
University of N. TX (gave a talk)
New York City (conference, but saw lots of the city!)
Galveston, TX
May:
Los Angeles - Paige & Hugh's wedding
CO Bend St Pk/Enchanted Rock camping w/ Sam's class
Guadalupe River St. Pk - rafting with Savannah's class
San Francisco/Berkeley - writing conference and hanging with Zofia/Kira
Oct:
Caddo Lake St Pk, camping & canoeing with Sam's class
Nov:
Nepal with "one night in Bangkok"
Dec: nothing!!
Oh wait, actually I did go to Dallas with the kids post-Christmas!!
In the words of Lilly from Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse, "All I can say is, Wow!" At least several of the trips were with the kids so I don't feel QUITE as guilty :)
Speaking of travel... I'm headed to Dallas and Fort Worth tomorrow morning. The plan is that the kids are playing hooky from school tomorrow and we're going to visit the Dallas Aquarium and Museum of Nature & Science in Fair Park, then I'm going to interview some biologists at River Legacy Parks for an article I'm doing on urban bobcats, and then we'll stay with Mom and Skip. Saturday Savannah has the State PSIA competition at TCU so we'll hang out there for the day and then maybe go to eat at the Rainforest Cafe for fun afterwards. Then it's back home, so I can head to L.A. then Australia Monday!!! Woohoo!!!!! Lotsa love to all!!
About a year ago, I bought this whole series "Harvard Classics" for like $0.50/volume from a local library book sale, and there are so many of them that I've been wanting to read - and that I want my kids to read. So I started reading this one, partly as research for the book I'm writing, and I'm blown away. I was thinking that all kids in our nation's public education system should be required to read this. And the rest of the material too! In just this one volume it also includes Voltaire, Rousseau and Hobbes.
Descartes is the guy who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The previous link goes to the full text. The Wikipedia entry is interesting; it says that it's "is one of the most influential works in the history of modern science" and "gives a solid platform from which all modern natural sciences could evolve."
My favorite quotes, so far:
"I had always a most earnest desire to know how to distinguish the true from the false, in order that I might be able clearly to discriminate the right path in life, and proceed in it with confidence."
----
"My second maxim was to be as constant and as resolute in my actions as I could, and to follow the most doubtful opinions, once I had settled on them for myself, with no less constancy than if they had been very sure, imitating in this matter travelers who, finding themselves lost in some forest, should not wander around, shifting direction this way and that; even less should they stop in one place; they should move on always as straight as they can in the same direction and not change it for inadequate reasons, even though at the beginning it was perhaps only chance which led to their choice of direction. For in this way, if they do not come out exactly where they want to, they will at least end up arriving somewhere where they will probably be better off than in the middle of a forest."
I like this because I can be SO indecisive sometimes, and often second-guess the decisions I do make! It was really good to read. So it's good advice I'll try to follow.
So then he of course goes on in Part IV to prove the existence of God through Reason and not only that to prove that we/he exists. :) He thinks, therefore he is. I just love it. Honestly I want to read this to my kids. This is something we all should have had, or kids now need in school. Understanding the history of modern thought is so important, and just the brilliance of these philosophers blows me away. I love that most of them are Christians, and they are absolutely convinced and resolute on the importance of Reason and Logic and Science. It just makes me depressed to think about how sad our state of science education and general knowledge about science is that people actually believe that Intelligent Design is anything but the religion-masquerading-as-science that it is. And BAD religion, not good religion (and yes I do believe there is a difference). And not only that, fake science. Not just bad science, not even "science" - which if people understood the history and nature of science, they would understand! It's very, very frustrating, since just a little bit of research into the Truth - the history of science, the nature of science, the millions of studies that have been conducted on evolution and evolutionary biology will reveal such clear Truths about the nature of science and whether Evolution has evidence (duh! yes!)... yet all these things are simply discarded nonchalantly by those who are told that they are not "true" or are somehow antithetical to Christianity. Such garbage!
