40 Days to Freedom!

Do you have Cooties! My Inner Mean Girl does!
Photo Copyright (c) 2009 Wendee Holtcamp

I kicked off the (FREE!) Inner Mean Girl Cleanse this week with an amazing call with SARK - aka Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy, author of Succulent Wild Woman and many other books. I've always loved SARK's free-spirited style and joie de vivre while still being very real and honest with the challenges she has faced. I learned of the Inner Mean Girl cleanse from SARK's eNewsletter, which I subscribe to (you can subscribe here - click on eletter).

A few things about the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse:

• It's an online, interactive program put together by two authors and life coaches, Christine Arylo - Inspirational Catalyst and Queen of Self-Love - and Amy Ahlers - the Wake-up Call Coach.
  
  
• The Inner Mean Girl is the inner critic that we women hear inside our heads (sometimes we have more than one). It's not about being mean to others, but how hard we are on ourselves, and learning to turn it into a superhero ally!
  
  
• It runs for 40 days. Even if you missed the first week, you can sign up anytime here. Each week the focus is on a different issue that we all deal with. Over 6,000 people are signed up and doing this simultaneously and you can join too!
  
  
• I signed up as a Self-Love Ambassador and will be blogging each week about the issue at hand.
  
  
• After the 40 Day Cleanse is over, they are offering Inner Mean Girl Reform School which is a paid online course. So if you like what you experience during the free program, you can sign up! (and if you do it from here, I get a referral commission). :)

The cleanse kicked off with a call in through MaestroConference- a conference calling system. I have never done anything like this, and it was really cool! At a certain time, I called in and Amy, Christine, and SARK were all talking to us. After a few minutes, they broke us into sub-groups where each person (of several hundred calling in) could say their name and the one thing that came to mind about what we are most hard on ourselves about. I said "relationships" since that was what I'd been struggling over lately. Then SARK talked about how to 3 steps in turning our Inner Mean Girl from an enemy to an ally. They are:

• Awareness. The first step is becoming aware of the "Inner Mean Girl" - and you may have more than one! We are encouraged to draw them, which I did. I actually have two so far. They're not very nice!
  
  
• Attention. Give the Inner Mean Girl some attention by journaling and listing out the kinds of things that are said. In the Artist's Way, Julia Cameron calls these "blurts."
  
  
• Allowing. Reassure yourself that you are whole.

After the hour-long chat by SARK, Amy and Christine they broke us into groups of three and we were able to introduce ourselves and chat about the call and the issues we're facing. All three of us had similar challenges, so it was really serendipitous! (After the fact I wondered if they didn't match people up by the concern stated at the beginning of the call - but regardless, it was really fantastic to share with other women going through similar things). We exchanged emails even and I hope to keep in touch!

Each week there is a new topic, and the first week's topic is Gossip. I have never been a gossip or considered myself in that capacity but I already have had an epiphany about it, which I'll share in my next post!

Did you judge Ines Sainz?

Cowboys near Balmorhea, Texas. Copyright (c) 2010 Wendee Holtcamp

I returned from an amazing trip to West Texas on Tuesday evening, and have been going great guns since. I finally downloaded and edited all my photos and will post them soon. One disadvantage to shooting in RAW - which I only recently discovered that I could even do on my handy Canon Rebel Digital SLR (thank God for kids who are smarter than their parents) - is that it takes more time to convert and edit. At any rate, I got some fantastic shots!

This week's Inner Mean Girl Challenge was to Stop Judging Yourself - and everyone else. So ask yourself these questions:

1. What do you beat yourself up about the most?
   
2. Who do you judge the most?

Hmm. So I have to say, as a woman in the modern world surrounded by beautiful celebs on magazine covers, I am guilty. I beat myself most up about my body image (see perfectionist post...that tricky little inner demon-girl applies to everything doesn't it?!). I love to work out, truly I do, but I hate my imperfections. And it's truly hard to 'go easy on oneself' in this plastic surgery and fake boob-obsessed culture, really it is. I'm generally pretty happy with my body and how healthy I am as a 40-year old (gulp) but still! So there ya go. I'm sure I'm not alone.

Any ladies out there hear me? So let's kick that inner-mean-girl-byotch to the curb, and love our bodies for all the amazing things they do for us no matter what size or shape!! Truth be told, I have gotten way better about this in recent years. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that when I was a teenager I suffered from MAJOR body issues. Lots of sad, deep stuff there, but I used to cake on makeup and literally could not bear to look at myself in the mirror without it. I would spend 15 minutes to put on makeup before just hopping over the fence in my parent's backyard to go buy a pack of cigarettes (and no I do not smoke anymore - thank God - gave it up when I turned 20 and never looked back). But... it took going to Australia with all the "au natural" students to force me by peer pressure to give up makeup. I wear some now, but I went many years wearing none. I found my inner beauty, and realized my outer beauty as well (I really thought I was hideous! Go figure).

This week's topic also reminds me of the whole Ines Sainz NFL harassment issue. It really got me mad to read about other women judging her. So here's a piece of my mind: if you judged her for wearing tight pants, or thought to yourself or said to someone else (whether you're a guy or a girl) "She brought it on herself" - Shame on you! No woman ever brings sexual harassment or rape on herself (not that rape was involved in this case, but that same argument sadly gets extended to rape). I don't care that she wore painted-on jeans, and is "bootylicious" as Rush Limbaugh said. Good for her!

