the meaning of words

In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel Kilcher

Sometime I start to notice messages appearing in different parts of my life as if God is trying to speak to me (no I am not hearing things - ha ha). For example, I read Tuesdays with Morrie's message about giving and receiving love, then wrote in my blog about it, and then Sunday's sermon was about receiving love... Our pastor talked about how we have to be able to receive love FIRST before we can give genuine love to others or ourselves for that matter. We have to be able to know that God loves us unconditionally, and that if we are children of God and accept the gift of his forgiveness, we are accepted as perfect even with our infinite imperfections, and that he wants to bless our lives.

I hear these things and intellectually understand but does my heart truly comprehend? Why do I worry and obsess and get anxiety over things I've said and things I've done when I should know that no matter what mistakes I make God's love for me burns bright and warm and eternal? I can curl up and rest in the warm sunshine of His love, and know that as long as I sincerely seek forgiveness for the errors in my ways, He will answer my prayers and guide me in my life's journey. He won't forsake me, and I will always be taken care of. I can lose my job or my health or my family or my friends or have the world hate me, or have no food or shelter, but God will continue to lead me and love me and provide all that I truly need- and with that love I can give to others. The answer to a prayer request may be NO (and it often is...) but I know that He is leading my life and I am here serving in the best way I can, using the gifts He gave me to teach, inspire, and love others with.

A couple weeks ago I received some somewhat harsh criticism. I heard words that were nothing but meanness, and they didn't hurt much because I knew that despite someone else's belief, those words were "not me". Regardless, in the face of words that sting or that seem to have no reality, I still like to search for the nugget of wisdom. Where are my actions misunderstood? What part of the words might I accept as true, if said in a kinder gentler way?

I remember an English assignment in 6th or 7th grade where we had to write definitions for words that had similar meanings but had different implications when you read them. It was an incredibly valuable lesson for me now as a writer - the exact word I choose can and will affect the way something is read and interpeted. Words are so powerful. So if someone calls me relentless it has a negative connotation. I know that in reality, I am very determined and persistent, yes. Similar words but the meaning is actually quite different. Relentless implies I will stop at nothing with a self-serving interest. I am definitely not that. I follow God's lead, and not my own (well I try, I certainly get off the path!). I am stubborn and impetuous and think I know the best way and I often do... but regardless I will not continue to pursue something into the ground if it is truly not a right path or not going anywhere. And these very traits have enabled me to succeed against many very difficult odds in my life, personally and professionally. Every trait can be both a weakness and a strength.

a time to dance

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven…
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance
– Ecclesiastes 3: 1,4

This scripture was in my daily devotion today, and so true to my life right now. In the past weeks I have wept, mourned, laughed and tonight danced. On the way home from my bible study, I cranked up the Black Eyed Peas new CD and my kids and I were dancing in the car at the stoplight – the woman next to us was looking at us and smiling (I think she actually goes to church with me – ha ha!). All three of us bopping around in the car – I am sure we were quite a site. When we got home Sam wanted to dance some more so like we do sometimes we put the CD in and danced around the kitchen until we were worn out. It was a beautiful end to a day full of anxiety.

And my cup truly runneth over. I checked my email, and got a message from Daline – we are doing this Best Year of Your Life thing together – and one of our exercises is to ask a couple people whose opinion we respect what are two things we admire about the other person. Below I am pasting her email to me (with her permission). When I read it I thought, I can now die happy knowing that someone on this planet truly understands me and gets what I've wanted someone to understand my whole life. As I said, friends are the true soul mates. Amen to that.

Wendee Finlay. Wendee Holtcamp. Wendee. Wen. Friend. Soul sister.

Two things I admire about my soul sister, Wen:

Enthusiasm and Determination.

Wendee reminds me of the energizer bunny. She gets an idea and she goes with it and
doesn't stop until it happens. She thinks in possibilities. She doesn't just dream; she succeeds. In college, she seemed to have the elusive balance. She treated school like a 9-5 job, maintained a 4.0 and had time to play. When she wanted to stay home with her children, she taught herself how to create websites to create income from home. She defended her Masters thesis with ease and grace just after giving birth to her first child.

Wendee is a glass half full kind of gal. She doesn't waste time complaining, describing in detail the texture of the glass and how full it used to be and how the people and events in her life have drank from her cup and now it's only 49.98% full. Wendee grabs the pitcher and fills it back up. She sees life as a puzzle: nothing is impossible, just create a plan and do it. Many times, when I have been afraid that I can't do something or have wanted to give up, I have thought of her and all that she has accomplished with very little help. She falls down, she gets right back up. She steers off course, she adjusts her sail. Through it all, she hangs on to the child-like enthusiasm that makes her so endearing.

I can picture Wendee as a little girl running through a field of sunflowers, eyes bright and shining, laughing without a care in the world, completely immersed in the moment.

She's still that little girl, and no one will ever convince her that dreams are for children, that you have to grow up and settle. Some people have enthusiasm, but run in circles. Some people have determination, yet are uninspired and self-limiting. In possessing both, a person can move mountains. In Wendee's world, you don't grow up and give up your dreams, you grow up and learn how to make them come true.

Whiners of the world. meet your savior.

tuesdays with morrie

I am reading Tuesdays with Morrie aloud to my kids. I love this book. I love its messages. I love the compassion Morrie has. Here are a few of the parts that I love that I read today.

