Tuesday, March 11, 2008

i hit a goose today

I hit a goose today with my car. It was really ugly. It was walking straight across a 4-lane busy road. What was it thinking? It was a domestic goose that lives at a pond built next to a suburban neighborhood. In springtime they walk back and forth across the busy road with their ducklings. Being domestic geese, they do not fly much. This one was particularly ugly. It was mostly black with some white feathers, but had all these ooky red bumpy tubercles on its nose. Erm, I mean its bill. I totally slowed down to avoid hitting it, but I could not stop completely because I was about to be rear-ended. I really thought I'd avoided the darn goose when I heard a loud THWACK on the right side of my car. I had to keep driving so the car behind me didn't hit me, but I stole a quick glance over to the side, and there it was, standing on the side of the road, flapping its wings, like damn, that hurt. I felt bad. But apparently not bad enough to stop.

On a seemingly unrelated but actually related note, my mom came in town today to go watch Savi's play competition of "I Never Saw Another Butterfly" (which by the way she did awesome in as the lead role of Raja, and the team got 2nd place and she got a medal for "All Star Cast"!)

My mom and I can usually not stay in the same location for more than 24 hours without driving eachother batshit crazy. We're complete opposites, and not in a ying and yang kind of way. I'd say it's maybe getting a little better lately but maybe we just have learned a somewhat safe emotional distance. We bump up against one another and pull away more quickly without the huge knock-down dragouts of my childhood. Though we still get the claws out and raaaarrrr at one another a bit. So today as usual we got a little stress out at each other. I was worried we were going to be late for Savi's play and I was like Mom can you at least drive 5 miles over the speed limit?! You are driving like a grandma! She was like "I am NOT going to speed. We will get there just fine!" (and of course after she got home she emailed me a thing on speeding and someone killing a kid who sped... aye yi yi).

As we approached downtown, driving mostly in silence, she told me I should apologize to her since we were, in fact, going to be on time. I actually was about to apologize as a matter of fact, and I said Mom you never apologize. You raised your voice too. I said why don't you apologize? She said, I do apologize, you have short memory. I said, Mom I'm not sure you have ever apologized about anything in your whole life! I don't think you know how to apologize! She said, sure I have. I said, OK apologize for something right now. She goes, "OK I'm sorry that you felt that I..." I interrupted. MOM! You can not apologize that I felt something! She said, well what do you want me to apologize for? And I said, I don't know. Anything! Can't you think of anything you did in raising me to apologize for? She said, no, I can't think of anything right now off the top of my head. I said well what about right now! You can apologize for raising your voice at me. After about five minutes of conversation perhaps, darned if she didn't actually do it!! I about fell out of the car.

Maybe it was because I'd gotten mad when she wouldn't apologize I told her that really when you are unable to apologize you are placing yourself as the God in your life. She said that was totally inappropriate. But I said every situation has two people and even when one person thinks they are 100% right there is always some way to look at the contribution to the problem and apologize even if just for the sake of improving the relationship. Jesus died to forgive us, and tells us to forgive even if someone sins against us 7 times 77 in day and asks for forgiveness. We must forgive. And it's the central theme of receiving grace, that we also must humble ourselves enough to say we're sorry and need forgiveness. I said to her, mom, I do things wrong all the time and I just apologize and try to right them.

Anyway, on another note I also was observing in myself that when I am around her, I have this wall up. We hug and say "I love you" but there's not a closeness. I might say there never has been, and that may be true, but it's more like I almost ignore her to some extent. Maybe because of fear of allowing myself to get so close that I get my buttons pushed which I generally refuse to do these days as I leave a situation before it gets that way. Maybe fear of being hurt more myself from the situation. But I got to thinking that I do not treat my friends like that. I treasure my friends, and go out of my way to show them I love them, and do nice things for them and send supportive loving emails and visit them and spend time with them. I once heard the saying that we love God only as much as the person we like least. And I think that although I certainly don't consider my mom the person "I like least" I probably treat her the worst. Well not's like I beat her with a stick or anything... come on people! But you know what I mean - I think. I don't show her enough that I treasure her, and that I love her, and that she is beautiful and wonderful the way I know Jesus thinks of her. So I will have to work on this. The question is, do I feel "bad enough to stop"? Or to "start" offering healing love and grace?

On a totally unrelated note, I got (eye) contacts for the first time the other day, and I love them! However I'm still a bit squeemish about taking the darn things out. I have noticed that when I am sitting there on my bathroom counter trying to get it out, I am saying to myself, "For God's Sake Wendee you can pick up frogs and snakes and rats, get a hold of yourself and stick our finger in that cotton-pickin eyeball!!

I have to go do that right now.


Wendee said...

Holtcamp, you crack me up. No, not about the goose or your mom. Yes, just stick your finger in your eyeballs to deal with those contacts, will ya? How can you be sqeamish about that, when you're going to be swimming with sharks? Seriously. LOL

Unknown said...

I know, I know. I got much faster at it yesterday. I thikn it's about sticking one's finger in one's OWN eyeball that freaks me out. You're just not used to seeing that giant pink wormy thing coming straight at your eyeball and touching it!