First, we should not judge the situation (what she did, or may have done) from what we really cannot know - we weren't there. The fact that it wasn't even her bringing the charges speaks volumes. But why are women so catty to one another? Ines wrote an essay saying the women reporters who came down hard on her, saying she always dresses "inappropriately" etc, set women's rights back 50 years. That may be a bit of a stretch, but the point she makes is right on. Women can be very jealous of one another, and want to scratch one another's metaphorical eyes out (reminding me of the first week's Inner Mean Girl call with Susan Shapiro Barash- the author of the book, "Tripping the Prom Queen" - in my post "do I gossip?" - but also week 2's topic of "Comparison").

Why do ladies do this to one another? I have to say I really am not this way. I love women, and applaud their successes - whether physical beauty (which comes from a lot of hard work), or success in work. And I honestly try to see the best in others, even when they "mess up" and do something I would otherwise judge as appalling. Well, if you have not walked in their shoes, don't judge - or at least lift it up in prayer rather than spread it as gossip. The Bible never says not to judge at all, it says to be righteous judges. We can be discerning and make decisions on who to let in our lives, or our children's lives - and yes, there are certainly people we will encounter who will fit in this category. But to judge one another's walk of faith, or to judge someone who we've never met and a situation which we know very little about, in truth, is not righteous judgment.

I love my many, diverse, amazing girlfriends, and I love the accomplishments of women in general - and unless you've shunned ME in some form or another for some reason which you never told me about anyway, I probably love you and think you're the greatest. So let's all turn a corner here, and encourage and support one another - whether you know the woman or you see her from afar - instead of judging and attacking. You won't ever know the full story for most of these situations. With Ines Sainz - the topic actually relates to next's week's IMG challenge, to give up negative media. Though I tend to think of FOX News... it also relates to reading anything related to celebrity gossip and the like.

I could go on more about how hard I've been on myself since the cancellation of my book contract, and some other setbacks in the writing world, but for now, I'll keep this to the topic of beauty and body image, because I know so many women deal with this. Until next time... and if you're at all intrigued by these posts and thoughts, please consider the Inner Mean Girl Reform School! (On a side note, I'm so excited that I won a free 12-week Goal Setting course with Amy Ahlers - the Wake Up Call Coach. I'm going to start once I get back from Oregon and Montana!

Do you have an inner comparison Queen?

Nazca boobies in the Galapagos Islands.
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.
- Sylvia Plath

Welcome to week two of the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse! So this past week of the cleanse - which runs from Wednesday through Wednesday - focused on comparison.

The weekly email started with these sage truisms about our inner comparison queens, "One day she's wielding her Inferiority Complex, comparing your worst to everyone's best. Making you feel small, inadequate and like you're a failure. And the next, she's in her Superiority Complex, giving you the illusion that you're better than everyone else. Making you feel alone, distant, and cut off from compassion and humanity."

Some questions you can ask yourself while becoming aware of this tendency are:
* In what situations does your comparison queen show up?
* Do you see more of the Inferiority Complex or the Superiority Complex?
* What does your inner wisdom know about comparison?

As I reflected on these issues in my own life, I found that I have a fierce tendency to compare myself to my past self, especially with my body. Who hasn't thought of what it would be like to be 'high school skinny'? I'm a 40-year old woman who has had two kids, blessedly has no stretch marks, works out several times a week, eats healthy and yet sometimes I kill myself mentally over my imperfections. I really don't find myself comparing myself to other women's bodies, other than sometimes wishing I had this or that for myself. I tend to think 'Good for them for working hard to look beautiful and stay healthy'! But I'm hardest on myself. I also find in my career, if the words aren't flowing, or I don't feel inspired or my writing doesn't read as well or with my unique voice, I compare my writing against my own better articles. And I think my inner wisdom knows that I need to stop it! :) I have a bad tendency to be perfectionist, and that can create all sorts of mental circles and loops I have to circumnavigate before I can be satisfied. I'm trying to just let go, and do my best.

The other area I have a tendency to compare myself to others is financial. On one hand, I’m doing very well in comparison to the vast majority of the world. I know this, and I’ve seen the worst of the worst conditions - glue-sniffing street urchins in Nepal, bedraggled kids begging in Peru. But living in suburbia where most of the women my age are married and stay-at-home moms that don’t work, I sometime envy their lifestyle and I am ashamed to admit it comes out as a Superiority complex at times. I am proud of my career, and how hard I work, and my superiority is really a sort of envy over how easy they have it to have things given to them from their spouses. I found that I even find myself thinking this about my ex-husband in terms of - how stupid was I to leave the stability of having someone paying and helping me out, when now I have to work doubletime to get half the money. Though... of course the story of my long marriage and divorce is far more complex than that. I have to believe that I am where God wants me, so long as I turn my face to Him, seeking Him, looking inward and not comparing myself to others who I have no business comparing myself to (or even my past self!)

When I really look at the situation head on with clear vision, I do truly feel abundantly blessed. God has always provided, even through the times I’ve worried where the next paycheck will come from. Truly, God is good. I have an awesome home, and I love my career even though it is a struggle at times (whose isn’t?). I am trying to turn that comparison focus into focusing on Appreciation, Inspiration and Gratitude - the three actions encouraged by Christine and Amy of the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse. If I feel envy, then I can think positive thoughts about the other person and allow them to inspire me to create an even better situation for myself. Gratitude refocuses my thoughts on the blessings already present in my own life. It calls to mind one of my favorite Bible verses:

[W]hatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. -Philippians 4:8

The Inner Mean Girl Cleanse challenged us this week to think about what area we are rich in, “What is overflowing in your life?” and as I thought about the question my answer was very clear: friendship. I have so many friends, men and women, who are so kind, generous, fun, inspiring people and they live all over the world! That means when I travel I usually get to connect with people and share lunch or coffee or a hike in the forest, or a couple weeks stay sometimes. And then my friends here in Houston are just a truly amazing group of people also! So if I feel a lack in one area, I refocus my mind to the blessings.