I also had to laugh at how looooong some of Descartes' sentences are. I mean, check this out:
My third maxim was to endeavour always to conquer myself rather than fortune, and change my desires rather than the order of the world, and in general, accustom myself to the persuasion that, except our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power; so that when we have done our best in respect of things external to us, all wherein we fail of success is to be held, as regards us, absolutely impossible: and this single principle seemed to me sufficient to prevent me from desiring for the future anything which I could not obtain, and thus render me contented; for since our will naturally seeks those objects alone which the understanding represents as in some way possible of attainment, it is plain, that if we consider all external goods as equally beyond our power, we shall no more regret the absence of such goods as seem due to our birth, when deprived of them without any fault of ours, than our not possessing the kingdoms of China or Mexico; and thus making, so to speak, a virtue of necessity, we shall no more desire health in disease, or freedom in imprisonment, than we now do bodies incorruptible as diamonds, or the wings of birds to fly with.
Despite lots of semi-colons and colons that is ONE LONG SENTENCE!! I ought to post the rest as it also is a brilliant passage, but I'll let you go read on your own...
As a writer we are told to keep sentences short. Who made this rule? I'm also reading Tale of Two Cities to Sam at night and Dickens also has some insanely long sentences! Why do we think we need to shorten? Are we dumbing down society by requiring everything now be written in super short easy to grasp sentences, and so when it comes to long sentences our feeble brains can't wrap their neurons around the meaning anymore? Sam's teacher said Dickens' was too complex for him (even though Sam has skipped a grade and is still at the top of his class...) Sam himself will SAY he doesn't get it, but he gets a lot more than he thinks, and as I read, I go through it and talk to him about what the passage means if it's something complex. And how the heck do we expect kids to learn better reading comprehension skills if we don't give them stuff that is slightly above their current level?! Back in the day, they all read this stuff. They learned to WRITE by writing out by hand these books that were far beyond their comprehension initially. All for now. More to come, but for now, good night!
Being that I'm sick and feeling like crapola I've been renting some movies and chilling on the couch with my fluffy red blanket and chocolate ice cream. I picked out this movie Suburban Girl based solely on the fact that it's based on two of the short stories from the book, The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing, by Melissa Bank who I happened to hear talk on a panel at last year's ASJA (American Society of Journalists and Authors) conference. The cover looks a little cheesy, but I was actually really impressed and surprised by the movie. It was smart and witty and surprising and quirky. It stars Alec Baldwin and Sarah Michelle Gellar and to be honest I've never seen her act but she was quite good in it. The guy at the video store told me his brother told him it was good, whatever that was worth. He seemed to think that odd, since it's sort of seems like a chick flick but it makes sense because it is, and it isn't at the same time. I think that the movie must reflect the quality of Banks' book, which to be honest I haven't read but it's on my list. I just liked her personality at the panel. She was funny and strong, sort of a tomboy but also NYC-ish. Anyway watching the movie moved the book up on my list of books I want to read.
I also just watched Dan in Real Life with the kids and when his 3 girls are all mad at him, well that's like how I feel sometimes! Sam was interrupting me when I was on the phone earlier and so I had to cut my phone call short and discipline him, basically tell him he could not go back outside. He so wanted to play with his friends, which I understand because I've been gone and all his friends are outside playing. But I was like, look you know the rules, you do not interrupt me on the phone. And especially when he does it repeatedly! I told him to wait 5 minutes, and he just couldn't do it. So, then he stands forlorn like at the front door staring out the window at his friends playing for like 20 minutes!!! And I'm like "SAM, stop standing there looking all forlorn." And then he starts asking me if he can go outside, though he knows he can't. And I'm like "NO! You can't! I said no and that's that." But so then he's all, "there's nothing to do." So I asked him to come watch the movie with me and though he complained and thought it was boring (at first) he did. Then he starts telling me the way the dad gets made fun of and feels left out, that's how he feels. But he's down all because I won't let him go outside and play with his friends, and he can't get his way. I said no, that is how I feel - all the kids are "mad" at the single parent! Steve Carrell was great in this movie. He did a really good job.
