Wednesday, September 24, 2008

over it

Sam about to blow out 12 birthday candles on his brownie last night, with Stef's mother-in-law helping out.
Copyright (c) 2008 Wendee Holtcamp

Every woman chooses the man who chooses her - Anonymous (via Stefanie)

I couldn't give a damn what you said to me
I don't really care what you think of me
Cause either way you're going to think what you believe
There's nothing you can say that would hurt me

I'm better off without you anyway
I thought it might be hard but I'm ok
I don't need you if you're going to be that way
Cause with me it's all or nothing
Hey, Hey you I found myself again
That's why you're gone
I can do better, I can do better

You're so full of it I can't stand
The way you act I just can't comprehend
I don't think that you can handle it
I'm way way, over it

- Avril Lavigne, I Can Do Better

That Avril song is a great one to listen to when you need girl-power feelings to deal with frustration... and I've been listening to it when I run. It's good to express my anger that way, I think, which is healthy, rather than venting at someone! :) (Which I have to admit to doing sometimes, especially after a lot of pent-up frustration and inability to actually communicate with someone...)

Anyhow, I wanted to paint a sort of word picture of some things in my life and how various pieces of the puzzle came together in an affirmation of myself. I was having a conversation the other day with a guy friend (by email) and he took something wrong and then went off on me about me being condescending or some crap like that (I mentioned this briefly the other blog but didn't get into the details). Now maybe it came across that way but I've never intentionally condescended to anyone in my life. I grew up poor and surrounded by people of various races and religious beliefs (or not) and am friends with people from all walks of life, education level, religious beliefs, age, etc. But I sure as heck was not meaning to be condescending but he just went OFF on me. This isn't someone I know all that well though I have met him in person, but I was like, whoa. I think the anonymity of email makes it easier for people to act like asses (And I have done so myself), even when you know the people in person. We say things in typed form we probably would not say to their face.

Anyway I found myself a bit hurt and taken aback and thinking, wow do I need to stop writing so much, or using "big words" or expressing all the intriciacies of my thought processes to others so I don't offend someone else, or make them feel condescended to? I really started second-guessing myself, and wondering if I should change to not offend others. But then the saying of Eleanor Roosevelt came to mind, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." And I realized that was HIS stuff not mine. I also remembered the words of one of my Christian spiritual mentors - an awesome man from Van Horn Texas - who said in any bit of criticism or advice the only thing you need to do is to listen to it, and say, What, if anything, does God have for me in this information? And then discard the rest.

Another thing that happened related to the situation was I saw a preview to this documentary where there was this old professor guy in a room with tons of books and stacks of files filled with probably scientific research papers talking to the camera, and I thought "I am that." I totally relate to the professorial persona, the intellectual. I have several file cabinets full of scientific papers and reports, and tons of books in my office. I realized, that is just who I am. I am an intellectual, I love words, I love to express, I love to read, I am knowledgeable about a lot of things, and I do not need to diminish my own light and my own self to make someone else feel comfortable. And if someone does not like that, that is not my problem.

On another note, this is kind of funny, yesterday Stef told me, you know your problem is you have too many guys to choose from! When you're with one person (married or whatever) you have to work things out (which of course is not a bad thing), but I have the freedom to choose. I laughed, and said, I know! That is precisely half my problem. I am so in love with being solo, I have a hard time opening up and letting anyone in for fear of diminishing me. I can seem like I open up but I never let anyone in for real. I feel abundantly blessed to have my own house, no one to tell me how to spend my money (finances are a huge source of marital arguments and were in mine too), or my time, or to tell me I'm spending too much time with girlfriends or work, I don't have to pick up anyone's stuff (except the kids, but I make them do it!), I don't have to answer to anyone but God! Someone was asking me, when I told them I felt ambivalent about finding love, which side of the fence I leaned. I really do not know. Obviously my actions would indicate that I lean toward the being solo side. That may change, if the right guy came along. As I've said before and I'll say again "It takes a damn good man to be better than no man at all!"

So I just got back from my run and am on a mission today to collect fences lost in Huricane Ike!

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