sadly mistaken

Oh how this song resonates in my soul right now... one of my favorites - heartrending and beautiful, from my favorite singer of all time, Alanis.



"Simple Together"

You've been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can't go to you for consolation
Cause we're off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
Thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You've been my soulmate and then some
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew god's face was handsome
With you I saw fun and expansion

This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And I can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together
Thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
Thought we'd be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

Thought we'd be exploring together
Thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
Thought we'd be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

mental

Galapagos tortoise, Santa Cruz Island, Galapagos Archipelago

(c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

So many friends of mine are having relationships struggles right now! It's crazy. And this Alanis song on her new CD, Straitjacket, is sooo apropos. I love it. Wish the radio would play her again, she so rocks! I'm not too keen on the Y chromosome at the moment.

Something so benign
From me construed as cruelty
Such a difference between
Who I am and who you see
/snip part of lyrics

This shit's making me crazy
The way you nullify what's in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that's not what you did
Your way's making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won't be happy 'til
I'm bound in a straitjacket

Talking with you's like talking
To a sieve that can't hear me
You fight me tooth and nail
To disavow what's happening

Your resistance to a mirror
I feel screaming from your body
One day I'll introduce myself
And you'll see you've not yet met me

- Straitjacket, Alanis Morissette on Flavors of Entanglement

That is the most absolutely perfect brilliant description ........... yep.

On another note, I've been trying to meditate for 10 minutes per day. I've been wanting to meditate on a regular basis for a long time but never had, except maybe like once every 2 years! Someone recommended just setting a timer at 10 minutes so I've done that for two days now. OK so this is how I meditated today: I sat in silence and drank coffee and ate part of a croissant with my eyes closed. Ha ha ha! I'm laughing at myself! While meditating, I try to "smile in my liver" the way that Liz Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love. I need to read that book again!

parallel universe

only in the figments of my mind does this mythical creature exist who can set down his crown and hold up mirrors and see through walls and gently wipe tears and listen with hearts wide open torn but caring bleeding but blessing. ask how can i serve and love and care how can i not hurt you how can i listen how can we together we be greater than one and one. the mythical one. the unicorn. - (c) WH

So many of Alanis' lyrics on her latest album speak to me, right here, where I'm at. This first one is really beautiful. It's on the second CD/DVD set you can order off her website, I don't think it comes in the one you can buy in stores. The concept of an orchid really speaks to me - an unusual bloom, not like every flower but different, beautiful, unique, but needing special care for the plant to blossom.

(Photo Copyright 2007 Wendee Holtcamp, Orchid in Nepal)

I'm a sweet piece of work, well intentioned yet disturbed
wrongly label-ed and under-fed,
treated like a rose as an orchid

My friends, as they weigh in,
get understandably protective
They have a hard time being objective
So inside we cancel each other out

I'm a sweet piece of work,
well intentioned and unloved
enabled and misunderstood,
treated like a rose as an orchid

So I've lived in my blind spot
Thought myself usual when I'm not
And your garden is a nice spot
As long as it is brave and where you are

For this sweet piece of work,
high maintenance and deserted
I've been different and deserving,
treated like a rose as an orchid

- Orchid, Alanis Morissette

This next one is from Madness, also on the 2nd CD. It's also a beautiful ballad. I heard once, I think in a Beth Moore bible study that relationships allow us to learn and grow, they allow God to refine us as iron in the fire, and remove our impurities as they reveal themselves in the fire. Sometimes when there's pain, there's a thorn that needs removed. And the scratchiness and discomfort of the situation can still bring a more beautiful person out in the tomorrow, post-fire.

Oh, thank you
Much thanks for this bird's eye view
Oh, thank you
For your most generous triggers

It's been all too easy
To cross my arms and roll my eyes
The thought of dropping all arms
Leaves me terrified

Now I see the madness in me
Is brought out in the presence of you
Now I know the madness lives on
When you're not in the room
Though I'd love to blame you for all
I'd miss these moments of opportune
You simply brought this madness to light
And I should thank you

I'd have to give up knowing
And give up being right
You, inadvertent hero
You, angel in disguise

- Madness, Alanis Morissette

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

- Moratorium, Alanis Morissette

being in charge

I've been a bit frustrated lately, and grumpy, and thinking about parenting and such (have been struggling with some challenging behavior - ah teenagers), today I was in my office and I was talking to Savie and I told her, "I like to be in charge. I just like to order people around, to tell them what to do, and they do it without arguing. I don't like people to have other opinions!"

It was kind of hilarious, I mean I said it in all seriousness, while knowing how awfully ridiculous it sounds. I think that in truth, without realizing it, a lot of people are like this. In general we human beings are not very good at negotiating or often at communicating. Parenting like a dictator doesn't work so well... (nor other relationships) but sometimes in parenting of course you do have to take charge. I have really enjoyed being a single parent (and single person in general), as opposed to being married, because in my house and my life, I make the rules. I can spend my money how I want to, I can do what I want to, I can tell the kids what to do without discussing it with anyone...

Well in reality my ex and I have pretty much the same feelings about everything kid-related and we discuss everything and luckily we agree on pretty much everything, so that makes it easier. M and I have not "fought" in any way in the past 5 years since we've been divorced -well right at the beginning it was challenging. Why do people get along so much better when there is no "relationship" than when you're "together"? I don't get it. Like I said, I like to be in charge and I'm not too great about having to change for someone else, even when they're not exactly asking me to change. Relationships (of all sorts) are put there to help us learn about ourselves - often the scratchy parts. Blech. I just would rather live in a hole sometimes than to have to see these things!