Morrie is talking about how he saw a TV show with people in Bosnia getting shot at and how he started to cry for them. It was, at first, foreign to Mitch why you would feel this compassion for people someone didn't know. As a journalist, Mitch interviewed grieving families and attended funerals and never shed a tear. And Morrie said to him "The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." I think it's so true that not only do we learn how to give but to receive which is difficult for many people who are very generous but not so loving and generous toward themselves, to allow people to help us, and to accept kindness and love when it is given.

In the next chapter a favorite part is when Morrie is talking about how people don't think about what is important in life until they are faced with death. He says "the culture doesn't encourage you to think about such things until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up in egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks - we're involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?"

Then he adds "You need someone to probe you in that direction. It won't just happen automatically."

I hope to teach my kids to live their lives so that they always have compassion on their fellow man/woman, and to live each day to the fullest possible potential, to know that this day could be their last because death comes like a thief in the night, and this moment right here and right now is truly all we have. Fill it with love.

And what of the incredibly painful, sad, fearful times we really do endure? How do we feel love and joy amidst pain and uncertainty of the future - or in Morrie's case with known certain death? He replied to this question about whether he feels sorry for himself by saying "I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life."

Which reminds me of the bible passage taped to my bathroom door that tells me to focus my mind on what is good in the world and not get hung up on the negative, which I believe can run our mind in circles and lead to depression, which is rampant in our society. We don't need Prozac we need love! Genuine, compassionate, godly love that is not between man-woman but human-human; it can be friend, family, or mate. It is "agape" we need to learn to give and receive and that can heal the world.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Philippians 4:8

the threefold way

If there is one thing I have learned from this recent situation it is to trust the skeptical voice. I'm not talking about becoming totally jaded or cynical, I mean just that trust takes time and needs to be earned. It's easy for women (don't know for men because I'm not one and I have more women friends) to weaken our boundaries --- to trust too soon, and to put up with mildly unacceptable behavior or to think that things will change.

The way a person is with one thing is the way they are with all things. Show them the door and don't look back - life is too short to waste time holding onto false hope that people will change - they rarely do. If the relationship and love is genuine they will be patient and honest, they will return to what is right immediately. If not, then it's not right. And if it's not right, no matter of time is going to change that. I have learned that there is no need to wait around for anyone. I don't believe that any man needs "time". I believe that when I knew something wasn't right, I was right, and it was wrong of me to try to justify another's absence or distance - if it didn't work for me, then I should have walked away and not kept holding onto hope. There is simply no justification that is acceptable. To heck with the sweet words, they turn bitter in the mouth. That reminds me of a bible passage "I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up. It was as sweet as honey in my mouth. When I had eaten it, my stomach was made bitter." Revelation 10:10

The whole passage some have suggested is about the Antichrist, who comes to power by way of deceiving the people with sweet words.

A friend called tonight to have me talk her out of calling her exboyfriend and I threw many verbal tomatoes at him and it did the job! LOL. We are so much more deserving than that kind of treatment. We rock. ;)

I've been thinking about an understanding of the universe and the right way to live that involves three aspects
(1) love, acceptance and tolerance of others
(2) knowledge of and protecting one's own boundaries
(3) critical eye inward: continual self-introspection to determine where one can improve.

Although we can love and accept all others with a godly, forgiving, prayerful and merciful love, because of aspect 2, we don't necessarily let all people into our lives. We have to know and protect our boundaries as to what is acceptable behavior within our own lives. The bible says not to judge, but there is a difference between hypocritical and self-righteous judgment, and spiritual discernment/righteous judgment (John 7:24) that allows us to decide what is right for following a path of love for God, humanity, and ourselves. Turning the critical eye inward ensures we don't stagnate. When you get older if you don't exercise you're going to gain weight and lose health. Staying in shape takes energy and effort. Likewise with spiritual growth.

As people get older I believe boundaries weaken. Many have come face to face with their weaknesses, and some give up that they will ever or can change. People use this excuse to justify further going down the wrong path. It's never to late to return to the path, and everyone has the ability to reach for the power and love and grace that comes from Jesus Christ. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

ha ha ha ha ha

Savannah to me on the phone last night: "you're dancing around, shaking your booty & eating cheese?" (and I was...)

Just know that Savannah is a riot. She is a tween, and she is so sarcastic (wonder where she gets that from) and she cracks me up. She is not constantly silly like Sam but she and I have our moments. We have a home that has a lot of silliness. Matt (their dad) also is a very subtly hilarious guy. He likes to say he is from the planet Cruton. Savannah always hits him when he says that. We used to play a game Matt made up called "No not really" where we'd make up some crazy off the wall story, not revealing it was a made up story, and inevitably one of the kids would go "really?" and then we'd say "No, not really." It's amazing what you can get the kids to believe, even if temporarily.

My favorite one is "I was sitting in Starbucks the other day in the big purple chairs and I looked out the window and there was a giant donut rolling down the sidewalk."

Now this is the actual factual truth - I got a pack of Bertie Botts beans (of Harry Potter fame) at the video store the other day and I'd written an essay on these a couple years ago but hadn't seen them since they came out with the 1st movie. These things are hilarious - so Savannah and Sam & I are reading the package "key" to jellybeans - in an increasingly incredulous voice I'm saying out loud, "Black pepper, booger, dirt, Earthworm! Earwax! sardine, soap, bacon, rotten egg, Vomit!"

We tried some of the nasty ones before, and trust me they are dis-gust-ing. I had tried dirt before and it tasted like... dirt! Last night my friend came over and we sampled the goods, and Savannah had said soap was good, so I tried it and sure enough it wasn't bad. It definitely tasted like hand soap.