Affirmation of the Week: "I am inspired. I easily appreciate myself and others. I am Grateful!"

percolating ideas

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
Copyright (c) 2010 Wendee Holtcamp

My mind has been ripe with ideas lately. I always find that when I'm engaged in various activities, reading books, doing bible studies or other spiritual practices that it really energizes my soul and spirit and makes me feel more alive and more creative (something that sort of had died down over the past couple years). As I mentioned, I've been doing the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse and I've started re-reading The Artist's Way and doing some of the exercises within, including journaling every morning (the author, Julia Cameron, calls them morning pages).

Today I started the Beth Moore Bible study at my church, Living Beyond Yourself, which is on the Holy Spirit and specifically on the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control). I was actually present when Beth filmed the video series back in 2003 so this is my second time doing the study. That was the year in which I separated from my ex, so... it's somewhat poignant being here in the same study in a completely different place. And hey I just realized you can do the study online - check out the link above, if you're interested.

I wanted to share visually some of the things that have been percolating in my mind and heart. Some of which are edible! I make these absolutely delicious protein fruit smoothies. The other day I made one I decided to name Blackberry Bliss. I use frozen fruit, whey protein powder (yum! Much better than rice protein powder which I've used before too), Almond Milk, and (sometimes) yogurt. I don't even use ice because the frozen fruit does the trick. Mango MAKES the smoothie - of any flavor. There's something about their consistency that really makes a smoothie, well, smooth. :)
One of my "ideas" - and it's not really that new but within the past year or so - is that I really would love to open a healthy eatery someday... and I would definitely serve these. I make a variety of flavors, depending on what is in my freezer, but I came up with names the other day for what I'd sell: Succulent Strawberry, Blackberry Bliss, Mango Madness...
This is the second time I've made this Spicy Tofu Lettuce Wraps recipe and it's soooo delish. I used curly leaf lettuce and I highly recommend something more substantial because they don't stay together very well this way. You can also see the awesome salad spinner I got for Christmas this year and which I love! Sam likes to spin it too... it's like a spinnie toy I guess! Anyway the recipe is from Vegetarian Times magazine, and the ingredients are:

Filling
2 tsp. vegetable oil
1 medium onion, chopped (1 1/2 cups)
1 Tbs. minced fresh ginger
1 Tbs. minced lemongrass
2 cloves garlic, minced (2 tsp.)
1 lb. extra-firm tofu, crumbled
1 8-oz. can water chestnuts, drained and chopped
4 Tbs. low-sodium soy sauce
4 Tbs. hoisin sauce
1 to 2 tsp. vegetarian chile sauce, such as vegetarian sriracha
16 butter lettuce or iceberg lettuce leaves

Garnishes
1 large carrot, peeled and grated
1/2 cup chopped green onions
1/2 cup chopped fresh mint
1/2 cup finely chopped peanuts
Hoisin and chile sauces

* I modified it by using leeks instead of onions this time because that's what I happened to have. It was great! It was good with the onion last time too. I also used 4 instead of 2 garlic cloves (you can never use too much garlic, in my opinion!), 2 instead of 4 Tbsp of soy sauce (I actually use Bragg's liquid aminos which is kind of the same thing flavor-wise, but it's definitely not low-sodium). I had some dried lemongrass rather than fresh and that worked fine too. It's really simple to make:

Directions
1. To make Filling: Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat. Add onion, ginger, lemongrass, and garlic, and cook 7 to 10 minutes, or until onions are soft and beginning to brown. Add tofu and water chestnuts, breaking tofu into small crumbles; cook 4 minutes, or until heated through. Stir in soy sauce, hoisin sauce, and chile sauce. Transfer to serving bowl.

2. Place lettuce leaves on platter, and set out garnishes in small serving bowls. Wrap tofu mixture in lettuce leaves, and top with your choice of garnishes.

Another thought process coming out of all this idea-ripening is that I may start another blog just focusing on healthy eating, cooking, healthy lifestyle stuff. What should I call it? I have to have Bohemian in the title I think. The Healthy Bohemian? I will have to see if my talented daughter can help me design a blog template. She is so incredibly amazing in that department. She's redesigned her own blog about 10 times and I love them all! She's a super talented photographer, and good with the graphics design programs, is in photojournalism and yearbook in high school and well I just can't say enough good things about her. And she has an incredible passion for orphans around the world. And I have to mention my super-smart son who just started high school and who turns 14 this weekend - wow!! They grow up so fast! I love them both to pieces.
I have tweeted about Stone Soup before, but this is a photo when all the fresh ingredients are just starting to cook. I call it that because of the popular children's book but it's the recipe I use coming off the Master Cleanse, and I make it now and then because it's super healthy and yummy too. I just throw in whatever I happen to have in my freezer or fresh produce drawer at the time - usually things like frozen butter beans, corn, celery, okra, spinach, tomatoes (or salsa), leeks, onions, and then I add in quinoa, millet and/or rice, as well as lots of curry and turmeric and a touch of cayenne pepper and salt. So there ya go. Throw it in the crockpot and let it cook for 24 hours.
Today, I was at Target shopping for my son's birthday present and I came across this towel which was on Clearance. I needed a new towel for my bathroom because I have a white one I got last year and well that didn't work so well, with makeup and such getting wiped on it... It's amazing how very simple changes can make a corner of your bathroom look so much happier! OK I'm easily delighted, what can I say.
My last pic of the day is my blank Vision Board... obviously it's just a corkboard now. But I have been wanting to make a Vision Board for along time and the time is now! I got this out of my closet and bought some thumbtacks today (all the ones I have are used up on my map of the world - I put tacks in the places I want to go, and the places I've already been). My talented and inspiring friend Jessica - who owns the clothing/shoe manufacturing company Joyfolie - was talking about her Vision Board and it inspired me to start my own, finally! I hope to blog again tomorrow or Tuesday about the totally inspiring and helpful live Inner Mean Girl Reform School Open House tele-call from Saturday. They're offering another one Wednesday - so whether or not you've signed up for the free Inner Mean Girl Cleanse, you can call in for this and get some good nuggets of wisdom!

