Thursday, June 05, 2008

being in charge

I've been a bit frustrated lately, and grumpy, and thinking about parenting and such (have been struggling with some challenging behavior - ah teenagers), today I was in my office and I was talking to Savie and I told her, "I like to be in charge. I just like to order people around, to tell them what to do, and they do it without arguing. I don't like people to have other opinions!"

It was kind of hilarious, I mean I said it in all seriousness, while knowing how awfully ridiculous it sounds. I think that in truth, without realizing it, a lot of people are like this. In general we human beings are not very good at negotiating or often at communicating. Parenting like a dictator doesn't work so well... (nor other relationships) but sometimes in parenting of course you do have to take charge. I have really enjoyed being a single parent (and single person in general), as opposed to being married, because in my house and my life, I make the rules. I can spend my money how I want to, I can do what I want to, I can tell the kids what to do without discussing it with anyone...

Well in reality my ex and I have pretty much the same feelings about everything kid-related and we discuss everything and luckily we agree on pretty much everything, so that makes it easier. M and I have not "fought" in any way in the past 5 years since we've been divorced -well right at the beginning it was challenging. Why do people get along so much better when there is no "relationship" than when you're "together"? I don't get it. Like I said, I like to be in charge and I'm not too great about having to change for someone else, even when they're not exactly asking me to change. Relationships (of all sorts) are put there to help us learn about ourselves - often the scratchy parts. Blech. I just would rather live in a hole sometimes than to have to see these things!

There's this parable that always spoke to me because it was so darn confusing. I didn't get what it was in the Centurion's behavior and words that made Jesus think his faith was so great. I think I get it now, or am starting to.

The Faith of the Centurion Luke 7 1:10


1When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. 2There a centurion's servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. 3The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. 4When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, "This man deserves to have you do this, 5because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue." 6So Jesus went with them. He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. 7That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. 8For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."

9When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." 10 Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.

I love this song Not the Doctor by Alanis. Full lyrics here or somewhere on her own website Alanis.com.

"Not The Doctor"
by Alanis Morissette

I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you

/snip

I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
At midnight, hey
What are you hungry for
I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights

/snip

I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
And it's wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for

/snip

Those are just some of the lyrics I particularly relate to!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ackowledging your usual certain confidence, yet acknowledging the dichotomy over the "being in charge" thoughts you express, I hope you don't find these song lyrics (and my thoughts over Alanis' sentiments about not wanting to be the other *half* of a relationship) too glib a response to your musings:

"The cloak and dagger dangles
Madams light the candles
In ceremonies of the horsemen
Even the pawn must hold a grudge
Statues made of match sticks
Crumble into one another
My love winks, she does not bother
She knows too much to argue or to judge"
- Bob Dylan "Love Minus Zero/No Limit"

"I want to be your lover baby, I don't want to be your boss"
-Dylan "It Takes A Lot To Laugh, It Takes A Train To Cry"

In relationships of the heart, one plus one makes three - if you account for synergy (or its potential occurrence).

p.s., Nice poem of yearning above.

WENDEE HOLTCAMP said...

thanks for these - they are great lyrics. i'll have to get the songs and listen! :) i had a dylan "tape" (old huh)- but no CDs... need to get some!