Gail was like "it tastes like, eww, something, soap and... sugar!" I also tried a black pepper (not bad) and vomit (had to spit that baby out... ewwwwww and double ewww). We were cracking up. And thanks to my awesome friends Gia & Elizabeth who popped in last night while Gail & I were watching a video and surprised me with brownies and a S-bucks card for my bday!!! Love you guys!

radical honesty

I have not written about my adventures out on Matagorda Bay at the end of July. I went out with Bill Balboa, fisheries biologist for an article I'm writing for TX Parks & Wildlife on the new delta at the mouth of the Colorado River. It was great fun. I truly love adventures.

Here are some photos from the trip: Matagorda Bay

I've been thinking about how it is when someone misunderstands your intentions or just flat out doesn't like you. I have always wanted to live at peace with all people but sometimes it just doesn't matter what you say or do, some people are just not going to be happy or they're not going to like you. You're going to rub them the wrong way. It used to bother me but I keep hearing those words I used to hate, in the kind voice of my best friend Daline saying, "You're doing the best you can."

And you know, what I love about Daline and what I strive for in my own life is to try to accept myself as is, to love myself even with the parts of me I don't like or are in progress, and yet to not use liking who I am as a general person as an excuse to not move forward to improve myself for tomorrow. There is always room for improvement. And you have to look within because people unfortunately don't usually sit you down and say, look here is what I wish you would change in the way you interact with me. I think its cowardice personally to be a bit blunt because most people will just walk away from a relationship or friendship or acquaintance rather than just talking about how things really are. I mean, come on people! Let's just lay it all on the line.

I believe in radical honesty. I think that no matter what you've been through, there is no shame in living this human existence. The only way society has ever progressed is sharing the painful, deeper, more intimate truths and showing other people that they are not alone in the things they feel or have experienced. We are never alone, no matter how alone we feel. We can always choose to come to the table and talk about it, and share our pain, our shame, our sorrow and likewise our joy, our successes, our strengths, our lessons. We live in a human community and it's about time we realized it.

WEENUS

Dedicated to my friend Bill Balboa who makes me laugh out loud and first introduced me to the world of weenuses (and he is definitely not a weenus) I have started a new blog WEENUS - check it out http://weenuses.blogspot.com

WEENUS
"A site to report all the weenuses in the world and all the crappy things they do. Send in your stories and I'll post them anonymously"

WEENUS: loose skin on your elbow according to urbandictionary. Dude your weenus is showing! Do you have any lotion? My weenus is dry.

WEENUS (my definition): Dimrods of the human race of all ilk and variety

And to describe the ultimate WEENUS: There is no knight in shining armor. There are only knights that come dashing up on their high horse, sweep you off of your feet, and jab their jousting stick through your heart.

Married to Mowgli, With Children

Married to Mowgli, With Children
(c) 2002 Wendee Holtcamp

(For a little comic relief, I am posting an essay I read on NPRs All Things Considered back in 2002)

I should have worried when he said he liked me because of the dirt under my fingernails on the first night we met. I worked at a nursery, and dirty fingernails were a natural result of planting petunias. He thought I was a real earthy girl. I had just returned from five months in Australia studying rainforest ecology, and I thought I was pretty earthy myself.

I was too enthralled with his chiseled muscles and those gorgeous blue eyes to notice his strange interests. I would soon discover that he was more like Mowgli the jungle boy than Brad Pitt. Before long, he’d be feeding our children maggots served on a bed of lemony rabbit grass. No matter that I was actually the one who had swung from vines in the Australian rainforest, my Mowgli could actually survive from the fruits of the earth.

“Me Mowgli, jungle boy, me eat wild creature and fruit of the earth.” He didn’t actually say that, but he may as well have. He’d supped on nearly every wild creature found in these southern parts: possum, soft-shell turtle, squirrel, deer, wild turkey, duck, alligator, frog. “Always wanted to try armadillo,” he often said.

“Leprosy doesn’t deter you?” I’d ask, in wonder, knowing these creatures are the only non-human carriers of leprosy in the animal kingdom. I knew it wouldn’t.

Once we got married and procreated, like the chimps of Gombe he passed along his unusual behavioral traits to our children. One afternoon, I returned home from teaching Biology, and my husband had a bowl of what looked like pine nuts before him, our two children eagerly peering inside. Some of the “nuts” are wiggling about in the bowl.

“Mmm, try some,” he said, as he popped a handful into his mouth.

“Gross!” I replied, “What are they?”

“Carpenter ant larvae.”

“Oh lovely. You’re feeding maggots to my children!”

My young ones are far braver than I. They each reached into the bowl and grabbed some of the white elongate creatures that had been dug up from a hollow tree by the bayou. My daughter selected one non-wiggling pine nut ant larvae creature and slowly lowered into onto her tongue. She chewed it nervously, then ran and spit it out on the front porch.

Sam grabbed a whole handful, wiggly ones and all. “Mmm. Tastes like nuts. It would go good with rabbit grass!” He slipped outside to gather a handful of the lemony relative of clover.

“So, I suppose you have researched whether or not these are poisonous?” I asked jungle boy, senior.

“Ant eggs aren’t poisonous,” he guffawed. “They’re a delicacy!”

“Just like the Drummond rattlebox beans, I suppose.”

A few months back, we had been kayaking along our backyard bayou when he noticed a rattling pod of a common shrub. We pulled to the shore and collected several. When we got home, he shelled them and promptly began to boil them up for dinner.

