Monday, September 08, 2008

i am loved, i am loved not

The Grand Canyon
Copyright (c) 2005 Wendee Holtcamp

One of the major breakthroughs I've had that I've hinted at has been this realization of how this whole "I am not loved" or "I don't deserve love" perhaps, or "I will never be loved" thing affects me. In the language of Imago Relationship Therapy (created by psychologist Harville Hendrix), I was wounded in the Attachment stage, from birth to 18 months, due to am ambivalent mother who was alternately cold and warm, which creates the feeling of "There is nobody there for me, nobody cares about me."

It's funny how we can feel unloved even when we are so loved. The things my friends and various people who read my blog have written me blow my mind and make me feel so encouraged, and makes me feel valued as a human being and friend. How can someone who gets this kind of amazing feedback feel unloved? I mean, seriously, what is my problem? :) And yes I save some of them because it does help to read them on bad days!

"You are an absolutely amazing person and I treasure you as a wonderful friend. You never cease to amaze me with your positive and giving nature. I am blessed to be able to call you my friend."

"Every time I read your blog I am blown away at the intentionality with which you live – you seek meaning in everything and maximize all experience. It is inspirational!"

"You have such a good heart, my friend!"

"Wendee you are THE MOST inspiring person I know!!! Not blowing smoke."

"I was just forwarded a link to your website and was blown away. You are gifted as a writer and a photographer. Those are two things I aspire to be, but like you I have had a difficult childhood. At first glance it was your body of work that I admired, but after reading about how open you are to love after you have been hurt it is that that I find most inspiring."

"You sound happy and well on your way to the life you were born to live! You are an inspiration to women...even though I am happy to live vicariously through your adventures!!"

"You bring such sunshine into my life -- I'm not even kidding."

"I took the liberty of checking out your website. I am so impressed, Wendee! Can I just say that I am thrilled that God brought us together! I can add you to my list of "inspirations". You've inspired me in so many ways. Reading your articles, especially your statement on your faith...whew! I'm blown away! You are such a beautiful, beautiful person. I am so glad that God created you!"

"You are such a beautiful women, body, mind, and spirit that someone someday will truly treasure. I wish I had words to heal the hurt in your heart, I can’t even imagine. I pray for you to have the image of your laying in god’s hands and he will heal your heart in time. I love you."

Imago therapy is based on the concept that we attract partners who have both the positive and negative traits of our parents. And in those relationships, we can heal our wounds. I went through a lot of Imago therapy when I was trying to fix my marriage, and it was actually about the only thing that actually helped us learn to communicate and understand one another. Reviewing it again is like, wow. This stuff is crazy true. It's based on years and years of psychological research of course.

But you know, I can read all this stuff and I knew it in my head for some time, but things have been really good in my life for the past couple of years, so I didn't feel I needed to go back and deal with any of this again. Until now. I sort of had this huge eureka moment last Friday where I saw how it still IS affecting my life by keeping me in a position where I both desire a love relationship again, but absolutely terrified of it as well and hence I push it away in various ways. Ambivalence.

No comments: