fears

In this new relationship a lot of fears have come up on both of our parts that we've expressed to one another. I think that is normal for any two people who are serious and who have been hurt in the past, as opposed to young lovers who fall in love for the first time ever. And who have kids. ie. me. I tend to give myself wholly and completely when I do, but I must admit there is a part of my heart and soul that I let out only slowly. I'm an expressive and creative so what I feel at a give time I will write out, and it is true and real and emotional. But I also know that only God is perfect and can be relied on 100%. I think to have unrealistic expectations about another human being is unfair to them. That said, I'm willing to trust and let go slowly and move in the direction of what seems to be my future. I think for me I have huge fears about introducing someone into the very comfortable situation I have with my life and my kids and my ex. Everything is so beautiful here in that situation. The kids are well adjusted, do well in school, get along well with both me and M, and neither he nor I so far have had any serious relationships. Introducing someone new - no matter when or how - is a risk.

On the plane back from Australia - another case of odd serendipity - I sat next to an Aussie man who had met and married an American with kids and so he had to move to the States. I asked if he liked it now and he said he "tolerates it." That is after 13 years. I would think Sean would probably feel the same. Then again, that is how I feel about Texas as well. I would love living in Florida or Colorado or Oregon but I do only tolerate Texas. I am not a conservative, and it gets under my skin sometimes when I see ignorance (about evolution, politics, etc) and judgmentalism and narrow-mindedness here. Then again I've seen a lot of bumper stickers lately here that say things like "Christian not close-minded" and "GOD is not spelled GOP" and other such things that make me think, wow that's pretty progressive for Texas! However there are lots of liberals and progressives here, lest I forget, though they may not be a majority. Even in the churches! So what this guy said to me was that the guy would have to get on with the kids or it wouldn't work. We talked a lot about a lot of things - from practical issues of resident vs citizen to working here to getting married versus living together, but in the end that's what his final word of wisdom boiled down to. And it's really true because though my mom's 2nd marriage has lasted, the fact that I did not like my stepdad throughout my life there made living there miserable for us all. (I like him a lot now!!) Sean is sensitive to this though having had a stepfather situation too, but there's a lot to process for both of us.

I don't honestly know how these various obstacles will be overcome though I do believe they will be worked out, in time. I read somewhere that the more you want something to last, the slower you need to take things. While our feelings and our desire for a shared future are way faster than most people may take a relationship that's just the way both of us are. But... that doesn't mean we are going to not still take things day by day. Living halfway across the planet from one another kind of forces you to take things a bit slow.

On another note I just got back from my kids' school awards ceremony and I'm so very very proud of them. Both kids got all A Honor Roll (all A's all year)! Sam also earned the top honor in his grade for Literature and Science, and Savannah in Math/Pre-Algebra, Science and Composition/Writing! She also got recognized again for getting 1st in State for Writing at that PSIA competition and she'd also earned Thespian Honor Society as well as"All Star Cast" recognition in the PSIA One Act Play competition! We knew about those awards before but it was nice for her to get recognized for all that in one ceremony! They are such super kids, if I do say so myself!! :) Well I'm going to go take a nap in the sunshine outside and read!