There's this parable that always spoke to me because it was so darn confusing. I didn't get what it was in the Centurion's behavior and words that made Jesus think his faith was so great. I think I get it now, or am starting to.

The Faith of the Centurion Luke 7 1:10

1When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. 2There a centurion's servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. 3The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. 4When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, "This man deserves to have you do this, 5because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue." 6So Jesus went with them. He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. 7That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. 8For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."

9When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." 10 Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.

I love this song Not the Doctor by Alanis. Full lyrics here or somewhere on her own website Alanis.com.

"Not The Doctor"
by Alanis Morissette

I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you

/snip

I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
At midnight, hey
What are you hungry for
I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights

/snip

I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
And it's wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for

/snip

Those are just some of the lyrics I particularly relate to!

underneath

Wow this new Alanis single really speaks to me. I love her! Lyrics below the video.
Underneath
by Alanis Morissette

Look at us break our bonds in this kitchen
Look at us rallying all our defenses
Look at us waging war in our bedroom
Look at us jumping ship in our dialogues

There is no difference
In what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause
right here, our underneath.

Look at us form our cliques in our sandbox
Look at us micro kids with both our hearts blocked
Look at us turn away from all the rough spots
Look at dictatorship on my own block

There is no difference
In what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time undressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause
right here, our underneath.

How I've spun my wheels
With carts before my horse
When shine on the outside springs from the root
Spotlight on these seeds of simpler reasons
The core, born into form, starts in our livingroom

There is no difference
In what we're doing in here
That doesn't show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time in dressing our bandages
When we've the ultimate key to the cause
right here, our underneath.

wisdom

On the Alanis song, "You Owe Me Nothing in Return" which I included the lyrics to a few blog posts ago, this is obviously an idealized form of love - one I strive for. Not sure if it can be achieved but I love this song. I love Alanis! Her new album, Flavors of Entanglement, comes out Jun 10 in the US, Jun 2 internationally! I've already pre-ordered the DVD/CD combo...

Alanis is someone I look up to very much in terms of her artistic talent, her self expressiveness, and ability to look inward and self-criticize and grow and then use this as part of her muse. I relate very much to that model. I also like when people can look inward, and believe that ultimately that is the only way. We can set boundaries, and tell others that we will not or can not live with a certain behavior, but ultimately it's their choice to change or not, but we can choose whether we are willing to live with it, or to leave and end that relationship.

"And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother's eye."

- Luke 6:41-42 NKJV

Notice it does say that once we remove the plank from our eye, we CAN see clearly to help others. I believe that is important because I do believe there are people who have gone through some lessons and can teach and encourage others in those areas, even as they/we still have places to learn in other areas of life. We all can learn from one another - what a beautiful thing if it happens!

But I've found that those who still have planks in their eyes often still point the finger at others, and refuse to look inward or listen to wisdom of others, or are selective in who they listen to.

OK this is sort of a different subject but was thinking about personality temperaments etc. I am an ENFP (Meyers Briggs Temperament Sorter) - Teacher-Idealist, also called The Giver. Oprah is one also. I think this is why I express and love to share the things I've learned and read about. Lots of people like to read the blog and say they enjoy it but... it doesn't always work when you're in a one-on-one situation! LOL. I on the other hand, love constructive criticism. How else will I see myself from another person's perspective if they don't tell me? I can try to see what my flaws could be, but unless someone tells me I am only still looking through colored-glasses skewed by my own perspective. Plus the dynamics of any friendship and relationship depend so much on our pasts, family history, issues that bother us, etc. What bothers one person may not bother another at all! Here's the paragraph from the Meyers Briggs Foundation page:

ENFJ: Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Find potential in everyone, want to help others fulfill their potential. May act as catalysts for individual and group growth. Loyal, responsive to praise and criticism. Sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership.

And here's another page at the Meyers-Briggs Foundation site that describes the ENFJ/Teacher.

Teachers like things settled and organized, and will schedule their work hours and social engagements well ahead of time-and they are absolutely trustworthy in honoring these commitments. Valuing as they do interpersonal cooperation and harmonious relations, Teachers are extraordinarily tolerant of others, are easy to get along with, and are usually popular wherever they are.

Teachers are highly sensitive to others, which is to say their intuition tends to be well developed. Certainly their insight into themselves and others is unparalleled. Without a doubt, they know what is going on inside themselves, and they can read other people with uncanny accuracy. Teachers also identify with others quite easily, and will actually find themselves picking up the characteristics, emotions, and beliefs of those around them. Because they slip almost unconsciously into other people's skin in this way, Teachers feel closely connected with those around them, and thus show a sincere interest in the joys and problems of their employees, colleagues, students, clients, and loved ones.

Here's a link to the place where you can take your own test. There are several different versions - look under the heading "Jung Tests I-E S-N F-T J-P" in the right column. I know I took a long one but can't remember if it was the 70-question Word test, or the Jung + Enneagram (108 q's). It was a while ago. Take the test and tell me what you are! :)

you owe me...

You Owe Me Nothing In Return

by Alanis Morissette

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance
if you want it
I will give you encouragement
to choose the path that you want
if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts
your fears and freak outs
and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called
shame filled accounts
of times in your life
and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
/snip

This is the only kind of love
as I understand it
that there really is

/snip

You can say that you have to skip town
to chase your passion
I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom
have a mid-life crisis
and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
/snip

These are just some of the lyrics. Full lyrics here!