Wednesday, August 27, 2008

back in the US

Bamboo, Nepal
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

"Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces trying to close the gaps of the past."
– Chris McCandless from Into the Wild

That quote is from the movie (and book) Into the Wild. It's a true story, and I think the guy the book is based on, Chris McCandless, actually said that. I didn't want to watch the movie because I'd read the book and knew the ending, which (spoiler alert!) is sad. However Rin had it and I'm glad I did watch it. It was well put together and poetic and artistic and had some interesting things to say. That quote spoke to me, given some of my recent past blogs. This is the dance of intimacy - one fears too much time, too much closeness, smothering and the other feels they don't deserve love and feels needy, and they dance and they move forward and back up, and run or walk away into the quiet, into empty spaces. Its the dance of the minimizer and maximizer, push and pull, the desire for intimacy and the fear of it. The quiet empty spaces may sometimes be lonely but they are are at least understandable to oneself, quiet, simple, peaceful. I'm trying to not let fear and the hatred of uncertainity run my life. But it's not always so easy.

I'm back home, finally... it seems like I was away forever. I am glad to be home. I am so glad to get the warm wonderful hugs from my kids! I was a bit worried about jetlag because I did not sleep a wink on the plane from Australia to LA though I "rested" - I just could not fall asleep. I slept maybe an hour from LA to Houston, then was up at 1230am and wide awake. So I took a melatonin and went to sleep and woke at 6am! I'm a bit tired today but not too bad.

Not much else going on. Just gotta get back to work on my book chapter, if I can wake up!

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