“Aren’t you going to check if they are poisonous?”

“They’re legumes,” he assured me. “Legumes are never poisonous.” He tried to persuade me based on the fact that he’s been eating wild roots and shoots since he was a child wandering the back woods of Mississippi -- even had him a book on edible nature, at one time.

“Hmm, sure,” I said, not at all convinced. He’s about to feed some strange thing to my lovely children with nary a second thought as to whether it may cause their neurons to misfire or their livers to turn purple. I pulled out my handy guidebook, “Trees and Shrubs of Texas.”

“May poison livestock.” I read aloud. He looked up from the stove.

“We’re not livestock,” he replied, hopefully. He turned off the pot, and discarded the beans.

But here in the same kitchen, it was too late with the ant eggs. The kids had already consumed them. Nobody regurgitated ant maggots that night, so we can all rest assured that carpenter ants are indeed edible, if not at all appetizing.

So it is, married to Mowgli, with children. Never certain what aboriginal delicacy will end up in my kitchen. I’ve learned to wrinkle my brow and say in a perturbed voice, “disgusting!”

Secretly, I think it’s hilarious. It makes an interesting conversation twist when I’m out with my girlfriends. They think they have it bad when their husbands won’t cook. I mollify their concern with my stories of my jungle boy husband that does cook.

st. francis prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

anger management

A friend sent me this story about anger management and I won't post the whole thing here, but it starts out:
-------------------
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
-------------------

I laughed so hard reading this, and today when driving to work, some jerk in a big red truck (I hate guys driving the freaking humongous trucks - they are always moron assholes) tailgated me and then cut in front of me (I despise tailgaters) and so I noticed he had a FOR SALE sign in his car (the later part of the story circulating the net actually has this same scenario) but I really did this - I caught up with the guy and wrote the number down in my notebook I carry with me, and next to it wrote "Asshole". I doubt I will ever call but I am tempted because I am having serious pissed off issues the past few days!

I could write a really good Jagged Little Pill right now and I just might. Except it wouldn't be music it will be a book. Besides a lack of concentration, and anger, I have actually started laughing a lot. Its kind of strange - stress release I guess. My daughter is in this weird phase where she is doing something strange sounding with her voice and breath, so at dinner I started talking like her and we were all cracking up. Savannah decided she wanted to act like monkeys at the dinner table so I said ok so all three of us were there making monkey noises and scratching our armpits - it was quite a site. ROFLOL

pearl in the oyster

I went to the beach this week with my kids, a last rendezvous before school starts. I had received a whollop of bad news on Wednesday morning, had to spend the day in meetings where I wasn't really mentally there, and then got to get away...

At the beach, my kids and I spun around and around and around with our arms outstretched in the surf until we were dizzy and I said that we were spinning all our cares away. I did cartwheels in the surf. Then we all laid down on our tummies and let the surf and the washed up sargassum seaweed wash over us. Sam had a blast looking for crabs and shrimp in the sargassum. He's such a little explorer. My brilliant 10-year old daughter astounded me by saying "Life is like an oyster. You have to get through all the yucky stuff and inside there is a little pearl." It brought tears to my eyes. I asked her where she heard that and she said it was inside her head. There is an Alanis song that says "Me, whose seen life as an oyster...". For my 10 year old to have this wisdom without anyone telling her, even if she heard the song and figured it out astounds me. Especially because she put it in a way that even I hadn't gotten the message from the song quite that way.

Lessons I learned recently:
(1) If it seems too good to be true, it is.
(2) Listen to your inner voice, but even better follow it. Listen to your inner voice above the part of you that wants to believe in love and the integrity of other people.

a living funeral

Today my soul is filled with both sorrow and joy. I am saddened and disappointed
in some people who I once considered friends. I am saddened by the meanness and
unforgiveness and judgmental nature of so many people. It is everywhere, and it breaks my heart. I even got annoyed at reading about how people wrote F*CK Lance Armstrong on the sidewalk at the Tour de France. I mean, give the guy a break. Why would anyone wish meanness on another person? Because he is winning? Because he is a survivor and has an amazing story and beautiful kids and a fiery determined spirit? Well, yea unfortunately some people don't like it when people are doing well. Call me naive but I long for a world where people are accepting and open and able to express their truth and still be accepted or at least not condemned. Life is not black and white, there are shades of gray.

I feel joy to know that I have so many good friends who are not like that. As far as I'm concerned it is impossible to lose a true friend. If someone ever was a friend, they will always be one. If someone can get offended so much that they walk away and won't even come to the table to talk about things, then they never were true. My life motto is represented in Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote about success (on my website) and one line is that success includes enduring the betrayal of false friends, and I have been there.

On the other hand, I deeply care about all those who have touched my life and continue to touch my life through their friendship! I feel lonely at times that I can't be surrounded by all those who love me and whom I love. I wish sometimes I could gather everyone from all over the globe - all my friends from Australia to Oregon to Alaska to California and New Jersey and Florida and here in Texas and everywhere in between - in a room and we could all have one big party and talk about all the things we love about one another. Why do we have to wait until our funeral to have all those who love us gather together.

One day I think I'd like to do what Morrie Schwarz (of "Tuesdays with Morrie") did and have a living funeral - a party where all one's dear ones gather and say all the things they love about the person. In the absence of that - for now - I like to gather together nice uplifting things my friends have said in emails and print them out together and I read them when I'm feeling down. I'm trying to make a collage with everyone's photos so I can have something with all my friends pictures and uplifting things they've said that show they love me.

