Wednesday, April 23, 2008

dissatisfaction

Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp
Dogg Lake, Yosemite National Park



I'm back from girls night out, which was fun as always. This is just a fly by the seat of my pants blog so bear with me. I just have been thinking about dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction with certain aspects of life. It seem I've always been a certain level of dissatisfaction with something or another. I am always looking at the unraveling hem and trying to fix it - whether in my own life or what in my career or my kids or whatever. I see things as glass half full but at the same time am always working to fill up the empty half - or quarter or whatever. So I've been wondering whether in a certain situation I'm going to create a need I didn't feel before, and then have it taken away, and then I'll end up dissatisfied. Am I creating or putting myself in a situation where I'm doomed to become dissatisfied? Is that wise? Or am I not trusting enough in the providence of the universe, of God to provide love and fill a need that we all have, even when we (I) like to hide behind the mask of independence and "I am an island"?


I see so many women (or men for that matter) get in relationships quickly after a divorce or relationship breakup. I've been solo for over 5 years now. I had one relationship for about 4 months in there. I like my life this way for the most part. I like raising my kids and working on my career and spending time with my friends. It's been my philosophy that "It takes a damn good man to be better than no man at all" and so far I haven't met anyone that fits the bill (am I too demanding? ha! Have to be, I think - too many unhappy married couples and I ain't gonna be one of those - don't want to be!). There's something to be said for making your own money, not having anyone to negotiate or argue with about financial or other decisions, and all that jazz. (Luckily my ex and I have pretty much the same philosophy about our kids so there are not parenting disagreements). There are certainly some things I miss being solo, but, well I won't go into details.


So I wonder though whether getting into a new relationship is something I really want to do, especially when it's distance and could be destined for creating longing or more dissatisfaction in a part of my life where I'm generally pretty satisfied (or not worrying about a buried need, at least). Sometimes having something there for a while, and then having to go without, fills this space you didn't know was there and then if you take it back away and then all of a sudden you miss what you didn't realize you longed for in the deep recesses of your heart and soul. So is it better to go on as always, ignoring that part of oneself, or to become vulnerable and create this vacuum that will necessarily be empty in a long distance relationship? I have a lot to think about. Insight and comments are much appreciated, even if anonymous!!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

From "The Times You'ce Come" by Jackson Browne...

"Now everybody's gonna tell you it's not worth it
Everybody's gotta show you their own thing
You might try to find your way up around it
But the need for love will still remain..."

I've found the above to be true concerning the need for love, in myself, in any case. It just will not go away, so I quit trying to push the river a while back. I did pray to God to show me what to "do about" this need, nothing more specific than that, and then...I met someone very special! However, it can be confusing, as situations described below (continuing the song here quoted) show...

"Now we're lying here,
So safe, in the ruins of our pleasures
Laughter marks the place where we have fallen
And our lives are near
So it wouldnt occur to us to wonder
Is this the past or the future that is calling

You know I've loved these times you've come."

TF

Anonymous said...

The next time all of these thoughts are flooding in on you, practice this. Make a deliberate effort to force the thoughts out of your mind and leave the mind empty. Contact your spirit and allow the voice of God, His Spirit, to speak. There is no need to translate, interpret, or adjust. Your spirit is you at the deepest level, the truest form of you, and the organ and mechanism through which God inserts Himself into your being. Questionings dissipate and peace remains along with the knowledge(the I know of the I know, the deepest possible knowing) of God's desire and God's purpose. It's not earth shattering, just solid and sure. Then, trust in what God has "said" and trust Him to work it out. Pray when, in your spirit, you sense an obstacle, but don't take it back from Him and don't attempt to master plan the Master's Plan just because you've learned to hear.

WENDEE HOLTCAMP said...

thanks for these beautiful and brilliant comments/replies. I tried doing the thing i nthe 2nd one last night, sort of meditating on my bedroom floor and it did seem to clear my mind. I didn't get any answers from God exactly but then I got a text message from a certain someone, and my anxiety dissipated much.