It's kinda funny because one day Savie will say how she gets along with her parents unlike most of her other friends, and I felt pretty good about that when she said that the other day. Then another day she'll say how I don't "get her" (um, well she said this tonight) and how different we are. I told her really we are soooo much alike that she just doesn't get that yet. She thinks daddy gets her and he just listens and gets her weirdness. I said well, you have to talk to me more. She said well you don't like the books I like or like to talk about the things I want to talk about. So I said well tell me about the books you're reading. So then we wrastled a little and she acted goofy and I said that Daisy the stuffed bear loved me more than her (an ongoing joke) and then I hugged her goodnight. Though she's probably still up reading! But anyway, teenagers and kids can be confusing! I just hope I don't mess them up for life.
I'm sick - sore throat. It sucks. I feel like crap. I'm going to get a movie, have some hot tea and honey and curl up with my blankie! But this is just too cute and I had to share!
"First time that I saw your eyes, Boy you looked right through me. mmm mmm. Play it cool but I knew you knew..." - Fergie, Clumsy
I don’t know why, but I’m just feeling inner joy and peace today. Excitement even. Yea! Funny thing, after all my questioning and inner struggles I tried doing that thing that someone anonymously commented about what I should try:
"Make a deliberate effort to force the thoughts out of your mind and leave the mind empty. Contact your spirit and allow the voice of God, His Spirit, to speak. There is no need to translate, interpret, or adjust. Your spirit is you at the deepest level, the truest form of you, and the organ and mechanism through which God inserts Himself into your being. Questionings dissipate and peace remains along with the knowledge(the I know of the I know, the deepest possible knowing) of God's desire and God's purpose. It's not earth shattering, just solid and sure. Then, trust in what God has "said" and trust Him to work it out. Pray when, in your spirit, you sense an obstacle, but don't take it back from Him and don't attempt to master plan the Master's Plan just because you've learned to hear."
So I laid down on my bedroom floor and closed my eyes and just tried to clear my mind and think of God and listen. I first tried sitting but it wasn’t too comfy so I laid down, on the floor next to my bed just meditating on love; ie God is love. I didn’t really hear any answers. I hadn’t exactly asked any questions. I just cleared my mind and listened and tried to clear my mind of all the rubble. Then I fell asleep. On the floor.
But when I crawled into bed at about 1:30am, I got a text message. And then we talked by phone, for about an hour. Which at $3.50/minute on my cell phone is going to cost a small fortune but oh well. (I have a calling card to call Australia, but it results in an annoying delay between talking and hearing one another). This is the first I’d heard from him by phone since he’d been out at sea, so it was really comforting and nice to talk and I felt sooooo much better (for the first days after I got home we talked every day, then he went back out to sea). And I’m very, very excited to be going back in just over a week!!!! So very excited. So much.
I was reading something on Dr. Phil’s website (don’t even ask how/why I ended up there – believe me, it’s NOT the typical kind of thing I browse) about relationships and it said something about allowing yourself to be your “authentic self” in a relationship and that if you’re not, then you’re doomed to failure. Well I don’t normally worry about being my authentic self because I pretty much am authentically who I am, but what I realized is that I had this worry, I’m not proud of this, but I worried about what others might think about him and whether he’d fit into my life and that kind of thing… but that’s me worrying about what others think, which I’ve always maintained is stupid. So why was I doing it?
The reality is my authentic self has this attraction for this person that is very mutual. And then after we started cruising out to sea the very first hour or two, I went into his skipper’s cabin (the wheelhouse) and he just had this huge grin, like he was expecting my visit.