Loneliness is a regular companion although I can keep her at a distance because I keep myself so busy. I have done some fun things with friends this week and truly enjoyed them. However when I get quiet there is just always this sadness tugging at my heart.

Lately I have come to hear in my heart the scripture that "my grace is sufficient for you" and have to trust in this. I do believe it's true. The loneliness and melancholy is almost beautiful sometimes. To cry and express fear and loneliness and sadness can be cathartic and a part of the whole human experience and not something to hide from - as long as it doesn't become a dwelling place.

As Henri Nouwen wrote in The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom, one must circle around one's abyss without falling in. Nouwen is the greatest spiritual writer I've ever read. Just a truly amazing man. He was a Catholic priest, writer, and man of great love and depth. He spent a lot of his life taking care of the extremely physically and mentally handicapped at L'Arche Daybreak Center. As the website says, "Henri Nouwen spent his life helping people respond to the universal 'yearning for love, unity, and communion that doesn’t go away' Is it possible to touch and taste the love of God? How can we live a spiritual life that embraces the pain and suffering of our lives and in the world, and gives us the freedom to love deeply wherever we are?."

Now that's what I'm searching for.

PS The photo of me canoeing is on Buffalo Bayou, photo courtesy of Don Keeline, my paddle partner that I proceeded to dump in the bayou at the end of the journey - whoops! My typical Bridget Jones style!

PSS I posted this and then thought some more. As I often do these days it came to me to think that if I hate a trait in others, where is that trait manifested in my own life? I hate meanness in people, so where have I been mean? And I started to cry to know that even very recently I have said things to people I love that hurt them, that even if I don't intend them that way they are mean. It doesn't necessarily matter my intent if it comes across in a way that hurts. This is an act of self-sabotage. And the lyrics of an Alanis song came to me, "How soon will I be holy?" (Baba from her 2nd album SFIJ) and that made my cry some more. I think I'll go listen to it now.

hard on myself

The other day I was listening to Debbie Ford's audio-CD and she was talking about ending blame and taking responsibility for our lives, and in the visualization she asks who do you blame, and I realized that I have taken to heart that I have responsibility for my life for better or worse for a long time. Though I've certainly had anger at my parents mistakes, I fully accept the responsibility of taking my life by the bootstraps and getting my act together and making things happen. The result is something that I don't know how to deal with -I place all the blame for things going awry on myself! So we are told to take responsibility but how do we avoid then blaming ourselves for our problems and mistakes? How do we prevent self-blame and self-hatred and choose self-love in the face of accepting total responsibility?

I talked to my friend Daline and she said she could see how hard I am on myself. True story. We were talking about how she tries to have compassion on people as doing the best that they can, but I told her I disliked that phrase. I mean, was Hitler "doing the best he could"? No way! I don't care what kind of crappy childhood he had, he was NOT doing the best he could. He could have done better. I feel we can always do better - the world is full of such apathy and greed and selfishness and I just have to think that we people can do better! That is when Daline said she can see how hard I am on myself... And when I say these things about the world I have to look inward and say, where in myself do I see apathy and greed and selfishness? Because one can't deny all the things we hate in the world sometimes come up in our own lives. I love Daline, because you know she loves me for who I am and I think she is the coolest woman.

I just get so impatient for wanting the promised land right now, and I'm stuck instead with days of loneliness and longing.

I was in Wal-Mart and this mom was looking at DVDs with her young daughter and they were discussing buying one, and the daughter said something and then all of a sudden the mom says, "OK Ms. know-it-all, that's what happens when you know it all, you get nothing." I was like, sheesh what kind of message are the dysfunctional moms of the world who shop at Walmart telling their kids! I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but to tell your kid that if you know it all, you get nothing? Thank God I didn't get that message because I want to know it all! Learning is about the only thing I'm good at...

I sat at this dock in the photo at a black bear workshop in Martin Dies Jr State Park the other week talking to a TPW biologist and it was just enjoyable to have a nice conversation with someone - it invigorates my spirit to connect with people and share life and interests. It was a good day.

halfway to seventy

I took the day off work to go have fun at Astroworld & Waterworld today! I went with one of my best friends from high school Suzanne and her 4 kids, and my kids and my friend from work Ruthanne.
Here is a photo of Suz and I looking like drowned rats because after about two hours there the thunderstorm from hell started! We hid in a store for two more hours and then finally headed home with a raincheck to come again... It was great to catch up though, Suz and I had so many fun times together in high school with my other best friend from that era Kim. The beach, Grandy's, partying, prom and tubing afterwards....partying some more! Suz is am amazing beautiful woman and it blesses my life to have kept in touch with her. I truly believe that if you're a friend, you are a friend for life! Friendships/relationships are precious to me, the most important part of my life (including my kids!). Both of us were a bit of lost souls in high school and we have both become Christians and it is a beautiful thing to see how life comes full circle.

My kids are so sweet - they woke me up with presents wrapped on the table -- they'd made me picture frames and homemade cards. Sam's card had the Chinese symbol for happiness on it (he drew it) and inside it said "You are the best mom!!!" with hearts all around, and Savannah wrote a story about how I was born and in the end it said "Wendee was the best mom. Savannah loved her a whole lot. So did Sam. In the end there was Peace (Chinese symbol for peace). The End." :)

I also got the nicest card from Daline that made my year! My cup runneth over...

peter pan and wendy darling

I just watched Finding Neverland with my kids and my exhusband. My son first rested on me, and then moved to the armchair where he fell asleep, looking so much like me as a young child. My daughter who is growing up so fast, then laid her head on my shoulder, snuggling up to me. "Time," the old lady said in the movie, "like the clock inside that old crocodile, it is time that chases after all of us."

