Saturday, October 15, 2005

outside the box and inside my heart

I have no job, but I feel so blessed and I feel free. Feeling imprisoned by other people's limitations and expectations has always felt so burdensome to me. I am not one to live inside of a box or to be confined to the smallness of other people's demands and expectations. I am going to dream big and watch those dreams continue to manifest. I remember one professor said "You can't fit Wendee in a box" in class, and I was like "That's right! You can't fit me in a box!" I am sure I sounded pretty obnoxious. It's so funny to shine the light at oneself and realize what a moron you are most of the time but I do the same thing to everybody else and love em anyway. I think people take themselves too seriously. I love to be happy, and silly and have fun. Today in the kitchen I spontaneously broke into dance along with the song, and my son Sam was like "Mom, you are a lunatic!"

When I start to feel so in love with life, I feel like I want to wrap my arms around the world. There are so many people I adore. Each person I think about and I feel such gratitude at the kindness they showed me just in being there at whatever time in my life they were there, and for continuing to be there over the many years. My Aussie friends: Jenny who invited me to Mon Repos to help with nesting sea turtles, an experience which changed my life (I fell in love with those creatures), and who thought I had some kind of something special. Creative Rin who loved frogs and brought me to a frog frenzy (who knew there was such a thing) and pushed me around the parking lot in a grocery cart and we caught all kinds of mammals, reptiles, birds and other creatures together. Michelle & Nancy the rat crew. Kathryn "Chip" I remember laughter. My earliest friend I still keep in touch with - Elissa who in 7th grade TPd houses with me and yet we still relate to one another so well. Daline words can't say enough how much you mean to me. Celeta the first woman who saw how precocious I was and treated me like a human rather than a child, who took the time to teach me to crochet, knit, bake bread, garden, make homemade tea from dried mint leaves, make huckleberry jam, and taught me about the birds and the bees. Mom and Dad you gave me life, faith, integrity, Skip you put up with me being a total pain in the a** and still think I'm cool. Kim, Kelli and Suzanne we had so much fun in high school, such a tumultuous and intense time in our lives. You are soul mates. Oh wow there are so many more people I can't list them all! Paige, Jen, Diane, Janie, Johane, Laurie Price, Laurie Wildman (you crack me up girl!!), Nedaro, Matt, Rhonda, Ruthanne, Stormy, Theresa, Zofia, Wendi, Sus, Susan my very cool cleaning woman who I can't afford anymore, Gia, Elizabeth, Gail, Amanda, Ginger, Miriam, Holly and Ross, Jeff, Mary Anne, David D, David and Tracey, Heather, Jennifer L (the other J Lo), Lazer my brother who sells sticks, aunt Linda, Shannon, Alisha, Sonia, Clea, David, Sara. All my writer buds new and old: Sharon, Melissa, Sheri, Jennifer(s), Kristi, Loriee, Lisa, Miranda, Dana, Hilda, John, Peggy, Cornelia, Vyv. And those friends who have touched my soul lately - Bill, Todd, Dale, Robert, Brandt, weird why are they all men. LOL. I think you are all peaches. :o) Then there are all the very cool people I work with in the community but you will have to remain unnamed.

I feel like jumping up and down (I do that sometimes, its fun you should try it). I'm in the kind of mood where I'd like to go outside naked under the stars, if I was with someone I loved. (PS Do not do these two activities at the same time).

I will also say when you have this many great cool friends and you encounter people being shits, its pretty obvious. When I was in 5th grade I bought this notepaper that had quotes from people on it. One was a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson and it was the one I did not understand. It said something like "I have learned to be with those I like is enough." It made absolutely no sense to me. But now I get it very well. I agree with it, and I live my life by it. I like most people - but I don't like pettiness, pomp, pretentiousness, and prejudice. I don't like jealousy, greed, selfishness and turning a blind eye to one's weakness. I worry about the sheep-like nature of people and I don't like when people shut others out. I really love real people, and when I find them I think the world of them. You are all so dear to me. Big hugs!!!!!

2 comments:

David said...

Hi, You have a really interesting blog. I clicked on your link from your posts on Eco-log, and low and behold you are a blogger like me. I find it intersting how you reconsile evolution with your faith; something I've been struggling with. Anyway, if you feel like corresponding, I'd be up for it. I'm a Ph.D. student in the Biology Dept. at UT Arlington. You can find more about me by clicking on my profile. I have two blogs, one about my life and one that is mostly photos of places I've been or wish to visit.
Cheers,
David

kaz said...

Wendee,

This is Kaz from Tokyo, Japan. It was the title, `outside the boz and inside my heart', that took me into your blog.

I came back to Japan at the end of last year from San Frnacisco with BFA in cinema. And yet, I've had still no job. Well, how the hell does it happen? I don't know. I really don't know. It seems as if I completely lost my anchor to hold of my life.

During such period in life, things don't go well. As my favorite author, Paul Auster, says, "a man acts as if his shit doesn't smell", which is the impression I have by people around me. And yet, reality remains still and truthful; everything has to do with me, not with people around me.

Being honest, it's not easy now for me to correspond what you write on your wonderful friends. But, one day I'm really hoping that such time will come, and I will start jumping up and down as much as you do!!!

Cheers.

Kaz