Friday, January 20, 2006

nature and death

I was reading some of my old posts from New Mexico and it made me realize how free and joyful I was during the time there. It really is different back here in suburbia and I miss nature. I don't just take off and walk in the afternoons and dangle my feet over the mountain ledge, or watch the sunset. Or the stars. Or the sunrise. Or awaken to the yip of coyotes. It is a different world, this suburban jungle. I was walking to my mailbox today - about 50 feet from my front door - and just thinking how ugly it is here. I felt like "I don't belong here." I talked to my kids about moving to some land and building a house, but they like it here. For the first time in their life, they have friends to play with just down the street and they have people over all the time. I'm torn, as they have the country life with Matt's home and I travel enough to get my nature. Maybe I just need something different but still with people close by. I miss nature being just outside of my doorstep.

There's a little girl in my daughter's class whose father died a few years ago right before school started. It was the first year my kids had gone to this school, so I had never met her dad. Today I saw a plaque that said "in loving memory" of her father and it just made my heart break. It makes me sad because life just goes on, you know. For a child, how can you comprehend the immenseness of a loss that large? None of her peers can really understand what it must be like, and so she must internalize it to some degree as I'm sure she can't just sit and talk about it or cry about it as an adult would with friends and family. I know as an adult, you grieve the loss of a loved one for years. Yet a child can't just go into a deep depression (which I believe, if temporary, is a natural part of the grieving cycle). She just carries on as if nothing had happened almost. Yet we humans can be so strong. We can overcome so much, but most often we don't - we internalize and don't learn how to move on and become stronger from adversity - we get stuck replaying those childhood traumas for the rest of our lives. I pray it isn't so for this little lady, as she is smart and funny and has so much going for her.

overall things are going well, just trying to keep all the balls juggling and balanced - have slipped some but they're still juggling! I find it interesting that as my new year resolution is to be closer to God and I am working on this (have set aside mornings to pray and read the bible every day - and have except for i think 2 days), that i also have found other aspects happening naturally. I didn't make health or friendships or finances a "resolution" because i want to put God first and let all else follow. but I've found I'm naturally falling into things that are along those lines - and it seems to me to honor God to take care of my body through eating healthier and choosing products more in line with what I believe to be environmentally and socially responsible products, and to develop my friendships more closely, and to work on a solid financial plan. all these things have been blessings already in this new year.

I'm excited about cooking again for the first time in a long time, and about some get togethers with friends I've planned, and about some very cool articles i'm writing this year. there is much to look forward to! and much work to do. i love the freedom of working for myself!


Sus said...

I too am not a fan of suburbia but I'm different from you in that I LOVE living in the city, downtown near all the hubbub. But I do have to get away from time-to-time, away from the noise, the dirt, the humanity! I have to reconnect with the earth, to slow-down.

Miranda said...

I just got back from the country and keep realizing every time I go any depression lifts and I become joyful and much more aware and alive. I believe that in this part of my life I "need" to either live in the country or go there as often as possible. My husband Bob feels the same and we're working on a long term goal of living in an eco log cabin more and more of the time until he retires and we make it permanent!