Do I gossip?

Irises I bought my daughter Savannah this weekend
Copyright (c) 2010 Wendee Holtcamp

As I mentioned, I'm participating in the online 40-day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse, and what that means is that for 40 days there will be weekly hour-long talks by 6 different authors/speakers on 6 different focal areas - plus journaling and paying attention to that particular issue in our life (and as one of the 'Self-Love Ambassadors' I'll be blogging weekly about my experiences). The overall goal is to stop our inner critic and turn it into a voice that will help us. And to stop self-sabotaging behaviors. As I mentioned, the opening call was with SARK - the original Succulent Wild Woman, and someone who I've loved for a long time (her email newsletters are how I of the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse). But the first week's actual topic is gossip, and the guest speaker is Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Tripping the Prom Queen and Toxic Friendships.

I have never been one to gossip about people. It's just not what I do. I adore my friends, and generally most things roll right off me. I just don't have anything bad to say about any of them 99.9% of the time! However, after reading a blog post by Christine Arylo (one of the coaches behind the IMG Cleanse) called "You May be a Gossip And Not Even Know It!" it challenged me to think beyond the obvious type of gossip to other times we may talk about someone to another, holding the thought in mind: Would I feel bad saying this if they could hear me or if they were in the room?

And I realized that the person I would often talk to my girlfriends about was... the guy in my relationship (or sometimes my mom). I would call my girlfriends and vent over some frustration, and was this actually helpful? Could it be- gasp - gossip? So, even though that particular relationship is now over, I had an aha moment in this realization that I need to take forward in my life. Don't get me wrong, everyone needs a close confidante to share deep issues with but I have several close girlfriends, and I would vent or discuss the issues at hand with any number of them. So... I realize now that this is probably not so productive. In retrospect I also see that I should have been out of the relationship many months ago but I have a tendency to hope against hope, and believe in the things I want to see at the expense of the obvious.

About the whole concept of "Tripping the Prom Queen" - I haven't read the book but the call was quite interesting. As an adult I have many super close girlfriends and I love them to pieces. However, I recently had one of those experiences where some women (woman?) treated me in that manner, and I was sort of the victim of this "tripping." It was not pleasant to say the least. However there were some life lessons there, as always. Still processing it all, to be honest. Maybe I will blog about it sometime - in ten years? :)

I had a productive weekend! As I mentioned before, I'm trying to get my house in tip-top shape so I can sell immediately if the need should arise. So my kids and I worked on the yard - besides mowing and edging, we put out some new bark mulch around the trees in my front yard. Sam helped me put the towel rack back on the wall, as it had fallen off (involved drilling a new hole in the wall, putting in an anchor etc). We also painted two walls in the kitchen. One section we just did the same white as most of the walls, and another we created a mustard yellow accent wall only the color turned out to be a bit more greenish-yellow than I realized and I'm not sure I love it. Oh well, it is going to have to do! In my living room adjacent to the kitchen the walls are brick red, which I love, and I have mustard yellow drapes, so I was hoping the kitchen wall brought it all together. I think it all looks ok. But I feel good about what we accomplished. And I went for a run today! Below are a few photos. Ugh looking at them makes me want to repaint the wall. It really is too greenish for my taste. I may have to get some more paint and paint over it... Sigh.
Before painting - I had stripped the border off the top, so the wall had some staining where the border used to be. I actually started taking the border off in the kitchen about 4 years ago... and it was tougher than I realized so I left it sort of half-stripped off this one wall (you can see the border on the wall next to it - I left it around the rest of the kitchen). It's taken me this long to motivate myself to actually paint the one wall and fix the problem I created by attempting to take the border off. So I'm very happy to have accomplished this!
Here's the finished product. It looks better when you can see the wood floors (which I love!) which set it off and accent it better than it looks in this shot. It looks even greener in the photo to me than it does. So I'll give it a couple days and see if it grows on me.

Just Do it! But Only from Love

Lavender at Green Gulch Organic Farm, Muir Beach, CA.
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

And giving over this, my journey Lord
I see nothing but Your face
- Christy Nockels, Choose.

This week's Inner Mean Girl Cleanse "Dare" was to face-down our Inner Obligation Queen - to not take on tasks or do things that we really don't want to do. If you do it, do it from love. We were asked by Christine and Amy in the weekly newsletter to 1. Say No and 2. Act from a place of service to what and who is truly important to you.

Sometimes it's something that you really don't have much choice over - perhaps taking care of an elderly parent, or cooking dinner for the kids, or whatever the case may be - the dare is to shift your inner attitude from negative vibes associated with "I have to" or "I should" to the awareness - first that almost everything we have and do stems ultimately from choices we have made, and two, we can shift the negative vibe that goes with obligation to gratitude by realizing most of these obligations are actually a great privilege. Those responsibilities we have, we should offer our actions out of love. So simple, yet so powerful. I LOVE the concept!

