hello from M slice

I have a new nickname, M Slice. My son started calling me that and I was like, what the heck is an M Slice? Is that something bad? He said no, it's like Homey G Slice but M for Mom. I was like, what the heck is a Homey G Slice? He said it's good, trust me, I promise.

So just now I decided to look up the definition of Homey G Slice. Well I couldn't find anything googling it so I tried Home Slice. Here's what I found on Urban Dictionary:

\home slice\

synonomous to "homie".
def 1: means good friend or buddy
def 2: means someone who seems like a little slice of home, thus home slice

So that made me feel pretty good, though Sam cracked up at the "little slice of home"

But wait, keep scrolling down... Then I read:

def 5. Someone who is an over the top dork. Someone who is trying way too hard to be cool and fails miserably. Look at that guy in the polyester leisure suit trying to pick up on that super model. What a home slice.

And keep going...

def. 6 a cool street name like poop dawg, pee diddle, or gary

Say what?!!!

Anyway it got a good laugh out of us all so I thought I'd share it :) They've also changed grandma's name from G-ma (her hiphop name) to Gamoski and Grandpa to Gaposki. Oh, did I say that my ex calls me Doonberry?

And while I was at urban dictionary I browsed some words-o-the-day and got a kick out of these:

\flojectile\
The bits of food matter that fly onto your mirror while flossing your teeth.
I need to wash those flojectiles off my bathroom mirror before the Health Department shuts me down

\man flu\

The condition shared by all males wherein a common illness (usually a mild cold) is presented by the patient as life-threatening.This is also known as 'Fishing for Sympathy' or 'Chronic Exaggeration'.When the patient is your boyfriend, he will exhibit the standard symptoms (such as an overwhelming desire for compassion) while simultaneously rejecting any and all efforts you make to placate him.

You: Awww, you poor fella.
Him: I'm DYING!
You: (Soothingly) Oh, you're not dying Cy.
Him: (Indignant) I AM! I have Man Flu!Y
ou: Do you need some sympathy?
Him: Yes! But no one understands my pain...
You: I understa-
Him: NO YOU DO NOT!!!

\purge the cabin\

Rolling the windows down on a vehicle for some fresh air, usually after one of the passengers has passed gas.

Damn was that foul! Purge the cabin before we sufficate back here!

being a radical moderate, and community-making

Me and my friend from high school, Nikki, today at lunch! We hadn't seen each other in over 15 years and it was just like yesterday In fact I think we have even more in common than we did then - since back then it was all partying and today we both love the environment and political issues and religious/science issues - it was an awesome catching up time. I love the sticker on her hybrid car that said "GOD is not spelled GOP" :)

Sam & I goofing around in the Disney Store. I love Émile! He was sooo soft and fluffy! I said he was my new boyfriend :)
Me and my new boyfriend, Émile (from the movie Ratatouille)

I have started reading Scott Peck's book The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace, which I've been wanting to read for some time. Peck is a genius. He is in my opinion the greatest writer that ever lived. He just GETS IT in terms of so many things - religion and science, Christianity and other religions, how society works, how the human spirit matures, psychology, and on and on. Everything I read of his I underline or highlight every other sentence. In this book, I just read the Prologue, Introduction and the start of Chapter 1, but already I want to stand up and applaud. It came out in 1987 but it's still so relevant today. (Sometimes I think I want to start just talking about and promoting what he spoke and wrote about, because everything I read I'm like ,"What he said!" I refer to him so often in my own writing. If Huxley was Darwin's bulldog, I want to be Peck's bulldog!)

For those who don't know him. Peck wrote one of the all-time best-selling nonfiction books, The Road Less Traveled; A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. It stayed on the NY Times bestseller list for a record 10 years and sold something like 13 million copies. Peck was an M.D. Psychiatrist who had worked in the military and then went into private practice. His book didn't immediately become a bestseller but after a while it just took off like wildfire as people started reading and recommending it. He was not initially a Christian, but the story goes (he tells in one of his later books) that a good friend of his said to him, after the publication of The Road Less Traveled, something like "Scotty it's brilliant how you told the story of Christianity through your book," and he was like "What?!" He was spiritual and respected the wisdom of Christianity and other religions but at that time was not specifically Christian. After his friend said that, he started to read the Bible and before long he converted and it became his lifelong passion. He was not what I'd consider a right-wing fundamentalist in any sense but a very practical, in the real world Christian, who understood human nature and psychology and also theology. I just love his writings. He is just so right on with everything.

