Wednesday, September 07, 2005

i'm tired

people are starting to ask why i haven't written in my blog in a week so i better say something... lol. i love you guys! i am tired... it has been a long week. i feel somewhat numb. i feel like so much pain and difficulty has been heaped on me and the world i just feel so overwhelmed i can't even feel it anymore. i remember after 9/11 i was transfixed on the television, when i never watch tv at all except for big events. but for katrina it all seems so distant. of course maybe the fact that i had to disconnect my cable and now i don't have any television channels *might* be a factor... i haven't turned on the tv on my own in about 2 years except to occasionally watch dvds...but really it all seems a far-off dream, or nightmare rather.

yet i start to picture myself as one of those people and how i would feel and i start to cry for what they've had to endure. and then i think of the things i am going through in my own life, and have gone through the last month and i sometimes cry but i mostly feel numb and sometimes mad. I feel like why, what in the world have i ever done to deserve these things? and then i know that because i am always praying, and always seeking the truth, the way, the love, the light, my own sin, my own way out... there has to be a higher purpose.

i had a sort of eureka moment a few weeks ago when i realized that the answer (or a possible answer) to why God allows pain on earth to undeserving individuals (such as children, animals, and in cases where someone did not do anything "wrong") is that only through such pain does the world progress in terms of growing more just and more loving. pain and injustice can make us bitter or it can make us stronger and more dedicated to truth, justice, and the way of love. love is not just wishy washy ooey gooey, sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in and what you know is right. and its hard. and it takes risk. and you think maybe you're being foolish. but in the end i have to answer to God alone. and there ain't no excuse that is going to do the trick. i am rambling because i'm tired. i went to the Texas city prairie preserve and here are a couple photos. i'll add more later. hi celeta! i love you and you are awesome, my role model for being real and true and down to earth and seeing the good in me...thank you and i'm so glad i found you again. (or you found me...). hi gail! :) keep eating those earwax jellybeans! ;0) yummy!

of all the days when life seems so crappy i just think of the amazing network of friends i have and i love you all with all of my heart!!!!! i could not get through the days without knowing you all are there. and my beautiful kids... mystery magic and sunshine crazy... i love when my ten year old daughter who is nearly as big as me comes running to give me a hug and nearly topples me over. my life was not so good when i was her age. i see her with her 800-page novel and it cracks me up. I think she knows more then most of the adults around her. I know celeta always said that about me as a child... g'nite guys. hasta luego. (and don't get me wrong i love life and its beautiful and i just need a day outside to bring it all back in focus). thank goodness the next 2 days are field days to katy prairie preserve and to the little thicket the most amazing place!...i will post photos.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'll leave you with a few quotes from a book I'm reading called "Approval Addiction", overcoming your need to please everyone by Joyce Meyer. I didn't feel that a had an approval addiction but could see some of these tendencies in myself. She writes: "We suffer much agony because we try to get from people what only God can give us, which is a sense of worth and value. Look to God for what you need, not people. People usually need a reason to love and accept us but God does not. And this made me laugh: "We act as if God is shocked to discover we make mistakes. He is not in heaven wringing His hands saying "Oh no! I had no idea you would act like this when I chose you." God has a big eraser and He uses it to keep our record clean and clear.
Hang in there! Love, Gail