I have to be honest - I know a LOT of women struggle with this, but me? Not so much. I usually don't do things I don't want to do, and I truly enjoy most of the things I choose to do. I have always (until recently!) kept my kids in only one activity at a time, so for the most part so neither I nor they wear ourselves into the ground. I like to choose activities I know I can fully commit to, and I am very good with follow-through. If I start a 10-week bible study, you can be pretty sure if I'm in town I will be there every week and I will have done my homework. And I actually love doing things for my kids. I get super busy and don't cook every night but I actually love to cook, and enjoy simple things like making them their lunches for the next day (they may not realize this, but I do!). I like keeping my house clean and tidied up -it gives me pleasure and joy! So I'm a bit odd, what can I say.

Wow! Funny how this happens!! As I'm writing this right now, I literally just realized HOW true it was that I stayed in my 20-month relationship out of obligation rather than truly believing it was the right thing! Wow! Why did I compromise my principle there, when I don't for so many other things? Hmm. Ah-ha moment happening right now!!

But I digress... What I had intended to mention was the one thing that did come up and I did take the Dare head-on. I didn't have my kids this weekend, and as much as I adore my kids and having them around and their fun, boisterous energy, I also really enjoy and cherish my alone weekends. I work, I exercise, I talk with friends, and I rest. So when Sunday came, I felt "I really SHOULD go to church." As soon as I thought "should" I went A-Ha! I realized... No. I. do. not. To be honest, I have been struggling over whether my soul can really worship as well in the church I currently attend. I LOVE the bible studies and programs I'm engaged in there, but the service kind of bores me. I like the music most of the time, but I start looking around the pews at who is there, and not focusing on worshipping. So I may start to church-hop sometimes soon but I decided to stay home this past Sunday. It was very freeing! (But again I have to admit it wasn't the first time I've skipped church).

I did know that I had a bible study I was starting that evening and so would have another way to worship through learning. It's a Beth Moore Living Beyond Yourself (LBY) study that just started this week. I was present when she recorded the series downtown at Lakewood church and she is sooooo amazing and Spirit-filled and she inspires me to be a better person. And the weirdest part is that it was 2003 when I did this study, and that was right before I moved out from my marriage... so it is going to be somewhat poignant for that reason. How far I have come, and how much my Spirit has grown!

It's funny that I blogged just 2 days ago but so many things have already happened since then. I had a fantabulous weekend. Friday my friend Elise and I went to spin class, and then she came over and she made me a vodka sour and we watched the movie CityIsland and talked through half of it! Saturday I had the Inner Mean Girl Reform School Open House telecall - which was awesome and there were some real gems. I'll blog about them in a future post. You can listen on Wednesday (even if you're not signed up for the Cleanse) - it's a 90-minute call at 8pm EST and it's free. If you can't make it at that time still sign up as they'll send you an mp3 of the call if you miss it.

I had a powerful experience yesterday where I felt the overwhelming presence of the Lord, where I had no choice but to fall down on my knees and cry tears of joy. I know it sounds a bit whack to write or read that, and I have to say that this was a new one for me. It was absolutely profound, and there are really no words to describe it, but I will say I have had a real sense of joy in my Spirit over the past few weeks and am feeling alive and excited and spacious about so many things. And then this morning, I was doing my daily LBY bible study workbook, and right in front of my eyes was a lesson that made me realize that something I was so absolutely sure I was right about, I wasn't. What happened, the thing I didn't like at all, it turns out the Lord told me plain as day (though the study) this 'thing' was His will! Cuz God is just cool like that. :) Below is a slideshow Youtube video of the song I was worshipping to at home when the moment happened - may the song bless you as much as it has me!

Ditch your inner perfectionist!

The sky in West Texas is almost always gorgeous. The sky is actually this color, not enhanced by anything! Just deep sky blue, and a smattering of clouds. Copyright (c) 2010 Wendee Holtcamp

A perfectionist? Who me?

Last week's challenge for the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse was a big one for me. Christine & Amy challenged everyone to ditch our inner perfectionists and ahievement junkie. Whoa nelly, this is a big one for me. I can be a Perfectionist with a capital P! Truth be told I consider myself a recovering Type A personality - some of my perfectionism has started to wane. But it's definitely still there, and it manifests in my work (usually a good thing), and sometimes in my parenting and relationships (not so good). The week this email came was the absolute worst one for this challenge for me. Continue reading.

Our Antidote to perfectionism was supposed to be...

1) Under promise. Over deliver.

2) Go for the C. Give 80% instead of 100%. (the reasoning is that for most perfectionists, our C is most people's As!)

So my worst week situ with this challenge: I had a deadline for an article, and of course I can't "Go for the C" with my career! I also had a trip planned to West Texas, and had already waited until the last minute to plan everything. There ya go, maybe that IS my "C." I've been working at breakneck speed the last few months. I have had deadline on top of deadline, week after week, and truth be told I do not work best in that kind of situation. I like deadlines, and even work pretty well under stress generally, but when it's one on top of another with NO break whatsoever I feel like my creativity suffers. As I mentioned before, I like to be able to write something, and let it sit for a few days. With quick deadlines I don't have that luxury.

Interestingly though, I feel like this IMG cleanse is really helping my creativity. Despite my busyness, taking both my morning meditation-prayer-journaling time, and the time to do the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse to work through thoughts and issues, means I've had a lot of insights, and have been in a really good place generally lately. Lots of joy, peace, gratitude and contentedness with life in general and how it's going. Sure, there are day to day stressors, and issues that come up but I just feel happier and more abundant than I have in a while!