Anyway, this book, The Different Drum, touches on how much we lack real communities; For the most part, our neighborhoods, our families, and our churches fall short of being real community for one another, and if we don't change that, the world is in real trouble. And he outlines what we need to do in order to get this back. He has said that he believes this was his most important work, even though it didn't sell near as well as The Road Less Traveled. Well funny, I said I would not consider him a fundamentalist but listen to how he starts Chapter 1. First he says whenever anyone asks him his political views he says he's a radical conservative. Except on Thursdays and then he says 'I'm a radical moderate.' This not only cracked me up, I love it! I am inclined to say the same about myself. More the radical moderate than a radical conservative. But let me continue.

Next he defines the words (which I often did when I taught biology, because understanding the root words so often helps students understand the definitions). He writes that radical and fundamental mean essentially the same thing, and says isn't it funny how words get distorted over time. Radical comes from the Latin radix, which means "root" - same as radish. And he says anyone who thinks deeply will be one; someone who gets to the root of things. Yes, Jesus was certainly a radical. (my comment, not his, though I am sure he'd agree from his writings). He goes on to say that the closest synonym to radical is fundamental - basic, the root, the fundamentals. "Yet in our North American culture these words have come to have opposite meanings." He then goes on to say how community has also been dumbed down to not mean what it really is, and should mean, and hence we've lost a true community in our schools, churches, families.

There are some wonderful examples of community that I've seen - and personally experience in my group of friends (we can be real and genuine, deep, or silly, share our weaknesses and faults without fear of rejection and just share just a wonderful supportive network of women who lift you up when you need it, and are there for one another 24/7). But I've also experienced what should have been a true community - a Christian community no less - falling short and rejecting me when I needed it most. Same goes for my family when I was struggling as a teenager with some pretty heavy stuff.What I want to do, if I do anything in life, would be to somehow help people find this sense of community in churches and families and circles of friends the way God meant it to be. It's beautiful when it happens.

Christmas photos

This was Sam and I (self-portrait) working on the gingerbread house. Notice the mess he has all over his face - FROSTING!! Busted!
Grandpa Skip working with Sam on the gingerbread house. Note the "evil" crazy Sam in the background. Watch out, he's wielding a spatula!
The final product! I made a crystallized ginger chimney, and Sam made a window from cranberries and poppy seeds. Carob chips on the bottom and a candy cane! We made it all natural. Well I guess the candy canes are not natural...
The cutie pies with their presents on Christmas morning!

The kids got a foosball/air hockey table and ye old kitty cat decided SHE wanted to play. I swear, this cat thinks she is a human. Note the photo below, also. Whatever the kids do she likes to copy. She will sit in the chair that one of the kids used earlier for like an hour! Especially when there's something new in the house, she's enthralled. She and her sis got some presents in their stocking and they loved them. Well all except the kitty sweater which she wasn't too crazy about. ;)
This is fuzzy but it illustrates my point above perfectly... she sat here for I think an hour!!!

Crazy Christmases

It's nearly midnight in Texas and Santa Clause here has to go stuff stockings. It was a good Christmas Eve today, though I've been a bit tired and feeling still a bit melancholy over the events of the past week. I also found out this week that someone I dated in high school and who was at the center of a serious high school drama involving date rape, suicide attempts and yours truly died of lung disease a couple of years ago. This guy was not the perpetrator but was there, and well the story is told elsewhere on this blog (on my birthday, a couple years ago). Death can come like a thief in the night, and all I know is that while I have breath, I want to truly live.

The folks and the kids and I went to church service and that was lovely. Then we had lasagna and the kids opened a present each. Tomorrow we'll open everything. When I was a kid, we used to open presents on Christmas Eve because my uncle's bday was Christmas Day, but we'd open all our stocking presents on Christmas morning. They were all wrapped up and I loved opening the wrapping paper on each tiny little gift tucked in my stocking (except the one Christmas my mom actually gave me a lump of coal - and that was it). I used to do this micro-wrapping for the kids, but to be honest, I can't be bothered anymore! I don't have the time or the patience... I wrap the big ones under the tree and tonight I plan to just stuff everything into the stocking unwrapped.

