the park

So this evening I went to the park alone and just laid on the big hill and read a book. I'm trying to finish The Snow Leopard which I started when I went to Nepal but never finished. I liked to watch the trees sway back and forth in the gentle breeze, and to watch the insects crawling in the matted grass beneath my sweater, and to see the various children come, play, and then go. I listened to music, and read, and then wrote about what love is, which basically i have no freaking idea. Just when you think an answer whispers, it runs away, it laughs in your ear and you don't know if you heard something or if it was your imagination.

I have a friend who was on her own in many ways since she was about 11 or 12. I feel very much the same. Even though externally it might have looked like I was raised by a seemingly normal suburban family, in reality I was totally raising myself. I rebelled against every act of authority. And my mom would alternately yell at me and "run away" or kick me out of the house. So I'd go with my friends and do my own thing. Even lived on the streets of Portland at one point, sort of, living in abandoned houses and sleeping on park benches, eating from a children's shelter with the other street kids, and hanging out with them. Did whatever I wanted. Not always a good thing, but I learned a lot and basically ended up pretty responsible in the end. But when you take care of yourself so much, it's hard to let someone else "in," into your heart. I've been working since I was 14 years old, making my own money, and taking care of myself. Anyway so I think I've learned how to be a pretty good friend, and I have the best most amazing friends in the world. But can I love? I don't even know what the hell that means. So whatever.

Love what is love is it longing or laughter or glue, is it me and you is it true, is it a chain or am i a caged bird fluttering? I don't know what this means or whether i can even give it i don't know anymore if i want it or my freedom didn't i say that the only love worth having gives more liberty than it takes away can love live hand in hand i don't know i have more questions than answers this time funny how that changes. love what is love can i give it can i have it can i make you feel it when i don't i fear i can i feel i don't know anymore how to receive it i only know when my friend says to me, you are young, you are beautiful, you are wildly talented, mother of two fantastic kids, you are a heroic, bohemian, writer ninja you are a mighty, mighty warrior, i cry tears joy and sorrow, why do i not know i do not know what love is i just want a friend not the end of me.