What I think I'm realizing is that I need to make sure to keep the balance in my life between work and play. I have a tendency to get overloaded on the work end of things (though I have to say, much of my work - especially the traveling part - is pure joy!). So here's to slowing down, being deliberate in what choices and assignments I take on, and spacing out deadlines a bit more.

I am listening to the audiobook of "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey while in my car and I don't consider it chance that I heard this part of the audiobook right during this week of the IMG Cleanse related to Perfectionism and Overachievement. Covey talks about a quadrant dividing out life's activities based on two criteria: Urgency and Importance. There are items that are urgent & important, urgent & unimportant, not urgent and important, and not urgent and not important. Importance is defined by items in line with your personal mission statement (which can include work related items, family, personal growth) and is of course different for each person.

Covey says we need to spend most of our time in Quadrant 2 activities so we're not driven by the tyranny of the urgent. If we devote more time to Quadrant 2 activities, Quadrant 1 (urgent, important) will diminish because one of the most important Quadrant 2 activities is planning! Other Quadrant 2 activities are developing professional knowledge, implementing systems, and relationship building (so while someone might initially think that talking to a friend, or developing relationships in bible study or even business meetings are unimportant, to the extent you are building relationships, they are very important. Of course, some meetings are totally useless... it all depends on the situation.

I am lucky in that I don't have to sit through a bunch of boring, ineffective business meetings but I have found that sometimes meeting one-on-one is actually an incredibly important means to move a project forward, and to establish trust and emotional bonds between co-workers. I think this is why I make meeting with folks I know and like such a high priority in my travels around the world - whether friends or colleagues. I really like people, and especially the people I like. ;)

I think that I need to become better organized, and spend less time in brain-numb-time-waste activities, like Facebook. As much as I LOVE social networking on Facebook, I need to manage my work time more effectively. So that's my goal. I think that by using my time more wisely, I will spend more time able to let go of the details a bit more.

On another note, I actually did take the advice of "go for the C" in my West Texas travels (mostly due to not enough time to plan more), and we had all kinds of humorous misadventures as a result. It's all good though - everything worked out just fine! With a little prayer and some backup plans in the pocket, we had a total blast despite a rental car breakdown and inability to get a hold of two hotels (get this - when it rains, the phones go down in West Tex - For Realz). A good choice of travel companion and lots of laughter are also key! Laurie is the best! I will post some photos and blog about our trip when I get a chance. I'm off to the store to shop for my son's birthday party this weekend!

And a tease of pics to come...

A herd of bighorn sheep on Elephant Mountain.
Self-portrait on Elephant Mountain. Having a blast!
Slippery steps... The spring pool at Balmorhea State Park that stays 72 degrees or something like that year-round.
Jumpin in!
This is some sort of very colorful turtle - blue head, red eyes, orange arms... I'm not sure what species. Anyone know?
Until next time...

Simple Pleasures!

Trekking in Eastern Nepal. Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step."
- Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.

It's been pretty darn busy around here since I returned from the Gulf of Mexico trip (remember, my nickname is Whirlwendee, after all)! First I had to write a feature, then I had to edit it some, then I had to work on another piece - which I have finished a draft of and am now letting it "gel." I like to have a week, or at least a few days, after writing my initial draft where I can set it aside, and not think about it. Then I come back to it, tweak it, and it always ends up the better for it. Sometimes I do not have that luxury, when I'm working right up to my deadline. So after stressing a bit over an approaching deadline, I was very happy that I finished a draft early so I can have the time to let it sit, and come back to it in a couple days. And meanwhile, I can catch up on my email that is ever-accumulating. I feel much more on top of things when I'm caught up on my email - don't you? I like to keep my inbox under 100. That means I sort and file a lot of emails, but still.

After almost 2 years, my boyfriend and I broke up. So... it's been a bit rough. We have gone back and forth, back and forth, gotten close, grown apart, spent time traveling (both for our respective work) and in the end, it just isn't working for either of us. Even though this is a cliche, it was sort of like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Really, we can't change our man. We can love someone, but after enough time you start to see that who they are, or how they behave towards you, can't be explained or justified by... unemployment, stress, etc etc. It's good to be able to see people we love at their "worst" because to make a long-term relationship move to a deeper level, we're eventually going to see that anyway. But when it's not pretty, and it drags you down too, that can't be a good sign of hope for a beautiful future.

I started reading The Artist's Way again, and this morning was sitting outside in my backyard and read about how we creatives are often attracted to "crazymakers" - sometimes relationship partners, sometimes friends, sometimes parents. I'm just sayin... sometimes we allow a relationship to steal away our creativity because we pour time, love, effort into that relationship instead of into nourishing our own spirit, soul, creativity. I love deeply and don't give up easily. I tried so hard. We even tried to break up before, but never could make it stick. I miss him. But I can't go back. Even though he's now doing things that are so wonderful for his life, making new friends, training for new jobs that contribute positively to the world. Not now. I wish him well, and will continue to be his friend.

So, I have made a commitment to nourish my creativity and to devote the next few years to making sure I have good relationships with my kids as they move into young adulthood. I only have 3 and 4 years left with the two of them, and it will fly by! I am going to look for workshops and such for things like parent-child communication, listening skills, and that kind of thing. So imagine my surprise and delight when just this very day I came across two very cool things that I am going to participate in online, and they're totally FREE! Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way talks about how when we step out in faith, serendipity intervenes and God puts these things in our path.