I never told the kids about Santa Clause. I mean they knew the story but I never deceived them into thinking a big man in a red suit was coming down the chimney and giving us a bunch of presents. I feel that kids should be taught truth...

I'm ok with whatever everyone else's decisions are for that issue, but my mom likes to tell me (every Christmas) how my kids missed out on so much because I didn't tell them about Santa Clause. What they didn't miss out on was the awful disappointment kids get when they learn that it's all a lie, and Santa isn't "real"!! I want my kids to believe in God - an invisible omniscient and omnipresent being of light and goodness and love and truth. That is hard enough. Why teach them then about something that you know isn't real, and then reveal it's all been a big myth after all? What then will they think about God?

So of course my mom doesn't get all this... but I really don't appreciate her telling me every year that I've deprived my kids of something... I said mom you're basically telling me I'm a bad parent. She said "No I'm not, that's not what I'm saying." There was something else... I can't remember but it ended with me saying, "Denial is not a river in Egypt!" (I love that saying but it took me many years to GET what it meant because I didn't get the connection between Denial and The Nile - I'm a little slow, what can I say) ;)

So far this actually means we're getting along well this holiday. I'm serious! This is a big improvement from the Christmas everyone in the house got in a huge fight, my aunt slapped me (or hit me? I can't remember), I took a swing back but got intercepted by my uncle, everyone cried, people left the house, and in the end everything was my fault... Needless to say, I've always been the family scapegoat.

I better go be Santa. I'm putting on my Santa hat now...

preparing for the holidays

Image Copyright (c) 2007 Wallace. J. Nichols

I spent today cooking and cleaning with the kids and then watching a bit of The Fellowship of The Ring extended version, also with the kiddos. My mom and stepdad arrive tomorrow; the holiday begins! Today Sam & I cooked a gingerbread house and we'll decorate it tomorrow. I've never made one from scratch before so it was pretty cool to do so. Savannah made a banana cream pie recipe that is awesome, mostly by herself; she wanted to say she did it all by herself. I prepared the lasagna we'll have tomorrow night (Christmas Eve) but we'll have our big dinner on Christmas Day. Wow, I really can't believe it is Christmas. This quarter of the year went so fast. I guess it's because I left for Nepal before Halloween, came back just in time for Thanksgiving but was super jet-lagged for 2 weeks, and then it was Christmas time. So time goes.

With the coming of the new year, and the passing of life so suddenly, the time comes again to reflect on goals and changes and such. I think often about living life fully, and I hug my kids daily, and tell my friends and family I love them. I've rid myself of toxic and negative influences and friends, while trying to be a good influence myself. I always try to be aware of, and improve or change any negative qualities in myself. Yet especially the suddenness of Jim's death has really made me think even more about this - what changes do I need or want to make in my life to make this the life of my dreams?

Even on my way back from Nepal I felt like I'd been called more towards home, and less away wandering the world, or if I do wander for it to be either with someone I know and love or doing something to help people - like mission trips. I've also felt drawn more to figuring out how I can help people more in terms of poverty eradication and other global social ills. The environment and especially wildlife will always be a passion, but I feel that there are also other issues I want to get involved in. I've been feeling drawn to doing documentary work, rather than just writing, and want some doors to open in those areas. I want to impact the world in a big way, to spread the knowledge of God's love and grace and truth. Sometimes it is just so hard to figure out what to spend my time on. So I often end up just doing whatever is easiest, or whatever presents itself, rather than visualizing what I want or planning toward a goal.

Some things to think about as I roll on towards the New Year.

grief turns out to be...

"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it."
- Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking.

I've been privileged to get to know an incredible woman a little bit better over the past year since our church's New Orleans mission trip. This Monday, her husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. They have 6 beautiful children. Her blog "Have you seen my mind? I've lost it again" is hilarious and candid. She just returned from a mission trip to Kenya, and had mentioned the possibility of going again next year and whether I wanted to go. Heck ya, I wanted to go.

I don't want to say too much more, but I feel deeply saddened by her loss. This family had shown me kindness and welcome, and I was touched by the love they still share after 24 years of marriage and 6 kids. It's something to aspire to. They were both devoted Christians, and it showed in their lives and their genuineness. The funeral is tomorrow morning. It's a sad time.

