Monday, August 04, 2008

happily ever after?

Copyright (c) 1999 Wendee Holtcamp
Sunset at Lake Arenal, Costa Rica

"Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams die.
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly."
- James Langston Hughes

Someone random emailed me that quote, and I like it, so I'm posting it here, figuring it has some meaning in the universe for me, and others. I'm feeling a bit melancholy as I pack up all my last minute things, clean up the house, and get ready for a big overseas trip. I used to get extremely anxious and stressed and grumpy right before I'd travel, and I always figured it was because I got this way as a kid about to go visit my dad, or home to mom. (I flew so many cross-country trips by myself from the age of 8 on!) I'm missing the kiddos, who are at their grandparents and I won't see them until I get back. I'm missing my daily dose of hugs! What am I going to do with myself when they're all grown up?

I'm actually totally excited about the trip, but there's just a quiet in my mind. You know, I have had this thought sort of creep into my mind a few times. Does anyone else ever feel like they don't "deserve" to be happy? I mean, like the over the top amazing kind of happy? Even if it's just temporary, like falling in love or having some great adventure where everything is just perfect for that time? I sometimes wonder if I sabotage my own self when I could be happy. I've been pretty content lately, a thread of peacefulness in my day to day life, but the over the top happy? Well, it eludes me. I love to watch romantic comedies. They're my favorite type of movies. I love love. I love the idea of riding off into the sunset with someone amazing and you live happily ever after (even though I realize no relationship is perfect). But I don't know, sometimes I think it's not for me, it's not ever really going to happen for me. That thought both makes me very sad, and also helps me to put up a self-protective wall so that I am ok with that idea. Am I limiting myself by having that thought, even if it's subconscious, or semi-conscious? I don't know. What do you think?

You know, this is odd. I just realized that the random quote/poem actually sort of answers the question I'm asking.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good morning!

Responding to your question of feeling like one may not 'deserve' to be happy, I've struggled with this question off and on for years. When a person sheds the pre-condition, if you will, that they should or could only achieve a certain level of happiness, I think it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. In other words, a person is as happy as they allow themselves to be.
There are so many underlying influences, though, as far back as to how we were raised, how happy our parents may have been while interacting with each other (or not), self esteem issues, if a person was bullied as a child, etc. When a person realizes their self worth and can be pleased with accomplishments that are meaningful to them, I think that happiness is inside our hearts all along.
Sometimes it can be a life-long struggle, but if a person can pinpoint those things that do make them happy, it can truly grow from within.

Happiness for all!