• The first thing is a 40-Day "Inner Mean Girl 40-Day Cleanse" - to get rid of the inner critic voice inside that drags us down. It's taught by 6 different relationship/life coaches, all online and all free! It begins on Wednesday, so sign up now if you're interested. There's also a free MP3 audio of the Mean Girl School Open House you can download here. I just did but haven't yet listened to it. The website says, "How to transform the critical voice in your head so you can stop being so hard on yourself, enjoy your life & feel truly successful!" I'll report back!
  
  
• The second is a teleclass "Get Close. Get Real" by Sharon Day - about connecting more deeply with your daughter. It's on Sep 7 at noon central time, and it's free. I think that she may be offering a longer teleworkshop after that which is not free, but I'm just doing the free one for now!

The cool thing is how this so closely ties into what I'm reading about in The Artist's Way. Ch. 1 actually talks about "blurts" which are things that our inner critic says when something positive happens. The goal is to replace them with positive affirmations.

On another note, finances have been really tough lately (over the past couple years, like many people) and another thing that was really stressing me was feeling like I was trapped in my home and would not be able to sell it if I needed to. I have a great little house and have kept it up well - other than the carpet which definitely needs some work due to my bulimic cat - but I had started and not finished some projects and knew I needed them done before I could even think about selling. I had always wanted Doug to come help me work on them, but since that's not going to happen now, I empowered myself by deciding that myself and the kids would do the work together. Basically I have to paint a wall, a bathroom, and a ceiling because I started to strip off wallpaper border I didn't like after I first moved in 5 years ago and quickly realized...this was not working. The border was stuck steadfast to the wall and my attempts to use DIF (the blue wallpaper glue loosener) only succeeded in turning my wall and ceiling blue. So...it had stayed that way for years! Sam spent last week taping up my wall, and then we got the rest of the border off, sanded down a couple parts of the wall, spackled in the holes, and am all ready to prime and paint. Yay us! Baby steps...

Today is a good day. I feel happy about my article, and about the two free online finds, and am about to go to Panera Bread and work catching up on emails. I finished a 12-day Master Cleanse and am truly enjoying the simple pleasures of drinking coffee, nibbling on ginger chocolate, eating homemade vegetable soup. I enjoy conversations with my friends, new and old, and am feeling spacious and open to what the universe holds for me in the next few years.

babies, goals, sisters, and the velvet elvis

My beautiful niece. New life is so precious! Copyright (c) 2011 Wendee Holtcamp

"When everything is answered, it's fake. The mystery is the truth."
-Sean Penn.

Methinks I need to blog more frequently because when so much time passes, I start to wonder where to even begin. Or shall I say, not too much is going on, yet everything is. Ah, life as paradox.

I just returned from a week-long visit to the small mountain town of Sisters in central Oregon, where I got to know my newborn niece and her mom. My brother was there too, for a brief moment of time. When I first saw my niece, I was scared to hold her, like I was going to drop or break her or something. It's funny how you forget how tiny newborns are, and how fragile. Yet human life is also so strong, so persistent, so tenacious. I did overcome my baby-breaking-fears and held her, of course, and oh how sweet she is! I'd never been to Sisters before, and - the few times the snow stopped and the sky cleared - the view right out the window was of the "three Sisters" which are three 10,000 mountain peaks in the Cascades. Early settlers dubbed the three sisters Faith, Hope, and Charity.

I didn't get out of the house much because I was helping my niece's mom out, but it was sure peaceful and beautiful. The neighborhood sets right next to Deschutes National Forest, and many tall, red-barked ponderosa pines rose tall from the layer of pure white that blanketed the area. We had several snowfalls during the time I was there. It was so lovely and beautiful! When I was a kid, I have many fond memories of camping on the Deschutes River with my dad and brother but that was a different part of Central Oregon.

While there, I made a couple visits into the quaint little town of Sisters, and especially fell in love with Angeline's Bakery, which has a lot of vegan and gluten-free items, and I discovered this utterly divine raw, vegan chocolate truffles made from raw cacao by Jem Raw Chocolates. They're only sold in Oregon, but if you can, check them out. Seriously amazing. And no one paid me to say that. They're just good! Oh wait, I think you can actually buy them online too!

What am I up to? Well, let's see. I'm working on this "Goal Setting Course" by The Wake-up Call Coach Amy Ahlers that I won during the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse I participated in. It's a 12-week course, where I get weekly emails that have exercises to identify wins and losses from the previous year, "process" the through journaling and such, and then create new visions and goals for the new year. I'm about 1/3 of the way through.

Even though I'm not at the goal-setting part yet, I have already set some pretty serious goals while thinking about my New Year's resolutions, and as far as writing/biz goes - one is to double my income, and write twice as many stories in 2011. That means, I will have to become doubly efficient! To that end, I installed a program on my computer that tracks where I spend my time, Rescuetime. It's pretty impressive and the results, illuminating! I have already discovered that I'm a fairly fast writer when I set down and do the writing, but I also tend to - on occasion - spend "too much" time on time-wasters like Facebook, Huffington Post, etc. It's been very insightful.

Overall, I am happy with how things are going so far this year. I've broken into three new markets (The Daily Climate, Climate Central and Miller-McCune magazine) from contacts I've made from the Society of Environmental Journalists conference, which is a good thing because the state of Texas' budget is not doing so hot. My daughter came home telling me how they had laid off many of the first-year teachers, and many extracurricular activities have been cut, and it will affect her JV soccer team. It is going to affect my writing for Texas Parks & Wildlife magazine. Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer because that is my bread and butter, and the editors there are awesome to me! I'm working on a query challenge with other members of Freelance Success, which is a fantastic writer's resource.

