Friday, August 15, 2008

intense emotions

Musicians in Central Park
Copyright (c) 2007 Wendee Holtcamp

From cane reeds, sugar
From a worm's cocoon, silk.

Be patient if you can, and from sour
grapes will come something sweet.
- Rumi, From Say I Am You

I have been reworking my book's first chapter. It's the story of my life, in a nutshell, the story of how I became an evolutionist and a Christian. It covers my painful childhood, including my parent's divorce, an intense custody battle when I was eight - which meant that I left my mom that very day with nothing but the clothes I had on to live with my dad (by my choice). Some very awful things happened to me during my youth, some of which I've mentioned on the blog before. I turned against God, and became an atheist. I don't know who or what rescued me, but I can only say that it's God, which is to me, in part, the love that exists in the Universe. I haven't been involved in any of those dark behaviors in many, many years - 18 years in fact! But writing about the past is bringing up a lot of intense feelings, and making me feel dark and sad.

I'm recognizing all the small disappointments and abandonments of my parents, and of the people who were supposed to protect me but instead hurt me whether they meant to or not, and the helplessness I felt and the aloneness I felt, all led me to become an incredibly self-sufficient independent person that does not like to rely on anyone because in my head and heart and body and soul everyone is unreliable. It's a "story" I tell myself subconsciously, and I know it's not true. But delving into my past is leading to insecurities about things which I don't need to be insecure about in the present, because for the most part I've dealt with and overcome these issues in my life - but writing actively about it makes it all feel very present. I know this too shall pass. Out of sour grapes will come something sweet.

Today, Rin and I are going to go to Crow's Nest Falls National Park and chase down some rock wallabies. I hope I don't freeze! :)


Melanie said...

I will be excited to read your book someday; you are a very encouraging person, whether you realize that or not. Thank you for the comment on my blog the other day; it brought me back to reality;). If you ever have cause to be in NC, there's a cup of coffee waiting for you:).

Unknown said...

ahh melanie thank you! I try to be encouraging, sometimes I think I need to be more encouraging to myself. I am not feeling so much that way at the present time, feeling kinda blue :( But I have to go focus on my book! Hope you're doing well!