The movie was beautiful, poignant, sad, based on a true story of the inspiration for playwright James Barrie's Peter Pan. Wendy Darling of that movie is my namesake (I changed the spelling of my name in 8th grade to be different). Wendy wasn't really a common name at all before the 1970s. According to The History of Wendy, the character represents "mothering, caring, loyalty, and undying friendship." Wendy also means wanderer. The character Wendy Darling escaped to Neverland where she had grand adventures, and never had to grow up and grow old or become a boring grownup. Wendy felt torn between these two worlds, but she ultimately chose to Leave Neverland and return to the world and choose responsibility over eternal fantasy. I hope to one day write something as brilliant and meaningful as that play.

As we all four sat on my couch watching the movie like a family we once were, sometimes it seems so sad that we are not. We get along far better now and yet I treasure our friendship because genuine friendships are so rare. Yet my heart aches for and completely belongs to someone else who came into my life early this year, full of dreams and desires and poetry and depth. As I walked through my house with tears in my eyes and a knot in my chest I knew that nobody will ever live up to what he provided me in such a short time. Words cannot begin to describe the magic of what we shared. And yet when I had all of him I could not give in to it because love terrifies me.

innocence

I am a diamond and I cannot be broken -- Antigone Rising

I find myself drawn to photos of children laughing, youth, beauty, simplicity. I am creating my vision map where you look through magazines and find images that appeal to your deepest desires and words that inspire you. I love candid photos that capture children in their own world, absorbed in what they are doing, unconcerned, happy, in awe. Even in tears children express their pain so purely. Children are so raw with their emotions, so true to themselves, so unafraid to express their truth. They contain so much beauty and innocence. How I long for a world where we could all feel safe enough to be truly ourselves, to speak our truths and not be afraid of what we will lose and who won't like us and what people will think. This I think is freedom.

date rape and freedom

Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent. Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever. The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not.
- Henry David Thoreau, upon the death of his son

This is a hard story to tell, but something I really dealt with emotionally about 5 years ago. In some respects, telling it is almost anticlimactic because it's easy for people I've told about the situation to just downplay it. The truth is, I have met so many friends who this has happened to in one way or another. Many more have not yet reckoned with the powerful impact such an event has on who they are, the hidden self, the "piece of shit feeling" as Jennifer Aniston calls it, that just about everybody carries around deep down. This event affected my marriage, my ability to trust people, but also ultimately gave me the power of an interminable spirit that will not be forced down. I will not allow myself to be a victim or to let pain keep me from doing the best I can to enjoy my life. It's not always easy. As Barbara Johnson wrote, "Pain is inevitable, misery is optional so stick a geranium in your hat and be happy!"

The date rape happened to me in 10th grade when I was 15 years old. It was a very traumatic year and part of my life, which I literally told no one about until I turned 30 years old and started to understand what had happened and how it had affected me. It was not all traumatic and violent like you might imagine rape. Throughout my life I was always fascinated by violent rapes and never realized that it had happened to me. If you don't think people can repress memories, think again! Its like a slow awakening, the piecing together of a mosaic of shards that finally reveal a whole picture. It certainly had a very traumatic effect on my young life, compounded by the shame of being blamed for the event, and unceremoniously dumped drunk on my front lawn as my friend desperately tried to wake me enough to walk into the house without waking my parents. Over the months after, I turned to alcohol and self-loathing and attempted suicide. I still bear the scars on my wrist and I look at them as a reminder that I will never ever let anything in life take me to that depth again.

Life offers unlimited beauty and grace, and I swore that I would never let the inevitable pain in life take away my ability to laugh and be vulnerable and let in love. That is why I find it ironic that despite all my vows to myself, that I have still managed to keep my heart behind an iron gate in some ways. I always swore that I would not let pain keep me from enjoying my life. Sometimes it seems to have gotten close to the better of me, but so far I'm still fighting - fighting to live the best life I can possibly live and to claim the promised land that God promises the faithful believer. If you want to read a really tough story, you can read an essay I wrote on that dark time in my life. I put it here in the hopes that it may help other people who have dealt with this issue, to hold a candle in the darkness and offer hope from despair. The Night That Changed Everything.

I love July. It's my birthday month and also the 4th of July holiday - my favorite as a kid. I feel very proud to be an American - I certainly don't think that I or anyone in this country is better than anyone else in any way, but our country was founded on principles of truth and freedom. Our government's decisions may not always represent every individual's desires, and it makes its fair share of mistakes, but it is a democratic nation and it's our responsibility as citizens to engage and participate in the process- even beyond the vote. Without citizens fighting for what they believe should occur in the nation, change would be led by greedy interests and it often is. Never underestimate your power when you fight for something deep and true and just. By fighting I don't mean violence, sometimes it's getting your perspective heard and joining with others who feel the same, sometimes it's finding common ground. Freedom can be found in our own personal lives, also, no matter where you live... we have the freedom to live outside of the pain and spiderwebs that would try to keep us down. It's our choice to take the key given to use and free ourselves from the chains that bind us. As the Eagles sing in Already Gone, "So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key..."

raging thunder lizard evangelist agents for change

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
- Harold Whitman

In writing this book project I'm working on, I realized how painful writing can be for me. It comes out in fits and starts, particularly at the beginning. I say painful because its almost as if I'm depleting my life force by taking it from my mind and soul and putting my creative expressions in words. However I don't feel like that when I'm writing something open and free like this blog or in my journal. I think part of it is that I have complete creative freedom and expression and no deadline and no one to impress or please. I feel very attached to my creative expressive writing because its a part of me, only I can write these particular words and had these particular experiences.