I'm asking the universe for an Aeron Chair

I stumbled across a blog, Word Wenches, when searching for the Aeron chair which I really want for Christmas but am pretty sure I'm not going to get since it costs something like $9,000. Well actually $749, to be precise, but it may as well be $9,000. They were mentioned in the book Freakonomics because the designer, Herman Miller, had his team design the most ergonomic chair they could, ignoring aesthetics. What they got is this thing that looks like, paraphrasing Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner (Freakonomics co-authors) a weird large black insect covered in mesh. I was in Office Depot the other day buying a tackboard for my "Wall of Love" and I wandered over to the chair section and found an Aeron. OH. MY. GOSH. The first thought (upon never having actually laid my eyes on one) is "That looks so uncomfortable. And freakishly weird." Then I sat down. OH. MY. GOSH. They are sooooooooo comfortable. They're sort of bouncy and soft in a way you certainly wouldn't expect from appearances. It just goe sto show, don't judge a chair by its freaky mesh covering! I simply must get one. So if anyone has a random $749 to plop down on this here writer activist bohemian friend of the universe woman - or alternatively if you just happen to have one you hate, or have some in storage not getting sat upon that you'd like to donate as a charitable cause to make my rear end more comfortable (not to mention my back alignment), let me know and I'll send you my address.

I mention the Word Wenches blog because in the post I stumbled on (where they mention the Aeron, which is why it came up in Google) the writer/blogger said something that made total sense to me. She said as a writer she is a hare, not a tortoise. She doesn't do a little bit of writing every day, slow and steady like a tortoise. Rather, she cranks out a whole bunch in a very short time. I thought, wow, that is so me! I sometimes get mad at myself for doing random stuff (wasting time?) like blogging, Facebook, CNN.com, emailing, and feeling this sense of literal dread when confronted with the idea of actually starting an article (seriously - I hate starting articles - it's painful). Reading the tortoise vs hare comparison, I realized that being a hare is just my writing style and working style. I am able to crank out good copy in a short time, and never miss a deadline. I've learned this technique works for me. I consider those online sites like Facebook (well some of them) creative outlets. Or sort of random mental stimulation. But I think I need to find a little more balance though and use a combination of tortoise and hare techniques to become even more productive while still enjoying my creative online endeavors.

Another random interesting thing is that the White House has a set of ornaments painted with themes of each individual National Park, Preserve and Historic Site. There are 350 ornaments painte dby artists across the nation and you can browse images here. I thought they were pretty cool. This one has pitcher plants on it, and represents the Big Thicket National Preserve in Texas, just a couple hours east of where I live. Some of them are much more beautiful than this one but this is relevant to an article I'm working on right now! Actually the White House has a theme of Holiday in the National Parks for the White House Christmas tree.

I’ve also heard that they’re “greening” the White House in a few ways. It’s like Bush is trying to bring attention to environmental issues late in the game to soften up the negative image of the Republican party’s environmental record right before the election.

Here is what they wrote:
“This Christmas season we give thanks for our nation’s abundant blessings. In the spirit of gratitude for our natural and historic treasures found from sea to shining sea, this year’s theme highlights America’s national parks. From breathtaking landscapes to important historical sites, generations have marveled at God’s magnificent creation and cherished memories of visits to these special places.”
– George W. Bush | Laura Bush

I mean really? Come on. BARF. Bush may appreciate beauty in nature (who doesn't?) but his environmental record shows that he's selling out on our national parks, infiltrating them with private vendors, cutting critical funding, opening ways for oil drilling and new roads... the list goes on. In fact NRDC (Natural Resources Defense Council) has a nice list of Bush's environmental record with national parks online.

whose words to believe?

Me, Savannah, Sam and Matt at The Melting Pot - an awesome fondue restaurant - for Savie's 13th birthday! (I had to blot out Savie's friend because her mom didn't want her photo on the internet - sorry it looks funny!)

Right now I have a house full of girls screaming at the top of their lungs, wrestling and having fun. It's my daughter's party and we're celebrating her 13th birthday, which was this past week (photos above from our family dinner party on her actual bday). Today, we went ice skating earlier and had pizza and cake and all that. Now it's about time to settle down and watch a movie.

