Saturday, April 26, 2008


I envy those souls who don't question every little aspect of life, and who just go with the flow. I'm not one of those people. I have questions about everything, EVERYTHING from the way the universe works to the way my mind and emotions work to the what is really real about what people say and what reality even is. It can drive one to madness at times... It's really the skeptic's worldview to some extent, though I believe in God which throws a monkeywrench in that whole equation.

Some people I know trust others immediately and then allow themselves to be disappointed, and they say it's worth it, in what you gain from the trust that you extend to that person. I am generally that way in that I don't judge others or try not to and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt for sure. But it also depends on what is at stake. If I'm risking something of my life or my heart I can't just put that trust out there 100% all at once. I think that partly this came from the relationship experience I had a few years back, but I think it's wise. I've said since then that I don't think I'll ever allow myself to just completely give myself emotionally over to another person, or to fall head over heels. Whatever happens in my life and with my heart it's going to happen slowly. Maybe there's a little cynicism in there, I don't know.

I got a pedicure two days ago and then yesterday a massage. All these emotions come flooding out of me, and it's hard to know whether it's my own manufactured fears and questions or whether it's intuition or reality. Or hell, just PMS for that matter. I really wish sometimes I had a simpler mind that thought about things less! Just watch, I'll get in a car accident and end up in a coma or something because I said that... I've been having some bizarre dreams lately. Then again I've been sleeping a lot. Sleeping is so amazing. I could sleep all day! Then again, I have a crapload of work to do, so I really can't.

On another note I thought my toe was healing and I was walking without much of a limp and I even did power yoga one day. Well now it's getting worse, and hurting, and it's swollen, and I'm limping again. This really stinks because I'm leaving in a week for Australia and I want it to be fully healed!! Back to work on an article on ringtails, those cute ferret-like relatives of raccoons.

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