Yesterday, I listened to this "community call" with Alanis Morrissette and author Cheryl Richardson (Stand Up For Your Life) and Alanis talked about how the work-horse mentality for her is such an inspiration killer, and that she'd rather go eat bonbons than work in an environment like that! I completely relate to that. She said that for her best expressive talents to come out, it was vitally important to be surrounded by people excited by the process of creating, who are non-invested in the outcome. She needed to have an environment where giddiness and joy were present. She also expressed how people around artists need to understand the sensitivity of the creative environment for the artist, and artists themselves have to be vigilant about guarding the artist spirit/inner child. This resonated deeply with me. (You can listen to the hour-long call at 405-244-4000 then punch 158).

I have had some feisty moments lately with some friendships, but I also am realizing that the fiery passion that lives in me - my protective bear spirit -- is itself my creative energy, the passion that makes me excited to live, to love, to have this and every day to write, to have friendships, to smile at the giggling of my friend's toddler when he pets our kitty, to just be excited about making things happen (these things are the manna in my day that feeds me). Our anger or rage against injustice and our voice that speaks our own truth is not something to be hidden away, it is the force that creates change - to make our lives better for ourselves, but also makes the world a better place for our children.

A colleague at work once had the official title "Raging Inexorable Thunder Lizard Evangelist Agent for Change" - Is that cool or what?! I think it is my new unofficial title, #2 in charge. Ha ha! But I'll have to add Bohemian to the title... Raging Inexorable Thunder Lizard Bohemian Evangelist Agent For Change. Or Raging Inexorable Bohemian Thunder Lizard Evangelist Agent For Change? Here is a quote from an article in Fast Company magazine: "Being a thunder-lizard is about fighting the silly notion that passion doesn't belong in the workplace. We need to harness passion."

emotional intimacy and fear

As I was running today, I was thinking about my two "best year" goals, and I had been leaning toward "having more fun/finding more like-minded friends" as one (the other is a professional goal). But I got to thinking that it doesn't matter how many friends I have or how many fun things I do, what I really crave and need to learn and stretch to do is emotional intimacy - with my kids, with my friends, with the people I love. I feel my attachments very passionately, and I have deep love for my family and friends, but I find it somehow really hard to really let people in.

The ironic thing is that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I can be very talkative, and I write prolifically. I have few secrets, so my life is like an open book. But what struck me was that I almost use writing and talking as my medium for connection at the expense of really, truly, deeply letting people in, or moving it to a deeper level, or even listening to the other person's life and needs and wants. I push people away when they get too close in one way or another. I tend to work myself to death, with so many things on my plate, and have to force myself out of the house to spend time with the kids. Either I'm too busy for people, or I find ways to sabotage the relationship from its full potential. I did this with the love of my life, because as I felt myself getting deeply attached and closer, I pushed him away because I was terrified of being hurt or letting him in too deep. Of course it backfired. What I really wanted was a closer connection but that's not what I did and that's not what happened. I think it will continue to work itself out, but its a bit scary how it can come and bite you in the ass.

Am I a good listener? Probably not. A lot of people open up to me, so maybe I am (I want to be), but am I more interested in everyone else hearing all about "me" and my needs and desires and wishes, or really connecting on a deeper level and hearing about their truths and needs and desires. I think its because my "story" (as Debbie Ford calls it) is that I am unwanted, nobody cares about me - so listen to me, hear me, tell me I am important. The goal of Debbie Ford's work is to live outside of the story and to be fully alive and passionate and not whine and complain and live in our story. Its tough! Intellectually I do know that acknowledging another's perspective is absolutely critical to true understanding and empathy and connection. Its hard to get from the stage of intellectual understanding to implementing it in my own life.

Anyway, so I think that will be my year's challenge, to learn to emotionally connect with people I care about, starting with my kids. I am actually pretty good with keeping up with people, friends & family, but I want to take these things to a deeper level, to challenge myself to be brave and listen better and love in a way that seeks the other's best interest before my own and see how it blesses my life and theirs.

camping and making one's heart light as a feather

What would life be like without kids? I love those little crazies. I took them with me to Angelina National Forest where we learned about longleaf pine ecosystems with a USFS biologist, and then the kids and I camped at Martin Dies Jr. State Park at the northern edge of the Big Thicket. They complained the whole time we were out with the biologist ("it's hot," "I don't feel good," "Sam says he would rather be at the MALL shopping than out here!" etc etc).

I sent them on a quest to find the coolest pine cone, which Sam took to with abandon and Savannah ignored completely. Halfway through the day, Savannah was whining and complaining and I gave her a little talkin'-to about appreciating the day and the moment because it can always be worse - all the things we have can disappear in an instant: our health, our family, our financial blessings. I told her kids her age have suffered through cancer, the Great Depression where families struggled to put food on the table or keep the kids at home at all, the death of family members. While this may seem harsh for a kid, I believe they must learn this lesson because it's a deep truth. The present moment is all we truly have, and I believe so much "life" is lost because we fail to just take a deep breath and appreciate that we can breathe, that we can walk, that we can talk, smell, taste, hug, and see and appreciate the beautiful outdoors. (See more photos of Angelina NF and Martin Dies Jr SP.)