Life has been interesting the past few weeks. Anxiety over the submission and negotiation of selling my book (proposal) has been crazy, and I will have some firm news early next week. Well I have some news now, but I don't want to reveal any details until papers are signed and all that jazz. It's not over 'til the contracts are signed!

I've struggled a bit lately with wondering why amidst all the positive feedback I receive from friends, my kids and their friends, random blog visitors, and family, I still fret over the very few times I get people who say things like "what an idiot" or who disappear and leave me questioning what I did wrong. Was it something I said? Some stupid thing that was mis-interpreted? Was I actually an idiot? (quite possible!) ;) But is that unforgivable? I guess I live in a world where I imagine that friends are friends for life, and that pretty much all offenses (especially minor annoyances) are forgivable and work-through-able. But I have found that is not a common way. I'm grateful that I have been able to find so many wonderful friends who do believe like I do, and who I would do anything for. But I always feel weakened by rejection, which I'm sure relates to the abandonment issues of my childhood. I need to truly integrate into my heart that my worth comes from God's love for me and not from the approval of anyone... yet at the same time it's reassuring to know that I have made a difference in the lives of my friends and that there are people who respect and admire what I do. It lifts me up and brightens my life.

I decided to make a "wall of love" for my office where I'll have photos of my friends and printed out statements that they've written to me over the years. Here are just a few from the last couple weeks:

• You are a treasure in my life!
  
• You are just the coolest friend! excuse me now I have to go cry tears of appreciation.....
  
• You are such a vibrant, glowing soul, smart, creative, a good friend to your friends, hugely curious about the wide world—and so incredibly talented!
  
• Sending you a big hug girlfriend along with a pint of yer fav ice cream (or soy ice cream?) I feel your pain Wendee, I really do. It's a painful rollercoaster, this believing in ourselves and putting ourselves out there.
  
• You are incredible, and rejection and abandonment issues should not be on your radar.
  
• Wendee, you are such a blessing to me. I hope you're taking some time for yourself and also not being too hard on yourself, in terms of loneliness, stress, anything. You're awesome -- great writer, neat person, cool woman, good friend, beautiful soul. I'm totally grateful for you.

I choose to believe these words as manna from heaven, gifts from God through my friends. I choose to believe the good and not the negative voices and the rejection, though I do try to learn lessons and always ask what I could do differently or to have a different outcome. I am going to watch a movie with the kiddos now. Love and light and laughter to all!

Savannah at her birthday party tonight. This is the mint bonbon cake that I made - yum!
Horseplaying tonight before we headed out for ice skating.

only love

Only love can make it rain
The way the beach is kissed by the sea
Only love can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers laying in the fields
...
Love can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky
Only love can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high

- Love Reign O'er Me by The Who, Quadrophenia

My dad recently shared these lyrics and though I've heard the song a hundred times in my youth, it's been some time now. What beautiful lyrics. And they go on...

I recently watched the movie Gandhi which was released when I was in middle school (1982) and I never watched it, but always wanted to. What a powerful story Gandhi has, and what a great movie. I am particularly taken by his stance on non-violent resistance. Could another person like Gandhi arise today, amidst all the bloodshed and hatred? I'm not sure. Looking at the way Jesus died rather than fight, I'm inclined to wonder if absolute non-violence is actually the Christian calling, which humanity has fallen far short of. I don't have any answers, only questions. And more than a little bit of sadness at the state of the world. It's easy for me to sit here and say "Where does all this anger and hatred come from?" but I'm not living in extreme poverty with my children, friends, parents, relatives murdered before me as some in warring nations have over their lifetimes. I only know that anger and hatred and revenge can never be the solutions.

Some of the things Gandhi said in the movie, which may not be exact quotes from his life, which moved me include:

"The only devils are those in our own hearts, and that's where the battles should be fought."

"I am willing to die for this cause, but there is no cause for which I am willing to kill."

"Through our pain that we suffer, we will let them see their injustice."

"Truth is God, and God is truth."

"Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable."

I've been feeling a bit discombobulated lately. It's a big transition time for me and some decisions that are out of my hands are causing me to postpone other decisions that will depend on that outcome. It's crazy making time... it's not always easy to let go and let God.