Sunday, April 27, 2008

I am happy

"First time that I saw your eyes, Boy you looked right through me. mmm mmm. Play it cool but I knew you knew..." - Fergie, Clumsy

I don’t know why, but I’m just feeling inner joy and peace today. Excitement even. Yea! Funny thing, after all my questioning and inner struggles I tried doing that thing that someone anonymously commented about what I should try:

"Make a deliberate effort to force the thoughts out of your mind and leave the mind empty. Contact your spirit and allow the voice of God, His Spirit, to speak. There is no need to translate, interpret, or adjust. Your spirit is you at the deepest level, the truest form of you, and the organ and mechanism through which God inserts Himself into your being. Questionings dissipate and peace remains along with the knowledge(the I know of the I know, the deepest possible knowing) of God's desire and God's purpose. It's not earth shattering, just solid and sure. Then, trust in what God has "said" and trust Him to work it out. Pray when, in your spirit, you sense an obstacle, but don't take it back from Him and don't attempt to master plan the Master's Plan just because you've learned to hear."

So I laid down on my bedroom floor and closed my eyes and just tried to clear my mind and think of God and listen. I first tried sitting but it wasn’t too comfy so I laid down, on the floor next to my bed just meditating on love; ie God is love. I didn’t really hear any answers. I hadn’t exactly asked any questions. I just cleared my mind and listened and tried to clear my mind of all the rubble. Then I fell asleep. On the floor.

But when I crawled into bed at about 1:30am, I got a text message. And then we talked by phone, for about an hour. Which at $3.50/minute on my cell phone is going to cost a small fortune but oh well. (I have a calling card to call Australia, but it results in an annoying delay between talking and hearing one another). This is the first I’d heard from him by phone since he’d been out at sea, so it was really comforting and nice to talk and I felt sooooo much better (for the first days after I got home we talked every day, then he went back out to sea). And I’m very, very excited to be going back in just over a week!!!! So very excited. So much.

I was reading something on Dr. Phil’s website (don’t even ask how/why I ended up there – believe me, it’s NOT the typical kind of thing I browse) about relationships and it said something about allowing yourself to be your “authentic self” in a relationship and that if you’re not, then you’re doomed to failure. Well I don’t normally worry about being my authentic self because I pretty much am authentically who I am, but what I realized is that I had this worry, I’m not proud of this, but I worried about what others might think about him and whether he’d fit into my life and that kind of thing… but that’s me worrying about what others think, which I’ve always maintained is stupid. So why was I doing it?

The reality is my authentic self has this attraction for this person that is very mutual. And then after we started cruising out to sea the very first hour or two, I went into his skipper’s cabin (the wheelhouse) and he just had this huge grin, like he was expecting my visit.

So we just got to know each other more and better on the trip and that is that. And we basically shared so much about our lives with one another in a totally natural way, slowly unraveling, unfolding, revealing layers of the onion. We share many similar issues from our pasts, and have common values and well he’s just so interesting and different and witty and cool and um, Australian, and just the perfect level of forwardness for me. He pissed me off one time, and I cried another time. I fell asleep when he was telling me something important from his heart– ha! Oops. But the whole experience and meeting between us was all just very special. And I resisted much of it (the feelings, I think) for nearly the whole trip, I guess I was in denial.

And he is a Christian, which is a huge huge huge thing for me. It’s really hard for me to find people (guys) who are Christians and sort of more liberal in their thinking, laid back, scientific-minded, and all that. I tend to have more in common with and be friends with more non-Christians than Christians, but have been really always wanting to meet a Christian guy who is on my wavelength. And the vision he has for the future is very much along the lines as what I want to do, which is very serendipitous and also weird. I mean he’s got his own plans and dreams, but they fit right into what I want to be doing with my life too. Can’t you just see us as the next Steve and Terri Irwin? :0) Except I told him I've got to be in charge. I've got to be the Stevo. And he said no he's got to be in charge. heh heh.

So to be honest, I know it’s easy for anything to fall apart and not work out. I mean, here we are 9 million miles apart (or something like that…), halfway across the great huge planet. I have to stay in Houston for my kids, because my parents moved apart from one another and I had to jet back and forth between them since I was about 2 years old and I swore I’d never do that to my kids. I had to choose between parents, and I don’t ever want to do that to my kids. I want them to be raised with both of us right here in their lives. It’s very much an internal struggle because I feel like I’ve found something very special – and though there’s much time ahead to see what will happen and maybe it’s all just illusory and not real anyway (you never know) but if this is the real deal then what the heck? Must I give up a chance at love for the sake of my kids? Is that the kind of sacrifice God is asking me to make? Can he move here? Can we share time between Australia and here? So many questions that are all so far in the future but the questions one must ask as a single mom are simply different than those by a typical single person, because well, why open my heart if I know it’s doomed from the start?

I asked M if he wants to move to Australia, but no dice. I’ve started feeding my kids Vegemite in the hopes they’ll turn into little Aussies. ;) Something, someway will work out. Or it won’t. Time will tell. We’re going to have to take this one day by day. So that’s that. And I can’t wait to see him again!!!


Wendee said...

Well, Holtcamp, you didn't say he was a Christian guy who is on your wavelength before! ...


well. so. ??? what does that mean? to me it's significant, but why oh why, inquiring minds want to know, did you respond to that/those points of all i rambled on about? :) xoxo the "other" wendee

Sharon Guynup said...

What a luscious, romantic story! Almost makes an old cynic like me believe in love again!


Almost? LOL. Well we'll see how it turns out and if it does work out, then you must believe in love again! Me too. :) And there's much much more to the story that I will reveal in time. The platypus story is pretty amazing, but I think I've told you that, just not for public consumption just yet :)