Immediately after this "talk" we went swimming in Sexton Pond at Boykin Springs campground of the Angelina National Forest, and she cheered up quite a bit. In the pond I told her she was my Mystery Magic, and she liked this at the time, at least it made her smile. I decided Sam was my Sunshine Crazy. I am still working on a name for myself but it starts with Bohemian. The kids thought Bohemian Stupidhead sounded good... I said if you both came from me, then I must be Bohemian Magic Sunshine or Bohemian Mystery Crazy.

Sam convinced us all to try to catch minnows by hand, at which we failed miserably. Then he found a hairy mud monster, which he proceeded to try to attack Savannah and I with. We had a great time. On the way back to the car, Savannah started singing a song the kids made up at school that just cracked me up, I just love the silliness of kids. In chapel they sing the song "Go now in peace..." and she was singing "go now in peas... go now in broccoli... may the love of the Lord surround you..." I just think kids are funny. To listen to what they talk about and how their minds think is fascinating. I get so busy, its easy to miss so much of it. Even when they whine 50% of the time, its worth it when they give great big hugs and make me smile by their silliness.

What makes me feel great is when I can just be myself and act silly (which is me being me...); when I can laugh and do cartwheels and roll down grassy hills and hang upside down on the monkey bars and pick my kids up and spin them around in the middle of the mall and make silly faces and really not give a rats a** what anyone else thinks. And I do these things! But more often than not we grownups are so constrained to worry about what everyone else thinks. I really abhor being a grownup sometimes because of this. Because it's not that I'm worried about what other people think in terms of doing something immoral or unethical but its more, "Is being me ok?" if being me is something certain people might frown on - I'm too old to act like that, I talk too much ("chatty Cathy" persona - LOL), I open my mouth (or my outgoing email) when I should shut up, then I obsess over if I said the wrong thing, I don't ask the right people permission, I ask too many questions, I don't trust, I have thin boundaries... so many things that are just me learning how to live and yet is it ok to be here where I am? Is it ok to not be perfect? Yet?! In the mall today after a movie I was swinging my bag around and around and she was like "Mom! That is something a kid does! You are supposed to be old and boring like a grown-up." So I proceeded to pick her up and twirl her around and around several times, and she laughed and acted embarrassed but I know she loves it (because she gave me a big hug). Why should kids have all the fun?

I had an odd family structure growing up and I really taught myself most of what I needed to know about life (much through music and books); my dad and mom and Celeta and Skip taught much about being a genuine and "good" person, but I learned so little about how to interact with other people because I never had a real or cohesive family unit, and I spent most of my time alone, reading, doing my own thing, or proving adults wrong so that I learned not to trust authority. This issue is something I am working on, how to interact in a team. Savannah and I went to see the movie "The Perfect Man" tonight and the teenager has a line at the end of the movie when she wants to move and says, "I'm done with these people, I want new ones." I remember feeling that exact same thing when I was growing up - we moved so often that I rarely had to deal with working things through with friends and people who I went to school with. I remember being glad to move again because I could completely start over. In a meditation before we saw the movie, that same message came to me, that I need to learn to stay and work through things when they get tough and everything isn't perfect. Weird!

To the questions of whether it's ok to be one's imperfect self, Debbie Ford retells a beautiful lesson she learned from her rabbi: to write on a piece of paper, "I am nothing but dust and ashes" and put it in one pocket and meditate on it. Then write on another piece of paper, "The whole universe was created just for me" and put it in the other pocket. Then meditate on both truths. She also related something Deepak Chopra said, which is that when we die God puts our heart in one hand and a feather in another; if our heart is lighter than the feather we know we have evolved. I like this because so many people (myself included) have heavy hearts, we become entangled as we weave our way through life's spiderwebs. To find the Way that makes our heart light and joyful has got to be the greatest gift we can give ourselves and those who encounter us in life. Jesus did say that he came so that we could have life, and have it to the full (Jn 10:10); and to lay our burdens on him, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Mt 11:30). How to get from here to there, that is the question. I think part of the answer is that the joy comes like manna to God's people in the desert: a hug, the splashing of water, the lesson learned, the work completed successfully, an awareness and recognition in the present moment that "I am alive, healthy, have two great kids and wonderful friends and an imperfect but loving family..." The huge mountaintop moments come only rarely, but manna comes daily, we just have to recognize the smallness of it can still nourish every part of our soul and provide just what God knows we need.

Anne LaMott completely cracks me up. She has got to be my all-time favorite author. My friend Daline and I have been talking about the parts of our personality that we define (Daline gives them names, aka chatty Cathy, so I started this practice too). I am reminded of something in LaMott's book "Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life" where she relates the chattering voices in her head, and how she mentally shrinks them down and puts them in a jar, screws the lids on tight and watches them chattering away clawing at the sides. She writes, "There's the vinegar-lipped Reader Lady who says primly, 'Well that's not very interesting is it?'" and then about sitting down to write, "Then your mental illnesses arive at the desk like your sickest, most secretive relatives. And they pull up chairs in a semicircle around the computer, and they try to be quiet but you know they are there with their weird coppery breath, leering at you behind your back." I love someone who can make me laugh because I hate to say it, but I don't laugh much anymore, and someone who can make me laugh out loud is my hero! I can usually make myself laugh at myself (I do write things and laugh out loud at them...), and sometime my kids make me laugh but sheesh I gotta work on this...