So we just got to know each other more and better on the trip and that is that. And we basically shared so much about our lives with one another in a totally natural way, slowly unraveling, unfolding, revealing layers of the onion. We share many similar issues from our pasts, and have common values and well he’s just so interesting and different and witty and cool and um, Australian, and just the perfect level of forwardness for me. He pissed me off one time, and I cried another time. I fell asleep when he was telling me something important from his heart– ha! Oops. But the whole experience and meeting between us was all just very special. And I resisted much of it (the feelings, I think) for nearly the whole trip, I guess I was in denial.
And he is a Christian, which is a huge huge huge thing for me. It’s really hard for me to find people (guys) who are Christians and sort of more liberal in their thinking, laid back, scientific-minded, and all that. I tend to have more in common with and be friends with more non-Christians than Christians, but have been really always wanting to meet a Christian guy who is on my wavelength. And the vision he has for the future is very much along the lines as what I want to do, which is very serendipitous and also weird. I mean he’s got his own plans and dreams, but they fit right into what I want to be doing with my life too. Can’t you just see us as the next Steve and Terri Irwin? :0) Except I told him I've got to be in charge. I've got to be the Stevo. And he said no he's got to be in charge. heh heh.
So to be honest, I know it’s easy for anything to fall apart and not work out. I mean, here we are 9 million miles apart (or something like that…), halfway across the great huge planet. I have to stay in Houston for my kids, because my parents moved apart from one another and I had to jet back and forth between them since I was about 2 years old and I swore I’d never do that to my kids. I had to choose between parents, and I don’t ever want to do that to my kids. I want them to be raised with both of us right here in their lives. It’s very much an internal struggle because I feel like I’ve found something very special – and though there’s much time ahead to see what will happen and maybe it’s all just illusory and not real anyway (you never know) but if this is the real deal then what the heck? Must I give up a chance at love for the sake of my kids? Is that the kind of sacrifice God is asking me to make? Can he move here? Can we share time between Australia and here? So many questions that are all so far in the future but the questions one must ask as a single mom are simply different than those by a typical single person, because well, why open my heart if I know it’s doomed from the start?
I asked M if he wants to move to Australia, but no dice. I’ve started feeding my kids Vegemite in the hopes they’ll turn into little Aussies. ;) Something, someway will work out. Or it won’t. Time will tell. We’re going to have to take this one day by day. So that’s that. And I can’t wait to see him again!!!
m trying to watch docos since I want to produce one and/or be involved in one. I fell asleep though halfway through since I'm so tired... and am just doing a quick ol check o the email and post a quickie on the blog. I normally stay up late but tonite think I’m gonna hit the hay rack. Oh anyway if you get time check her out – pretty inspiring and interesting. At 31 she was a single actress living in NYC and was diagnosed with a slow-growing incurable cancer. She wrote a book then produced a documentary that aired on The Learning Channel, I think, and Discovery Health. Her website is Crazysexycancer.com but her blog is cool too: http://crazysexycancer.blogspot.com/. There’s also her My Crazy Sexy Life community for everyone not just cancer survivors http://my.crazysexylife.com/. She is very into raw food and helped make herself more healthy by transforming her diet. I'm going to have to read more about this.
han see them right in front of our eyes. But I'm glad I watched it, and I actually liked it and was impressed by it, and yet of course I was saddened and shocked by some of the statistics about how many murders occur in the U.S. compared to Canada, England, Australia, and other countries. It reinforced what I've spoken about publicly regarding the over-exaggeration of violence in TV news and newspaper reporting (I discussed this in my talk I gave at University of North Texas in April 2007, "
& Mrs Smith with the kids (which was really quite violent... I wasn't too crazy about that) while working on my taxes, and I got to the part where I'm compiling my travel expenses. I had to ask them - out loud - "Does it seem like I am I ever home?" I don't think they heard me. But wow! I was like a super gypsy traveling soul this past year. It was the same in 2006 - in fact I think it may have been worse. Well I shouldn't say "worse" because I love it this way!!! I have a serious case of wanderlust in my veins.... (PS the pic to the right is one I took on my cell phone camera to send to my honey in Australia! I thought it turned out kinda ok. I normally hate pics of myself!)
