Wednesday, October 05, 2005

love and sorrow

Who am i that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name, would care to
feel my hurt. Who am I that the bright and morning star would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart. Not because of who I am but because of who you are. I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind. Still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord you catch me when I'm falling, you told me who I am. I am yours. - Casting Crowns in "Who am I".

I am feeling sad about love this afternoon. I know it is sappy but I see movies in which two people fall in love and it seems so magical - I love how they can make me feel though. I know its the movies. I then think of Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow and know that they are real people, real in the sense of not fake Hollywood types (not that I know them personally but I can tell a lot about Sheryl Crow from her lyrics and Armstrong from his drive), and you know I am a People magazine fanatic... LOL. I can feel the love in her lyrics on her latest album and the look in her eyes. It seems such a beautiful love story, two mature people who can find hope and companionship and attraction. I feel so jaded and doubtful it will ever happen for me.

It's funny because most of the time I really don't care, I have a bunch of truly awesome real, kind and generous friends, a satisfying and important career, and I feel like I'm relatively well-rounded (that sounds funny). Most of my days I just am so busy and things go along and I try to enjoy each day and not take life too seriously - its something I say in my prayer every morning - this is the day the Lord has made, let me rejoice - find joy - and be glad today! Anyway, I used to really want to find a great huge love and then I did when I was young (20), but marriage is so much harder and painful than anything I imagined, and we both had so much growth to do. I don't know if I've ever met a really happy married couple. And if they exist its because there is a mutual respect and each person has their own life too. Then I got divorced and the first real relationship turned out to be based on a house of cards - everything I thought I had wanted and had turned out to be utter untruths. So what now?

These thoughts bring tears to my eyes because I won't settle. I want it all, and I'd rather stay solo than be with someone that doesn't share the vision. Not perfection but someone real and good all the way down to their soul and funny and full of joie de vivre and honesty. And let's be real, there has to be attraction and passion. There are some of these people out there but mostly they are married (and I won't go there!). Or in Antarctica. I try to believe that the right person is out there but to be honest I don't know that.

I have to be ok with the possibility I will always be alone. And I'm ok with that but sometimes it does get lonely. I read somewhere that the difference with friendships and a life partner is that you have someone who "witnesses" your life day in and out. You have someone who is "there" with you through all that you endure - the joys and sorrows. And to this day, my exhusband is still the one who knows me better than anyone and who has shared in all that I have gone through even after the divorce - when I found a lump in my breast he told me that married or not he would be by my side, and that no one should go through something like that alone (it turned out benign), as I went through my post-divorce depression, and he was there as my heart was broken, as painful as it was for him. But we are two separate souls on separate paths. Life can be so sad sometimes. Then again, maybe it is just that time of the month ;)

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