Thursday, August 07, 2008

decisions

I am in the Brisbane airport, waiting. I was really impressed with the Museum of Tolerance. It was very interactive and powerful. We heard a Holocaust Survivor who was at Auschwitz speak (I can't remember her name but will look it up and post later) and I really loved the Holocaust exhibit. It was very emotional. You get a credit card sized plastic card with a person's name on it that was an actual person who lives in Europe during that time and then you get a little info about them at the beginning. At the end of the exhibit you find out whether that person lived or died. Mine died as her mother watched her go into the gas chamber. I started crying when I found out. It was very moving, the whole thing. If you're ever in L.A. I highly recommend this museum!

Anyway so I was thinking the other day about how I always say that I don't like making decisions, particularly when they involve other people, but also just my own decisions. I have often said that it probably stems from being forced to choose between parents when I was 8 years old in my custody trial. But while I was in L.A. I had a sort of eureka moment. I realized that of the few guys I've dated in the years since my divorce, with the exception of one, I was the one who broke up with each of them. What I do though is second guess my decision. There's always the desire to have someone say, no please I'll do anything, please don't leave... but that's not been my experience and then I end up sad and feeling sort of betrayed. Which is ironic since I'm the one who wanted to leave the situation or relationship in the first place.

But what I just realized was the in every situation leaving was the right thing to do, and it was a good healthy decision for me and my life. I didn't "stay" too long in the relationship (which makes leaving even harder because we are creatures of habit). So I got to thinking that maybe I am actually good at making decisions. The decision I made to live with my dad was a good one, and the judge empowered me as a young child by listening to my opinion on where I wanted to live. Anyway so this was just interesting for me because I think it will help me trust in my instincts and not second guess myself so much.

1 comment:

Brian Shmaefsky said...

Hey Wendee:

Great introspection. Hope the trip is going well; writer's block here.