I have an article coming out this week on "The Big Chill: Why is the Bering Sea so Cold if the Earth is warming?" at Climate Central online, so stay tuned. If all goes as planned, I should have a piece in the next issue of Miller-McCune magazine, and I'm about to head to the coast next weekend with my awesome friend Cheryl, who I met at the Colorado Writing Away Retreat last year and hung out with again at last fall's SEJ conference! I'm working on two stories for Texas Parks & Wildlife mag. One is for the 10th annual water issue, and another is a "3 days in the field" travel piece. Those are always fun!

Last but not least, I am in love! I have discovered ... Rob Bell. He. Is. Amazing! I love Rob Bell. I love Rob Bell. I love Rob Bell! He wrote The Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith - see below - and also Sex God (I'd previously read some of this one, but the Velvet Elvis, which I just discovered, blows me all away in a whole different way), and is a pastor who founded Mars Hill Bible Church. I dunno, the guy's a freaking g.e.n.i.u.s. I just adore his writing, his open mind, his intellect. He says, for example, "Central to the Christian experience is the art of questioning God... naked, honest, raw, vulnerable questions." He also delves into a lot of Jewish cultural history from that time, and despite having studied a lot of this stuff through various Bible studies, he had completely novel insight for me, such as the meaning - in Jewish culture - of being yoked to a Rabbi, and of "binding and loosing" and other things that Jesus said; the meanings of the statements are still relevant but these cultural references lend so much more insight. Good stuff!

I love this design! They're having a hoodie giveaway but it ends tomorrow...
Dangerously spiky icicles. The three sisters in the distance - this is the view out of the window of the house I stayed at in Sisters, OR.
I bought this onesie for my niece that says "I love my auntie"
The three sisters mountains. The one on the right is actually two. The second peak is hidden behind the one in front.
My latest journal collage.

life moves on

This is at Eisenhower State Park. It was so cool!
Copyright (c) 2010 Wendee Holtcamp

Do you ever have those times in your life when you have so much to say, and so much overwhelming stuff going on that you don't know *what* to say? Now is one of those times for me. So that's why, I suppose, I haven't blogged that much. I feel strong and confident about my future and am resting in the Lord's grace and love (trying to feel His love is a challenge for me so I'm working on that).

Christmas was, well, Christmas. I did get to go to Chuck Swindoll's Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco, Texas on Christmas Eve! It was cool to see the man with his voice in person. The service was only 30 minutes long and all he and another guy on the stage did was to read the Christmas story interspersed with Christmas songs. It was not all that spectacular to me. I wanted to go to his service on the following Sunday, but that was not a great day... nuf said.

And then I went up to North Texas for a travel piece I'm doing on Lake Texoma. It was cold but fun! I stayed the first night at the Rancho Sereno Bed & Breakfast, which is run by a couple who raise reining horses. The Red River Valley area of Texas is like the world's headquarter's for raising and training horses for competitive events like reining, because of the sandy loam soil. I am not a big horse person myself, but it was really interesting, and a beautiful place to stay. The next two nights I got a tower room at Tanglewood Resort, a place that has been around since the 1940s! The tower is a 7-story "tower" and each room is its own suite with a 360-degree view. At the top is a lounge where people can hang out with a great view of the lake. I think the best part was the awesome massage I got while there at the Tranquility Spa! The owner, Johanna, creates all the products herself and I got a couple of the bath salts and they smell AMAZING and the prices very reasonable. She apparently has a new line of organic baby care products coming out too. Not that I need that!

While staying in North Texas, I went birdwatching at Hagerman National Wildlife Refuge (we saw quite a bit!), and went out on Lake Texoma in frigid weather with awesome fishing guide Chris with Striper Express - he knew exactly where the fish were! See the pic below with a ginormous striped bass and yours truly. OK I didn't catch it, but still... Then we ate some yummy food at De Happy Cajun Restaurant. I also stopped in at Eisenhower State Park - which is absolutely gorgeous. I didn't expect that. The lake - which is on the border between Texas and Oklahoma and is a reservoir of the Red River - has these rugged cliff faces and rocky ledges you can climb around on at the state park and I explored around and sat watching the water in this one beautiful spot. The area has a lot of history too.

And now I'm back home and trying to have an incredibly productive January! While doing the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse, I "won" a 12-week goal setting course through Amy Ahler's Wake Up Call Coaching so I'm on week 1 now. I've set some goals for my new year in all areas of my life! I'll share some of those soon.

Our first exercise was to address where we are thriving and where we are merely "surviving" - and I was happy to say that in most of the areas of my life I am thriving! I am very grateful for that. My main goals have to do with breaking through the glass ceiling in the writing world (there are some prominent magazines I plan to start pitching and would like to break into), and in the financial realm as well. I also want to make sure to spend more time with my amazing children and to cherish these next 2 and 3 years they are home with me before going off to college (sad face). I am soooo proud of them! Both of them are in the top 1% of their classes! My daughter got chosen as team captain by her coach because she saw that Savi exhibited leadership skills - even though this is only her first year on the team. I saw her first home game tonight and it was freeezing cold but it was so cute seeing her out there playing and telling other players where to go on the field. :) And they won 4 to 1!!

This is the house that President Eisenhower grew up in. Notice the "white picket fence" - I wonder if it was actually white when he lived here?
This is one of two cabins at Rancho Sereno.
One of the horsies at Rancho Sereno.
Inside the rooms at Rancho Sereno. The photograph on the wall is of horses from the ranch.
This is a relatively dull shot of the scenery at Hagerman NWR. It was grey day, so nothing is vibrant but the birds were out in droves.
A shot of the cliff and the lake at Eisenhower SP
Another shot of the shoreline at Eisenhower SP
A pretty ginormous striped bass on Lake Texoma!